Horrible situation regarding my new marriage.

[howtomoveon]

This is so traumatic I don't even know where to begin. It's going to be long so I appreciate your patience.

I've been married for five months to my husband, dated 2 years. Things were blissful, passionate and we had a strong infatuation from the start. About two months before our wedding, I caught him in his first big lie, smoking at work for months behind my back. I had smelled it on him a few times throughout the past few months and every time I asked, he swore on everyone and their mother (actually on his mother and my daughter) that it was not him but his co-worker. When I finally caught him with cigarettes in his car, I was floored not at the smoking but at the dishonesty and how he could so easily & consistently lie to my face. I considered calling off our engagement but after seeking advice from friends and family, consensus was that he was likely ashamed, smoking is not that big a deal, and so I got past it. I did not ask him to quit, just asked him not to lie again, and he said he wouldn't and also promised to quit before our wedding. He did quit at that point, and everything was seemingly ok. Strike One.

Before we go on, I have to add that after this incident, my trust was broken and I started to question his integrity.

Fast forward another couple of months and there have been minor incidents where I've caught him in lies, but nothing as big as that. Lying about paying a bill on time, about taking help from a relative for years on his student loan, etc. All things he is ashamed of.

We went ahead and got married and everything was great. A few months later we went on our honeymoon, which was also for the most part wonderful. After our honeymoon I thought I smelled cigarette smoke on him again, and sure enough I found cigs in his bag. I don't normally look in his bag - this was the first time. Again denied it to no end, etc. I didn't really care about the smoking, but the LYING again. We are newlyweds! It was not acceptable. We started having a lot of arguments about values, honesty, respect, etc. And I started to question everything this man says. This happened around early November. Strike two.

Concurrently, we had started trying for a baby in September. Because I am in my late 30s, my doctor advised intercourse as often as possible on days 10-17 of my cycle. His libido, however, has decreased significantly for the last few months, and we could barely make love. We average twice a week at best, only thanks to my efforts, and this has taken a toll on my self-esteem. Being busy with wedding planning, etc., I hadn't focused too much on this, but now that we "needed" to make love for conception, it became more of an issue. He says he is tired, doesn't want to be late for work, has to pee, the excuses are endless. Also, when intimacy did happen, he often had a hard time finishing. Not knowing any better, I asked him to get his testosterone checked, which he did and the results came out fine.

 

To make a very long story shorter, thanks to our cell phone provider warning us about exorbitant data use, I eventually found out that he has been using webcam porn every single day for who knows how long. I can't imagine just how much he's actually watching since most of his time is ON wifi. I panicked when I confronted him because it was yet another lie, he'd been telling me for months he does not masturbate or watch porn when I had questioned our intimacy issues. When he finally admitted it, he apologized, said he considered it cheating (I do not) and that he would stop immediately. Again, I didn't ask him to stop. I actually have little problem with porn itself, although the webcam factor does set off red flags for me. But it's the LYING I definitely can not accept. I just don't feel safe when I'm near him. I am also concerned at his lack of effort regarding the intimacy within this marriage. On top of it, I feel like a fool because I realize the reason he can barely finish with me is likely the incessant porn/masturbation. Strike three.

During this week, on his way to work one day, he proceeds to tell me he actually does not want a child anymore and thinks it is a bad idea to continue to try to conceive.

As luck would have it, my period was late and the next day we found out I was pregnant. I was devastated because I want to grow our family, but not this way, and not after he tells me he no longer wants to.

We discussed terminating the pregnancy and trying again later when our relationship was on more solid footing. He said he was open to having this child if I wanted to and also open to having one later when we got through our issues. This is not a moral issue for either of us so we can skip that aspect. Still, we both had a hard time with everything, and didn't make a final decision on what to do. Side note: I have a child from a previous relationship who is very close to him. He has been a good father figure. I very much want another child.

 

A week later it was Thanksgiving. I drove eight hours to pick up his mother and bring her to our home, and then I ran out to take care of some errands. During this time he watched porn the entire evening despite having promised earlier that we would be intimate later. When I got home, he said he was sleepy and went to bed. I looked at his phone and lo and behold, dozens of porn sites. He had taken care of himself, so he easily went to bed. The next morning I asked him and he vehemently denied it, thirty, maybe forty times. Then when he realized I wasn't buying it, he said "he maybe watched some at work" and later that "he didn't recall" if he watched any in the evening. Then he said he did plan to stop like he said he would, but he hadn't really started to stop.

