pacific_vibrations Posted December 30, 2015 Share Posted December 30, 2015 hello all- i finally have had the strength to go full NC with my MM of the past year and a half. i tried it before once- he went ballistic when i told him i met a single man i was interested in pursuing and as a result, i blocked him from everything due to MM's behavior. however, my relationship with the new guy fizzled and it was hard to turn down MM, who was now promising me the world and swore a D was imminent if i'd give him another chance. he repeatedly told me how hard our breakup was for HIM like i hadn't been suffering beforehand. however, as usual, his actions did not match his words (money, kid, job, etc we've heard it all) and we fell back into our old cycle of making up/fighting about our situation and i broke down to him and he said let's not talk for a day and you figure out what you want. i breathed deep and in that day, blocked him from every possible outlet i had. i had my opportunity and i ran for my freedom. i accepted no matter what, we could not just be friends and he did not deserve to be my lover, as he was sharing his life with his wife (who knew about me and had so given up she even loaned him her nicer car to take me on dates with) and son (who knew his parents weren't affectionate but begged them not to split) while i sat at home, alone, wasting my best years on a man who would never truly sacrifice for me. i accepted this man, who i loved with all my heart, had put me in a terrible position of being the OW. and worse yet, if i had ever been with him, i wouldn't be able to trust him for a second due to his womanizing past. it's hard to accept that people are shades of grey but i realized that as many qualities as i did adore in him that he was just not good at relationships; not capable of being selfless with a partner. he's had trauma in his life but also has had the time and tools to change and did not. i began to see it as at true disability and it helps me manage my expectations and detach. he is 20 years older than me and on his third marriage.. he's lived and i need to live as well. it's been strange not having the false company of 1000 texts per day but letting go of all the anxiety and anger about letting someone else rule my life is gone. i have come out of this relationship stronger and more certain of what i deserve, despite the bouts of deeply lonely sadness. i feel so isolated and at times, ashamed. but grateful for the peace. every time i feel the obsessing start to spiral, i try to distract myself as best as i can. i pray it will be easier in time. this time, he did not barrage me with angry voicemails, flowers and emails. luckily, we live 300 miles away from each other and i cut out most of our mutual friends. in his own selfish brain, he's probably angry at me for deserting him but letting me go without a fight is probably the best thing he's ever done for me..and me choosing to stand up for what i deserve is the best possible thing i've done for me. i also don't feel so bad as a single woman in her 30s when i see how terrible many marriages are! thank you for taking the time to listen i hope all who want out of a bad situation can get there.. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
winterkeep Posted December 30, 2015 Share Posted December 30, 2015 Hi PV, I think you have made the right decision, it's easy for him to string you along and offer little when he has a safe place (his family) to land and you're all alone. From what you've said getting rid of him is the only way to really find that for yourself; it does not sound as though he is offering you any real commitment hence you won't get it until you find a man who can/will. You've held strong for a couple of weeks now, that's great! I have a feeling he will try to weasel his way back in though. I love your use of the term false company, I get exactly what you mean! Link to post Share on other sites
LimeBlue Posted December 30, 2015 Share Posted December 30, 2015 You are a better stronger person than me. I love my MM deeply and I do want a life with him forever. I don't know how to turn my back on that, nor how to forget how much I have actually LIVED life with him. It's the small random spontaneous moments that make this man everything I've ever wanted. But he cannot or will not take what he has in front of him. Then I read your post which sums it all up so nicely, and I feel like an idiot for continuing the hope. I wish I was as strong as you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author pacific_vibrations Posted December 30, 2015 Author Share Posted December 30, 2015 You are a better stronger person than me. I love my MM deeply and I do want a life with him forever. I don't know how to turn my back on that, nor how to forget how much I have actually LIVED life with him. It's the small random spontaneous moments that make this man everything I've ever wanted. But he cannot or will not take what he has in front of him. Then I read your post which sums it all up so nicely, and I feel like an idiot for continuing the hope. I wish I was as strong as you. limeblue- i appreciate your kind word and i sympathize. this man was no doubt, the love of my life. i have never loved someone so much and (at times) felt so loved and appreciated for who i was and we had some great times together. however, due to his own issues, he has caused me so much pain that made it a fairly easy decision because we'd fight as much as we loved. even if you don't fight with your MM, do