Choices in Life.

[Naively.Sensitive]

When we marry someone, we choose that person, not because that person is perfect, but because we believe that certain needs of ours would be fulfilled by that marriage and certain vows could be taken for granted.

 

Fidelity is one such vow that we are allowed to take for granted, isn't it?

 

When infidelity happens, we can assume the cheating partner already considered the sacred vows and contract of marriage to be broken.

 

I often hear of people suggesting that the only way to try and make things work post-affair is to think of building a new relationship, from the ground up. Obviously one cannot erase the memory of the affair itself. Thats just impossible, unless we lived in a Science Fiction era where memory could be selectively erased.

 

My question is this:

If we truly ARE building a new relationship, how can one justify choosing to build one with a partner who cheated, when there is a choice to choose another partner who DID NOT cheat?

 

Isn't it natural to start comparing a partner who cheated to the choice of other partners out there?

For a conservatively minded and person who takes these vows seriously, fidelity is probably the most basic foundation on which to evaluate a choice of partners and when even that basic virtue is not met in a person, how does one justify (re)choosing one's partner in preference to other possible choices?

 

Sure, you can think of all the good times spent together with your partner, during the marriage, but along with that also comes the worst possible memory and trauma of the affair, that trumps and destroys all the good memories. Its impossible to be selective about our memories and thoughts, so how does one internally justify accepting "the least attractive" choice for a partner when other better choices do exist?

 

Here is a link to my experience of my wife who cheated on me (if its needed as a reference to my state of mind and perspective):

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/561922-dealing-wife-s-affair-14.html#post6712089

[fellini]

Well, no one can speak for anyone, but the vows, while taken and thought not to be broken I don't walk around with those vows everyday after a wedding. I walk around with the common sense knowledge that I should not cheat on my spouse, not because of the vows I took, far from it, but because of what that says about me as a person.

 

To answer your question, which is a bit loaded really, I can say this.

 

If you your newly remain with a cheater, it is because you believe in the possibility that this person is someone you can once again learn to trust. Otherwise, you probably wouldn't even try.

 

One perspective, to make a long story short, is that if your WS has grown and learned from being in an A and truly sees the error in her ways, then you are giving up someone LESS likely to cheat again, in exchange for a new partner with whom you know nothing about their capacity to control their boundaries. i.e. you are back where you started.

[purplesorrow]

To whom would you be justifying your choice to stay with your partner? If I had chosen to stay, it would simply have been because I wanted to. As hurtful as his affair was, it didn't dismiss good memories and shared time before. Those things will always be special to me. I think my ex will be a great partner for someone, I don't think he would cheat on anyone again. If you want to stay, it's your business. There is no guarantee the new person won't cheat.

[HereNorThere]

OP, you know too much.

 

You figured out that the whole "building a new relationship" thing is basically just a coping mechanism that people use to help themselves deal. You are absolutely right in the sense that most people wouldn't choose to date someone they know is dangerous. If you want to dig even deeper, I think you'll find that most people knew their partner had issues to begin with, but chose to look the other way and/or give them the benefit of the doubt. The personality profile of cheater starts to become glaringly obvious once you start reading other poster's backstories.

 

It's basically the same as a "born again virgin." We all know that you can't really ever get your virginity back, but some people have a hard time facing reality, so they grasp for straws looking for some way to move forward.

 

For some people, it's just easier to make up a new reality than it is to deal with their current one. Some people can do it and some people can't, but I think it's important to keep in mind that the same sort of justifications and rationalizations that go into it are the same that help cheaters cheat in the first place.

 

It is far better to grasp the universe as it really is than to persist in delusion, however satisfying and reassuring. - Carl Sagan

[Naively.Sensitive]

Well, no one can speak for anyone, but the vows, while taken and thought not to be broken I don't walk around with those vows everyday after a wedding. I walk around with the common sense knowledge that I should not cheat on my spouse, not because of the vows I took, far from it, but because of what that says about me as a person.

 

To answer your question, which is a bit loaded really, I can say this.

