Guy came back into my life. Should I sleep with him or not?

[Lovezen_30]

I met this guy through a mutual close friend 6 years ago. When I became single for the first time in a long time, we started having long, in-depth conversations about our hopes and dreams etc. At this time I also knew he was planning to move 8 hours away for University.

 

These chats went on for months and finally one night in a club we started hooking up. We made out and were all over each other for hours - there was an opportunity to sleep together, but I declined, knowing I'd be too attached when he left if anything happened. I met another guy who was part of the group around the same time and this guy went on to be a long-term bf of 2 years. The first guy was sad about this, but ultimately accepted it, was always polite & respectful to my new boyfriend and then moved away.

 

Recently I saw him for the first time in 4 years (visiting for xmas). He tapped me on the shoulder and had the biggest smile on his face when he hugged me. We stayed close to each other like magnets throughout the night, laughed together and chatted about our lives. Just at the point where he told me he was considering whether to move back home or not, someone interrupted us and we never continued that conversation. At one point as I was chatting with friends, I realised he was staring at me from across the room

 

Myself, him and our friends who are a couple went on to a bar together later. At the end of the night he looked me in the eyes, pulled me in really close and I kissed him instinctively. There was no groping this time, it was all very refined

 

Even though years have passed we can never keep our hands off each other. I know we'll see other again when he visits in a few months and I desperately want to sleep with him - but the contrast is that I also at some point want a relationship. My question: does this seem like a hook-up thing or potentially more if circumstances allow it? Would it be a mistake to sleep with him?

 

The main reason why I don't know that we would ever work as a couple is because in terms of religion, we're not compatible. It doesn't bother me, but he might feel differently. I recently also decided I want a relationship, rather than casual sex - he would be the exception.

[Standard-Fare]

Questions:

- Where do both of you live now? Close together?

- Scale of 1-10, how big of a deal are these religion concerns? (Like is one of you an atheist and the other a devout worshipper?)

 

Not knowing your answers yet, this sounds like more of a relationship potential thing than a one-time hookup. You liked each other in the past, your timing was always off, and now it seems like it maybe could be the right time to explore something.

[Lovezen_30]

Questions:

- Where do both of you live now? Close together?

- Scale of 1-10, how big of a deal are these religion concerns? (Like is one of you an atheist and the other a devout worshipper?)

 

Not knowing your answers yet, this sounds like more of a relationship potential thing than a one-time hookup. You liked each other in the past, your timing was always off, and now it seems like it maybe could be the right time to explore something.

 

How would I know if he liked me more than just a hook up? It's difficult to tell. I know he would be careful to not mistreat me in any way. His best male friend since childhood is also one of my best friends and confidantes.

 

1) No, we still live further apart. Basically we had a conversation where I told him I had agonised over whether to move home or not (ultimately decided to move home). He told me he was facing a similar dilemma about whether to move home or go elsewhere (admitting things had no worked out where he was). He visits home semi-frequently though. When I next see him, he will either have made a decision or still be up in the air. IF I had a chance to talk to him more about it, I would have gently suggested he considers moving home of course

 

2) Yep, I'm an atheist and he is religious to the point where he went to a religious university and has done some voluntary religious work abroad (although he has never discussed religion with me). This is where I start to think, we seem compatible in LOADS of ways, but then there's this big one. But we still connect so fantastically, it might be worth getting together casually if we both want to.

[Standard-Fare]

Has he given you any signs (recently or in the past) that he'd be more interested in casual hookups than an actual relationship? And are you confident that he's 100 percent single right now?

 

Unless you have valid reasons to view him as a player who would sleep with you once or twice then drop off, I don't think you need to worry so much about the implications of hooking up. Most relationships start that way, right?

 

The religion stuff: Nothing you wrote above suggests that it would have to be a dealbreaker for a relationship. Just because he's affiliated with religious institutions/groups doesn't mean his viewpoints and lifestyle are going to be drop-dead objectionable to you. (And contrasting perspectives can sometimes be good for a relationship.)

