Here's My Situation Am I The OM?

[carhill]

Ha, ha, OP, my exW had another guy living with her six months before we were legally divorced. Yup, I met him at the nice house I had fixed up. What was I going to do, kill him? If she wants to be with you she'll be with you. Her husband will be a necessary nuisance to discard. In general, all the women I've been with in life are very decisive, unless they're attention-seeking. Those would be the MW's.

 

How's lovemaking been going?

 

If your relationship is open and conspicuous and public, it's exceedingly unlikely you are the OM. Sure, she could be doing a liar royale on you and using the kids as part of the ruse. From what I've seen in life, anything is possible. However, benefit of the doubt renders it unlikely.

 

Holidays is putting on a happy face. I'd just leave things be and let them settle out. Time will reveal the truth soon enough.

[Buccaneer55]

Wow I appreciate all the input so far everybody. I will say this the few people in my life that are aware of the situation believe she is just trying to make it through the two weeks and get him on a plane back to Japan and as soon as that happens we'll be fine. Like she's just pretending to be happy.

 

Sandy - I'm really hoping she wouldn't have put her daughter into this either if she was still considering fixing her marriage. To me that makes her a sick person on the inside, which I'm hoping she's not. Most of her friends would know she's been living state side for a long time now while he's still been overseas so idk how they can't see they're separated. No the child has never mentioned her dad because this was the first time she was old enough to meet him. The daughter is 3 and is at least very aware of who I am by now by name and stuff. She swore up and down she would have never pursued me if she was still open to fixing things with him. I just worry that once he came in and she saw him again it would change everything. However, the things going against that is he's gone next week again and she's back to being alone. I can't imagine her going back to Japan after she's already done that.

 

West - I agree she shouldn't have to completely hide me, I get she might be scared of him but why does that mean you can't reach out to me other than once? According to her he hasn't helped at all prior financially. Our first convo we had she said it was tough being a single mom getting zero support from the father.

 

Anika - Everyone does seem to think she'll reach out when this is over. but I do agree with you that I haven't liked how she's treated me one bit through this entire situation. Am I thankful she called and told me she loved me the other day, yes I am because that was after spending three days with him. Have I liked how everything else has gone, absolutely not. I'm also wondering if the husband is aware of the final date approaching if she's telling the truth.

 

James - I agree that maybe she's lied to me this whole time and there is no divorce pending but I'm really hoping not. Based off what's happened the past week she is definitely pulling one of our legs.

 

Car - See I feel the same about if she wants to be with me, but she did say prior to him ever coming that she didn't want him to know about us until it's final. She said last week her attorney recommended the same thing and advised her to be as nice and as accommodating as possible to get through the two weeks. The lovemaking has actually been good and even kind of wild at times and places where it's happened so no complaints there. The relationship hasn't been open and public to, too many people yet though. She does go to church and I think she's afraid of being judged by everyone knowing that she was seeing someone before her divorce was final. I've met one of her co-workers in person and I met her best friend and sister on FaceTime. She has said repeatedly her entire family hates her H.

 

One last thing I want to go back to though. Even though I found that message online if she was truly as happy as she was portraying why are there no pictures up of her and him together on her account? She posted one of him meeting the daughter and one small video of him playing with her and that's it. Even the video had the caption of the kids dad is home for Christmas. She didn't say my Husband is home. I would think if she hasn't seen him in two years and she was home and wanting to fix it, she would take pictures and show them off to all her friends saying how excited she is that he's home, but she hasn't done that and his time is half up. At the same time all the silence seems like a bad sign so idk.

[carhill]

Been through this as a dope OM getting snowed by expert MW's. Analysis paralysis. Let it go. Approach it like any other dating milieu. There's always another guy on the fringes. Women do what they want. This is instructive. Do what you want. If you want to show up, show up. If you want to date other women, date other women. If you want to go to a New Year's party and get kissed by another woman under the mistletoe, do that. You've been married. You're divorced. Live a little

[anika99]

Wow I appreciate all the input so far everybody. I will say this the few people in my life that are aware of the situation believe she is just trying to make it through the two weeks and get him on a plane back to Japan and as soon as that happens we'll be fine. Like she's just pretending to be happy.