you not have moments of incredible pain? does he know it? it is likely he cares about you, but simply cares about himself more. until you have met everyone on the planet, you can't say for sure you couldn't have as good of a relationship with someone who is available to you. acknowledge the good times but get real with yourself about the pain this man is causing you. trying to see the situation as black/white bad/good is what caused me to be weak in the past.. i have seen some posts on this forum that say all AP are liars/cheaters/terrible human beings, which makes it easy to defensively recoil and say "mine isn't! so i should stay!" but people are more complex than that, imo. my MM was wonderful in many ways but not relationships. he failed in the most important job i gave him- to make me feel happy and loved like i deserved. is that not grounds for a firing? i think so! good luck with finding a happier situation. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
LimeBlue Posted December 30, 2015 Share Posted December 30, 2015 even if you don't fight with your MM, do you not have moments of incredible pain? does he know it? it is likely he cares about you, but simply cares about himself more. until you have met everyone on the planet, you can't say for sure you couldn't have as good of a relationship with someone who is available to you. acknowledge the good times but get real with yourself about the pain this man is causing you. trying to see the situation as black/white bad/good is what caused me to be weak in the past.. i have seen some posts on this forum that say all AP are liars/cheaters/terrible human beings, which makes it easy to defensively recoil and say "mine isn't! so i should stay!" but people are more complex than that, imo. my MM was wonderful in many ways but not relationships. he failed in the most important job i gave him- to make me feel happy and loved like i deserved. is that not grounds for a firing? i think so! good luck with finding a happier situation. Yes he knows about the pain this causes me but I do wonder if he really sees it. He is far more concerned about the pain he is causing his wife but if he were that concerned then surely he would make a decision instead of keeping us both in limbo. When I tell him about the hurt it is as if he cannot comprehend what this does to me. However I'm not innocent either because I know I have caused him pain too. He makes me incredibly happy ,hence why this is so hard. I have left it to him now. He knows my stance, he knows I want a life with him, he knows how I feel. I cannot force him to want me. I also cannot change who I am to suit him (he has implied that I'm no better than his wife regarding a few things, and has questioned if he would be trading up or trading one for another). It's up to him now to take what he says he wants. Link to post Share on other sites
Author pacific_vibrations Posted December 31, 2015 Author Share Posted December 31, 2015 Last night I was feeling so strong when I composed the original post. Tonight I am in bed alone crying my eyes out. How could he have hurt me like this? Part of the process, I suppose. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Lovetoohard Posted December 31, 2015 Share Posted December 31, 2015 It's not him you miss, it's the idea of someone sending you all those texts and showering you with attention that you miss. That attention became addictive because it's sporadic. Like a drug addict, you want just another hit, even though you've come crashing down so many times. Have a good cry if you need to. It's part of the process and as more times goes by, these moments of overwhelming loneliness and pain will become less frequent. Stay strong. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
NewLeaf512 Posted December 31, 2015 Share Posted December 31, 2015 I never thought I would be the one saying this, but it does get easier even if it's at a glacial pace. Keep going. NL 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Maddieandtae Posted December 31, 2015 Share Posted December 31, 2015 Any person who refers to "trading up" in regards to another person should be left FAR behind. How insulting to you and his wife. I have a friend who was the other woman for 10 years and the things he said to her to protect himself are absolutely offensive. She also says he has good qualities but how can anyone say a person has good qualities and say such offensive things to another person? I think a person who does this looks for vulnerability in others and just says enough good things to get away with the rest of their crappy actions. Don't overthink this, you are on the right path to leaving this person in the dust! Focus on other aspects of this experience so that you don't make this same choice in a partner in the future:) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author pacific_vibrations Posted December 31, 2015 Author Share Posted December 31, 2015 thank you all- i had an urge to look at his instagram and saw that he had landed in paris and someone was else was taking photos of him, likely one of the women he hooks up with while he's out in europe on tour and it just killed me that he gets to go do that while i'm sitting alone suffering. then i was extra stupid and looked at his wife's IG and saw that she would post pics of him and their son and i just got so frustrated that she always forgives him for his constant cheating. he has no respect for anyone and no shame. it's disgusting. oddly enough, the guy i dated a few months ago and i started chatting and he indicated he still had a lot of interest in me and was being very sweet, which was appreciated, but things didn't work out for a reason and i'm not ready at all to think about giving it another shot, since i already rebounded one time. at least it's nice to have someone else to text and chat with to try to fill up the void. the new year could not come at a better time! i am so relieved that i went NC as i would not have been able to get through the holidays and his europe tour being in touch. i am grateful for a fresh start soon. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