 

However, it sounds like you don't know a lot yet about how his religion affects both his day-to-day behavior and his broader belief system. For example, does he go to church regularly and expect his partner to join him? Does he vote based on his religion? What does he think of gay people? Does he have certain views about sex and women's rights (i.e. abortion) you might strongly disagree with? Unfortunately those types of things you're only going to find out by getting to know him better.

[Lovezen_30]

Has he given you any signs (recently or in the past) that he'd be more interested in casual hookups than an actual relationship? And are you confident that he's 100 percent single right now?

 

Unless you have valid reasons to view him as a player who would sleep with you once or twice then drop off, I don't think you need to worry so much about the implications of hooking up. Most relationships start that way, right?

 

The religion stuff: Nothing you wrote above suggests that it would have to be a dealbreaker for a relationship. Just because he's affiliated with religious institutions/groups doesn't mean his viewpoints and lifestyle are going to be drop-dead objectionable to you. (And contrasting perspectives can sometimes be good for a relationship.)

 

However, it sounds like you don't know a lot yet about how his religion affects both his day-to-day behavior and his broader belief system. For example, does he go to church regularly and expect his partner to join him? Does he vote based on his religion? What does he think of gay people? Does he have certain views about sex and women's rights (i.e. abortion) you might strongly disagree with? Unfortunately those types of things you're only going to find out by getting to know him better.

 

I'm not 100% confident, but I also doubt he would have got so close to me in front of all our shared friends/be considering moving if he was serious with someone. I once confided in this mutual male friend that I thought he might be a player and the friend responded "him...a player!?". Other than the stuff detailed in the OP, I have never had any other indication. We don't keep in touch but when back together it's like no time has passed. Also, do you think it's strange that he has never had a long-term relationship in the 6 years I've know him?

 

This is true. I don't know the answer to these questions so far (about abortion, regular church visits etc). In terms of gay people, one of his closest male friends is gay and I've never seen him treating anyone with anything but respect. We vote similarly and not based on religion.

 

I suppose the problem is just that I never enter into a relationship without thinking long-term (I do want kids and doubt I would want them to be raised in a particular faith). Whereas in the past, I didn't want to hook up because I knew feelings would be hurt, I feel differently about the situation. I do want to sleep with him, but it is slightly in contrast with my recent decision to seek out a long-term relationship at this point in my life (and I'm not even sure if that is a good idea, or if I should still be going more with the flow...).

Edited December 29, 2015 by Lovezen_30

[Standard-Fare]

I think if you're comfortable with the idea of hooking up with him without any certainty of what the future holds, you should just go with the flow. You two obviously have chemistry.

 

It doesn't sound as if you'd be heartbroken if this DOESN'T blossom into a long-term thing. At the same time it sounds like there could be potential for that, and it may be worth exploring down the line.

 

Consider that this may be the only window in your lives when the timing matches up so perfectly. You're both single, you have this long-established connection, and right now there's an opportunity to take a chance with it. Another few months down the line, and that window could be closed. Would you have regrets and doubts if you let this pass by without exploring it?

[Lovezen_30]

I think if you're comfortable with the idea of hooking up with him without any certainty of what the future holds, you should just go with the flow. You two obviously have chemistry.

 

It doesn't sound as if you'd be heartbroken if this DOESN'T blossom into a long-term thing. At the same time it sounds like there could be potential for that, and it may be worth exploring down the line.

 

Consider that this may be the only window in your lives when the timing matches up so perfectly. You're both single, you have this long-established connection, and right now there's an opportunity to take a chance with it. Another few months down the line, and that window could be closed. Would you have regrets and doubts if you let this pass by without exploring it?

 

I think (or hope) that the next time we meet things will unfold naturally.

 

I wouldn't be devastated, but it's not often I feel chemistry as powerful as this so it would have been a case of two ships passing the night. Which could certainly still happen. You've given me food for thought, thank you.

[privategal]

There should probably be some sort of phone or email connection in between the next time you see him in person.

I'm not sure why the rush to sleep with him, take more time and find out if your going to be able to take a chance as a couple.

I think sex just complicates everything if done before a little traditional dating and getting to know eachothers brain a little more.

Im not old fashioned at all but Id just say hold off a bit.