 

But if she knows they are getting divorced and he knows they are getting divorced then why on earth would he have any expectation of her pretending to be happy or happily married?

 

Sandy - I'm really hoping she wouldn't have put her daughter into this either if she was still considering fixing her marriage. To me that makes her a sick person on the inside, which I'm hoping she's not. Most of her friends would know she's been living state side for a long time now while he's still been overseas so idk how they can't see they're separated. No the child has never mentioned her dad because this was the first time she was old enough to meet him. The daughter is 3 and is at least very aware of who I am by now by name and stuff. She swore up and down she would have never pursued me if she was still open to fixing things with him. I just worry that once he came in and she saw him again it would change everything. However, the things going against that is he's gone next week again and she's back to being alone. I can't imagine her going back to Japan after she's already done that.

 

I can't imagine her moving back to Japan either, I can imagine her going back to cheating on her husband until his next visit

 

West - I agree she shouldn't have to completely hide me, I get she might be scared of him but why does that mean you can't reach out to me other than once? According to her he hasn't helped at all prior financially. Our first convo we had she said it was tough being a single mom getting zero support from the father.

 

I agree. She probably does need to be discreet, but I'm sure she is not with him every second of every day. Why can she not contact you or give him some daddy/daughter time and come by to see you for a quick cup of coffee?

 

Anika - Everyone does seem to think she'll reach out when this is over. but I do agree with you that I haven't liked how she's treated me one bit through this entire situation. Am I thankful she called and told me she loved me the other day, yes I am because that was after spending three days with him. Have I liked how everything else has gone, absolutely not. I'm also wondering if the husband is aware of the final date approaching if she's telling the truth.

 

Doesn't sound like the husband knows she is divorcing since she seems to think she has to pretend to be happy about his visit? Has she said that she is divorcing him without his knowledge? Also if she has to pretend to be a happy wife for his benefit would that not also include sex?

 

James - I agree that maybe she's lied to me this whole time and there is no divorce pending but I'm really hoping not. Based off what's happened the past week she is definitely pulling one of our legs.

 

Car - See I feel the same about if she wants to be with me, but she did say prior to him ever coming that she didn't want him to know about us until it's final. She said last week her attorney recommended the same thing and advised her to be as nice and as accommodating as possible to get through the two weeks. The lovemaking has actually been good and even kind of wild at times and places where it's happened so no complaints there. The relationship hasn't been open and public to, too many people yet though. She does go to church and I think she's afraid of being judged by everyone knowing that she was seeing someone before her divorce was final. I've met one of her co-workers in person and I met her best friend and sister on FaceTime. She has said repeatedly her entire family hates her H.

 

Big difference between just wanting to hide her relationship with you and pretending to be happily married

 

One last thing I want to go back to though. Even though I found that message online if she was truly as happy as she was portraying why are there no pictures up of her and him together on her account? She posted one of him meeting the daughter and one small video of him playing with her and that's it. Even the video had the caption of the kids dad is home for Christmas. She didn't say my Husband is home. I would think if she hasn't seen him in two years and she was home and wanting to fix it, she would take pictures and show them off to all her friends saying how excited she is that he's home, but she hasn't done that and his time is half up. At the same time all the silence seems like a bad sign so idk.

 

She knows you can see her Facebook so she is not going to post any pictures or make any comments that might alarm you.

 

In spite of my cynicism I actually hope she is being honest with you and you don't wind up getting hurt. Her actions are suspicious but perhaps she has a good explanation. In any case I agree with carhill, don't be so quick to pin your hopes and dreams on this one person. Until she is fully divorced and she can prove it, continue living your life as a single person because a married woman can't really be a girlfriend.

[Buccaneer55]

Been a few days since I've updated anything and I feel like I currently don't know what to even think.

 

New Years Eve I got a few texts from her really late telling me how bad it was going and she just wanted the whole thing to be done. I didn't receive those until the following morning because I had fallen asleep. I decided when I got up the following morning not to respond because of how she'd been acting and not knowing if I did if she'd be around him. Then she called me Friday morning asking if I received her text. We only talked for about 5 minutes but she told me she loved me when she got off the phone. Later in the day she tried calling me a few times but I wasn't around my phone and by the time I got to call her she only had a few minutes left but again told me she loved me. That night she texted me and told me she missed me as well and not much longer to go.

