Sadness relapse

[moonwalker86]

Sort of a relapse, I've been up and down, but have been having better days than usual, but yesterday and today have been hell for me. She spent the last two days with someone else. I've not been coping well. Only my child has been keeping my head above the waters but it's been so damn hard. I am trying my best not to think of what she is doing. I hate this feeling so much.

[Chronotrgr]

I'm there myself matey, it was never easy to get through the day but the last few days have been more difficult than I can possibly cope with, I keep feeling overwhelmed with sadness and despair, it keeps hitting me that she's gone for good, it's not like I didn't know this but it's constantly taking my breath away, I've had my kid over Christmas and I feel bad for him because he hasn't seen his dad as the happy confident person that he usually is, he's seen a man sitting in silence looking as though he's going to crack up and start crying at any minute.

 

One of the hardest things to cope with is the feeling that most likely she left me for somebody else and is now spending her time with him, she's probably kept that part to herself to avoid hurting me but not knowing is probably more painful at this point.

[moonwalker86]

I'm there myself matey, it was never easy to get through the day but the last few days have been more difficult than I can possibly cope with, I keep feeling overwhelmed with sadness and despair, it keeps hitting me that she's gone for good, it's not like I didn't know this but it's constantly taking my breath away, I've had my kid over Christmas and I feel bad for him because he hasn't seen his dad as the happy confident person that he usually is, he's seen a man sitting in silence looking as though he's going to crack up and start crying at any minute.

 

One of the hardest things to cope with is the feeling that most likely she left me for somebody else and is now spending her time with him, she's probably kept that part to herself to avoid hurting me but not knowing is probably more painful at this point.

 

Yes I know exactly what you mean. It's like, you can be happy with your child, but there's a piece of you that can't experience the happiness. It's a bittersweet thing. I feel bad. I hate having to go to the washroom to cry, I know I look different after, my eyes have bags under them or something. But I can't cry in front of my kid.

[Chronotrgr]

Yes I know exactly what you mean. It's like, you can be happy with your child, but there's a piece of you that can't experience the happiness. It's a bittersweet thing. I feel bad. I hate having to go to the washroom to cry, I know I look different after, my eyes have bags under them or something. But I can't cry in front of my kid.

 

Yeah exactly that, I love seeing my kid, especially at Christmas because he looks forward to whatever I wind up getting him, but it's hard looking him in the eye, I thought after the breakup with his mum that would be it, that was as painful as it gets because we had a child together, but this ex puts that pain to shame at times with how I feel, even though we have no attachment's with each other like a child.

 

I lost count of the amount of times I had to remain out of sight to cry, and come back downstairs to him like I hadn't been crying, I felt so guilty because he was asking about her and he was asking about her kid (who he got very close to) I was devastated because one of my family members blurted out to another that we'd broken up so we wouldn't be seeing each other anymore and he overhead, he started crying after so many times of asking me, it was heart ache through the holiday's.

 

Even now I'm still pretty shell shocked sitting in silence, she bought me a game for Christmas, I haven't even touched it, it's not like I won't play it because she bought it me, it's more a case of can't find it in me to play it or watch TV or anything I would normally do in my down time.

[SixxChick]

Why does it have to hurt so much?

[Draper]

Why does it have to hurt so much?

 

It would sure be nice if there was some universal cure for a broken heart. I guess all that hurt is supposed to pay off when you finally find someone worth being with, but hell its a long hard road.

[Draper]

I've had kind of a relapse the last couple days after learning something I didn't want to know about my ex and the person she left me for. How do you guys deal with the whole someone else thing? I know I dodged a bullet in the end but I can't help but feel like I 'lost' and that I wasn't 'good' enough.

[Blanco]

It helps if your relationship with the person was heavily flawed. It's been a struggle for me to move on from the life that I knew for three years while simultaneously coping with the knowledge that she found someone else not long after we ended things.

 

However, I can usually bring myself back to reality when I focus on the fact that these two could have the most amazing relationship in the world and it wouldn't alter that she and I had an incredibly strained, complicated relationship.

[Draper]

It helps if your relationship with the person was heavily flawed. It's been a struggle for me to move on from the life that I knew for three years while simultaneously coping with the knowledge that she found someone else not long after we ended things.

 

However, I can usually bring myself back to reality when I focus on the fact that these two could have the most amazing relationship in the world and it wouldn't alter that she and I had an incredibly strained, complicated relationship.

