My Husband Got Up And Left

[Wheremyheartis]

I'm.also quite sorry that our laws here drag things out for so long. I don't quite understand the logic there. Divorce shouldn't take longer than having a baby. I'm quite confident that if we had "six month" separations instead of year long, my husband and I would have divorced or he would have smartened up a lot quicker. As it was, things dragged considerably. It really makes no sense to me. I also think it holds people far too long to a very dead relationship.

 

I'm glad there are laws that will grant an immediate divorce if its because of infidelity and/or abuse. I tried to get that granted based on abuse. My lawyer thought he could get but the judge didn't go for it. I know it sucks that I have to wait a full year to be legally divorced from him, but it gives me time to heal. Once the divorce is finalized, maybe I'll be ready to move on.

[Wheremyheartis]

I just got off the phone with my soon to be ex mother in law. So my husband's attempt at contacting me the other day, despite happening to be on our anniversary, he had a reason. My mother in law said she convinced him to go see a psychatrist, which he did. She told me she suspected his issues were beyond simple depression. And her intuition and mine were correct.

 

He was diagnosed with: Avoidant Personality Disorder

 

 

I did some research and some of the systems of Avoidant Personality Disorder he has. Looking back a lot of these systems and signs he had the entire time I have known him.

 

He has always had low self worth, nothing was ever good enough for him. Whenever something good came his way, it never lasted. The emotional distancing, the avoiding conflict was something he always had done, it just gotten worse this past year. It all makes sense.

 

This doesn't change anything for me, but it's good to understand that it wasn't me. He is sick and I hope he gets the help he needs.

Edited March 18, 2016 by Wheremyheartis

[dreamingoftigers]

I just got off the phone with my soon to be ex mother in law. So my husband's attempt at contacting me the other day, despite happening to be on our anniversary, he had a reason. My mother in law said she convinced him to go see a psychatrist, which he did. She told me she suspected his issues were beyond simple depression. And her intuition and mine were correct.

 

He was diagnosed with: Avoidant Personality Disorder

 

 

I did some research and some of the systems of Avoidant Personality Disorder he has. Looking back a lot of these systems and signs he had the entire time I have known him.

 

He has always had low self worth, nothing was ever good enough for him. Whenever something good came his way, it never lasted. The emotional distancing, the avoiding conflict was something he always had done, it just gotten worse this past year. It all makes sense.

 

This doesn't change anything for me, but it's good to understand that it wasn't me. He is sick and I hope he gets the help he needs.

 

Yeesh. That's going to be rough ride for him.

 

I've noticed nothing breeds conflict and contempt like avoidance. And that's exactly the type of person that won't allow that to be explained to them

[Apparition]

Have you still been in no contact, OP?

 

 

How are you?

[ashley1992]

that's unfair.. I would hate if my partner chose his job over me... doesn't he remember the vows when he got married? he wants u to move leave ur family and friends ur job and ur happiness so he can have a better job? It's not like doesn't already have one. if he can't put ur happiness first I'm sorry he's a loser. His choosing to end his marriage just for a job? u know wat let him go.. Il be damned if he doesn't loose this job and come back begging and crying for ur love. I don't think he will have this new job for the rest of his life... Like what are the chances... Take care

[Captivating]

Hi,

Most men think that they are the primary providers for their family. If the "providing" part doesn't go well, even if it's not their fault, it can be detrimental for other aspects of life. Romantic/sex life is usually affected by this, they don't feel "man enough"

It's an ego thing. He seems to bottle up this insecurity. It is part of the culture in America, that guys supposed to be "macho" at all times, not sharing their inner struggles, fears especially with their ladies. So they keep everything in.

It is a sad existance.

(there is a comedian Bill Burr, on netflix, who talks about this in one of his standup comedy, highly recommend it to watch)

 

What should you do ? You asked.

You guys need to have a heart to heart talk, be very patient and understanding, hear him out, DO NOT get defensive.....this passive agressive not talking with each other won't lead anywhere good.

Is he not able to find a job nearby to your city?

Would you consider moving for him ? It could be a great adventure.

[dreamingoftigers]

Hi,

Most men think that they are the primary providers for their family. If the "providing" part doesn't go well, even if it's not their fault, it can be detrimental for other aspects of life. Romantic/sex life is usually affected by this, they don't feel "man enough"

It's an ego thing. He seems to bottle up this insecurity. It is part of the culture in America, that guys supposed to be "macho" at all times, not sharing their inner struggles, fears especially with their ladies. So they keep everything in.

It is a sad existance.

(there is a comedian Bill Burr, on netflix, who talks about this in one of his standup comedy, highly recommend it to watch)

 

What should you do ? You asked.

You guys need to have a heart to heart talk, be very patient and understanding, hear him out, DO NOT get defensive.....this passive agressive not talking with each other won't lead anywhere good.

Is he not able to find a job nearby to your city?