 

If you your newly remain with a cheater, it is because you believe in the possibility that this person is someone you can once again learn to trust. Otherwise, you probably wouldn't even try.

 

One perspective, to make a long story short, is that if your WS has grown and learned from being in an A and truly sees the error in her ways, then you are giving up someone LESS likely to cheat again, in exchange for a new partner with whom you know nothing about their capacity to control their boundaries. i.e. you are back where you started.

 

Yes, given that you can trust your that your partner will not cheat again (not necessarily because they have grown from the experience, but maybe because it has nearly destroyed a "stable" marriage scenario where they know that their spouse would never do the same thing they did), one may assume that they are probably less likely to cheat than someone new, unknown. However, there is also a school of thought that suggests that people don't radically change their emotional patterns and beliefs and that there is a non-zero possibility of a cheater cheating again. Nothing in life is guaranteed.

 

However, what I'm really asking is not about their value as a person. What I'm asking is the psychological self-justifications of choosing a fairly well known partner who cheated over someone not well known who did not cheat. I know it sounds crude, judgemental and seems to objectify people, but don't we compare possible partners anyway when we start a new relationship. How do we justify (to our mind and heart) choosing a partner who has caused us immense trauma, vs a partner who has not (yet or will never) caused us trauma.

 

Its a human condition to not want change, but when we are in so much pain, then its only natural to consider a change that may reduce or eliminate the pain.

 

Another important question I mean to ask is this:

Suppose we choose to stay with a wife who cheated on us and that wife builds back some trust so that we know she won't cheat again. Does that (assumingly victorious) feeling of being able to forgive and overcome her affair seem worth all the pain and suffering that one has to go through?

 

Does it seem like one was able to conquer one's mind to such a degree that it becomes a trophy of personal accomplishment for the rest of one's life? (Almost like feeling like a marathon runner who

[Marc878]

This mostly depends on you. Can you live with it longterm. It will never fully go away. It can dissipate.

 

The other thing is. There are no guarantees for the WS or someone new.

 

There are lifestyle changes that can help and guard against it but again no guarantees.

 

Change causes anxiety because it's unknown. Some stay in a bad situation because they are familiar with what they have. You have to weigh the pros and cons, then look deep within yourself at who you are, your capabilities, etc.

 

The key is what can you accept and live with.

[ladydesigner]

It is far better to grasp the universe as it really is than to persist in delusion, however satisfying and reassuring. - Carl Sagan

 

Absolutely! Love this quote!

 

so how does one internally justify accepting "the least attractive" choice for a partner when other better choices do exist?

 

I don't know I wrangle with this ALL THE TIME. Half the time I justify it because the kids are happy, they are happy daddy stayed and mom is still here and we really do get along for the most part. I still love him, probably always will. I justify it because the man I married is not the man who stands before me now and I wonder if he is still there somewhere deep down. I justify it because I don't want the kids to grow up in blended families like I did and the confusion for all us kids. I justify because there is no guarantee this won't happen to me again with someone new.

[TaraMaiden2]

"Cheating" is inherent in every human being, because, looking at the matter ENTIRELY biologically, it is human nature - as a mammal - to naturally have more than one sexual partner.

Monogamy and fidelity are not a natural programmed instincts; they are conditioned.

Leaving judgement aside, we are taught and imbued with the notion of total fidelity by social, religious and moral influences. It is something we are influenced to adhere to, by our peers, parents and teachers - in whatever guise they might appear.

 

There's nothing wrong with that at all.

One could argue that there's nothing right with it, either.

 

Therefore, it is important to understand that to be honest, any relationship is a gamble.

We may believe ourselves impervious to temptation, and incapable of cheating, and some people insisting this, would be honest and proven correct.

However, nobody ever, ever enters into a marriage, reciting their vows, thinking, deliberately "of course, I don't really mean this; I fully intend to cheat and look forward to the experience and I don't care whose feelings I hurt."

And many, many people who sincerely and devotedly promise their spouse "to cleave only unto him/her, for as long as you both shall live" do the opposite.

 

There are many reasons and excuses given for cheating; we've all read them all, here, on many many threads.

 

The bottom line is though, that people cheat - because they want to.

It's a choice, a decision, powered by the instinct to have sex with someone they're drawn to.

And human attraction is as varied and unpredictable as anything could be.

[fellini]

However, there is also a school of thought that suggests that people don't radically change their emotional patterns and beliefs and that there is a non-zero possibility of a cheater cheating again. Nothing in life is guaranteed.

 

Again, context is everything. Let's take a marriage, like mine, that went 15 plus years infidelity free.

 

Now if there is a school of thought that says that people don't radically change, then they have to be dead wrong don't they. Because after 15 years of being married to me, my wife radically changed and cheated. And she hadn't cheated in the 15 years prior to meeting me when she dated X number of men.

 

So how is it possible to not radically change, and suddenly cheat?

 

 

The answer is this. She didn't change. She entered into an affair, and got out of it. And she does not want to go there again. Did she radically change TWICE? I don't think so. So I don't buy the idea that cheating means becoming a cheater (something permanent). I believe it has nothing to do with the CHANGE you speak of, radical or otherwise.

 

And now that I have a wife that is more conscious than ever about the fully destructive effects (on her and me) of infidelity, and the journey into and out of a complete loss of dignity...

 

the last thing I am going to do is hand this woman over to another man and take my chances with another unknown.

 

And I cannot agree with your hypothetic equation about dumping a known and going for an unknown. I married a woman whom I believed was going to be the new woman in your hypothetical scenario.

 

I married a woman who would never cheat on me. And then she did. This scenario is going to be the scenario of any person you choose to share a life with. They haven't cheated on you until they do. There is no logic which will save you from the risk of being cheated on by anyone.

Edited December 30, 2015 by fellini

[Naively.Sensitive]

Again, context is everything. Let's take a marriage, like mine, that went 15 plus years infidelity free.

 

Now if there is a school of thought that says that people don't radically change, then they have to be dead wrong don't they. Because after 15 years of being married to me, my wife radically changed and cheated. And she hadn't cheated in the 15 years prior to meeting me when she dated X number of men.

 

So how is it possible to not radically change, and suddenly cheat?

 

 

The answer is this. She didn't change. She entered into an affair, and got out of it. And she does not want to go there again. Did she radically change TWICE? I don't think so. So I don't buy the idea that cheating means becoming a cheater (something permanent). I believe it has nothing to do with the CHANGE you speak of, radical or otherwise.

 

And now that I have a wife that is more conscious than ever about the fully destructive effects (on her and me) of infidelity, and the journey into and out of a complete loss of dignity...

 

the last thing I am going to do is hand this woman over to another man and take my chances with another unknown.

 

And I cannot agree with your hypothetic equation about dumping a known and going for an unknown. I married a woman whom I believed was going to be the new woman in your hypothetical scenario.

 

I married a woman who would never cheat on me. And then she did. This scenario is going to be the scenario of any person you choose to share a life with. They haven't cheated on you until they do. There is no logic which will save you from the risk of being cheated on by anyone.

 

Yes, I fundamentally agree with everything you are saying.

My question just related to the psychological path or "self convincing reasoning" behind (re)choosing my wife who already cheated vs. someone else who may not. Although very crude and brutal, the analogy still stands about holding an apple that already is slightly bad in your hand vs reaching out for a fresh apple in a bag. Psychologically, I feel like I am choosing to live with a woman who DID cheat on me. So, it feel like I'm willfully going to live the rest of my life with that "bad experience". I'm just trying to psychologically justify it to myself in someway, perhaps with something like, "But then, maybe I was compensated in some other way by feeling the victory and greatness out of forgiving such a huge sin" or something like, "But then my wife also opened up in a sexually inhibited way towards me, and the result is that we now enjoy passionate sex 3 times a week when we previously missed out on it.". I'm just to psychologically justify the affair to my mind (in as many ways as possible, so that I don't live with the feeling that God or the universe handed me a bad deal), thats all.