 

Good point. I used to think that this breakup came out of nowhere and that our relationship was fine, but then I come to the realizatiom that I looked passed her cheating. She did the usual at the time, you know crying saying it was one mistake and never again blah blah. ~3 months later is when she left for him, so I guess I was just too naive to see how strained it was. Never again will I forgive a cheater and likewise I'll never not trust my gut feeling when it comes that stuff.

 

She's literally living with the guy since 2 months after we broke up so its hit me kinda hard lol.

[moonwalker86]

Why does it have to hurt so much?

 

Because I miss her, I miss the love we shared. I see it for what it is but it still hurts. Even though what she is doing is wrong since it's only been a month and a half since we separated and are still living together it still hurts. Because a piece of me thought that maybe something inside her would change her mind about it all. But she was in no rush to come back home. I'm getting a little more clearheaded now though. I need to shift my focus on myself and my son instead of on her which has been draining me. But it is so damn hard to let go. I wanted her to be the one I grew old with. It's hard to let go of that when it's what you thought for 8 years in my case.

[moonwalker86]

Yeah exactly that, I love seeing my kid, especially at Christmas because he looks forward to whatever I wind up getting him, but it's hard looking him in the eye, I thought after the breakup with his mum that would be it, that was as painful as it gets because we had a child together, but this ex puts that pain to shame at times with how I feel, even though we have no attachment's with each other like a child.

 

I lost count of the amount of times I had to remain out of sight to cry, and come back downstairs to him like I hadn't been crying, I felt so guilty because he was asking about her and he was asking about her kid (who he got very close to) I was devastated because one of my family members blurted out to another that we'd broken up so we wouldn't be seeing each other anymore and he overhead, he started crying after so many times of asking me, it was heart ache through the holiday's.

 

Even now I'm still pretty shell shocked sitting in silence, she bought me a game for Christmas, I haven't even touched it, it's not like I won't play it because she bought it me, it's more a case of can't find it in me to play it or watch TV or anything I would normally do in my down time.

 

That's really tough, it sucks so much to have your child get in the crossfire of a breakup, it's unavoidable and they did nothing to deserve it. I have found some comfort in praying, not sure if you're religious or not, I pray for the strength for my child, for him to be strong to endure it all.

 

It's all such an achingly slow process and they say time heals all wounds, I believe it, but the waiting sucks. It's easy to get trapped in your own mind, I know exactly what you feel. I don't even open my family photo folder anymore, it has thousands of pictures of us, I love the memories and wouldn't erase them because they belong to my child too. But I can't look at them.

 

You have to leave it in the universe hands, or gods hands, whatever you may believe. It's not in your power anymore. Whatever happens will happen. We will know the reasoning behind it in time, that's what I believe. There is something greater behind this madness. I don't know what, but I surrender my fear and my worry and my heart itself to the universe and to my higher power.

[moonwalker86]

I've had kind of a relapse the last couple days after learning something I didn't want to know about my ex and the person she left me for. How do you guys deal with the whole someone else thing? I know I dodged a bullet in the end but I can't help but feel like I 'lost' and that I wasn't 'good' enough.

 

Yea it does make you feel unworthy and cheated. My situation may not be the same as yours, after 8 years she found someone else, confided in them behind my back for who knows how long and tried to play our breakup on something else. But I found out. Yet still, there were only excuses.

 

It sucks big time, it makes it harder, but I believe it makes us that much stronger. It will. We may seem weak right now, but we are surviving. We don't want this to happen, but in the end, all of our suffering won't be in vain. We are being molded into stronger people. Whatever the future holds, we will be stronger people to face it.

 

I think we depended too much on our "other halves" to be happy. I realised that you must be happy alone as well. Even if you are with someone else, even if you find someone else in the future, you have to be happy without them as well as with them, or else you end up with the massive heartbreak we have.

 

We can't let who we are with define us ENTIRELY, I know I did that. I let her define everything, so when she decided to walk away I had NOTHING. Because my happiness depended on her 100%.

 

See where I'm getting? It sucks and there will be times where you are sentimental, it those times will hurt, but with each passing day, those times will hurt a little less.

[moonwalker86]

It helps if your relationship with the person was heavily flawed. It's been a struggle for me to move on from the life that I knew for three years while simultaneously coping with the knowledge that she found someone else not long after we ended things.

 

However, I can usually bring myself back to reality when I focus on the fact that these two could have the most amazing relationship in the world and it wouldn't alter that she and I had an incredibly strained, complicated relationship.

 

That's true, unfortunately there wasn't an enormous amount of conflict in my relationship. Just differences, things we couldn't change but not things that we couldn't work through. She just decided to give up. Cest la vie. It's out of my hands. As much as I want her to come back it's not my choice and I can't think that it is anymore. I've tried everything in the book, so now I let history write itself. Whatever happens will happen.

[Draper]

Yea it does make you feel unworthy and cheated. My situation may not be the same as yours, after 8 years she found someone else, confided in them behind my back for who knows how long and tried to play our breakup on something else. But I found out. Yet still, there were only excuses.

 

It sucks big time, it makes it harder, but I believe it makes us that much stronger. It will. We may seem weak right now, but we are surviving. We don't want this to happen, but in the end, all of our suffering won't be in vain. We are being molded into stronger people. Whatever the future holds, we will be stronger people to face it.

 

I think we depended too much on our "other halves" to be happy. I realised that you must be happy alone as well. Even if you are with someone else, even if you find someone else in the future, you have to be happy without them as well as with them, or else you end up with the massive heartbreak we have.

 

We can't let who we are with define us ENTIRELY, I know I did that. I let her define everything, so when she decided to walk away I had NOTHING. Because my happiness depended on her 100%.

 

See where I'm getting? It sucks and there will be times where you are sentimental, it those times will hurt, but with each passing day, those times will hurt a little less.

 

God, 8 years. I'm sorry brother.

 

I do agree though. Throughout this time, I've come to learn that I definitely have some codependant tendencies. I let her become everything to me and then when she left, I had nothing. My goal now while I'm trying to let go of her is to work on myself, become happy with myself and fix the insecurities that I suppose I've been ignoring all this time.

 

Finding out there was someone else and that she moved on so damn fast hurts, but maybe it's a better thing in the long run. It doesn't allow you to hold onto hope when something like that comes to light and it really shows you that these people who meant so much to us aren't the same people they once were, or perhaps they never were those people. Regardless, they're lives are no longer our concern and all we can do is repair the damage they left us with, hopefully improving in the process.

[moonwalker86]

God, 8 years. I'm sorry brother.

 

I do agree though. Throughout this time, I've come to learn that I definitely have some codependant tendencies. I let her become everything to me and then when she left, I had nothing. My goal now while I'm trying to let go of her is to work on myself, become happy with myself and fix the insecurities that I suppose I've been ignoring all this time.

 

Finding out there was someone else and that she moved on so damn fast hurts, but maybe it's a better thing in the long run. It doesn't allow you to hold onto hope when something like that comes to light and it really shows you that these people who meant so much to us aren't the same people they once were, or perhaps they never were those people. Regardless, they're lives are no longer our concern and all we can do is repair the damage they left us with, hopefully improving in the process.

 

Thank you. I agree. It's been tough trying to discover myself again, trying to find the person I was before all this. But it's happening slowly but surely.

I hope she realises one day that the person she has become is destroying everything around her. Even her relationship with her family. But perhaps this needs to happen in order to make her realise it all. But like you said, she's not in my hands anymore, I can only focus on myself and my child.

 

We all heal differently. I wish you all the best, I hope you all remain strong. I hope anyone reading this can find comfort after the pain.

Sunshine always follows the rain, always remember that.

[cupcakebunny]

Yea it does make you feel unworthy and cheated. My situation may not be the same as yours, after 8 years she found someone else, confided in them behind my back for who knows how long and tried to play our breakup on something else. But I found out. Yet still, there were only excuses.

 

It sucks big time, it makes it harder, but I believe it makes us that much stronger. It will. We may seem weak right now, but we are surviving. We don't want this to happen, but in the end, all of our suffering won't be in vain. We are being molded into stronger people. Whatever the future holds, we will be stronger people to face it.

 

I think we depended too much on our "other halves" to be happy. I realised that you must be happy alone as well. Even if you are with someone else, even if you find someone else in the future, you have to be happy without them as well as with them, or else you end up with the massive heartbreak we have.

 

We can't let who we are with define us ENTIRELY, I know I did that. I let her define everything, so when she decided to walk away I had NOTHING. Because my happiness depended on her 100%.