The following week, I went out of town to see family. Before this, we had a serious heart-to-heart where I broke down and told him I would not stand for the lying anymore. He swore on our baby that he would not lie again, now that I was pregnant. He also promised to look for a counselor and to curb the porn watching. It was our biggest fight to date; I pleaded for his honesty and said I ended up getting sick to my stomach and asking him to please prioritize our marriage (I am also at this point very hormonal).

 

In the meantime I had installed a URL logger on our home router. When he was home alone, I could see that every night he was online visiting dozens of porn sites. When I returned home he said how tired he was and how he hadn't been able to sleep while I was gone. I asked him if he had been watching porn, he swore up and down no. He swore on our baby, on me, on his own life again. At this point I could not take it anymore. I called him on it so he gave me a partial truth and said he looked once but couldn't get excited and stopped. He said I was crazy for thinking that and when am I ever going to trust him? When he swore on our baby yet again, I broke down. I couldn't take the anxiety or the lies & I asked him to move out. I was so stressed and upset I didn't know what else to do to make the pain stop. He asked me about the baby and I said it was not a good idea. We had both been on the fence but this made me feel so scared for the future of this poor child. With all the sadness in my heart, I terminated my pregnancy.

He agreed to move out, didn't fight it at all. I was devastated as he was leaving and cried and told him I love him so much but I just don't know what else to do. This is not a life. He just said he was sorry for turning my life upside down, and left.

 

Christmas passed, which he spent with his family, and he now wants to talk. They want a reconciliation, so I'm sure they asked him to talk to me. I would love to work things out, however, he hasn't taken a single action on his own to show me remorse or desire to make things different. He never did seek counseling and his lack of communication when everything happened kind of tells me he is again hiding in his own shame and just wants to escape everything.

 

Now that my hormones are back to a normal level, I feel like I may have overreacted. I do not regret the decision about the pregnancy, and he does not either. I am certain it is best for everyone, but for my daughter primarily, to focus on restoring a healthy home environment before adding the incredible stress of a new child to an unstable marriage. However, maybe pulling the plug on our marriage was precipitous.

 

I did not ask him to leave to get a reaction out of him or to manipulate him into changing. I asked him to leave because I felt like I was losing my sanity, spending all my energy on obsessing about what he could be hiding, waiting for the next shoe to drop. It is hindering my ability to work and parent. I realize I am not perfect, but I am usually very even-keeled. My close friends are worried about me and how unglued I seem lately.

 

Would you give this man a chance? Do liars ever stop lying? Is there hope for our marriage? I took my vows very seriously and maybe I shouldn't give up. I just don't know if this is something we could ever recover from. Could I ever trust him? Could he trust me now? I do love him, and he loves me. We are both hurting so much. Despite how negative this all sounds, there are many great qualities about him and our marriage. He is kind, loving, cooperative and generous and would do anything to protect us.

Thank you for reading.

[d0nnivain]

Yikes

 

 

Granted individually each lie is a relatively small thing & who ever said he lies because he's probably embarrassed about the behavior was probably right on. However this man seems to have lied about everything and anything. He doesn't seem to know how to tell the truth.

 

 

The minute he said he didn't want kids, that would be a deal breaker for me, if you want them.

 

 

If you were still pregnant I might have suggested MC but as things stand I don't think this habitual liar will ever change. Stop compounding your mistake & do what's best for you.

[VeveCakes]

Wow.

 

Been there, done that. The lies NEVER stop, neither does the porn.

 

I am not as forgiving as you, as to me porn is cheating, and webcams? Even worse - but that's just my stance.

 

He is lying to your face time and time again. He knows what he is doing, he just does not care to stop. This porn addiction will rid him of a loving relationship and probably many others in the future.

 

I think you did the right thing. I would not pursue anything further personally.

[salparadise]

I think that with a baby on the way you ought to make an effort, but he probably isn't going to change until/unless he decides to himself and takes it seriously. You can make him say anything but you can't make him mean it. Therapy could possibly help but it's not like flipping a switch.

 

My best guess is that he is who he is and won't change much. Integrity is a character trait, not a behavior. So life will be pretty much what you've come to expect thus far. It's just not realistic to marry someone based on a promise to become someone else, particularly if the issue is disingenuousness in the core personality.

 

But you could get one of these and then you'd know he's telling the truth when is says he's keeping' in his pants.

Edited December 29, 2015 by salparadise

[MidwestUSA]

Actually, Sal, she terminated the baby.

 

Issues so severe in a marriage that would result in such a decision aren't reconcilable, IMO. Terminate the marriage. This guy doesn't want kids anyway. Let him live with his parents and jerk off the rest of his life.

 

So sorry.

[Methodical]

I take marriage vows seriously, as well, but there have been some flexibilities along the way. Why? Because lying isn't healthy. Once the trust is gone, it's most likely gone permanently.

 

You knew what he'd be up to while you were away so you made a conscious decision to prepare to catch him in yet another lie. To have tangible, irrefutable proof. That's not healthy living arrangements, IMO.

 

I understand your plight...it's not necessarily the action so much as the lying in and of itself. That's a deal breaker. Never or rarely wanting sex bc he prefers masturbation - another deal breaker.

 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not an anti-porn or anti-masturbation woman. I enjoy both, regularly. That said, my sexual appetite is off the chart. Aside from the occasional rifts relationships go thru, we are extremely active. Tbh, he has trouble keeping up with my libido, hence masturbation and mutually agreed upon alternative activities. In no way is he being "replaced" with outside influential factors. I can't imagine a sexless marriage. I've said many times I didn't marry bc I wanted a roommate to share expenses, and TO ME, that's what a sexless marriage is.

 

Your relationship with him is toxic and I doubt it'll get better. You deserve a relationship that doesn't entail forethought and actions to prove he'll lie to you without blinking an eye.

[Mr. Lucky]

Would you give this man a chance? Do liars ever stop lying? Is there hope for our marriage? I took my vows very seriously and maybe I shouldn't give up. I just don't know if this is something we could ever recover from. Could I ever trust him? Could he trust me now? I do love him, and he loves me. We are both hurting so much. Despite how negative this all sounds, there are many great qualities about him and our marriage. He is kind, loving, cooperative and generous and would do anything to protect us.

Thank you for reading.

 

Bottom line, you're never going to trust him. If you have to spend more time investigating than cuddling (rightly so in your case), something's very wrong.

 

I wouldn't spend the rest of my life trying to pound his square peg into a marital round hole...

 

Mr. Lucky

[testmeasure]

I'm not particularly religious. I have more of a functional morality. If porn allows someone to fill a gap, ok whatever. But if it interferes with a real physical relationship? Really? Huh? Let alone a value/goal driven mutually agreed decision to try to have children? (I understand the late 30s point.)

 

 

If someone can't tell you A from B, that's game over. Suppose you do have a kid. As a teenager, the kid is doing drugs, sleeping around. Your husband tells you no, that's not happening. Wow, now your husband isn't just destroying himself with his lies.

 

 

That your own intuitive, emotion driven calculator told you this was so bad that you reached a conclusion and ended a pregnancy... Other than for support and reinforcement, I'm not sure about even asking for anonymous interment opinion. If you can reach the first conclusion to end something on your own, how hard could it be to reach the second conclusion to end the overall situation that created that?

 

 

I'm not a professional in any field relevant to this subject and what I've written here in this case is kind of a gut reaction.

[Gunny376]

Do as you've done, and your going to be single for the rest of your life ~ your not looking for a husband, your looking for a Saint!

 

He lies because your expecting "perfection" or the prefect husband, or your own personal value judgement of what that is or may be? Good luck in finding him.

 

He lies, because you expect this idealistic perfection of what a husband is or should be, and he can't measure up to it.

 

The problems you've got with this one? Your going to have with the next one, because the problem isn't HIM, its you and your high expectations of what perfection ~ or the perfect husband is.

 

Its time to quit playing "house" with the Christmas doll house, and dolls, and step into the reality of the real world.

[Gunny376]

https://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=biscuits&view=detail&&mid=EA9BEE4D762A74B3F044EA9BEE4D762A74B3F044

 

Something to consider

[66Charger]

I have to agree with Gunny. You dont trust your husband and he doesnt trust you. He has problems, but they dont seem insurmountable. Smoking is the toughest addiction to break. On this one, you need to be WITH HIM in the battle. You need to be a ally and not just say "dont do it. If he slips, help him get back on the wagon. Quitting smoking is a life long battle. Make him feel you are his partner in the battle.

 

It does appear he lies out of fear of you. That kind of lying can be worked out. When someone lies for no reason, thats a problem. You BOTH should focus on why he lies, not the lie (this is not minimizing)

 

The porn issue could be deep or not. Thats for you two to work out with IC for him. There doesnt seem to be infidelity, DV, laziness and it appears the family gets along. You two need to get serious and work together or part ways.