[ShatteredLady]

I went through these thoughts myself. Before d-day I truly believed that my husband was my FAMILY (I come from a VERY stable family) & we all know that family members have their annoying little traits. We all have faults but family is family & we love them unconditionally.

 

After d-day I was hit with this realization that he was just a man....he must be because he can leave whenever he wants! Of course that was always true, it never entered my mind. We've been together 26 years. All of our adult lives.

 

If he is 'Just a man' is he actually the best man for me?

 

I'd NEVER think 'My Dad has become old & boring. I'll go get myself a more fun Dad for a while!'.

 

If my H isn't my family why should I tolerate the worst agony of my life & carry-on putting-up with his annoying traits & faults when there could be a man out there who would love me truly, passionately & honestly....a man who deserves to be called family?

 

We're still together. I'm medicated & working on myself. He said last night "Why talk about all that stuff? It's behind us now isn't it?". Don't take advise from me I'm clueless!

[ladydesigner]

I went through these thoughts myself. Before d-day I truly believed that my husband was my FAMILY (I come from a VERY stable family) & we all know that family members have their annoying little traits. We all have faults but family is family & we love them unconditionally.

 

After d-day I was hit with this realization that he was just a man....he must be because he can leave whenever he wants! Of course that was always true, it never entered my mind. We've been together 26 years. All of our adult lives.

 

If he is 'Just a man' is he actually the best man for me?

 

I'd NEVER think 'My Dad has become old & boring. I'll go get myself a more fun Dad for a while!'.

 

If my H isn't my family why should I tolerate the worst agony of my life & carry-on putting-up with his annoying traits & faults when there could be a man out there who would love me truly, passionately & honestly....a man who deserves to be called family?

 

We're still together. I'm medicated & working on myself. He said last night "Why talk about all that stuff? It's behind us now isn't it?". Don't take advise from me I'm clueless!

 

Yes I felt like my WH was my protector. He was my best friend we did everything together had so much in common. He is still the best sex I have ever had. My WH accepted me and my past (I have been abused multiple times throughout my life sexually, psychologically, emotionally and physically). I NEVER thought he would hurt me the way he did. He hurt me just like my abusers did. It is very hard to reconcile with your abuser and I'm not talking about the A itself, but how I was treated during and after discovery.

[Naively.Sensitive]

Yes I felt like my WH was my protector. He was my best friend we did everything together had so much in common. He is still the best sex I have ever had. My WH accepted me and my past (I have been abused multiple times throughout my life sexually, psychologically, emotionally and physically). I NEVER thought he would hurt me the way he did. He hurt me just like my abusers did. It is very hard to reconcile with your abuser and I'm not talking about the A itself, but how I was treated during and after discovery.

 

I can relate to some things you mentioned. Its not only the affair that has damaged me so much, but also the bigger shock that she moved out of the bedroom 5 months ago and hardly supports me in the immense trauma, pain and suffering that SHE has caused! Thats like a double shock and a disbelief for me, because I never imagined she could be so cruel, even after doing something like she did. I often think of what it might be like when (and if I'm unlucky enough to live till) 80 years of age, when I'm walking with a stick. Would she abandon me even then, when she already abandoned me inspite of her being the cause of my suffering?

[ladydesigner]

I can relate to some things you mentioned. Its not only the affair that has damaged me so much, but also the bigger shock that she moved out of the bedroom 5 months ago and hardly supports me in the immense trauma, pain and suffering that SHE has caused! Thats like a double shock and a disbelief for me, because I never imagined she could be so cruel, even after doing something like she did. I often think of what it might be like when (and if I'm unlucky enough to live till) 80 years of age, when I'm walking with a stick. Would she abandon me even then, when she already abandoned me inspite of her being the cause of my suffering?

 

I wonder the same thing if my WH would bail on me if I got sick. I attempted suicide after discovering one of many broken NC's. I was hospitalized for a week. My WH took the A underground shortly after.

[fellini]

 

My question is this:

If we truly ARE building a new relationship, how can one justify choosing to build one with a partner who cheated, when there is a choice to choose another partner who DID NOT cheat?

