Here's My Situation Am I The OM?

[Buccaneer55]

I'll try to keep this as brief as possible. Here's my current situation, I'm a divorced man and a few months back an old high school friend reached out to me via social media. I knew she had been married and had a young daughter from that marriage but at the beginning of the relationship, which she first pursued I assumed their marriage was over as he lived overseas and they haven't lived together in 2 years. However as the relationship began to progress and started to get more physical I found out she isn't divorced yet, it won't be final for another 6 weeks.

 

I was thrown off by this but I really liked her and things have been going well. However, a couple weeks back her husband sent her an email letting her know that he'd be in town for two weeks starting on Xmas Eve and he wanted to see his daughter.

 

This has really put me into worry mode, she has sworn up and down that, the relationship is over but the thought of her and him sharing a house (I don't think room) for this two week period has my mind racing as to what could be going on. On top of it her attorney told her to not let him know of the relationship while the legal proceedings are still going forward. So since he's been here the last 5 days we've only spoken once for 20 minutes, but she did end the call telling me she loved me.

 

In a million years I never thought that I could get caught up in something like this until it actually happened. However, I don't want to lose the relationship with her as she's the first woman I've really cared for since my own divorce ( I have dated others but lost interest quickly)

 

She has posted a few pictures from some of the things they have done and everyone of them is of the kid, no pictures of her and him together.

 

So a couple of things. I know I won't reach out to her while he's here because that's what best. However, with the divorce being so close to final should I be so worried that I could possibly lose her back to him, to some sort of magical reconnection even though they've been apart so long, or is that relationship between them dead? Am I the OM because of when I came along in their picture, and how does one deal with all the stress of not knowing what's going on?

[anika99]

Hmmm...hard to say. Has there been any suspicious behaviour regarding her husband before this visit? When I broke up with my kids' dad years ago he moved to a new city and then when he wanted to see the kids he would just come and stay at my place because it was easier for both him and the kids. However I didn't hang around with them. Usually his visits were just for 2-3 days so I would go get a taste of the freedom that he usually had. If I had a BF I would stay at my BF's house during these visits and if I didn't have a BF I would just have fun with friends and then sleep at my moms house. I was completely over my ex and I had no desire to spend my days with him.

 

It seems like there is more than one question here. Is she or isn't she divorcing? I'd say she probably is and you will find out soon enough because 6 weeks isn't very far off. Once she says the divorce is final you can look it up at the courthouse and find out for sure. However the bigger question is how does she plan to handle her ex husbands visits going forward? I sort of get letting him stay at the house to facilitate his relationship with his kids without disrupting everyone's routine and comfort, but I definitely don't get why she has to spend his visits hanging out with him and acting like they are still together. Even if she doesn't want him to know that she is already dating, she should still have the freedom to go out and do her own thing, like visiting her family and friends. In which case it would be rather easy for her to call you or even come by for a quick visit.

 

Like does her husband even know that they are getting divorced? Does her child know? Have you met any of her friends or family? Do they know she's getting a divorce?

[Buccaneer55]

Hmmm...hard to say. Has there been any suspicious behaviour regarding her husband before this visit? When I broke up with my kids' dad years ago he moved to a new city and then when he wanted to see the kids he would just come and stay at my place because it was easier for both him and the kids. However I didn't hang around with them. Usually his visits were just for 2-3 days so I would go get a taste of the freedom that he usually had. If I had a BF I would stay at my BF's house during these visits and if I didn't have a BF I would just have fun with friends and then sleep at my moms house. I was completely over my ex and I had no desire to spend my days with him.

 

It seems like there is more than one question here. Is she or isn't she divorcing? I'd say she probably is and you will find out soon enough because 6 weeks isn't very far off. Once she says the divorce is final you can look it up at the courthouse and find out for sure. However the bigger question is how does she plan to handle her ex husbands visits going forward? I sort of get letting him stay at the house to facilitate his relationship with his kids without disrupting everyone's routine and comfort, but I definitely don't get why she has to spend his visits hanging out with him and acting like they are still together. Even if she doesn't want him to know that she is already dating, she should still have the freedom to go out and do her own thing, like visiting her family and friends. In which case it would be rather easy for her to call you or even come by for a quick visit.