LimeBlue Posted December 31, 2015 Share Posted December 31, 2015 Any person who refers to "trading up" in regards to another person should be left FAR behind. How insulting to you and his wife. I have a friend who was the other woman for 10 years and the things he said to her to protect himself are absolutely offensive. She also says he has good qualities but how can anyone say a person has good qualities and say such offensive things to another person? I think a person who does this looks for vulnerability in others and just says enough good things to get away with the rest of their crappy actions. Yeah "trading up" was the term he used. Made me feel real **** and second rate. He keeps asking me to please not disappear when I ask him if he wants this over. He also tells me that because we can't do certain things together that he doesn't think it would change if we were together - one example is dancing together, we battle to make it at the same time and he perceives this as "how it will always be even if we are together". His argument is he wants us to do things together, but because it doesn't happen now then it still won't happen even if we were a couple. Opinions on this? I'm not trying to justify, I'm trying to process this being over and talking helps. Link to post Share on other sites
winterkeep Posted January 1, 2016 Share Posted January 1, 2016 (edited) Opinions on this? I'm not trying to justify, I'm trying to process this being over and talking helps. LimeBlue he is giving you reasons for why you won't work, I think you need to pay very close attention to this. I too am pretty shocked at his trading up comments, any man that considers women commodities that get traded up depending on what they do/don't do for him is unlikely to ever be a decent partner. It sounds like he is trying to manipulate you into keeping your mouth shut if you're dissatisfied and to do more to please him by pitching you in a one sided competition against his wife. Edited January 1, 2016 by winterkeep fix autocorrect! Link to post Share on other sites
Author pacific_vibrations Posted January 2, 2016 Author Share Posted January 2, 2016 can't believe we are nearly at 3 weeks NC. i had some moments looking at photos where i teared up but things have been getting better for me. the guy i had dated in the past has expressed a lot of interest in trying again with me when i am ready. i am not ready for a relationship but happy to have some friendly contact and not feeling hopeless as i was. an issue i was having with NC was feeling like i dumped MM. it made me feel like i could take him back and thus questioned my decision. the truth is that he dumped ME, without actually doing so, when he chose to stay living with his W and sharing his life with her. and that i cannot change and must accept. nothing to question there. i think back to days when he hurt me so bad and i just wished so bad i could escape from the hell i was in... now every day is calm. i am liking my new normal. Link to post Share on other sites
lemondrop21 Posted January 3, 2016 Share Posted January 3, 2016 can't believe we are nearly at 3 weeks NC. i had some moments looking at photos where i teared up but things have been getting better for me. the guy i had dated in the past has expressed a lot of interest in trying again with me when i am ready. i am not ready for a relationship but happy to have some friendly contact and not feeling hopeless as i was. an issue i was having with NC was feeling like i dumped MM. it made me feel like i could take him back and thus questioned my decision. the truth is that he dumped ME, without actually doing so, when he chose to stay living with his W and sharing his life with her. and that i cannot change and must accept. nothing to question there. i think back to days when he hurt me so bad and i just wished so bad i could escape from the hell i was in... now every day is calm. i am liking my new normal. This is the best post I've read today. I love all of the above, in bold. You are absolutely right that he made his choice to stay with his wife, and since an affair did not meet your needs (and why should it?), this effectively ended the relationship. Very well said. I am so glad you are liking your new normal, too. The only part of your post I didn't like was the first sentence - put away those photos! Deleting would be best, but if you can't bring yourself to do that, make a special folder for them, spend your hour or so crying and transferring all of the photos to that folder, and then be done with it for awhile. Bonus points if you make a private email account ONLY for you and dump all the MM photos there so they are in no way integrated with the rest of your life. Once you feel ready at some point in the future, you can delete the whole account. Imagine how great that will feel. I'm looking forward to the day when I'm strong enough to do that with my account . Oh, and either unfriend him on Instagram, or take a hiatus from it for awhile. Never killed anyone to take a break from social media. Every time I do (which is frequently) I get multiple people telling me how much they admire me for it and wish they could take a break too, as though it's some kind of crack habit! Seriously, there are other, better ways of keeping in touch with those who are most important to you. Best of luck and keep up the NC and positive thoughts. I'm cheering you on. Link to post Share on other sites