 

So your latest answer suggests you aren't just making a choice between a person who cheated and one who has not. You are basically saying your post Dday experience is horrible. Now if you want to ask the question can you reconcile with someone who treats you like sh-t during reconciliation and one who does not, the answer is obvious.

 

But look at something in your question: "if we truly are building a new relationship"

 

But we are not. This is yet another one of those phrases that gets repeated here in LS that has very little reality. No one who reconciles with his/her WS is building a NEW relationship in the sense that it does NOT include the past. It's like the phrase, "that marriage is over".... but it's not is it. What it is we wish to recover are those things that led us to marry in the first place. Im not talking about absolute blind trust, Im talking about the relationship with another human being. It is the precisely the first 17 years of my marriage that is allowing me to consider reconciliation. Im not looking for a NEW relationship with a cheater, Im trying to make sure that we can move PAST the infidelity and rebuild trust for me, and a more solid set of boundaries for her. What do people think, they get to stay married to a NEW spouse?

 

My marriage was not the problem. My wife's affair was. We can do what we wish with the marriage, but we need to deal with the affair. It's not going to be a totally completely new arrangement in the least

[ShatteredLady]

My H had an affair 12 years ago. As others have said in this thread...it wasn't the adultery it was the cruelty that scared me the most. Just knowing YES! I AM 'that' kind of woman! I always believed 100% that I would NEVER tolerate being treated like that.

 

I was abused, horrible things. It was so out of character for him that I doubted his sanity. I would ask "Is it because your mother is terminally sick?" after an incidence of abuse. I just couldn't wrap my head around it.

 

Lots of rug sweeping & crying myself to sleep & fast forward 12 years.... It happens AGAIN!!!!

 

YOU DONT HAVE TO BE 80 YEARS OLD!!

 

I nearly died. Had emergency surgery. Septic internal organs. Lots of recovery. Some depression. Long story. It took LESS THAN 4 MONTHS for him to tell the OW to set-up a secret account for them to communicate!!

 

He even described our marriage as "My former magical life!" when he wrote about choosing to stay with his burden, cripple wife or dumping me & the kids to chase "Love, romance & adventure".

 

OMG! It sounds like I'm advising you to throw-in-the-towel. As I said earlier we're still together. He's back to 'normal'. I'm a mess! I'm a hapless romantic with 2 little children. We've stood by each other through so much. We grew-up together. So much life. So much history. So much love.

 

It just bloody HURTS so much doesn't it??

 

I wish I could just erase the last year!

We got past the first A because after a few months into R my brother committed suicide after his W cheated on him & my H was WONDERFUL. I don't know how I could of got through it without him.

Then exactly a year later his Mum died.

So much life! We had our babies. I could console myself that we were different people, FAMILY, PARENTS. Ugh!!

[fellini]

Although very crude and brutal, the analogy still stands about holding an apple that already is slightly bad in your hand vs reaching out for a fresh apple in a bag.

 

I suppose this depends on whether when we speak of a bad apple, we are talking about the whole apple, or whether we are talking about a bruised apple.

 

In the former, I'd say leave. But in the latter, maybe it's better to enjoy the parts of the apple that are not bruised, since you already know its bittersweet and delicious aspects, than to pull what LOOKS to be a great looking apple from an orchard you do not know anything about. Might that apple turn out to be in the process of developing worms? Maybe, maybe not.

 

But a marriage isn't eating an apple is it, because an apple doesn't have any say in what parts we eat, or when, or how, or WHY. When an apple falls from the tree, and I pick it up see the resultant bruises and choose to discard it, I am left with a problem. If I go looking for another apple that has not seen bruises and has only been eaten because it is perfect and sweet, what happens if I am the one who falls? You see, if I don't judge that bad apple, and continue to value it in spite of its imperfections, that apple might one day be the reason I am not sitting at the bottom of a tree with other rotten apples. Maybe working through my WW's affair will mean that for whatever reason I fall, any reason whatsoever, she will be there to care for our marriage as I did. This is, essentially, the most wonderful message of Greg Kinnear and Jennifer Connolly's "Stuck in Love".

