My Husband Got Up And Left

[turnera]

Better days are ahead...

[Apparition]

I wish I had found this thread sooner.

 

I am so sorry for everything you are going through and I am in awe of your strength. I hope you continue to maintain a strong resolve and focus on you and your needs. After reading your whole thread I was surprised you stuck around as long as you did and that speaks volume on the person you are. You were loving, appreciative, supportive and desperate to save your marriage.

 

It is sad it had to come to this but it looks like you were hurt enough and put him before yourself and everything else to make your marriage work and it didn't work out, not because of you, but because of the lack of effort your Husband made. I hope this experience gives your Husband the kick up his bottom he needs. He should take this opportunity to get counseling and change his life around as well as fighting for you in the right way.

 

Keep your chin up!

[Wheremyheartis]

I took the plunge and found a one bedroom condo that I love. I made an offer and got it. I move in the first week of April. Sure it isn't the big house my husband and I shared but it is still very nice. I also started to look for a second job, not because I really need it but more because I think it'll help me emotionally detach from my husband.

 

I'm doing pretty good keeping contact with him limited. We talked briefly about a few loose ends we had to finish, but nothing more. I still find myself stalking his social media. He hasn't posted as much as he usually does. He is mostly posting things about video games and pictures of him going out with his friends. I don't believe he is happy. He finally changed his relationship status from complicated to single. I think that really kind of finalized things for us. I cried for a good hour afterwards, because the 16th would have been our fifth year anniversary and realizing we aren't celebrating it really hurts.

Edited March 12, 2016 by Wheremyheartis

[SunnyWeather]

wow, your story is really intense, and all happening in such a short period of time.

 

I will suggest that you unfriend him from all social media-and consider doing the same with mutual friends for a while- it doesn't do you any good to keep tabs on what he's doing. In the long run, it will help you to really move on.

 

good luck

[Zapbasket]

OP, I am blown away with how level you have managed to be, how quick-thinking, grounded, realistic, and honest. If I were in your shoes, I would be a bonafide mess.

 

Has anyone in his family tried to talk to you about what happened? Did he end up starting the new job or are you guys still living in the same town? Has he offered any explanation for pulling that trick on you with the apartment? I know it doesn't matter anymore and you are moving on, but the whole thing is just so...bizarre.

 

You are very strong and I admire you for your courage and your clear decision-making. I wish you all the best.

[Wheremyheartis]

To this day I don't know why he did what he did. I really think the job in the other city never actually exists. I'm trying to find out what his purpose was. What he was hoping to achieve. As far as I know he is working at his same job in town. I talked to his parents a few times. We all agree he needs some serious help and I really hope he gets it. I've known him for almost 11 years and this past year has been really out of character for him.

 

As for those who think I'm handling this well, I'm surviving. On the outside, I try and smile, acting like everything is okay. But inside I'm truly dying. I miss him so much. I listen to a song, and I think of him. I went to the grocery store yesterday, and without even thinking started to put his favorite foods into the cart. I think it will only take time until my heart heals. His parents only live 10 minutes away from my new place. I'm bound to run into him which is something I'm going to have to accept.

[Zapbasket]

To this day I don't know why he did what he did. I really think the job in the other city never actually exists. I'm trying to find out what his purpose was. What he was hoping to achieve. As far as I know he is working at his same job in town. I talked to his parents a few times. We all agree he needs some serious help and I really hope he gets it. I've known him for almost 11 years and this past year has been really out of character for him.

 

Given the seeming bizarre-ness of the whole thing, it certainly seems plausible that he made up the job in the other city. If he's working the same job, did he lie about being laid off or are his days numbered there?

 

I hope he is getting help. And you, too, as this is difficult stuff to cope with even with the support of your family. I just can't imagine....

 

As for those who think I'm handling this well, I'm surviving. On the outside, I try and smile, acting like everything is okay. But inside I'm truly dying. I miss him so much. I listen to a song, and I think of him. I went to the grocery store yesterday, and without even thinking started to put his favorite foods into the cart. I think it will only take time until my heart heals. His parents only live 10 minutes away from my new place. I'm bound to run into him which is something I'm going to have to accept.

 

I'm so sorry for your pain. I can say that conflict-avoidant people live in a different reality than the rest of us, and it's nearly impossible to understand their motivations. Particularly so, since often even they don't understand them as they usually only have a very superficial awareness of their emotions.

 

You have been through a lot in a short amount of time; I hope you stay kind to yourself through it all.

[dreamingoftigers]

Yeah, I thought there was some really freaky conflict-avoidance going on there.

 

I was sad when I read the thread and you decided to move with him after he basically held you hostage to it.

 

I'm actually glad he sealed his own fate because otherwise it could have been a whole lifetime of getting jerked around by his "plans."

[SoleMate]

Wishing you better and brighter days ahead, OP. I'm very sorry for your losses.

[Wheremyheartis]

My husband did get layed off from his first job. I saw the layoff notice and everything. He took on this new job (the one I think he is at currently) with a 30% paycut and he hadn't been the same since. I'm thinking he is suffering severe depression, some anxiety issues. I'm not sure what is up with the job currently, maybe his days are numbered. He is a very smart man, with some deep rooted issues.

[sandylee1]

I just caught up with your thread since I posted last year..... I'm astounded with what he did about the house.... OMG ... letting you fly down there when he'd backed out. Unbelievable!

 

I would have acted just like you.. Divorce and no messing around.

 

Whether it's cruelty or mental illness..only he knows. What's for certain is you don't need that in your life. Imagine that crap when you have kids with someone.

 

You're strong and decisive.... I hope things go well for you. You deserve to be happy.

[MJJean]

If you want my opinion, I think his end game was a divorce. I think he behaved the way he did, so..heinously, because he wanted a divorce and did not want to be the one to say it and then do it. I think he basically cooked up his elaborate scheme to force you to file.

[Zapbasket]

If you want my opinion, I think his end game was a divorce. I think he behaved the way he did, so..heinously, because he wanted a divorce and did not want to be the one to say it and then do it. I think he basically cooked up his elaborate scheme to force you to file.

 

If that's the case, then that is so messed up, it STILL makes no sense. I don't think any sane, healthy individual could relate to going about things this way. It shows such a level of cowardice, self-centeredness, manipulativeness--I don't see how anyone could ever trust a person capable of such a thing. Seriously f*cked up. I don't even think it's an understatement to call it, Criminal. It's practically sociopathic and just makes me sick.

 

A normal person does not act this way. :sick:

[Wheremyheartis]

If you want my opinion, I think his end game was a divorce. I think he behaved the way he did, so..heinously, because he wanted a divorce and did not want to be the one to say it and then do it. I think he basically cooked up his elaborate scheme to force you to file.

 

 

This all started with him wanting a divorce and in the end he got just that. But if that is what he truly wanted, there could have been a less bizarre way of going about it. If he didn't want to file, he could have cheated on me, change the locks on the house, or any of those things, and I would have pulled the plug. He knew what my deal breakers were.

 

I'm trying to wrap my brain around why he would send me to a random city and made me make a fool of myself. I want to believe he had a job offer there and that he lost it and was too embarrassed to tell me. I'm finding it hard to believe that he would be this cruel to me for no reason. Either way we are divorcing and I need to stop torturing myself.

[sandylee1]

This all started with him wanting a divorce and in the end he got just that. But if that is what he truly wanted, there could have been a less bizarre way of going about it. If he didn't want to file, he could have cheated on me, change the locks on the house, or any of those things, and I would have pulled the plug. He knew what my deal breakers were.

 

I'm trying to wrap my brain around why he would send me to a random city and made me make a fool of myself. I want to believe he had a job offer there and that he lost it and was too embarrassed to tell me. I'm finding it hard to believe that he would be this cruel to me for no reason. Either way we are divorcing and I need to stop torturing myself.

 

But to start househunting in the new city... then lease a place and cancel it. I remember some posters trying to make out that you didn't or were not considering his feelings. He just expected you to move to a new city with no discussion.

 

Then when you agree to go...he does this. Many many people every year get divorced without such a plot. Talk about bizarre.

 

His behavior is not normal in any way sense or form.

[Wheremyheartis]

I called in sick from work today. Today would have been my fifth year wedding anniversary, even though it technically is from a legal stance. I got up for work at my usual time, and I felt semi okay then. I checked my email and Facebook like I do every morning before work. The first trigger was a notification of a status I made a year ago about wishing my husband a happy anniversary and he commented one of his cheesy poems. It didn't help that he messaged me since I blocked him from texting and calling me, telling me he wishes me a happy anniversary, and five minutes later he messaged me again apologizing for sending it. I didn't respond but then he messaged me again saying he loved me. I blocked him after that. My heart can't take this.

[AloneAgain34]

Dear Wheremyheartis,

 

I only joined this forum last night and stumbled across your post. It put into context what I'm going through being recently separated.

 

You are an amazing woman. A strong, dignified, amazing lady.

 

A good move taking today off...

 

Keep him blocked.

 

Today... be kind to yourself. Look after your feelings, your emotions, and your physical well being. Rest and relax.

 

As hard as it is, try not to think about the past. Today is a new day. It just happens to be date of something else in your history. But it is a day like any other day, and live today like it is a gift.. don't look back, only forward...

 

Thinking of you.

 

xo

[turnera]

Why do you check emails and facebook before you leave your house every day?

 

Do they control your life?

 

Stop letting what other people think or say or do control your life.

[dreamingoftigers]

This all started with him wanting a divorce and in the end he got just that. But if that is what he truly wanted, there could have been a less bizarre way of going about it. If he didn't want to file, he could have cheated on me, change the locks on the house, or any of those things, and I would have pulled the plug. He knew what my deal breakers were.

 

I'm trying to wrap my brain around why he would send me to a random city and made me make a fool of myself. I want to believe he had a job offer there and that he lost it and was too embarrassed to tell me. I'm finding it hard to believe that he would be this cruel to me for no reason. Either way we are divorcing and I need to stop torturing myself.

 

Well there was a woman in that city you were concerned about, right? Or wondering about etc?

 

Maybe that fell through or he chickened out.

 

He's totally weird, maybe you were just collateral damage.

 

Frankly, when my husband was cheating / drinking he did A TON of weird crap. Some of it just bizarre. Also he had a psychiatrist that was one of the most out to lunch people I've ever met jerking him back and forth on meds. To this day I am uncomfortable with him taking meds even though he totally needs to just because of the weird Hell I went through before. Luckily, he's on one anti-depressant that also works for ADD. Only side effect so far has been him being a little more tired than usual.

 

But man, playing with brain chemistry in any way is super- dangerous. I think cheating plays with brain chemistry in destructive ways as well. Just a thought.

[ilovemefirst]

You are handling this very well. In time, you will heal from this..and you did whatever you could to save your marriage and he screwed it up. He is living with the regret and probably will for a very long time. You can at least be at peace knowing that you did the best you could. Give it time..do the things you love and focus on bettering yourself. In time, you will get stronger and you will look back on this and be able to love again:)

[dreamingoftigers]

I called in sick from work today. Today would have been my fifth year wedding anniversary, even though it technically is from a legal stance. I got up for work at my usual time, and I felt semi okay then. I checked my email and Facebook like I do every morning before work. The first trigger was a notification of a status I made a year ago about wishing my husband a happy anniversary and he commented one of his cheesy poems. It didn't help that he messaged me since I blocked him from texting and calling me, telling me he wishes me a happy anniversary, and five minutes later he messaged me again apologizing for sending it. I didn't respond but then he messaged me again saying he loved me. I blocked him after that. My heart can't take this.

 

Oh that is SO TOUGH.

 

I am so sorry.

 

The contact and reminders can really mess with your head.

 

Over a year ago my husband really wentnoff the deep end after slipping a disc and being put on percocet, then withdrawing off of it because he could tell he was becoming addicted. He ended up having an alcohol relapse within a week and was just a mess.

 

He just wasn't with it at all. I say we "separated" but more to the truth was he took off and was living out of the back of his car. Very sporadic contact and I simply couldn't deal with it. It was truly just devastating and very very few people knew what had happened. His boss thought it was his back injury and I didn't tell him the real deal.

 

So, I took over his job. I had to stop cleaning and greasing machines full-time because of the carpal tunnel it has given me. So I "filled-in" for my husband until "he got back." But I really never expected him to be back on any level. He certainly didn't seem to have the intent to.

 

But oh my gosh, the sporadic contact, seeing his name all over the place, and having to field the "oh how is he doing?" questions were pretty soul-crushing.

 

I don't envy you at all right now. Block everything you can of that to move past it. It is so strange he never gave you any sort of explanation or closure.

 

I guess strange for a normal person. But not strange for someone that would sell the house and send their wife to another city.

 

I know it sounds like a weird thing to say: but please don't take it personally, he clearly is just messed in the head in some way. Lots of people are. It can't be our faults that they do messed up things.

[ufo8mycat]

I called in sick from work today. Today would have been my fifth year wedding anniversary, even though it technically is from a legal stance. I got up for work at my usual time, and I felt semi okay then. I checked my email and Facebook like I do every morning before work. The first trigger was a notification of a status I made a year ago about wishing my husband a happy anniversary and he commented one of his cheesy poems. It didn't help that he messaged me since I blocked him from texting and calling me, telling me he wishes me a happy anniversary, and five minutes later he messaged me again apologizing for sending it. I didn't respond but then he messaged me again saying he loved me. I blocked him after that. My heart can't take this.

 

There is absolutely nothing wrong with the odd mental health day here and there.

 

I turned off all that memories notification stuff for that reason....

 

Here we have similar laws of having to be separated a year before you can divorce. I have been separated 11 months now and I completely understand how the heart hurts. We have a conciliation conference for our property settlement... the day before our 9th wedding anniversary. We went from speaking every day to having spoken three times in 11 months. Seeing him in court last month was one of the handful of times I have seen him since he said he didn't want to be married to me any more. No explanation. No closure.

 

The heart break and sadness has been unbearable at time. Also the emotional whiplash of who is this guy?

 

The firsts suck. The first christmas, birthday, anniversary (formal and informal). Even the first time you are really sick and don't have anyone to care to you and make you tea. Its really awful. I still cry and get emotional at this stuff and I think I will until our lives are completely untied.

 

But!! It does get easier. It really, truly, honestly does.

 

Hang in there x

[Wheremyheartis]

There is absolutely nothing wrong with the odd mental health day here and there.

 

I turned off all that memories notification stuff for that reason....

 

Here we have similar laws of having to be separated a year before you can divorce. I have been separated 11 months now and I completely understand how the heart hurts. We have a conciliation conference for our property settlement... the day before our 9th wedding anniversary. We went from speaking every day to having spoken three times in 11 months. Seeing him in court last month was one of the handful of times I have seen him since he said he didn't want to be married to me any more. No explanation. No closure.

 

The heart break and sadness has been unbearable at time. Also the emotional whiplash of who is this guy?

 

The firsts suck. The first christmas, birthday, anniversary (formal and informal). Even the first time you are really sick and don't have anyone to care to you and make you tea. Its really awful. I still cry and get emotional at this stuff and I think I will until our lives are completely untied.

 

But!! It does get easier. It really, truly, honestly does.

 

Hang in there x

 

I think despite what he did to me, everything turned out pretty well. We sold the house before I filed for a legal separation. Our assets were split pretty evenly. I all ready bought my own place. Life is going good. As long as I don't get back together with him, my assets and my future are safe. Just have to wait until the one year separation was up to finalize the divorce. I really don't have any reason to see him ever again.

 

Also to clarify why I check my email and social media. I have done it for as long as I remember. I checked my email and social media when my husband and I were happy. It's my only way to connect with some of my family, some which live in a totally different time zone. As for caring about what others think. I'm trying to detach my feelings from him but it's hard. He was my first boyfriend, who I have dated since I was a teenager. He was who I thought was my soul mate. It's going to take some time to move on from that. I used to care about what he thought, and it's hard to think about him not being in my life anymore. My heart needs to catch up with my head.

[dreamingoftigers]

I think despite what he did to me, everything turned out pretty well. We sold the house before I filed for a legal separation. Our assets were split pretty evenly. I all ready bought my own place. Life is going good. As long as I don't get back together with him, my assets and my future are safe. Just have to wait until the one year separation was up to finalize the divorce. I really don't have any reason to see him ever again.

 

Also to clarify why I check my email and social media. I have done it for as long as I remember. I checked my email and social media when my husband and I were happy. It's my only way to connect with some of my family, some which live in a totally different time zone. As for caring about what others think. I'm trying to detach my feelings from him but it's hard. He was my first boyfriend, who I have dated since I was a teenager. He was who I thought was my soul mate. It's going to take some time to move on from that. I used to care about what he thought, and it's hard to think about him not being in my life anymore. My heart needs to catch up with my head.

 

Really that all is pretty typical and makes perfect sense.

 

Checking social media for the general "what's going on in the world and with my friends" is pretty common as a daily/weekly routine.

 

It doesn't mean that everyone else controls you or that you are dependent or whatever.

 

I think.some people are and get really overboard, posting every time they have a peanut butter sandwich, starting these long crazy threads, having ONLY Facebook friends, doing mass opinion polls "so these are the shoes I picked today, yay or nay? Help me plan tomorrow's outfit too."

 

Or just the people that go histrionic or depressed all the freaking time. I have on FB friend that posts EVERYDAY about her in-laws and child custody etc etc etc. Like, really, I am so sure your daughter really appreciates you airing her dirty laundry all around the world, eep! I get its tough but it is so ingrained that it's ALWAYS something dramatic or depressing. Sure there are tough times, but she's been on my list for five years and I have not seen ONE "oh wow it's a nice day out today" post EVER. So, okay, that's her personality, fine.

 

I'm sure you aren't some crazed keyboard warrior with 15000+ cat posts or anything.

[Wheremyheartis]

I rarely post anything on social media. I own a diary to vent in.