 

Like does her husband even know that they are getting divorced? Does her child know? Have you met any of her friends or family? Do they know she's getting a divorce?

 

Ok I should start by saying this is his first time in since they've separated. He's in the military and on a two week leave. By next Thursday he'll be back on a plane to Japan I believe. Yes, as of last week she met with her attorney as the final pre-trial meeting between the two.

 

The biggest reason they're doing everything together is she says she doesn't want him to have the kid by himself while he's here. Since they're still married she doesn't want him to know about us and have it cause a problem or to lose some of the custody rights she wants with the daughter, that's her biggest fear. As far as I know everywhere they've gone someone else has gone with them whether it's other family members or friends as I don't think she's wanting to be completely alone with him.

 

The not hearing from her part has made this the worst because my mind is running rampant with thoughts of them having a last ditch effort to save it even though the entire time we've talked she's said that she would never go back to him based on their past. I worry that maybe she said that then but by actually being around him it could change her mind.

 

From what she told me she says he's the one who originally filed for divorce but stopped paying his attorney so I thought that was kind of strange but maybe he's just being cheap? The kid is only three and this is the first time she's old enough to meet and know her father and yes her entire family is aware of the divorce. She even skyped me one time at her sisters and another time when she was with her best friend. I haven't met any of her family in person but they are aware of me and have told her they are very happy that she finally has a good thing.

 

That's why I ask if I'm worrying over nothing, or if the silence could mean more things going on?

[sandylee1]

I don't think from what you've said you should be worried. That's as long as she's telling you the truth. You'll know in 2 weeks. ..then in 6 weeks time anyway.... I do like a happy ending.. let us know how it goes.

[anika99]

It all sounds rather fishy to me. Why are they divorcing? How long has he been away?

 

In most places, her dating you would have no bearing on the outcome of custody. If she is afraid to leave her daughter alone with her father then does she plan to always chaperone their visits? Of course they are spending time alone together in the house. Don't be daft. I'm not saying they are connecting or doing anything romantic but it's silly to think she is spending two weeks with him staying in the same house and they are never alone.

 

 

I would suggest you guard your heart and play it safe. Divorcing or newly divorced people are always risky. It's a time of uncertainty in their lives where there is fear and loneliness and it's very common for them to latch onto a new person and declare their everlasting love when really they are just afraid to be on their own. There is a risk that they will return to the marriage or that they will want to spread their wings and not be tied down to a new relationship once they get passed the initial pain of the divorce.

[Buccaneer55]

All I can do is hope and trust that she's telling me the truth. I did forget to mention she has brought me around the kid and we even did our own Xmas gift exchange all 3 of us.

 

See I'm very uncomfortable with the fact that I'm not hearing anything. She attempted to call Xmas morning but I missed it and then she did call two days ago and like I said we did talk for 20 minutes. She said it was uncomfortable being around him so much and they were sleeping on opposite ends of his sisters house which is where they stayed this past weekend. Even though I got the one call just under 48 hours ago I figured she'd reach out a little more but maybe I'm wrong in believing that.

 

She says they're divorcing because he cheated on her twice and she's been physically, mentally, and emotionally abused by him. She left him back in the country she was stationed somewhere between 1.5-2 years ago.

 

I'm trying to play it safe like I said she was the one who has pursued me and I always thought her divorce was already final until she told me. However, I hope that if there is no reconciliation she's not using me and that the fact they have been separated so long has helped her heal.

 

I just want to get to next Thursdsy and I'm literally feeling every second of every day pass by so slowly right now, it's pure torture

[JamesM]

All I can do is hope and trust that she's telling me the truth.

 

I am guessing that EVERYTHING you know about her husband, marriage and her are being told you by her? Have you confirmed any of it from other sources?

 

You say they were separated for awhile. Has he been away overseas the whole time they have been separated? Have you been to her attorney with her?

 

In other words and kindly said, is all you know coming from her? If so, then I would be careful. You may find her telling you that she is "reconciling with her husband and giving it one more chance for her daughter" when she was really never planning on leaving him.