 

So actually what you are really asking is if we should toss that apple on the ground with the other rotting apples in OUR LIVES and go out and see if there is, in fact, a better orchard with apples just as tasty as the one we spent our lifetime finding. We could do this. But how long before you realise that whenever you come across a bruised apple, you are just recycling it over and over again? An apple might not be bruised because it is a bad apple, it might be bruised because it is an apple. Discarding things we value each and every time they do not please us, or disturb us, or ask us to look again at it, is not going to solve the problem and essentially is getting nowhere yourself.

 

People who work in the wine making industry know that when one year's harvest of grapes is not worthy of a great full bodied wine, that the thing NOT TO DO is abandon the orchard and go looking for other grapes. They improvise, and adapt. They show patience and care and work on those things they can, knowing that next year might prove even better. They give the foundations - the very vines - another chance to produce a more robust grape. Because they know from experience what pleasure those vines have produced in the past. What they are capable of.

 

I raise a glass of a most excellent full bodied Priorat wine to you all, wishing you peace, growth, and happiness in the year that stands before us. Happy New Year.

Edited December 31, 2015 by fellini

[Cymbeline]

Fellini, I think I love you ?

[Naively.Sensitive]

My H had an affair 12 years ago. As others have said in this thread...it wasn't the adultery it was the cruelty that scared me the most. Just knowing YES! I AM 'that' kind of woman! I always believed 100% that I would NEVER tolerate being treated like that.

 

I was abused, horrible things. It was so out of character for him that I doubted his sanity. I would ask "Is it because your mother is terminally sick?" after an incidence of abuse. I just couldn't wrap my head around it.

 

Lots of rug sweeping & crying myself to sleep & fast forward 12 years.... It happens AGAIN!!!!

 

YOU DONT HAVE TO BE 80 YEARS OLD!!

 

I nearly died. Had emergency surgery. Septic internal organs. Lots of recovery. Some depression. Long story. It took LESS THAN 4 MONTHS for him to tell the OW to set-up a secret account for them to communicate!!

 

He even described our marriage as "My former magical life!" when he wrote about choosing to stay with his burden, cripple wife or dumping me & the kids to chase "Love, romance & adventure".

 

OMG! It sounds like I'm advising you to throw-in-the-towel. As I said earlier we're still together. He's back to 'normal'. I'm a mess! I'm a hapless romantic with 2 little children. We've stood by each other through so much. We grew-up together. So much life. So much history. So much love.

 

It just bloody HURTS so much doesn't it??

 

I wish I could just erase the last year!

We got past the first A because after a few months into R my brother committed suicide after his W cheated on him & my H was WONDERFUL. I don't know how I could of got through it without him.

Then exactly a year later his Mum died.

So much life! We had our babies. I could console myself that we were different people, FAMILY, PARENTS. Ugh!!

 

I'm very very sorry to hear your story. My situation is not even close to what you seem to have gone through. There is so much suffering in this world that it makes me shudder in disbelief. I have had strong suicidal thoughts in the past and continue to have some reoccurring suicidal thoughts, although I know I don't have the guts to act on them, because I might unsuccessfully try and land up just damaging my body. Sometimes I wish there was a painless way to die and that it would be more acceptable in society for individuals to make that choice.

 

It feels like I have seen enough of life and I'm not interested in the joys of life if I also have to accept the extreme pain and suffering. There is something else or someone else experiencing all this, through the conduit of my consciousness (a global lifeform? God?), and I don't necessarily want to be that conduit and experience that pain myself as a result of someone or something else wanting that experience. I did not choose to be born. I know these sound like very twisted thoughts, but these are the type of thoughts I suffer with, almost everyday. Before the affair, when life was "normal", I was a grateful, content and peaceful person, so I do recognize that the reason I feel these thoughts of suicide is because of the current situation (which I'm hoping will pass, one way or another, with time). I wish there was a way that always works in which to relieve the extreme pain when I feel it. I do certain things, like privately watch some porn and masterbate for some temporary relief, watch some comedy shows to try and laugh, call and speak to my mother to also comfort her (she is all alone), spend some time with my kids (who seem to be getting more spoilt by my wife). Life is so f*c*ing lonely in this country that I always feel that the walls are closing in on me.