 

See where I'm getting? It sucks and there will be times where you are sentimental, it those times will hurt, but with each passing day, those times will hurt a little less.

 

 

They always do. It's rare that a relationship that goes on for so long is so toxic that people just walk away without caring. You spend that much time with someone they mark your life in a lot of ways; good and bad.

 

 

I had to leave my relationship, but it doesn't mean I don't miss the life we had sometimes and sometimes...even him.

 

 

But it always gets better. In the grand scheme of things, it'll be a memory that may be a little bittersweet, but nothing more.

[moonwalker86]

They always do. It's rare that a relationship that goes on for so long is so toxic that people just walk away without caring. You spend that much time with someone they mark your life in a lot of ways; good and bad.

 

 

I had to leave my relationship, but it doesn't mean I don't miss the life we had sometimes and sometimes...even him.

 

 

But it always gets better. In the grand scheme of things, it'll be a memory that may be a little bittersweet, but nothing more.

 

They certainly do. There will always be a place in my heart for her, and it's not by choice, it just is.

 

It must get better, there is no option, I can't let everything sink.

It sucks because I am learning to cope with it all, but my son will not have the same capacity to think about things the way an adult would.

 

If it took me this long to start letting go of the hopes I had for our family I don't know how long it will take him. I will try my best when the day comes to help him through it, to help him not hold onto those thought patterns. I'll have to cross that bridge when I get to it.

[SixxChick]

Finding out there was someone else and that she moved on so damn fast hurts, but maybe it's a better thing in the long run. It doesn't allow you to hold onto hope when something like that comes to light and it really shows you that these people who meant so much to us aren't the same people they once were, or perhaps they never were those people.

 

I tried to pretend that my ex was dead. But then I realized that he never really existed. I was just a supply source that he leeched off of when I tried so very hard to prop him back up in his family relationships and business affairs during his depression after his divorce from one of my law school colleagues. This quote pretty much sums it up for me:

 

"Some people can only 'love you' as much as they can use you. Their 'loyalty' stops when the benefits end."

 

Well, I had to pull the plug on the benefits for my own sake. Lots of luck to the next girl who gets caught up in the tangled manipulative web that he weaves. I should be thanking my lucky stars that it was only two years of my life that I sacrificed for a persona non grata. I learned a lot, but it still hurts.

 

Thanks for listening.

Edited December 31, 2015 by SixxChick

[Blanco]

That's true, unfortunately there wasn't an enormous amount of conflict in my relationship. Just differences, things we couldn't change but not things that we couldn't work through. She just decided to give up. Cest la vie. It's out of my hands. As much as I want her to come back it's not my choice and I can't think that it is anymore. I've tried everything in the book, so now I let history write itself. Whatever happens will happen.

 

Those are a lot tougher. I've had one relationship like that and it took me about two years to recover from. When I tried to do the whole "Think of all the things about her you didn't like" post-breakup practice, I had nothing. And not because I was idealizing her. I just had no gripes with her.

 

My most relationship was the opposite. I look at how I felt most of the time with her, my lists of what I did and didn't like about her, and I'm a bit sickened that I invested three years into her. But even that has been a long recovery, due mostly to the loss of seeing her children, who I cared for as my own.

[Draper]

Those are a lot tougher. I've had one relationship like that and it took me about two years to recover from. When I tried to do the whole "Think of all the things about her you didn't like" post-breakup practice, I had nothing. And not because I was idealizing her. I just had no gripes with her.

 

My most relationship was the opposite. I look at how I felt most of the time with her, my lists of what I did and didn't like about her, and I'm a bit sickened that I invested three years into her. But even that has been a long recovery, due mostly to the loss of seeing her children, who I cared for as my own.

 

Damn, two years :/

 

I'm just going to try to remember my relationship WAS flawed even if I thought the breakup came out of nowhere, and regardless of how much she said she loved me even days before it ended. The cheating and lying is a clear sign it wasn't healthy so I'm going to try to remember that, I sure as hell don't want to be here 2 years from in the same mind frame.

 

Honestly the more I look back the more issues with the relationship come clear, that I guess I was blind to until now. She was way more outgoing, always on social media with guys and texting and ****. I'm not into that I believe there's no reason to be texting other guys (with obvious exceptions) if your in a relationship although it seems like it's harder and harder to find a girl like that that these days. I guess I was more ready to 'settle' than she was, I just wanted focus on my relationship and be together. She wanted to party, live life I guess?