 

But if you know that her stories are confirmed with other sources, then wait patiently until the divorce is settled before continuing with her. You do not want to be her rebound man either.

[Darren Steez]

She has posted a few pictures from some of the things they have done and everyone of them is of the kid, no pictures of her and him together.

 

 

You do know she has the option to exclude you seeing any post she likes right? Why don't you ask her to log onto her account and see her pics..

[privategal]

Tell her your worries. Be up front with her and ask her if you have cause to be concerned then listen. Gauge her response, does your gut trust what she is saying to reassure you?

She seems legit that her story checks out but you can never be too careful.

Follow your instincts here.

[Buccaneer55]

The problem is he's already here and she doesn't want him to know about us while the divorce isn't final.

 

Everyone that thinks I should call I feel differently, I think she needs to be the one to initiate contact while he's still here. I know we don't want him to know anything but I figured there would have been more contact then what has been conspired so far.

 

Everything I pretty much know is from her about the situation but I've met one of her coworkers at an outing already I've met her best friend and sister through FaceTime on our iPhones. Yes, the entire time they've been separated he's been overseas. They were in Japan when she left him. I haven't been to her attorney but she did forward me an email from her a few weeks back.

 

Every part of me wants to believe her. I'm trying to tell myself there's no way she would of called me two nights ago and told me she loved me if she was working things out with the H. That she really is just thinking of her kid at the moment and when he gets back on the plane we'll be back to normal.

 

I have tons of texts from her in recent weeks where she told me she had no feelings for him anymore. Heck she's even worried that I'll go back to my ex-wife and leave her, isn't that something. I have all the words that says she loves me and this is what she wants, but all the silence since he got here has put the doubt in my head and it's completely taking over.

 

As far as I know her whole family hates him and none of them want them to reconcile from what she's said. Again, it's hard to believe I'm even in this situation with a MW although that status should change soon. I'm trying to be protective of myself here because I don't want to get hurt again like I did with my own unwanted divorce but at the same time she's like a drug and I miss having our daily interactions

[sandylee1]

Since she's getting divorced - why can't you go there and be with her in front of him?

 

Why not call her? She should be capable of taking calls in front of him! Ask her out for tonight... Why are his feelings wing considered over yours?

 

Go over there and pick her up for a date.

 

That would just cause too much drama and would not be sensible.

 

I hope it works out and I'd like to think she wouldn't bring you round her daughter if they were still together. That would be really bad.

 

I imagine she just wants the divorce finalised before he accuses her of cheating.. as cheaters do.

 

It can be hard to get a clear moment with everything going on for her. You sound like a nice guy. ...I hope it ends well.

[Buccaneer55]

That would just cause too much drama and would not be sensible.

 

I hope it works out and I'd like to think she wouldn't bring you round her daughter if they were still together. That would be really bad.

 

I imagine she just wants the divorce finalised before he accuses her of cheating.. as cheaters do.

 

It can be hard to get a clear moment with everything going on for her. You sound like a nice guy. ...I hope it ends well.

 

Yes too much drama indeed. I've played every scenario over in my head and I too can't think of a reason why she'd let the kid be attached to me and bring me around unless she was done with the marriage.

 

I just don't get why I can't even get a single text that might say "Hey thinking about you hope you're doing well, please don't text back". Instead just all this silence other than the one call. That's why I'm so worried

[Poppy47]

If he has abused her in the past who is to say he wouldn't do it again if he found out about you? Maybe he's the jealous violent type.

 

She might have all kinds of fears. She probably just doesn't want to complicate things and rub you in his face at this time.

 

How could she lose custody rights by having you in her life? She's grown up and people ARE allowed to have a life even when they are separated.

 

I would phone her if I were you. She might be wondering why you haven't been in touch with her. It works both ways.

 

Good Luck

Poppy.

[Buccaneer55]

If he has abused her in the past who is to say he wouldn't do it again if he found out about you? Maybe he's the jealous violent type.

 

She might have all kinds of fears. She probably just doesn't want to complicate things and rub you in his face at this time.

 

How could she lose custody rights by having you in her life? She's grown up and people ARE allowed to have a life even when they are separated.

 

I would phone her if I were you. She might be wondering why you haven't been in touch with her. It works both ways.

 

Good Luck

Poppy.

 

That's one thing that I've been wondering is maybe she's so scared to take any risk of him finding anything out that she's not willing to take many chances right now. However, I don't understand how I can't get a text when she uses the bathroom or something that lets me know everything's fine but not to text back.

 

Idk about the custody rights it sounds like a story I could be getting fed.

 

I've already made the last attempt at contact. When we were getting off the phone the other night she said she thought we might be able to FaceTime that evening. After a few hours of silience I sent a text of a face and a clock, she's never responded and that was about 56 hours ago now.

 

I know she hasn't seen him in two years and he wants to see the kid but I hope I wasn't fed a bunch of lies and some crazy story. Then again she was very strong and aggressive from the beginning with me with unloading how strong her feelings were for me. I have a hard time believing that if things were as bad as she says they were that he could come in after two years in which he sent zero support for the child, and things could just be rosy again, especially since he has to be on a plane again next week to Japan.

 

That being said I have just as hard of a time believing that it's impossible for her to contact me at all. A week ago she was having me help put the kid to sleep and sleeping with me, and bringing the kid over the next day to my place to do our Xmas. Fast forward to present and I feel like I dont exist to her, like I'm some sort of human who has no feelings at all and it sucks.

[sandylee1]

Howabout a text message..just saying. .. I hope you're okay..haven't heard from you in a little while..Please let me know all is well and give me a call if you can. From B55.

 

Nothing lovey dovey ..in case someone else sees it.

 

When you do manage to speak to her. ..let her know that a quick text from her is important . especially after she's told you he's abusive. I hope you're not getting played here.. it would be awful that she involved her daughter in this.

 

I'm hopeful.. ..but I understand how you feel.

[Miss Clavel]

I'll try to keep this as brief as possible. Here's my current situation, I'm a divorced man and a few months back an old high school friend reached out to me via social media. I knew she had been married and had a young daughter from that marriage but at the beginning of the relationship, which she first pursued I assumed their marriage was over as he lived overseas and they haven't lived together in 2 years. However as the relationship began to progress and started to get more physical I found out she isn't divorced yet, it won't be final for another 6 weeks.

 

I was thrown off by this but I really liked her and things have been going well. However, a couple weeks back her husband sent her an email letting her know that he'd be in town for two weeks starting on Xmas Eve and he wanted to see his daughter.

 

This has really put me into worry mode, she has sworn up and down that, the relationship is over but the thought of her and him sharing a house (I don't think room) for this two week period has my mind racing as to what could be going on. On top of it her attorney told her to not let him know of the relationship while the legal proceedings are still going forward. So since he's been here the last 5 days we've only spoken once for 20 minutes, but she did end the call telling me she loved me.

 

In a million years I never thought that I could get caught up in something like this until it actually happened. However, I don't want to lose the relationship with her as she's the first woman I've really cared for since my own divorce ( I have dated others but lost interest quickly)

 

She has posted a few pictures from some of the things they have done and everyone of them is of the kid, no pictures of her and him together.

 

So a couple of things. I know I won't reach out to her while he's here because that's what best. However, with the divorce being so close to final should I be so worried that I could possibly lose her back to him, to some sort of magical reconnection even though they've been apart so long, or is that relationship between them dead? Am I the OM because of when I came along in their picture, and how does one deal with all the stress of not knowing what's going on?

 

are you a little pregnant? i didn't think so. if a person is not divorced, they are married. legally bound to their promises, still.

 

my stbex was already moved out, banging her at her place, and i still waited till i was legally divorced.

 

i did however, ask my then husband, to release me from my vow of fidelity that i gave at our wedding and i gave him the same courtesy.

 

the look he gave me was not courteous in return.

 

 

 

odd.

Edited December 30, 2015 by Miss Clavel

[Buccaneer55]

Howabout a text message..just saying. .. I hope you're okay..haven't heard from you in a little while..Please let me know all is well and give me a call if you can. From B55.

 

Nothing lovey dovey ..in case someone else sees it.