 

Then Saturday right back to complete silence not a single word. Yesterday I posted something on social media that she would know as specifically for her and the situation. She liked it and even left a heart faced emoji as a comment. Then yesterday afternoon she sent me a picture of just her and I replied within 5 minutes of receiving it. Told her that I loved her and she never responded back.... The picture was the last communication I've had. Really surprised she could send the picture but didn't acknowledge my response at all.

 

So idk what to think. I've heard from her in some capacity three out of the last four days but I'm still super stressed about all of this and really hoping I'm not the OM. I haven't been sleeping or eating well this entire time. I probably got 5 hours of sleep last night and was waking up every 20-30 minutes. I just want this to be over, and back to normal.

[Buccaneer55]

He's been gone four days now. She's acting strange she hasn't tried to call at all. I did go over there Friday night, no sex. I sent her a good morning message yesterday which she ignored all day. I asked her towards the end of the night if she was ok and she said yes, but that the daughter had gotten sick and we would need to reschedule for tonight. I sent her another message this morning and again she ignored it. She did however post something on her social media so I know I'm being ignored.

 

I need help here people. I'm thinking about going out there tonight and knocking on her door and asking her to her face what is going on. None of her actions make any sense. My main question is do I have the right to go over there and do that? She was the one who pursued me for this relationship and if she is breaking it off just going cold shoulder is a real messed up way to do that.

 

I don't get why she would reach out to me some while he was still here if she was going to just ignore me once he was gone? So if I go over there looking to talk is that wrong of me, or because she got me involved with her and a child do I deserve for her to give me an explanation of what's going on?

[CarrieT]

I need help here people. I'm thinking about going out there tonight and knocking on her door and asking her to her face what is going on. None of her actions make any sense. My main question is do I have the right to go over there and do that? She was the one who pursued me for this relationship and if she is breaking it off just going cold shoulder is a real messed up way to do that.

I have a feeling if you confront her, she will lie to you. That is much of what your relationship has been based on with her: Lies. It is how she is able to manipulate both of you. Correct that her actions make no sense, because you are trying to be rational about something that has not rationale.

 

I don't get why she would reach out to me some while he was still here if she was going to just ignore me once he was gone? So if I go over there looking to talk is that wrong of me, or because she got me involved with her and a child do I deserve for her to give me an explanation of what's going on?

Best to move on. Go No Contact and stay No Contact. She is not available and not healthy.

[sandylee1]

Something doesn't seem right here. .... ..but she has said her daughter is sick. Still shouldn't mean she can't reply to your message.

 

I wonder if her H tried to persuade her not to go through with the divorce. Perhaps she's reconsidering. Maybe that's why she seems a bit different.

 

You need to have a face to face chat and get to the bottom of it all.

 

Ask her if she still wants the relationship..as you're not clear from her actions.

 

Establish when this divorce will be done.

 

I was hoping it would all be back to normal. I'm sorry it hasn't..... . yet

[Buccaneer55]

Something doesn't seem right here. .... ..but she has said her daughter is sick. Still shouldn't mean she can't reply to your message.

 

I wonder if her H tried to persuade her not to go through with the divorce. Perhaps she's reconsidering. Maybe that's why she seems a bit different.

 

You need to have a face to face chat and get to the bottom of it all.

 

Ask her if she still wants the relationship..as you're not clear from her actions.

 

Establish when this divorce will be done.

 

I was hoping it would all be back to normal. I'm sorry it hasn't..... . yet

 

Well the daughter was somewhat sick yesterday but she said she was better by the end of the night. I also thought it was strange that she never texted me during the day to at least tell me what was going on.

 

Maybe he did? I could show you countless texts that she was never going to be with him but maybe just more lies. I probably will go out there tonight to get my answers. I'm really worried that I was used in all of this and I truly hope that I wasn't. She knew of my prior relationship situation and I hope she wouldn't have dragged me into something with no intention of being together.

 

The divorce is suppose to be final next month I know the day and everything.

 

I just hope if I do show up it doesn't scare her off if nothing is wrong, but if nothing is wrong why can't she communicate?

