Codependency Therapy

[pacific_vibrations]

just wondering if anyone else hear has been 'diagnosed' codependent by a therapist? i never realized it could apply to me until my therapist said i'd come in and just describe what MM was doing instead of putting myself first and living my life as my own.

 

maybe i craved the drama of the A, maybe i felt i didn't deserve someone unless i 'helped' a MM find a better life with me and be the answer to his problems.

 

i've started attending CoDA meetings and found them helpful and comforting, if only for the judgment-free company. it's been helpful for me finding the strength to go full NC and attempt to detach.

[Downtown]

just wondering if anyone else hear has been 'diagnosed' codependent by a therapist?

PV, my understanding is that a therapist can help you achieve a better balance in life, e.g., standing up for yourself more. A therapist cannot diagnose you as "codependent," however, because it is not considered to be a mental disorder. That is, being overly generous and out of balance in your behavior does not imply you have a disorder.

 

If you want to read about codependency, the most popular book on the subject is Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie. Her view is that "codependents" are controlling people who have a strong desire to control other people. My view, however, is that Beattie confuses the desire to be needed and to help with the desire to control.

 

This confusion largely arises because there is no definition of "codependency" that is generally accepted by the psychiatric community. Instead, there are many factions having differing views about it. Hence, there is no agreement that codependency even constitutes a disorder or dysfunctional behavior.

 

That's why it is not defined in the APA's Diagnostic Manual (DSM-5). Indeed, it is not even mentioned in the DSM-5. Nor is it defined in the diagnostic manual of the World Health Organization (ICD-10), i.e., the manual used throughout Europe and in many other countries.

 

Moreover, as long as most religions view self-sacrifice as the only clear path to heaven -- and nations heavily rely on the self-sacrifice of young adults during wartime -- there is little chance of excessive caregiving being included in the list of mental disorders.

 

Significantly, the members of the world's largest association devoted to codependency -- i.e., CoDA (Codependents Anonymous) -- have not agreed on how to define it. That's why CoDA provides no definition of it at their website. Instead, they simply provide a grocery list of over 70 traits that includes everything but the kitchen sink. Those traits are listed in CoDA's pamphlet called Patterns of Codependence.

 

Granted, that term is defined in the Merriam-Webster Dictionary. That definition, however, does not support Beatti's view of codependents as being very controlling people. On the contrary, Merriam-Webster says that codependents rely on others to control THEM. Specifically, it defines codependency to be:

a psychological condition or a relationship in which

a person is controlled or manipulated by another

who is affected with a pathological condition (as an addiction to alcohol or heroin);

broadly

:

dependence on the needs of or control by another

Similarly, my experience is that most folks who have lived with an abusive partner for many years are not controlling people. Rather, they are excessive caregivers who keep helping others even when it is to their great detriment to do so.

 

I therefore like the simple definition that codependency occurs when one's own happiness is overly dependent on the happiness of another person. And I like Shari Schreiber's definition of it as occurring when a person's desire to be needed (for what he can do) far exceeds his desire to be loved (for the person he already is). Yet, due to the contentiousness associated with this term, I generally try to avoid the controversy by instead using the term, "excessive caregiver."