My Husband Got Up And Left

[Wheremyheartis]

Almost a month ago my husband of 4 years ( together 10 years) sprung on me he wanted a divorce. Instead of rehashing the whole story my story can be found here.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/560134-my-husband-wants-divorce

 

Anyway we had started to get to the bottom of the "issue" or I thought he did a total 180.

 

On Christmas Eve he started to act really strange. Normally on Christmas Eve we drive around looking at Christmas lights. It became kind of a tradition. This year he said he didn't feel good, so we stayed home. He ended up going to bed at 9pm. I thought maybe he really didn't feel good even though I suspected something was bothering him.

 

On Christmas morning he didn't wake up until 11am. We had plans to get up around 8 in the morning to get ready to go to his mom's house, but he said he wasn't feeling good. We ended up arriving there at close to 3pm. We only stayed 2 hours because we had plans to be at my mom's for supper. He acted a little peeved but I brushed it off. I love his family but we had this plan in advance.

 

The following morning on Boxing Day, everything changed. I woke up at 6am to my husband packing a suitcase. He said he was leaving and didn't know when he would be back. He left most of his belongings but packed some clothes, his ps4, and some personal hygiene products. I didn't argue because I thought he would only be gone for the day and be back.

 

The last four days I have been trying to call him, text him with no response. I checked our joint bank account. He made a 40.00 withdrawal on the 27th and , another 40.00 withdrawal yesterday. I have since transferred most of our money into my personal bank account leaving a little in there for him.

 

I had called his mother on the 27th looking for him, and most of his friends over the past few days and none of them had seen him. His sister said he was over at her house this morning for a few hours to pick up some things. She said he was acting fine and she was shocked when I told her what was going on. She told me she would call me if he showed up there again.

 

Here I am, not sure what to do. I thought we were finally dealing with things and planning on having a family. These were all things we both wanted. Now he is acting weird and I don't know what to do.

 

Should I just give him space? Should I call him at work? I don't like to call him at work unless it's an emergency. I just want to know where his head is at. I miss him and want to know what he is thinking.

[dreamingoftigers]

Honestly?

 

I suspect an affair.

 

The unexained absence and Christmas behaviour shows addiction or affair.

 

I went through this disappearing crap for years. Sorry to say.

[carhill]

 

Here I am, not sure what to do. I thought we were finally dealing with things and planning on having a family. These were all things we both wanted. Now he is acting weird and I don't know what to do.

My sympathies. It sucks to find such a pall cast over a traditionally joy-filled time of year with loved ones.

 

Should I just give him space?

I don't know about 'just', meaning this being a sole solution, but IMO it's a prudent one.

Should I call him at work? I don't like to call him at work unless it's an emergency.

If not hearing from him, yeah, not a bad idea to check with work

I just want to know where his head is at. I miss him and want to know what he is thinking.

Sharing that with you is his choice. It may or may not happen. For now, giving you're legally married, verifying that he's alive and working would be all I'd do, along with any measures to ensure continuation of the household in his absence. It appears you've done some of the financial steps already. If you can track his credit or debit cards, that may be helpful as well, since those transactions can affect the partnership.

 

IMO, it'll settle out. He'll be in touch. Make decisions at that point on the content of that contact plus what has transpired in the interim. If anyone asks his whereabouts, honestly you don't know other than what you've found so far. Deflect any questions about your situation you don't wish to discuss. Focus on other things.

[Wheremyheartis]

If you can track his credit or debit cards, that may be helpful as well, since those transactions can affect the partnership.

 

I have done this. Besides our joint account, we have a joint credit card (techically its mine, but he is a card holder) and each our own personal account. He got paid on the 18th. Since the 18th he transferred 150.00 to his personal account which he does on every payday, a sixty dollar withdrawal on the 20th, which I knew about and the two forty dollar withdrawls since he got up and left. He hasn't used the credit card.

Edited December 30, 2015 by Wheremyheartis

[Wheremyheartis]

If not hearing from him, yeah, not a bad idea to check with work

 

I called his work. He's there. We talked for a minute. I asked him how he was and why he hasn't been returning my calls. He told me he was fine, has been working and needed time to think and not to worry about him. No mention of when he'll be back, or anything. He seemed so detached.