[Buccaneer55]

I have a feeling if you confront her, she will lie to you. That is much of what your relationship has been based on with her: Lies. It is how she is able to manipulate both of you. Correct that her actions make no sense, because you are trying to be rational about something that has not rationale.

 

 

Best to move on. Go No Contact and stay No Contact. She is not available and not healthy.

 

I also worry that all of this could have been a giant lie. Maybe I'll sound dumb here but what do you by this has no rationale?

 

I think if I go NC with no answers I'm going to always second guess everything. Even if she lied to me and she's not getting divorced I just want to know the truth and I believe that I have the right too

[ShatteredLady]

I'd go & have an honest, open conversation with her. She's your girlfriend & things are being weird! Go talk!

 

Posting on this forum rather than the relationship one draws attention from a lot of people who have been deeply hurt & that can effect their advice.

 

I hope for your sake that everything can be explained but you guys NEED to have a proper conversation about everything that's happened over the last month. Then make-up your mind. Best wishes

[Buccaneer55]

Such a crazy update idk what I even believe anymore

 

So I tried to have my talk with her Sunday night but she wasn't home. Told me she was staying at her sisters. Get up Monday morning to a message from her sister asking if I've heard from her. I asked if she was with her the night before she said yes but that she went home because she was tired. Turned out she went all the way back to her sister in laws house and stayed the night there.

 

Talked to her on the phone Monday morning she said she didn't want space and that we were fine. Got another msg from her sister online stating she's had real emotional problems for the last 10 years and they thought things were leveling off with me but apparently they weren't and that it might be best if I walk away. Then Monday pretty much silence from her all day until the late evening when she asked if I was ok??? Told me her mom was staying the night. Got another msg online from the sister that night that was a screenshot of a msg from the mom allegedly that stated "Tell him to not question her for now she's feeling very lonely, explain to him she's very emotionally unstable, let it go for now"

 

Then Tuesday after leaving her alone all day I got a msg from her that called me out for not being real talkative but when I responded another 5 hours of silence from her. Yesterday I didn't hear from her until after 9 in the evening in which we sent a whole 3 texts back and forth and I went to sleep. Woke up this morning to another text from her asking if I was ok??? Sent a reply and haven't heard from her at all today....

 

So idk if she's going to some crazy extremes to get me to end things but here's the truth. The woman I knew and was talking to just 3 weeks ago is 100% a different woman than who I'm hearing from now. I'd like to think the sister wouldn't play along with something like this and maybe she really just is unstable. I just find it so weird that she would call me a few times while the H was here, but he's been gone a week now and not a single phone call, and barely any texts. If she wanted to end it herself why did she bother reaching out while he was here, if she was going to go and act like this once he was gone??

 

That's my update. I feel pretty hurt and used at the moment. I really had my guard up coming off my divorce last year but knowing this was someone from my past I let it down and missed things I shouldn't have. Either way though this sucks.

[JamesM]

The woman I knew and was talking to just 3 weeks ago is 100% a different woman than who I'm hearing from now. I'd like to think the sister wouldn't play along with something like this and maybe she really just is unstable. I just find it so weird that she would call me a few times while the H was here, but he's been gone a week now and not a single phone call, and barely any texts. If she wanted to end it herself why did she bother reaching out while he was here, if she was going to go and act like this once he was gone??

 

I am going to say that she is unsure of what she wants for her future. After spending time with her husband who she intended to divorce for you, she found that she had more feelings for him than she realized. Her calls to you may have been a way to reassure herself that she still loved you more than him. It may not have worked. Now that he is gone, she has feelings of loneliness for him and yet she loves you.

 

She is confused and because of that she is emotionally depressed and "unstable" whatever that means.

 

I can't tell you what to do because I don't know you, but if it were me, then I think I would be as you...what to do, what to do. Having said that, the best thing may be for you to tell her that you want her to feel better and will step away for awhile if that will help. You understand that she may be dealing with alot of confusion and you would like her to decide what is best for her without you confusing it even more.

 

That won't be easy for you, and my guess is that she may reach out to you so she won't lose you. If you keep living with this uncertain future, then you may find yourself "emotionally unstable."

[sandylee1]

Perhaps she suffers with mental illness and their not telling you everything.

 

If it were me... I'd send her a message saying you love her (if you do)...that you've enjoyed the xx number of months together with her and her daughter . That everything was going great before Christmas ....but you've since been left in a state of limbo...so to prevent you wondering if she'll be calling and waiting hours on end for a response that you assume it's over. Tell her this has left you feeling very confused and you have no understanding of what has changed.

 

I'm sorry it's gone this way. I was really hopeful everything would be fine when he left.

[MJJean]

When a woman's own family says that she's been emotionally/mentally unstable for 10 YEARS and you see her exhibiting this kind of behavior, it's time to see the giant bright red flag being waved in your face and run!

[JamesM]

When a woman's own family says that she's been emotionally/mentally unstable for 10 YEARS and you see her exhibiting this kind of behavior, it's time to see the giant bright red flag being waved in your face and run!

 

Unless they are telling you that because they WANT you to run and make her decision all that much easier.

[Buccaneer55]

Idk if it's legit or not this whole story with the sister. I've thought about it as a ploy to get me to walk away and the sister is assisting her. I've also thought maybe she is just crazy. If you look how aggressive she was at the beginning and saying things that no one says two weeks into dating, I could now see her having some sort of mental illness.

 

Truthfully I think I'm done. I just really want answers to what happened. Is she fixing things with the H, is she just not ready for a relationship, is she not even aware of what she's doing? My take is you dragged me into this, leading me on the whole way. I don't think me disappearing and her not having to deal with me is right. She caused all of if it she should at least have the decency to come clean.

[anika99]

Such a crazy update idk what I even believe anymore

 

So I tried to have my talk with her Sunday night but she wasn't home. Told me she was staying at her sisters. Get up Monday morning to a message from her sister asking if I've heard from her. I asked if she was with her the night before she said yes but that she went home because she was tired. Turned out she went all the way back to her sister in laws house and stayed the night there.

 

Talked to her on the phone Monday morning she said she didn't want space and that we were fine. Got another msg from her sister online stating she's had real emotional problems for the last 10 years and they thought things were leveling off with me but apparently they weren't and that it might be best if I walk away. Then Monday pretty much silence from her all day until the late evening when she asked if I was ok??? Told me her mom was staying the night. Got another msg online from the sister that night that was a screenshot of a msg from the mom allegedly that stated "Tell him to not question her for now she's feeling very lonely, explain to him she's very emotionally unstable, let it go for now"

 

Then Tuesday after leaving her alone all day I got a msg from her that called me out for not being real talkative but when I responded another 5 hours of silence from her. Yesterday I didn't hear from her until after 9 in the evening in which we sent a whole 3 texts back and forth and I went to sleep. Woke up this morning to another text from her asking if I was ok??? Sent a reply and haven't heard from her at all today....

 

So idk if she's going to some crazy extremes to get me to end things but here's the truth. The woman I knew and was talking to just 3 weeks ago is 100% a different woman than who I'm hearing from now. I'd like to think the sister wouldn't play along with something like this and maybe she really just is unstable. I just find it so weird that she would call me a few times while the H was here, but he's been gone a week now and not a single phone call, and barely any texts. If she wanted to end it herself why did she bother reaching out while he was here, if she was going to go and act like this once he was gone??

 

That's my update. I feel pretty hurt and used at the moment. I really had my guard up coming off my divorce last year but knowing this was someone from my past I let it down and missed things I shouldn't have. Either way though this sucks.

 

 

You have asked at least a couple of times, why did she stay in contact with you when here husband was there if she was only going to end things when he left? I don't know for sure but my guess is that she stayed in contact with you to keep you from creating a scene while her husband was home. She gave you just enough attention to make sure you weren't going to get upset and out the affair to her husband.

[Buccaneer55]

Well I guess it's time to turn this thread into a place to really vent, I'm feeling more and more like I was indeed the OM. Although she has still reached out everyday to me in a small capacity things just are not the same. I'm starting to feel like all of this is extremely unhealthy for me and she is becoming toxic to me.

 

She's still acting really strange. Saturday Morning I got a text from her suggesting I could come over that night but never heard from her the rest of the day. Silence all day Sunday until late evening again. She texted me saying hi and I tried to call her. She didn't pick up but started texting right back. Said she was helping the kid get to bed and that she missed me and she was sorry because she's had so much going on.... I told her to call me back and she said what's wrong you're freaking me out. I don't know what could be freaking her out?? Like did she think I was about to end it?? Even if I was, why would she care anymore? I just can't understand her anymore. She's barely talking to me, won't call me, but says she misses me??? Then when I tried to ask her what was wrong looking for the truth she said "nothing on my end, at least with you there isn't".

 

That was all I heard Sunday and Monday very little as well. I caved like a weak person and sent her a text in response to something she said yesterday, and ended it by saying I wanted her to know I miss her too.... Nothing from her since. I don't know why I continue to throw myself out there when I know I'm being treated like garbage but the feelings on my side are so strong currently it's just really hard to let go. I refuse to initiate any contact and only respond to her.

 

Going through this after finally picking myself back up from my divorce just sucks

[BuddyX]

Good job. NC.

It appears you're her parentheses. She'll contact you when it's convenient for her. Do you want to wait for the crumbs?

It's funny how people say "I was so busy and could not respond". But I bet when you guys started going out it was constant Texting and Calling. What changed? Think abou that...

Also, it takes less then 5 sec to text "miss you" or "call you later". She can always find time.

Run.

[Buccaneer55]

So without her saying a word I believe I have my answer. I believe she's actually attempting to fix things with her H. Last night on our social media app that started it all for us I noticed she had taken down a comment she left on one of my pictures that was a love comment.

 

So I decided to go to her page and noticed she had taken down about 75 photos off of her own including any that referenced me or had comments back and forth between us, and on top of that her H and her were now following each other as he had created an account.

 

I was fed lie after lie from this woman so for all those who are always saying in other threads that's it's these MM, MW do the exact same thing in how they treat the AP.

 

Now I feel like a fool who let his guard down with someone from his past. Just feel used and disgusted with myself that I compromised my morals and really believed that she was getting divorced. So many unanswered questions like why did she bring me around some friends, why did she let me meet her sister through FaceTime, why did she allow me and the daughter to connect, why did she do Christmas with me???

 

Seriously two days ago she freakin missed me??? Wtf is wrong with her!!! Today is hopefully day two of complete NC. After going through what I went through in my divorce and all the lies here, I'm starting to believe there isn't a decent woman out there ( no offense to all the women here ) just really venting

[sandylee1]

Just tell her that her actions suggest it's over with the two of you and you believe she's reconciling with her H....but you wish she'd have the decency to be honest with you.

 

Let her know that her actions are not okay and you deserve more respect than being thrown a text here or there. Tell her she can come and see you by X date to explain and if she doesn't..you'll have your answer and will leave her to get on with her life and you'll do the same. Tell her you are not prepared to discuss this via text or on the phone.. she has to make contact..or you're reluctantly walking away for good.

 

You must be prepared to do it. No wishy washiness and no weakness. Simply that you won't be treated this way and you thought much better of her..sadly you were wrong.

 

You have to get out of limbo land or you'll go crazy.

 

Then block her... no need to tell her your doing this.. just do it.

[sandylee1]

Double post

Edited January 20, 2016 by sandylee1
Double post

[BuddyX]

Don't look for answers. Everything she has told you up to this point is a lie, what makes you thing she will give you honesty now?

 

Go No Contact. If she gets a hold of you (and she will. She'll look for a friend), respond with a simple "We're not friends, we're not enemies, we're strangers with memories".

 

Drop the mic, and walk with head held up high.

[Buccaneer55]

Thanks for the advice. I really believe NC is the best way to go for me. I'm going to disappear for awhile. I'm not going to post anything on the Social Media account for a month or two and then I think I'm going to come in and block her at that point. Another mind game she's playing with me is why the heck didn't she just unfollow me last night when she took everything down?? I don't understand the reasoning behind taking all of that down but not blocking me herself on her page or unfollowing me on mine.

 

 

Do you really think she'd be crazy enough to try and reach out again?? That just sounds even more insane with what she's already doing. She literally treats me like I'm a piece of garbage. Can't believe a month ago I'm at her place tucking her kid into bed and now this