[Naively.Sensitive]

I suppose this depends on whether when we speak of a bad apple, we are talking about the whole apple, or whether we are talking about a bruised apple.

 

In the former, I'd say leave. But in the latter, maybe it's better to enjoy the parts of the apple that are not bruised, since you already know its bittersweet and delicious aspects, than to pull what LOOKS to be a great looking apple from an orchard you do not know anything about. Might that apple turn out to be in the process of developing worms? Maybe, maybe not.

 

But a marriage isn't eating an apple is it, because an apple doesn't have any say in what parts we eat, or when, or how, or WHY. When an apple falls from the tree, and I pick it up see the resultant bruises and choose to discard it, I am left with a problem. If I go looking for another apple that has not seen bruises and has only been eaten because it is perfect and sweet, what happens if I am the one who falls? You see, if I don't judge that bad apple, and continue to value it in spite of its imperfections, that apple might one day be the reason I am not sitting at the bottom of a tree with other rotten apples. Maybe working through my WW's affair will mean that for whatever reason I fall, any reason whatsoever, she will be there to care for our marriage as I did. This is, essentially, the most wonderful message of Greg Kinnear and Jennifer Connolly's "Stuck in Love".

 

So actually what you are really asking is if we should toss that apple on the ground with the other rotting apples in OUR LIVES and go out and see if there is, in fact, a better orchard with apples just as tasty as the one we spent our lifetime finding. We could do this. But how long before you realise that whenever you come across a bruised apple, you are just recycling it over and over again? An apple might not be bruised because it is a bad apple, it might be bruised because it is an apple. Discarding things we value each and every time they do not please us, or disturb us, or ask us to look again at it, is not going to solve the problem and essentially is getting nowhere yourself.

 

People who work in the wine making industry know that when one year's harvest of grapes is not worthy of a great full bodied wine, that the thing NOT TO DO is abandon the orchard and go looking for other grapes. They improvise, and adapt. They show patience and care and work on those things they can, knowing that next year might prove even better. They give the foundations - the very vines - another chance to produce a more robust grape. Because they know from experience what pleasure those vines have produced in the past. What they are capable of.

 

I raise a glass of a most excellent full bodied Priorat wine to you all, wishing you peace, growth, and happiness in the year that stands before us. Happy New Year.

 

These are excellent words of wisdom and I thank you so much for them.

I don't consider my wife is a bad apple, just a bruised apple.

 

However, the challenge is that I cannot really change her (or improvise). Only she can change herself to be attractive to me, and maybe I can live with that nasty idea of the bruise (caused by her to me), if there is enough else about her that keeps me attracted. The bottom line is that she had an affair, and showed that she was capable of sexual inhibition with someone else, but is now not demonstrating that side of herself with me. She is forcing me to accept her bruised parts only and not letting me enjoy her sweet, loving, compassionate and sexy parts. How is that supposed to make me feel?

[fellini]

These are excellent words of wisdom and I thank you so much for them.

I don't consider my wife is a bad apple, just a bruised apple.

 

However, the challenge is that I cannot really change her (or improvise). Only she can change herself to be attractive to me, and maybe I can live with that nasty idea of the bruise (caused by her to me), if there is enough else about her that keeps me attracted. The bottom line is that she had an affair, and showed that she was capable of sexual inhibition with someone else, but is now not demonstrating that side of herself with me. She is forcing me to accept her bruised parts only and not letting me enjoy her sweet, loving, compassionate and sexy parts. How is that supposed to make me feel?

 

Im sorry. I haven't read you back story. You are correct, only she can change herself. Maybe she needs your help, maybe not.

 

Don't harvest the bad apples. Your back story is over. What will your story be for the next few months, years? This is all any of us have, really. Do what is right, do what is good. One day at a time.