 

When you do manage to speak to her. ..let her know that a quick text from her is important . especially after she's told you he's abusive. I hope you're not getting played here.. it would be awful that she involved her daughter in this.

 

I'm hopeful.. ..but I understand how you feel.

 

See I always go back to the kid. When she first started talking to me and things were going well she even mentioned when looking to date she needed to find someone who was not only a suitable dating partner but someone who would be a good fit for her daughter. I have a hard time believing that she would bring me around her so much and get her use to me if she was just going to pull the plug on the relationship.

 

Maybe she really is just trying to play it super safe until he leaves and doesn't want to take any chances because of her daughter and maybe I really have created a scenario in my head that doesn't exist. I hate thinking I've got another week of this but the answers will be coming soon for sure.

[Buccaneer55]

Ok I need to vent and find out if I'm reading too much into something or not.

 

So this afternoon I was bored and stressing this whole situation out and decided to jump on her Instagram page. I was going through some of her followers and I saw she left a comment on one of her friends page the same day that she called me and told me she loved me. It was Sunday night and here's how the online convo went on a picture of her friend going out to eat

 

Girl I'm seeing - "Awe H & I are going there this week and we're eating at my fav place tonight!!

 

Friend - "Have fun! I'm so glad he's in town and you get to have family time!

 

Girl I'm seeing - "Maybe we can all get together while he's here!! it was a blush face.

 

Then she confirmed he is only in town until next Thursday like she originally told me...

 

To me this doesn't sound like a W going through a divorce?? Last week she was talking about how upset she was with all of this and she loves me and now I can clearly see on her friends page about two outings that they're going too!

 

I've already got an opinion from my best friend and he said he thought I might be over-reacting and maybe she's just trying her best to navigate these two weeks as peaceful as possible so she can get him out and get this divorce done. I have a hard time with this because why would her friend say I', glad he's in and you can have family time???

 

I feel like I'm being played for a fool here. She literally called me and told me she loved me and how bad things were going and that he's a jerk and on the same night is telling her friend where they're going to eat that night!! Not to mention she said she was staying at her moms and he was going to be out with friends! Why the lies??!!

 

It would explain all the silence if they are literally spending all of this time together, but why reach out to me and tell me that you love me??

 

SOMETHING DOESN'T ADD UP and I don't know which piece of the puzzle it is.

[sandylee1]

It does seem strange TBH. After all.... would her friend not know they are getting divorced ?

 

 

You haven't got very long before he leaves.. I know it seems like a while.

So when he goes and she contacts you....

 

I suggest you tell how you feel... flip the tables and ask how she'd feel in your shoes

Ask when she filed for D and where..

Basically get evidence that they are actually getting divorced

 

Is there any way you can find out more about her H... check his FB page or other social media for clues.

 

I will tell you that when my brother had made up his mind to get divorced and told his wife and moved out of the house . .. We all attended a family event and he came with the ex... another friend was taking photos of all the couples on our table.... now to the outsider.. it would have looked like they were very much together.

 

He was seeing someone at this point..... I'm sure had she seen those pics. ... she would have felt she was being lied to.

 

You need to wait patiently and make sure she's not playing you. If she's put her daughter in all this... and she's not divorcing. .. then I advise you to run far away from her.

 

I really hope she's genuine for you.

[Buccaneer55]

It does seem strange TBH. After all.... would her friend not know they are getting divorced ?

 

 

You haven't got very long before he leaves.. I know it seems like a while.

So when he goes and she contacts you....

 

I suggest you tell how you feel... flip the tables and ask how she'd feel in your shoes

Ask when she filed for D and where..

Basically get evidence that they are actually getting divorced

 

Is there any way you can find out more about her H... check his FB page or other social media for clues.

 

I will tell you that when my brother had made up his mind to get divorced and told his wife and moved out of the house . .. We all attended a family event and he came with the ex... another friend was taking photos of all the couples on our table.... now to the outsider.. it would have looked like they were very much together.

 

He was seeing someone at this point..... I'm sure had she seen those pics. ... she would have felt she was being lied to.

 

You need to wait patiently and make sure she's not playing you. If she's put her daughter in all this... and she's not divorcing. .. then I advise you to run far away from her.