 

I've decided to not contact him again. I don't want to beg him to come home or to want to be with me. This hurts so ****ing bad.

Edited December 30, 2015 by Wheremyheartis

[carhill]

Good, he's safe and you've safeguarded yourself in case he goes off the reservation and tries to defund the partnership. IMO, for now, let it be. Time reveals all truths.

[Wheremyheartis]

Good, he's safe and you've safeguarded yourself in case he goes off the reservation and tries to defund the partnership. IMO, for now, let it be. Time reveals all truths.

 

I only took enough to pay our mortgage payment. If his paycheck doesn't go into our joint account and he runs off I'm literally skrewed. He is the breadwinner essentially since he makes a lot more money then I do. He gets paid tomorrow instead of Friday because of the holiday.

[carhill]

Oh, something else I'd suggest would be an examination of any documents pertinent to the marriage, like your mortgage, insurance policies and health insurance if you are covered through his work. Think of it as a New Year's checkup on the status of your partnership.

 

One example of an issue to work would be if you are covered for medical through his work, could he cancel you and, if so, how would that impact you? I'm not saying he would do that, or any other negative item, but IMO they bear scrutiny when the partnership is strained. That way, no surprises.

[Wheremyheartis]

Oh, something else I'd suggest would be an examination of any documents pertinent to the marriage, like your mortgage, insurance policies and health insurance if you are covered through his work. Think of it as a New Year's checkup on the status of your partnership.

 

One example of an issue to work would be if you are covered for medical through his work, could he cancel you and, if so, how would that impact you? I'm not saying he would do that, or any other negative item, but IMO they bear scrutiny when the partnership is strained. That way, no surprises.

 

I'll for sure check into documents. A few days after he told me he wanted a divorce, (earlier in the month) I checked our life insurance policies and he changed nothing there. As for health insurance, after he got this new job I got my own health insurance since what they offered was not that great so there is nothing wrong there. The mortgage is joint and we need each other permission to sell, change terms, etc. Is there anything else I should do? I don't want to agitate him but at the same time want to protect our assets and my best interests.

[Jacob_Duluoz]

From the sounds of it, maybe he took a job elsewhere and thought it easier to just take flight.

[Wheremyheartis]

From the sounds of it, maybe he took a job elsewhere and thought it easier to just take flight.

 

I called him at his job and he's there. And he also left most of his belongings including his motorcycle, and expensive stereo system. I doubt he'd leave all his valuables behind.

Edited December 30, 2015 by Wheremyheartis

[carhill]

That he's at his historical job and took your call are, IMO, a positive sign, meaning there are avenues of communication open, even if limited, and he's still maintaining his historical patterns away from the marriage, like with work. Given the time of year, watch out for inquiries from any of his close male friends who may call you if they can't reach him. Same with dearth of such inquiries, meaning he's maintaining his social contacts. It's all information.

 

Do you want to recover the marriage? I understand that your husband's perspective is, currently, he wants a divorce.

 

Given the job upset thing and him apparently being breadwinner, beware of the impoverishment strategy as a divorce planning trick. Heh, I'm a guy and have seen all the tricks and done a few. When the chips are down, we look out for number one. Watch out for signs of that and have a plan ready to deal with it.

[Wheremyheartis]

 

Do you want to recover the marriage? I understand that your husband's perspective is, currently, he wants a divorce.

 

 

This was suppose to be a separate thread but somehow got combined with my first thread. On the first of this month he said he wanted a divorce. He was laid off six months prior to this and had to take a lower paying job. He found a job in another city which he ultimately didn't take because I didn't want to move. He has been depressed.

 

He told me then he didn't actually want a divorce but was scared I wouldn't want him anymore after awhile because of his depression. He agreed to start to see a therapist. WE had wanted to have children but he thought because he had to take a lower paying job we had to put having children on hold.

 

About a week before he took off we discussed and agreed to just go and start for a baby. I figured there will never be a great time to start and this was where some of his depression stemmed from. (obviously I have put a stop to trying to concieve at this time)

 

I want to save my marriage, and up until 4 (or 6) days ago my husband seemed to be all in. I want to ask him right out if he even wants to be with me anymore.

Edited December 30, 2015 by Wheremyheartis

[carhill]

Thanks for the clarification. We tend to like to work each member's particular issue in one place so all the aspects are clear. My apologies for missing that.

 

Regarding recovery, OK, you are still firmly in the recovery camp and your H recently apparently changed his mind around the time he left.

 

What I'd suggest, since we can't read minds, even our spouses minds, is watch actions. Right now, are his words and actions consistent? Reflect on that. He said he was going to leave. He left. He wanted space, he apparently said. He's stayed largely out of contact but did respond to your contact. He's, so far, been modest in his personal financial support allocations. So far, at least from my read, nothing outrageous.

 

From your actions it sounds like you've ensured your safety and are open to further communication.

 

Looking at early posts in this thread, would you say this behavior style is consistent for him? Any red flags? Since you've been together for a long time, ten years from my read, at least meeting ten years ago, you should have a good sense of his habits. You're both young so these years are some of the most potentially volatile. Any signs of that in the past? Or, pretty steady?

 

I'd keep the MC (therapy) idea on the table. Regardless of outcome, recovery or divorce, therapy can assist in the processes.

[VeveCakes]

This is why you never plan to have a baby unless your relationship is solid.

 

I'm sorry OP, I hope you can get some clarity soon. He must be staying somewhere if he brought his Playstation.

 

Please don't have a baby with this man any time soon.

[Wheremyheartis]

 

Looking at early posts in this thread, would you say this behavior style is consistent for him? Any red flags? Since you've been together for a long time, ten years from my read, at least meeting ten years ago, you should have a good sense of his habits. You're both young so these years are some of the most potentially volatile. Any signs of that in the past? Or, pretty steady?

 

I'd keep the MC (therapy) idea on the table. Regardless of outcome, recovery or divorce, therapy can assist in the processes.

 

For as long as I have known him he has had a hard time dealing with personal stress. He can be in a work environment and handle stress well, but when he is with his family, friends and even me he doesn't like conflict. I would consider him conflict avoidance persay. He will sit and talk through the problems but he just rather not.

 

There was a few times in our relationship when he was under great stress, he would go stay at a friends house for the day to have time to think and destres. He would always answer my texts and phone calls though. The fact that he is not home after 4 days and limited contact has me worried.

[Wheremyheartis]

This is why you never plan to have a baby unless your relationship is solid.

 

I'm sorry OP, I hope you can get some clarity soon. He must be staying somewhere if he brought his Playstation.

 

Please don't have a baby with this man any time soon.

 

I have decided to put that on hold indefinitely. I'll be going back on the pill immediately. I'm thinking he may be at one of his friends house. I called some of his closer friends and none of them have seen him. I know its possible that he's there and having his friends say he isn't. I don't want to seem like I'm stalking him but I'm tempted to drive past his friend's houses just to see if he's at any of them. He's at work right now so I know where he is atleast for the time being.

[Mr. Lucky]

I called some of his closer friends and none of them have seen him. I know its possible that he's there and having his friends say he isn't. I don't want to seem like I'm stalking him but I'm tempted to drive past his friend's houses just to see if he's at any of them. He's at work right now so I know where he is at least for the time being.

 

You've been given good advice, I'd quit playing detective and just lay low. The ball is in his court, he'll either contact you - or he won't. Either way will bring it's own answer to the status of your marriage and, having already reached out to him, you've done what you can.

 

I want to ask him right out if he even wants to be with me anymore.

 

Unfortunately, he's already answered that question. If he wants to elaborate, he knows how to reach you. Sorry you're going through this during the holidays...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Gunny376]

Dump him, excuses aside ~ dump him ~ and leave it up to him to go to counseling, find a therapist, and figure things out ~ to "find himself" He needs to man-up, and get his head out his azz.

 

Got laid off ~ got fired? Took a pay cut? Any and all of these things happen in life, all of these and many and much more! In short? You ain't seen nothing YET!

 

Life is HARD, its even HARDER when your STUPID! And giving up a loving, devoted, caring, committed woman (Which BTW isn't so easy to come by and find!) is the epitome of STUPID!

 

Speaking from a strictly military point of view, (being a retired Untied States Marine Gunnery Sergeant) it tactically STUPID (AND BEYOND) for one to abandon one's primary base of operations, and secure zone. (i.e. your current location ~ i.e. "HOME" where your "Friendlies" (i.e. Long term friends and family).

 

A bird in hand is worth two in the bush. He takes another job with higher pay, benefits, insurance, pay, yada~yada. Everything looks really good on paper, and up-front. He takes the job, moves away from his base of operations,.................

 

Bam! A year or two later? The company he's with takes a hit, begins laying off, and his happy ass is back where he was two years ago, EXCEPT now, his ass is out hanging in the wind, without his support ~ backup plan in place.

 

I took a HUGH hit in the side of the ego, when I retired from the Marine Corps, and ate some seriously "Humble Pie" to take a Temp job at $8 an hour. Then I got hired on full time with the company I was a temp with, them moved up to QC, and then moved up to another position, and then moved up to management with in less than three years. I circumvented the nepotism of the system, simply because of my experience, education, skill set, yada~yada ad museum.

 

If your going to be married, your going to need someone who's going to prioritize you, yours (your children) your wants, your needs, understand you, your fears, your doubts, your limitations, your short-comings, someone who's got your back, and come what may ~ is going to prioritize you, and yours (Children) before their own wants and needs.

[Wheremyheartis]

He came home last night, for a few hours. He finally told me that he ended up taking the job in the other city and didn't tell me. He said that he needed to get out of the rut he was in. He said he knew this would hurt me and thought he could hold it together until after the holidays to tell me. But come Christmas time the guilt got to him. I asked him if he wanted to be together and he said he wasn't sure. He left shortly after.

 

He text me this morning saying he was coming home after work (his current) job to talk about things. He's suppose to take this new job starting February 1st. It looks like I might have to sell my house, and look towards a legal separation within the next month (one year separation required by Canada law) before a legal divorce.

 

I feel like my whole world is falling apart. I have called in sick to work and have been sitting here all night crying.

[Mr. Lucky]

Sorry to hear but at least you have some clarity, not stuck in limbo wondering what your spouse will do. Stay busy with family and friends over the New Year and keep posting...

 

Mr. Lucky

[66Charger]

Your husband handled this extremely poorly, however I am not surprised that this happened. He chose his happiness over yours and before anyone can say that is wrong, that is what you did. The problem is the lie.

 

I really felt you two could have worked this out with a temporary living situation, however the dishonesty is not good. Whatever you two talk about, if you decide to try to move forward, this needs to be addressed first. If you are going to be living apart and try to maintain a marriage, honesty must be never be compromised. He may not owe you years of his unhappiness, but he does owe you the truth.

 

Wishing you well.

[carhill]

Thanks for the update, my sympathies and my best advice at this point is to take each day as it comes and guard against trying to digest a whole future, or many possible futures, in one fell swoop.

 

One tip I learned from our MC, mainly for caregiving but it applied to ending a marriage as well, was to focus on one success for the day, even a small success, and make that the basis for a successful day. Yeah, other stuff could go horribly, and sometimes did, but psychologically focusing on the success garnered energy and confidence to approach, adapt to and overcome the rest. I happened to be caregiving while divorcing and our divorce was final a couple months after my patient (parent) died. It was a very stressful time. You'll get through it, whatever happens. Best wishes!

[turnera]

Some men simply can't love themselves if they aren't thriving in their career. There's a reason for the saying about a man getting his worth from his career; some really DO. And when they lose it, when they have to take a downgrade, they take it personally. As though, if only THEY were better, or a better person, or deserving, they wouldn't have lost the job.

 

IIWY, I would go to him and tell him you've started packing and you'll be ready to move in two weeks. You married him for better or worse. The first time he had an opportunity to fix his career, you balked and fought.

 

This is when you get to show him that you meant your vows. You can always move back to your hometown in the future. Right now, your place is wherever your husband needs to go to get a decent job.

[VeveCakes]

Sorry this has happened to you. Sending hugs.