winterkeep Posted December 29, 2015 Share Posted December 29, 2015 On the second last day of what has been one of the hardest years of my adult life I've been reflecting back on what I've learnt and wanted to share a few insights based on my experience with xMM. I used to judge people who had affairs, and like many were very critical and damning of OW, I was so arrogantly CERTAIN I would never be one. Enter MM. Admittedly I did not know he was married and yes I ended it with him once I found out, although I feel a bit of a liar saying that as we did maintain contact for weeks afterward via phone so really it became an emotional affair. Particularly due to my pain over my pregnancy I emotionally allowed myself to be drawn back in numerous times, responding to his messages on what our baby would have been like and the type of parents we'd be - this was no doubt an emotional affair. I really do feel humbled by my experience, I've learnt not to judge and that life is not always as black and white/ right and wrong as we'd like it to be. I see so many great women here struggling with being in affairs. Not evil, broken, unattractive or worthless women but the very opposite. I've seen some BS here (Lady Designer I'm thinking particularly of you) who have such an incredible ability to feel empathy for women who represent someone who caused a great deal of pain and upheaval in their lives. This site has been a great place for learning and healing, I hope that all on here find some peace in the new year. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted December 29, 2015 Share Posted December 29, 2015 On the second last day of what has been one of the hardest years of my adult life I've been reflecting back on what I've learnt and wanted to share a few insights based on my experience with xMM. I used to judge people who had affairs, and like many were very critical and damning of OW, I was so arrogantly CERTAIN I would never be one. Enter MM. Admittedly I did not know he was married and yes I ended it with him once I found out, although I feel a bit of a liar saying that as we did maintain contact for weeks afterward via phone so really it became an emotional affair. Particularly due to my pain over my pregnancy I emotionally allowed myself to be drawn back in numerous times, responding to his messages on what our baby would have been like and the type of parents we'd be - this was no doubt an emotional affair. I really do feel humbled by my experience, I've learnt not to judge and that life is not always as black and white/ right and wrong as we'd like it to be. I see so many great women here struggling with being in affairs. Not evil, broken, unattractive or worthless women but the very opposite. I've seen some BS here (Lady Designer I'm thinking particularly of you) who have such an incredible ability to feel empathy for women who represent someone who caused a great deal of pain and upheaval in their lives. This site has been a great place for learning and healing, I hope that all on here find some peace in the new year. Thanks winterkeep I am an xMOW too so I can understand this side of things even though I have been a BS more than an OW. Life is not easy we are all on this board to try to understand the situations we are in. Hoping 2016 brings you peace and happiness! Link to post Share on other sites
WestEndGirl Posted December 30, 2015 Share Posted December 30, 2015 I used to judge people who had affairs, and like many were very critical and damning of OW, I was so arrogantly CERTAIN I would never be one ... I really do feel humbled by my experience, I've learnt not to judge and that life is not always as black and white/ right and wrong as we'd like it to be. I see so many great women here struggling with being in affairs. Not evil, broken, unattractive or worthless women but the very opposite. I used to judge people that had affairs too, when I was younger. Now that I'm 40+, I don't know that many people whose lives haven't been affected by one. I've known OW, OM, MM, MW ... I've known of situations where a straight MW discovered that her H was cheating with another man, because he was trying to come out. Marriage can be a wonderful thing, but it's basically a contract. A piece of paper cannot dictate how you feel about another person. It can't make you love them, desire them, or make you want to spend the rest of your life with them. It's just not that powerful. Some MP have very complicated situations, where it's very difficult to leave a M without hurting their kids or their retirement. But we all still deserve love. I just think we need to remove the stigma surrounding As, and be more forthcoming about what M really means to a lot of people. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
purplesorrow Posted December 30, 2015 Share Posted December 30, 2015 I used to judge people that had affairs too, when I was younger. Now that I'm 40+, I don't know that many people whose lives haven't been affected by one. I've known OW, OM, MM, MW ... I've known of situations where a straight MW discovered that her H was cheating with another man, because he was trying to come out. Marriage can be a wonderful thing, but it's basically a contract. A piece of paper cannot dictate how you feel about another person. It can't make you love them, desire them, or make you want to spend the rest of your life with them. It's just not that powerful. Some MP have very complicated situations, where it's very difficult to leave a M without hurting their kids or their retirement. But we all still deserve love. I just think we need to remove the stigma surrounding As, and be more forthcoming about what M really means to a lot of people. It's not the stigma of affairs that's the problem. It's people choosing to be less than honest about their lives and who they really are. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
WestEndGirl Posted December 30, 2015 Share Posted December 30, 2015 It's not the stigma of affairs that's the problem. It's people choosing to be less than honest about their lives and who they really are. I completely agree. What's weird is that my career involves working around very wealthy people -- mostly over 50. They have their spouses, and they have their S.O.s. A lot of the time, the MP will have two separate households to accommodate their married life and their personal life. It's just no big deal. No one's in the dark. The S.O. is treated with just as much respect as the W/H. Maybe leading an authentic life is a function of being financially able to pull it off. I don't know. Love is love, and marriage is marriage. I wish the two were mutually exclusive, but if they aren't, people need to be completely honest about it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted December 30, 2015 Share Posted December 30, 2015 I used to judge people that had affairs too, when I was younger. Now that I'm 40+, I don't know that many people whose lives haven't been affected by one. I've known OW, OM, MM, MW ... I've known of situations where a straight MW discovered that her H was cheating with another man, because he was trying to come out. Marriage can be a wonderful thing, but it's basically a contract. A piece of paper cannot dictate how you feel about another person. It can't make you love them, desire them, or make you want to spend the rest of your life with them. It's just not that powerful. Some MP have very complicated situations, where it's very difficult to leave a M without hurting their kids or their retirement. But we all still deserve love. I just think we need to remove the stigma surrounding As, and be more forthcoming about what M really means to a lot of people. A very compassionate and insightful post. However, some people will not admit to themselves that their marriage is and hasn't been any more than a sham for many years. Poppy. Link to post Share on other sites
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