 

I really hope she's genuine for you.

 

See I thought her friends all knew she was getting divorced.

 

Do you really see her contacting me once he leaves? Even if I'm just some OM for her and she's been lying the whole time is it almost a guarantee she'll touch base with me?

 

The county we live in here doesn't allow you to see pending cases only the ones that have been decided. I've already looked into it this week to see if I can find more red flags anywhere. I've been to his FB page I've seen all that I can of it that's view able to the public and all of his pictures are of just him, none of the W, no mentions of her at all. She doesn't have a FB just the IG but even the photos she has posted this week he's been in, none are of them two together.

 

Thankfully we're about a week down and a week to go. I'm trying to have patience but things are not adding up to me.

 

Her daughter has very much been in all of this. She's been on the phone with me while we FaceTime, she's been to my apartment twice, one week ago today the daughter asked if I could come tuck her into bed and not her mom!! Then one week ago from tomorrow the mom left her with me for about 15 minutes to run to the store and the kid told me she loved me.

 

A couple weeks back she sent me a photo of the daughter and asked me to send it to my mom. I actually have gifts at my place right now from my mom for her and her daughter.... This whole time we've thought everything was legit but right now it looks like I'm a fool.

 

What makes it so hard is she knew I was vulnerable and this was the first woman I really trusted since my own divorce.

[sandylee1]

I surely hope she would not mess you around like this.

 

I'm sure she'll be in touch once he's gone - anybody who'd put their child in the middle of this if it wasn't genuine..would truly not be worth being with.

 

I don't know how close those friends are to her. ... but some people don't broadcast their impending divorce.... although I don't see why she's telling her friend stuff about her H and them going out.

 

I wish I could press fast forward on the time for you...I really do. Maybe she just doesn't want to rock the boat with the divorce settlement or anything.

 

Has her daughter ever mentioned her dad to you at all?

[WestEndGirl]

OP, I think the only thing you can do is ride this out and see what happens after this woman's estranged (?) H leaves the country.

 

Some people have a very unorthodox approach to marriage. I stayed married to my exH for almost 10 years after we split. It was strictly for practical/financial reasons, which is the best reason for a M anyway! We only communicated through attorneys. Both of us had serious Rs during that time, and had I not had health issues, I probably would have kept the piece of paper, as long as my life partner was on board with it.

 

I know a lot of people who don't get legally divorced because of kids/finances. What I would be concerned about is the way she treats you. And something seems dodgy about this. She shouldn't have to hide you from her estranged H for any reason.

[anika99]

She will definitely be contacting you when her husband leaves but her behaviour is all very suspicious. People have brought up some good points like she may be frightened of her husband or worried about the divorce turning ugly but none of that excuses how she has ditched you. She is showing more care and concern for her husbands feelings than for yours, the man she claims to love. As I said I get her not wanting to flaunt her dating life to her husband and not feeling right about parading you in front of him but spending two weeks with her husband, acting like a married couple while she treats you like you don't even exist is totally unacceptable and inexcusable.

 

The more I read the more I think she is just a military wife whose husband has been deployed for a long time and she couldn't hack it. That's not to say that she hasn't had problems in her marriage or that she doesn't have feelings for you, but I think she is still very much married and her husband has no idea that he's going to be divorced in 6 weeks.

[JamesM]

She will definitely be contacting you when her husband leaves ....

 

.... but I think she is still very much married and her husband has no idea that he's going to be divorced in 6 weeks.

 

And it could very well be that there really is no divorce planned beyond what SHE has said.

 

I agree it is suspicious. She may be putting up a front with him, or...she maybe putting up a front with you.

[sandylee1]

Not sure if you said how old her daughter is..... but from the age of 4... I could not try and sneak another man around if I was married...my kids were very aware of their dad and would know that something was up. That's what doesn't really make sense.

 

I don't think it's concern for her H over the OP, just that some men can get bad with the split of assets when another man comes on the scene.

 

My friend whose divorced had this happen..when her ex found out she was remarried .... he got really horrible and dragged her back to court. ...so I can see someone trying to avoid that.