 

Anyways, it matters not.

[SixxChick]

... always on social media with guys and texting and ****.

 

Ugh ... that social media thing was one of the final straws for me. It got to the point where he was even taking his phone into the bathroom with him when he would stay at my place. I asked him about it and he said it was because he was texting his kids. Yeah, at 11:00 p.m. Whatever.

 

The very last time I saw him was when we met at a local club to see a band that we both got to know. I paid for the tickets, dinner and drinks (because he is always broke). When I went into the ladies room, I saw that he was bragging about it on FB and tagged three of the band members. No mention of me ... the girl that was holding his hand, dancing next to him, and made it all possible. I left him there that night and told him that it was time for me to go.

[Draper]

Ugh ... that social media thing was one of the final straws for me. It got to the point where he was even taking his phone into the bathroom with him when he would stay at my place. I asked him about it and he said it was because he was texting his kids. Yeah, at 11:00 p.m. Whatever.

 

The very last time I saw him was when we met at a local club to see a band that we both got to know. I paid for the tickets, dinner and drinks (because he is always broke). When I went into the ladies room, I saw that he was bragging about it on FB and tagged three of the band members. No mention of me ... the girl that was holding his hand, dancing next to him, and made it all possible. I left him there that night and told him that it was time for me to go.

 

Good on you for ending it, sounds like he was a piece of work. And yeah the social media crap is annoying beyond words.

[Blanco]

Damn, two years :/

 

I'm just going to try to remember my relationship WAS flawed even if I thought the breakup came out of nowhere, and regardless of how much she said she loved me even days before it ended. The cheating and lying is a clear sign it wasn't healthy so I'm going to try to remember that, I sure as hell don't want to be here 2 years from in the same mind frame.

 

Well, take comfort in knowing it took that long only because I made every mistake in the book:

 

- I didn't accept it when she tried to break up with me the first time.

 

- I kept thinking she would come around and change her mind, so I didn't move on.

 

- We had to work together for another five months after the breakup, so going NC was mostly out of the question.

 

- I only had periods of NC over two years. One lasted about five months, during which I made some progress. But I made the error of reconnecting with her and undoing all of my progress.

 

- I didn't delete her from FB, meaning I was constantly locked into her page and would get panicky any time she posted a picture of her out doing something (not even necessarily with a guy).

 

- She moved out of state after graduation, and I came very close to relocating to the area myself, thinking that, hey, how could we not get back together if we were in the same area? To be fair, we had talked about moving to this place while still together, so I had done some of the legwork already. But no way was she not the driving force for me almost moving.

 

- I didn't so much as go on a date this entire time. In fact, I was basically a god damn priest during this time. It wasn't until we had one final conversation where she reiterated we weren't getting back together that I finally felt a sense of peace with the matter. Within a month, I was casually seeing someone I had been getting to know for months. We wound up together for three years. Of course, that relationship was a whole new level of chaos and I'm still healing from that one nearly a year later.

 

Anyway, if I had just unplugged from her life entirely when I was able to (five months after BU), and avoided the above things, I would've gotten past it all a LOT sooner.

[moonwalker86]

Ugh ... that social media thing was one of the final straws for me. It got to the point where he was even taking his phone into the bathroom with him when he would stay at my place. I asked him about it and he said it was because he was texting his kids. Yeah, at 11:00 p.m. Whatever.

 

Sounds like what she was doing to me. It was going on for months, I was so naive! She'd use the washroom for like 30 minutes and always complained of her stomach hurting. I just gave her space you know to not make her feel embarassed. But obviously now she was chatting it up the whole time. I even told her to go see a doctor about the problem but there was always an excuse.

[moonwalker86]

Those are a lot tougher. I've had one relationship like that and it took me about two years to recover from. When I tried to do the whole "Think of all the things about her you didn't like" post-breakup practice, I had nothing. And not because I was idealizing her. I just had no gripes with her.

 

My most relationship was the opposite. I look at how I felt most of the time with her, my lists of what I did and didn't like about her, and I'm a bit sickened that I invested three years into her. But even that has been a long recovery, due mostly to the loss of seeing her children, who I cared for as my own.

 

It's funny because the flaws and things she did that I "didn't" like I accepted from her. But in hindsight now, things are seen differently. She's changed so much to me that it's gotten easier to let go.