[Rejected Rosebud]

Do as you've done, and your going to be single for the rest of your life ~ your not looking for a husband, your looking for a Saint!

 

He lies because your expecting "perfection" or the prefect husband, or your own personal value judgement of what that is or may be? Good luck in finding him.

Really? You think she is out of line for expecting honesty from her husband??

 

Or for expecting her husband to prioritize their intimate life over his private webcam porn life??

 

He lies, because you expect this idealistic perfection of what a husband is or should be, and he can't measure up to it.

No, that is wrong. A person who lies is responsible for their own dishonesty. It's not anybody else's fault.

 

The problems you've got with this one? Your going to have with the next one, because the problem isn't HIM, its you and your high expectations of what perfection ~ or the perfect husband is.

 

Its time to quit playing "house" with the Christmas doll house, and dolls, and step into the reality of the real world.

Sorry but that is pretty insulting. You think that it's a fantasy world to have a husband who doesn't lie to you every day and ignores your desires for intimacy? That is really sad.

 

Anyway as another poster said, THIS relationship is toxic and the fact of terminating a pregnancy that at first was tried for ... it can never be OK even if the guy never looked at porn or was caught in a lie again. Trust is all gone.

[anika99]

The OP is not wrong to expect honesty from her husband. Even if her demands were unreasonable, which I don't think they are, it does not give her husband a license to lie. I don't think not wanting a porn addicted, intimacy withholding, chronically lying husband means the OP is expecting perfection. Sure couples should work through problems together but the OP's husband can't even admit to having a problem. He is a porn addict and if he doesn't address that there will never be true intimacy or trust in the marriage. This isn't a situation of a guy beating off to porn occasionally because his wife isn't up to sex. This is a guy who is choosing porn over his wife because he has a serious addiction.

 

OP all that being said it always makes me uncomfortable when someone becomes entirely wrapped up and focussed on trying to control or manage someone or something which they have no control over. It is very codependent behaviour and it's not healthy. I'm not saying your husbands behaviour is okay, it's definitely not, but all the snooping on his phone then interrogating him for the truth, then anxiously checking on him, just waiting to catch him again and being devastated when you did although you new from experience that you would, well that was you driving yourself nuts and driving your own anxiety as you were trying to control something you cannot control. You first have to accept that your husband has an addiction that you can't control or manage then you have to decide how you want to go forward. Since your husband does not admit to his addiction and is doing nothing about it, I would probably opt for divorce. However if your husband comes around and decides to seek treatment and you decide to stand by him then you will have to stand back and let him take responsibility for his problem. You cannot go back to the snooping and questioning and watching and waiting because that is dysfunctional and unhealthy on its own.

[TaraMaiden2]

Gunny, Normally, when it comes to being logical and down-to-earth, straight through the middle, you're the guy who tells it like it is, no bones about it, on target, bullseye.

 

In this case, you are totally, hopelessly wrong.

You are so far wrong that it looks like you don't know which way is up....

And it took something for me to say that.

[ExpatInItaly]

Does you husband want to reconcile?

 

You said his family does. But does he?

 

If he has taken no steps to improve things, left without much argument, doesn't show any remorse for his actions or desire to make things right...maybe he's not all that interested in the marriage anymore.

[MJJean]

My exH was a chronic liar. It got to the point that it became simpler to just assume that most of what he said was a lie. Maybe some liars can and do change, but I know my ex hasn't. I don't talk to him, but my kids and his mom love to rant about his lies and broken promises. We split up 16 years ago and he's still lying about lying. Meanwhile, I'm just over here in my little corner of the world being happy that his lies aren't my problem anymore.

[howtomoveon]

Thank you everyone for your kind responses to such a delicate matter. I truly don't know which way is up right now. I feel like I could use any help I can get & maybe I should consider meds. I cannot get motivated to do anything and I feel so sad about the state of things.

His parents sent a Christmas letter pretty much about the difficulties of marriage and making it work, along with a self-help book for newlyweds. I sent him an electronic copy and he said "that was nice of them to write that". Frankly the letter was a wake up call to me. I do love him so much I am incredibly conflicted. The idea of not being married to him makes me very sad. Then there's the vows I made, the fact I didn't even give us a chance. I feel so horrible.

 

Gunny's words got to me too. Although I don't think being dishonest is in any way acceptable (hence my actions), I think there is a glimmer of truth in that my H is terrified to disappoint me. My brother told me I can be intimidating when someone upsets me and this has been on my mind a lot. H chooses to lie instead of being authentic and standing up to me. I don't know how to react to this. Maybe if I hadn't made such a big deal about the smoking, he wouldn't have felt he had to lie about it again, and then the porn thing. As I said before, it's not about the smoking or porn as much as it is about the lack of honesty, the lack of intimacy, and lack of communication.

 

 

Regarding this:

 

Does you husband want to reconcile?

 

You said his family does. But does he?

 

If he has taken no steps to improve things, left without much argument, doesn't show any remorse for his actions or desire to make things right...maybe he's not all that interested in the marriage anymore.

 

I honestly do not know if he wants to reconcile. I know he is devastated. He has been very apologetic and acts completely ashamed. At one point he couldn't even look at me and said he was so sorry for failing me. Yet he has not offered to take action to fix things or asked to try to work things out. He does suffer from low self-esteem by the way.

 

We are meeting tonight to talk, but I am not really sure what his intent is. We have logistical things to discuss so maybe that's it for him. From the little communication we've had thus far, he is feeling incredibly rejected and hurt. He did mention looking for a counselor after the holidays but that's about it. Two days ago he deleted his FB profile which was pretty much a testament to our love, filled with our wedding pictures, etc. It seems he is trying to detach. So sad but trying to stay strong.

[makemineamac]

So sad for you, but I have to tell you, that as a former liar myself - it became a way of life for me for most of my formative years and well into my 30's - he will not change unless he does the work necessary to understand why he lies.

 

I did the work myself after having an affair and leaving someone whom I consider to be the greatest woman in the world.

 

The affair went on and I left my wife, she never knew why but I did.

 

When the person I had the affair with eventually had another affair with someone else, I was broken. I had to stop, reevaluate everything. Spent an hour a week for months seeing a psychologist and working out issues from childhood and so on. In the end, I 'fixed' that part of my life. I can say I no longer lie as a matter of day to day living. It feels great I have to tell you.

 

For me at least, lying in childhood reinforced that I could get away with, or get what I wanted by lying. Your partner here clearly still does not recognize how to, or the benefits of being open and honest. Until he sees there is a benefit in telling the truth - ugly as it may be sometimes, he won't be able to have an open and honest relationship and he will disappoint you again and again.

 

Will he put that effort in? I don't know, but it doesn't sound like he's at that point.

 

And while I, as a former smoker, (who also tried to hide it from my partner and lied about it), agree that it's a tough habit to give up, lying about it did me no good and it's not OK to lie about that either.

 

Understand this has just been my experience, and I hope you get some results that will work for you.

[howtomoveon]

My H and I finally met up for dinner. We chit-chatted for a while and caught up with our lives at first. It was very nice. I miss him so much and told him so. He said he did too. Finally he asked what I wanted and I said I didn't want a divorce but I could not handle our arguing anymore and I felt he had checked out at the end there when he made those last promises and blatantly lied.

He proceeds to tell me that indeed he felt checked out and frustrated with all the arguing, but that he would have never left me. He's upset that I initiated this breakup. His family also has sided with me and he's upset with them, saying they do not support him.

He then proceeds to tell me several issues he has with me. One being my support of his career, or lack thereof in his opinion. He has been wanting to change jobs lately but because of my own impending job instability, I had been dismissive of that wish.

He also said he doesn't feel like a priority. That my daughter (which he understands), my house, my friends come before him and we don't ever have time for one on one dates. He's complained about this before but never to this degree. He is right about this.

He said I want all of his time and don't support him socializing at work etc. True that he works long hours and always comes straight home. Another issue I had no idea he had.

Then he tells me that he doesn't feel he can be himself with me and part of his porn watching was to take his mind off our problems and his frustrations.

He is definitely passive when it comes to voicing his feelings. Case in point I didn't realize he was bottling all of this up. He said he's not usually dishonest person and he doesn't actually understand why he can't trust me.

 

Then he said he doesn't know what he wants anymore, that our relationship had gotten pretty bad and that he doesn't want to give up on our marriage but he would like for us to be friends in order to be married, and he doesn't feel we are.

 

On top of everything one of my friend's friend saw him out with a woman and told my friend. When I asked him he said yes, he's been online trying to find people to talk to since he doesn't have anyone. So he went on a date. He said he wore his ring and talked about our marriage (but without trust how do I believe it?). Then I said well, we need to define things right now, and we decided we are not to sleep with anyone else. I'm not even considering this but am afraid he would since he's lonely and feeling rejected. And as he rightfully told me, you asked me for a divorce and I didn't know where we stood.

In the end we ended up kissing outside, and taking it further in the car. It was amazing in the way it used to be even just a couple of months ago. But now my judgment is all clouded and I want to reconcile in a major way.

I texted him yesterday morning and said I wanted him to know he is my best friend and I want to talk to him more but don't want to pressure him. He replied avoid an earlier text but not to that. I'm very sad and feel like the tables have turned. I wish we had communicated all of this before.

Is he done with our marriage? I feel silly for wanting to try after all that's happened but I do love him and am not ready to give up on our marriage, especially now that I know I have work to do too.

[Art_Critic]

So he blames you for his porn watching and all the other issues.. how does that make you feel ?

 

Then throw in that he is already online looking for a woman.. geez...

 

Nice guy he is....I wouldn't worry about him being done with the marriage, that is only a ploy to get you back.. you should be done with this marriage

[MightyQuinn]

My ex was also a chronic liar and porn addict. And he blamed his lying and porn addictions on me. I also bent over backwards to reconcile and make things better. His lying and porn addiction led him to cheating on me. And where are we now? I've been out of the house for more than a year, divorced since June, and he STILL feels the need to lie to me about all sorts of things, and even gives my friends messages to tell me that are OBVIOUS lies. Why the lies, since there's no relationship, and therefore no reason to hide the truth? He's just a liar through and through, that's why.

[LifeNomad]

ive known a couple of people that lie for any reason, even if it doesn't matter, it stems from childhood tho, one person in particular all thru elementary, jr high, high school and even as an adult I remember lies and lies and lies and everybody knew, would like for the dumbest littlest things that wouldn't matter. Every regular conversation he probably threw a little lie here and there, and they were all white lies that wouldn't have hurt or bothered anyone, for example he would probably lie about the color of his socks if asked.

 

 

maybe its a psychological thing, this person grew up with his grandparents, Im not sure if he ever knew his mom, and his dad was in and out of his life.

 

 

Maybe he would lie to get out of trouble and sort of started lying because maybe he felt people didn't like to hear the truth from him. I think his dad would beat him sometimes, and he would also steal adult magazines from his dad.

 

 

Either way i considered him a friend and kinda just accepted him like that, and over time i was able to somewhat decipher on what was real and what was a lie.

 

 

If its a long term lying thing of his, if you love him and wanna work it out, maybe try talking to him and letting him know first and foremost he has to stop working on lying, that you wont get mad for the things he does, and that u will still love him, and i guess the porn watching thing is something you could also try working on, im not a porn guy, just a guy, but when i was with my ex i found it really hot she would actually suggest we watch stuff like that together.

 

 

just my 2 cents.

[SummerDreams]

I'm really sorry to see that you are married to a never grown up man, basically a child. He seems totally immature to me, he doesn't seem to be able to realize that he is an adult and lying like a kid is not allowed. Even when you talked he did not apologize for all the lying and the deceiving, he just passed all the guilt to you. YOU are the one who stressed him into watching porn, into lying, into not taking responsibility. I find the way you terminated your so much anticipated pregnancy a result of his irresponsibility. He seems to not know what the hell he wants in his life. The way he treated you, his wife who he supposedly loves, not caring about your pain, not caring about the anxiety about having a baby and so easily letting you terminate the pregnancy, it's just disgusting. If I had to bet I'd say that he is a man who never knew how to grow up and become an adult, he can't accept responsibility, he suffers from some kind of emotional depression or something (that has to be taken care of) and he basically doesn't know what he wants. I understand that you are a dynamic strong character who maybe takes over all the stuff that need to be done and this lets him have even less responsibility.

 

If you were my friend I would tell you that this man will not change because first and foremost HE doesn't seem to realize he has a problem. Would you be willing to wait for like 5 years until he realizes he has some issues, decides to see a therapist and starts solving them? You are exhausted from this situation that has only lasted what, 6 months? Imagine how you would be in the next 5 years... Do yourself a favor and start thinking about your and your daughter's well being. Don't wait for him to grow up. You deserve an all grown up man and your daughter deserves a mature father.

[Brandyundercover45]

This is so traumatic I don't even know where to begin. It's going to be long so I appreciate your patience.

I've been married for five months to my husband, dated 2 years. Things were blissful, passionate and we had a strong infatuation from the start. About two months before our wedding, I caught him in his first big lie, smoking at work for months behind my back. I had smelled it on him a few times throughout the past few months and every time I asked, he swore on everyone and their mother (actually on his mother and my daughter) that it was not him but his co-worker. When I finally caught him with cigarettes in his car, I was floored not at the smoking but at the dishonesty and how he could so easily & consistently lie to my face. I considered calling off our engagement but after seeking advice from friends and family, consensus was that he was likely ashamed, smoking is not that big a deal, and so I got past it. I did not ask him to quit, just asked him not to lie again, and he said he wouldn't and also promised to quit before our wedding. He did quit at that point, and everything was seemingly ok. Strike One.

Before we go on, I have to add that after this incident, my trust was broken and I started to question his integrity.

Fast forward another couple of months and there have been minor incidents where I've caught him in lies, but nothing as big as that. Lying about paying a bill on time, about taking help from a relative for years on his student loan, etc. All things he is ashamed of.

We went ahead and got married and everything was great. A few months later we went on our honeymoon, which was also for the most part wonderful. After our honeymoon I thought I smelled cigarette smoke on him again, and sure enough I found cigs in his bag. I don't normally look in his bag - this was the first time. Again denied it to no end, etc. I didn't really care about the smoking, but the LYING again. We are newlyweds! It was not acceptable. We started having a lot of arguments about values, honesty, respect, etc. And I started to question everything this man says. This happened around early November. Strike two.

Concurrently, we had started trying for a baby in September. Because I am in my late 30s, my doctor advised intercourse as often as possible on days 10-17 of my cycle. His libido, however, has decreased significantly for the last few months, and we could barely make love. We average twice a week at best, only thanks to my efforts, and this has taken a toll on my self-esteem. Being busy with wedding planning, etc., I hadn't focused too much on this, but now that we "needed" to make love for conception, it became more of an issue. He says he is tired, doesn't want to be late for work, has to pee, the excuses are endless. Also, when intimacy did happen, he often had a hard time finishing. Not knowing any better, I asked him to get his testosterone checked, which he did and the results came out fine.

 

To make a very long story shorter, thanks to our cell phone provider warning us about exorbitant data use, I eventually found out that he has been using webcam porn every single day for who knows how long. I can't imagine just how much he's actually watching since most of his time is ON wifi. I panicked when I confronted him because it was yet another lie, he'd been telling me for months he does not masturbate or watch porn when I had questioned our intimacy issues. When he finally admitted it, he apologized, said he considered it cheating (I do not) and that he would stop immediately. Again, I didn't ask him to stop. I actually have little problem with porn itself, although the webcam factor does set off red flags for me. But it's the LYING I definitely can not accept. I just don't feel safe when I'm near him. I am also concerned at his lack of effort regarding the intimacy within this marriage. On top of it, I feel like a fool because I realize the reason he can barely finish with me is likely the incessant porn/masturbation. Strike three.

During this week, on his way to work one day, he proceeds to tell me he actually does not want a child anymore and thinks it is a bad idea to continue to try to conceive.

As luck would have it, my period was late and the next day we found out I was pregnant. I was devastated because I want to grow our family, but not this way, and not after he tells me he no longer wants to.

We discussed terminating the pregnancy and trying again later when our relationship was on more solid footing. He said he was open to having this child if I wanted to and also open to having one later when we got through our issues. This is not a moral issue for either of us so we can skip that aspect. Still, we both had a hard time with everything, and didn't make a final decision on what to do. Side note: I have a child from a previous relationship who is very close to him. He has been a good father figure. I very much want another child.

 

A week later it was Thanksgiving. I drove eight hours to pick up his mother and bring her to our home, and then I ran out to take care of some errands. During this time he watched porn the entire evening despite having promised earlier that we would be intimate later. When I got home, he said he was sleepy and went to bed. I looked at his phone and lo and behold, dozens of porn sites. He had taken care of himself, so he easily went to bed. The next morning I asked him and he vehemently denied it, thirty, maybe forty times. Then when he realized I wasn't buying it, he said "he maybe watched some at work" and later that "he didn't recall" if he watched any in the evening. Then he said he did plan to stop like he said he would, but he hadn't really started to stop.

The following week, I went out of town to see family. Before this, we had a serious heart-to-heart where I broke down and told him I would not stand for the lying anymore. He swore on our baby that he would not lie again, now that I was pregnant. He also promised to look for a counselor and to curb the porn watching. It was our biggest fight to date; I pleaded for his honesty and said I ended up getting sick to my stomach and asking him to please prioritize our marriage (I am also at this point very hormonal).