oceansaway Posted January 3, 2016 Share Posted January 3, 2016 I'm right with you. 2 weeks NC. I have my anger moments and tears. Your not alone I keep telling myself he is NO prize. He's a cheating liar. I could never trust him. And even if his wife won't leave him...I can! She's know about us from day 1 and has done nothing. No wonder he cheats....she allows him. But I have far more confidence to walk away. Keep your head up and remember your not alone Link to post Share on other sites
Author pacific_vibrations Posted January 3, 2016 Author Share Posted January 3, 2016 I'm right with you. 2 weeks NC. I have my anger moments and tears. Your not alone I keep telling myself he is NO prize. He's a cheating liar. I could never trust him. And even if his wife won't leave him...I can! She's know about us from day 1 and has done nothing. No wonder he cheats....she allows him. But I have far more confidence to walk away. Keep your head up and remember your not alone yes, mine has been cheating on his wife (he left his 2nd wife for her)from day 1 so this was nothing new, i'm just the first one that he wanted to leave her for. i have no clue why she stays other than their son between the cheating and the drug addiction. not to mention he lives off her. he said she is afraid to be alone and single at 40+ with a kid. i feel for her BUT i am relieved i get to walk away easily. i would rather be alone than taken advantage of. i am sure he is as emotionally abusive to her as he was to me, if not worse. noone deserves such a terrible spouse. sometimes i keep myself from writing things about him here because he just sounds so ****ing terrible! but then i think.. YEP... HE IS THAT TERRIBLE!!! he is blocked in every possible way, btw. Facebook, instagram, whatsapp, email is set to send emails to trash and i pay extra for ATT to not even let his text and calls reach me. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
MidnightBlue1980 Posted January 4, 2016 Share Posted January 4, 2016 Hi there. I am also on day 12 of NC, although if you read my post, it's him ignoring me, which is really hard. What kills me is that I tried to end it 5 times and each time I gave in to his emails or texts because I loved him. When the shoe was on the other foot, he did not have any problems ignoring me. It does hurt still but not like two weeks ago when it was like I was dying inside. Agony. Good for you for blocking me. I defriended him a month ago and I am happy now. It was brutal torture to see him and his wife. I'm married so it's a lot harder for me but you are single. Go and live your life. It's a lot easier to forget and move on if you meet someone new. For me, I'm considering hypnosis to not have any feelings for him as I have to see him and I can't go meet someone new. You're not alone. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author pacific_vibrations Posted January 5, 2016 Author Share Posted January 5, 2016 Well, it's day 21. Today the man who I got back in touch with, who I had briefly dated, admitted to me today that he's actually been seeing someone the whole time he was flirting and attempting to rekindle things. I'm disgusted and told him as much, since he knew I was really down in the dumps and emotionally frazzled. I feel hopeless. I miss xMM terribly but am still tied to NC. I feel like all I ever do is try to give my heart with good intentions and receive nothing but lies and deceit. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Shadowburn Posted January 6, 2016 Share Posted January 6, 2016 Well, it's day 21. Today the man who I got back in touch with, who I had briefly dated, admitted to me today that he's actually been seeing someone the whole time he was flirting and attempting to rekindle things. I'm disgusted and told him as much, since he knew I was really down in the dumps and emotionally frazzled. I feel hopeless. I miss xMM terribly but am still tied to NC. I feel like all I ever do is try to give my heart with good intentions and receive nothing but lies and deceit. At least he honestly admitted it before you got reinvested with him again, he spared you more heartbreak. Stay strong. NC will start getting easier after 3-4 weeks. Link to post Share on other sites
lemondrop21 Posted January 6, 2016 Share Posted January 6, 2016 Well, it's day 21. Today the man who I got back in touch with, who I had briefly dated, admitted to me today that he's actually been seeing someone the whole time he was flirting and attempting to rekindle things. I'm disgusted and told him as much, since he knew I was really down in the dumps and emotionally frazzled. I feel hopeless. I miss xMM terribly but am still tied to NC. I feel like all I ever do is try to give my heart with good intentions and receive nothing but lies and deceit. Ugh, I'm so sorry to hear this. When it rains it pours, eh? It will get better... just think, it has to get better! Sending you best wishes and hugs. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts