My Husband Got Up And Left

[Wheremyheartis]

A little bit of background information:

 

I'm 27 years old and my husband is 31 years old. We met in 2005 when I was 17 and he 21 at a party. We saw each other on a "friendly" basis a few times before we started dating. In 2007 we moved into together. In 2009 when I was in my third year of university we got engaged and finally in March 2011 we got married.

 

Here we are now:

 

Six months ago my husband was laid off from his job. He had worked at this job since he finished university 7 years ago. He had earned two major promotions but then the company took a hit financially. In the year before he lost his job the company downsized and over 30% of the workforce was laid off. Since he was salary based, he started to work overtime with no pay. Eight months ago the company announced another layoff would occur in a few months, and that my husband would be one of the few that would be out of a job.

 

He managed to find a job before his official last day. He had to take a 30% pay cut. He started to become depressed. He was working at a job that carried a hefty workload and very limited health insurance for less pay. I had to take out my own health insurance and money has been tight. We had bought a two years earlier. We have been able to keep up with our mortgage and bills but we have no extra money to save for anything else.

 

The past few months had been really difficult. We had to put our dream of starting a family on hold. He started to become distant towards me. He would come straight home from work, watch tv and then go to bed. Our days had turned into "going to work, coming home, eating, doing our own thing and then sleep." We hadn't had sex in the past two months. Any attempt of intimacy I had to instigate.

 

A week ago, my husband told me he found a job in another city 9 hours away. The company was giving him until this Friday to decide. He said the pay was a bit more than what he was making before. He wouldn't start until February 1st so we would have time to sell the house and figure out somewhere else to live.

 

I told him that I needed time to think about it. I know in marriage you need to make sacrifices but what he's asking is a lot. Our family lives in this city, my friends, my job and my house. I don't know anyone in this other city. I know I could find another job easily and he always made the most of the both of us.

 

Two days ago I told him I didn't want to move. He called me selfish and accusing me of not loving him. I said that he wasn't thinking about my feelings at all. This escalated to a huge fight. We had never fought like this our entire relationship. In the end he slept on the couch.

 

All day yesterday we barely spoke when he got home from work until it was time for us to go to bed. He told me he had been thinking a lot and that he wants a divorce. This came out of nowhere. I was shocked. He said that we weren't on the same page in life and that it be best if we went our separated (have to be seperated for one year before you can divorce here) before he moved for his new job. He didn't say much more before going to sleep.

 

I called in sick today and have been crying non stop. I don't want this. I don't want to lose my husband. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. He is due home from work in two hours and I plan on talking to him about this but I don't know if I'll be able to handle it.

[Art_Critic]

I wouldn't bet the farm on this but something tells me he pulled the divorce out of thin air to WIN the FIGHT.

 

Do you think he is serious or is this his way of getting his way ?

[Wheremyheartis]

I don't know if he's serious or not. I didn't text him all day begging him to reconsider or anything. He hasn't tried to reach out to me in anyway either.

[central]

He needs something to live for to pull him out of his depression over the lost income and status. This new job is that lifeline. He may need to do this to survive and thrive - do you need to stay to accomplish the same? Is a long-term stressed and depressed husband worth staying where you are? Your feelings and needs certainly matter, and if moving would be depressing or too burdensome for you, then don't - especially if your job prospects will be poorer in the other location. But, it may cost you the marriage, and perhaps that is the right answer to this dilemma.

[lolablue17]

He's probably depressed, and has a very low self esteeme, has no hope, generally feels like ****

 

This new job brings back everything he has lost. Hope, self blief, and it probably means everything to him. Right now he is not in a place where he can contain your wishes and dreams. He is very concentrated in his growth.

 

He feels that if he has no job, it means he is not man enough. And if he isn't a man, how can he function in a relationship in the man's role? First he must get his manhood back and only then he can see everything else, including you.

 

I don't think you can fight that. Even if he regrets, he will always blame you for killing his dream and manhood.

 

It's a real big conflict. from your side, You don't want to lose everything you have here, including your independency, and he doesn't want to lose hope and a future as a man, which he feels he can get only 9 hours away from here.

 

 

It's tough, i'm so sorry for you.

[S2B]

It's a big question why he would choose a job/move over being married.

 

I would want to know what's so important that he prioritized that without knowing how you felt about that kind of change.

 

 

If staying married means he makes decisions without considering your feelings then maybe it's best to let him go knowing he's being really selfish and self centered.

 

 

Marriage is about trust, respect and compromises. Doesn't look like he's participating in a healthy way for the betterment of the marriage.

[Wheremyheartis]

I know it's been tough since he got laid off. I could get a job in that other city, that isn't the problem. Not to mention rent is more money there, I have no family to lean back on. Family is important to me. I love him but I know if I give in and move when I don't want too I'll resent him.

[66Charger]

And if he gives in and doesnt move, he will resent you. Him choosing work over marriage is no different than you choosing your family over marriage. This is a no win situation. One of you will be very unhappy and a seperation is likely. It isnt fair to either of you, but this is the curve life has thrown you. Plenty people move for work. You could decide to stay, get a rommate to cover the cost and let him go without divorcing. He will either return or you will leave. That may be your only chance. The compromise is to seperate without divorcing

[Wheremyheartis]

66charger: In Canada we'll have to be seperated for 1 year before being granted a divorce regardless. We own this house here. I can't afford it on my own so we'd have to sale.

[66Charger]

It's a big question why he would choose a job/move over being married.

 

I would want to know what's so important that he prioritized that without knowing how you felt about that kind of change.

 

 

If staying married means he makes decisions without considering your feelings then maybe it's best to let him go knowing he's being really selfish and self centered.

 

 

Marriage is about trust, respect and compromises. Doesn't look like he's participating in a healthy way for the betterment of the marriage.

 

I will bet he could have written this also. NOT A GENDER WAR ISSUE. Its financial versus family

Edited December 2, 2015 by 66Charger

[sandylee1]

I think your husband is being unfair. You have ties to the city you live in. If he throws in divorce because of this.... I'd have to wonder what else is going on with him. I think he's being selfish.

 

Why did he even start looking for a job in that city without telling you about it. That's where this went wrong.

 

There needs to be compromise in a marriage and if he thinks just because you won't follow him .....you don't love him. .. He's being unreasonable.

[Standard-Fare]

I feel like in a decent marriage (which it sounds like you two have had), no one's going to bring out the "I want a divorce" line out of thin air.

 

You have to assume he's been wrestling with this for a long time and that it played a role in both his depression issues and his impulse to move to a new city. His head was already in this space by the time he made the basic decision to look for/apply to this job.

 

What's unfair is that he's trying to frame this now as "You won't move for me, so I want a divorce." Don't let him get away with that. It's obviously so much more complex than that.

 

I wish you luck. It's tough.

[S2B]

What also seems disconnected is that he made up his mind and stated it as concrete.

 

Why isn't he willing to go to counseling and work on things with you as a couple?

[Wheremyheartis]

My husband and I had a conversation when he got home.

 

A few of you nailed how he was feeling. He told me he has been feeling unhappy. Not with our relationship but with himself. He said when we postponed having children he felt like he was losing everything. He blamed himself because he got laid off and a big chunk of our family income went with that.

 

I told him that I loved him regardless of how much money he made or what obstacles we have to deal with. I tried to reassure him that job loss is a part of life and that we would have to deal with these issues as they come up.

 

He did admit he didn't really want a divorce. He said that he thought it be easier to let me go, then for us to resent each other two to three years down the road. He said that it was only a matter of time before I didn't want to be with him because of his depression if something didn't change. I told him he needed to talk to a therapist because it wasn't healthy and I don't want to see him self-destruct.

 

We kind of left the conversation at that. He did say he has to get back to the company on weither he's going to take it or not. But all in all we did clear some things up and still have a lot more to talk about.

[66Charger]

Hopefully you both will reach a compromise that works. .

Have a good Holiday Season

Edited December 3, 2015 by 66Charger

[bluefeather]

Wheremyheartis, my heart goes out to you. So many times I read stories here where it seems one-sided to the extreme. But here, it just seems like you are both struggling with some really big issues, you in dealing with a huge move away from family and friends and your job, and him with trying to grasp at a chance to make a living and salvage his self-respect.

 

I am sorry that it got to the point where he brought up the idea of divorce. I think you are so sweet for being supportive of him despite that. If I was in his shoes I might be feeling really scared right now. And if you could help him out of this, somehow, after he's seen light at the end of it he would love you even more for it.

 

There's got to be some decent work out there for him that does not require moving that far away... I really hope it works out for the two of you.

[Wheremyheartis]

My husband turned down the job.

 

All this weekend has been tough. He's been moody, depressed and just down in the dumps. This morning I told him I made him an appointment with a therapist for Thursday because he couldn't keep living this way. He did say he would go.

 

I made him his favorite meal for supper, and gave him a massage before bed which has improved his mood a little.

[candie13]

OP, I usually think that compromise is the way out. If I were you, I'd have allowed him to take the job and get 6 or 9 months to find a new one. You can't just say to your husband "don't go" or else he'll see you as someone pulling him down as opposed to a reliable trustworthy and supportive partner.

 

There are always middle ways. Of course, his depression needs attending to, I agree.

 

I just... can't help not feeling like this was a war of egos and somehow you've won. Careful that this battle doesn't cost you the quality if your marriage.

[S2B]

What do you hope he will learn about himself in counseling?

 

What do you hope he changes about himself?

[66Charger]

OP, I usually think that compromise is the way out. If I were you, I'd have allowed him to take the job and get 6 or 9 months to find a new one. You can't just say to your husband "don't go" or else he'll see you as someone pulling him down as opposed to a reliable trustworthy and supportive partner.

 

There are always middle ways. Of course, his depression needs attending to, I agree.

 

I just... can't help not feeling like this was a war of egos and somehow you've won. Careful that this battle doesn't cost you the quality if your marriage.

 

I agree. You may have won the battle, but you will probally lose the war. He wanted the job, didnt take it and now he is unhappy, but you are happy. Of course he is depressed. He killed his shot at happiness. You made the appointment for therapy. Not him. There appears to be a lot of controlling going on here. You should be concerned about what he may learn about himself in therapy. It may not bode well for you.

There was no compromise. He folded. And now he has to go back to the job he hated. I know that feeling. Not looking good, OP. Resentment may soon follow.

 

Just my opinion, but good luck on this one.

Edited December 8, 2015 by 66Charger

[Popsicle]

I would move. But I like change.

[bluefeather]

I agree. You may have won the battle, but you will probally lose the war. He wanted the job, didnt take it and now he is unhappy, but you are happy. Of course he is depressed. He killed his shot at happiness. You made the appointment for therapy. Not him. There appears to be a lot of controlling going on here. You should be concerned about what he may learn about himself in therapy. It may not bode well for you.

There was no compromise. He folded. And now he has to go back to the job he hated. I know that feeling. Not looking good, OP. Resentment may soon follow.

 

Just my opinion, but good luck on this one.

 

While I agree that situations like that can and do happen, I don't think it's the case here. She just sounds like she's fighting for him.

[Mr. Lucky]

A week ago, my husband told me he found a job in another city 9 hours away. The company was giving him until this Friday to decide.

 

This would be the hardest part to accept. It's one thing if, as a team, you'd come up with "look for an out of town job" as a strategy to address the issues you've described. But for him to apply without telling you and give you a couple days to decide is selfish and manipulative.

 

Successful couples make big decisions together. Not the case here...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Wheremyheartis]

I agree. You may have won the battle, but you will probally lose the war. He wanted the job, didnt take it and now he is unhappy, but you are happy. Of course he is depressed. He killed his shot at happiness. You made the appointment for therapy. Not him. There appears to be a lot of controlling going on here. You should be concerned about what he may learn about himself in therapy. It may not bode well for you.

There was no compromise. He folded. And now he has to go back to the job he hated. I know that feeling. Not looking good, OP. Resentment may soon follow.

 

Just my opinion, but good luck on this one.

 

I can see how it looks like I'm controlling but its not like that truly.

 

He went to the therapy session earlier today. It wasn't a total success but not a total loss either. He said that he didn't like the therapist but wanted to try another one. He made the call for another therapist within our area for Tuesday.

 

As for the job, he turned it down because (his words) he didn't want to lose his family. We did have another heartfelt conversation after his failed therapy session today. He said that all he wanted was to find a better paying job, so all our plans come true. He wants to start a family so badly. I told him I'd start looking for a higher paying job, or a second job to help with the finances until something comes along for him.

[66Charger]

The qualities that your husband holds dear are worth fighting for. He wants to do well, build a foundation, start a family, feel good about himself. Not lay on the couch playing video games. I hope you see and appreciate this always. He is a good one and I wish you both well. I hope you can update later that he has found a good job," family" is coming, and life is good.

 

Happy Holidays