 

In the meantime I had installed a URL logger on our home router. When he was home alone, I could see that every night he was online visiting dozens of porn sites. When I returned home he said how tired he was and how he hadn't been able to sleep while I was gone. I asked him if he had been watching porn, he swore up and down no. He swore on our baby, on me, on his own life again. At this point I could not take it anymore. I called him on it so he gave me a partial truth and said he looked once but couldn't get excited and stopped. He said I was crazy for thinking that and when am I ever going to trust him? When he swore on our baby yet again, I broke down. I couldn't take the anxiety or the lies & I asked him to move out. I was so stressed and upset I didn't know what else to do to make the pain stop. He asked me about the baby and I said it was not a good idea. We had both been on the fence but this made me feel so scared for the future of this poor child. With all the sadness in my heart, I terminated my pregnancy.

He agreed to move out, didn't fight it at all. I was devastated as he was leaving and cried and told him I love him so much but I just don't know what else to do. This is not a life. He just said he was sorry for turning my life upside down, and left.

 

Christmas passed, which he spent with his family, and he now wants to talk. They want a reconciliation, so I'm sure they asked him to talk to me. I would love to work things out, however, he hasn't taken a single action on his own to show me remorse or desire to make things different. He never did seek counseling and his lack of communication when everything happened kind of tells me he is again hiding in his own shame and just wants to escape everything.

 

Now that my hormones are back to a normal level, I feel like I may have overreacted. I do not regret the decision about the pregnancy, and he does not either. I am certain it is best for everyone, but for my daughter primarily, to focus on restoring a healthy home environment before adding the incredible stress of a new child to an unstable marriage. However, maybe pulling the plug on our marriage was precipitous.

 

I did not ask him to leave to get a reaction out of him or to manipulate him into changing. I asked him to leave because I felt like I was losing my sanity, spending all my energy on obsessing about what he could be hiding, waiting for the next shoe to drop. It is hindering my ability to work and parent. I realize I am not perfect, but I am usually very even-keeled. My close friends are worried about me and how unglued I seem lately.

 

Would you give this man a chance? Do liars ever stop lying? Is there hope for our marriage? I took my vows very seriously and maybe I shouldn't give up. I just don't know if this is something we could ever recover from. Could I ever trust him? Could he trust me now? I do love him, and he loves me. We are both hurting so much. Despite how negative this all sounds, there are many great qualities about him and our marriage. He is kind, loving, cooperative and generous and would do anything to protect us.

Thank you for reading.

Wow. I'm actually flabbergasted that this is real life. You said you dated him for two years before you got married, but it's like you didn't know him at all. The lying is a problem, you can't be with someone you don't trust. But for me, the fact that he left without remorse and only came back at the urging of his family would be a deal breaker. That means he wasn't sorry enough to change for you, and didn't miss you enough to come back on his own. Given that, I doubt very seriously if he'll change his ways, stop the lying and the porn. He needs individual counseling and I never say this.. but it may be too late for couple's counseling. He just really doesn't sound like he cares one way or the other if you're together or not. And I'm not saying this to be mean, I'm saying this so you don't waste your time. My former exH (I'm remarried) used to tell me all the time he didn't care. I thought he was lying. One day we had a big fight, I told him to leave and went and slept in his bar (he owned a night club). Then he didn't come back. I called him for a week and he didn't answer. I was at home, with the kids wondering where the hell he was. Finally his friend told me he's been sleeping at the bar so I went there and asked if he was okay. He was in his back office set up like he was never coming home. I practically begged him to come home, when he did, I knew he wasn't sorry for what he'd done (it wasn't cheating, but I can't remember what it was now, that was 20 years ago). Anyway my point is, he really didn't care if we stayed married or not. I left him two months later. A month after that he had a girlfriend. I'm just saying, when someone shows you who they are, believe them.

[nelib]

OP: you did the right thing. As hard as that decision must have been for you...you did the right thing. Bringing a child into an unstable situation is NOT what you want. You can make a clean break. Do it NOW. Don't look back. Read my old posts about what happened to me. Two months into our marriage I saw him for what he was. I left right away and I am so happy for it. I am actually back here to post an update and to give hope. Get out!!!

 

I dated my ex husband for over two years and then we get married and only then I discovered ALL of the lies and half truths....the drugs he promised he would stop obtaining illegally, the subscription to swinger websites, the sex conversations with perfect strangers, the porn addiction, the email accounts I didn't know existed, the homosexual tendencies....and I must say that I am extremely intelligent and a highly functioning individual at the top of my game....not the run of the mill person. People can hide so much from you that it devastates you when you realize how blind you have been. Get out.

Edited January 20, 2016 by nelib
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