Would you consider moving for him ? It could be a great adventure.

 

They are divorcing.

 

He has Avoidant Personality Disorder.

He totally screwed his wife over.

It wasn't an adventure.

They aren't American.

[Wheremyheartis]

Update

 

Sorry for the long delay in a response. Life is going pretty good. I finally moved into my place. I have a steady paycheck coming in, and have a nice savings. Best part is I don't have to compromise. A few friend's and I are taking pottery classes together. Not something I thought I'd do. But I'm trying to rebuild my life after my marriage failing.

 

As for my husband or ex husband. I wish the divorce could be finalized legally already but, it's just a technicality until then. I have only talked to him briefly a few times over the past few weeks. No conversation I've initiated. I finally got an apology. I told him I wished him the best in luck with getting his life back on track.

 

I'm still having a hard time emotionally. I still think about him often, but I'm keeping busy and learning ways to cope with the loss of my marriage. Each day, gets a bit easier but I expect rough days ahead. I'm taking things one day at a time.

Edited April 7, 2016 by Wheremyheartis

[Wheremyheartis]

My phone kept beeping, so I got up to turn my cell to silent. I noticed a bunch of text messages from my soon to be ex husband work number. The first one he asked me to call him. Twenty minutes later, he sent me a text telling me he loved me. Then a text just as I woke up he asked me to please call him, that he really needs to talk to me. I texted him saying it was in the middle of the night and if it was still important we would talk tomorrow. I knew I should have just ignored him, but he still knows how to get me.

 

So he text me a few more times, begging me to not ignore him. I called him. At first I thought he was drunk but his text messages were way to perfect, no grammar or spelling errors.

 

He asked me if I would listen to what he had to say, while he had the courage to say it. I agreed. He started talking about the progress he had been making in therapy. He started some medication to deal with his depression and anxiety. I listened because despite what he had done to me I do want what best for him. He then started to apologize for how he treated me. How he was a coward? That he got himself into a bind that he didn't know how to get out of.

 

Up to this point I didn't really say much, but after he said he got into a bind I questioned him on that. He said a week before we were suppose to move, the job in the new city fell through. He didn't know if he had a job to come back too, since he left two weeks notice. He panicked, lied to me. He didn't have the courage to tell me because he thought I'd be mad. But the day came, and he thought for sure it be easier to avoid me then to have to tell me the truth. But his job did take him back a few days after I filed for divorce. He says he has been doing some soul searching and trying to make changes to be a better man.

 

Finally after him rambling on and on. I asked him why this couldn't wait until morning. He asked me if I would give him a second chance and that he really needed to ask me now, while he had the courage too. I had to say I was speechless. I told him I wasn't doing this, that I was going back to bed. I heard him break down in the background. It was awful. After I hung up I called his parents, because I was concerned about him.

 

Now here I am crying. It feels like day one all over again. I really wish I would stick to no contact. This is so hard. So ****ing hard.

Edited April 15, 2016 by Wheremyheartis

[acrosstheuniverse]

My phone kept beeping, so I got up to turn my cell to silent. I noticed a bunch of text messages from my soon to be ex husband work number. The first one he asked me to call him. Twenty minutes later, he sent me a text telling me he loved me. Then a text just as I woke up he asked me to please call him, that he really needs to talk to me. I texted him saying it was in the middle of the night and if it was still important we would talk tomorrow. I knew I should have just ignored him, but he still knows how to get me.

 

So he text me a few more times, begging me to not ignore him. I called him. At first I thought he was drunk but his text messages were way to perfect, no grammar or spelling errors.

 

He asked me if I would listen to what he had to say, while he had the courage to say it. I agreed. He started talking about the progress he had been making in therapy. He started some medication to deal with his depression and anxiety. I listened because despite what he had done to me I do want what best for him. He then started to apologize for how he treated me. How he was a coward? That he got himself into a bind that he didn't know how to get out of.

 

Up to this point I didn't really say much, but after he said he got into a bind I questioned him on that. He said a week before we were suppose to move, the job in the new city fell through. He didn't know if he had a job to come back too, since he left two weeks notice. He panicked, lied to me. He didn't have the courage to tell me because he thought I'd be mad. But the day came, and he thought for sure it be easier to avoid me then to have to tell me the truth. But his job did take him back a few days after I filed for divorce. He says he has been doing some soul searching and trying to make changes to be a better man.

 

Finally after him rambling on and on. I asked him why this couldn't wait until morning. He asked me if I would give him a second chance and that he really needed to ask me now, while he had the courage too. I had to say I was speechless. I told him I wasn't doing this, that I was going back to bed. I heard him break down in the background. It was awful. After I hung up I called his parents, because I was concerned about him.

 

Now here I am crying. It feels like day one all over again. I really wish I would stick to no contact. This is so hard. So ****ing hard.

 

 

I just read your entire thread and wanted to add my voice to the chorus of people saying how insanely strong and cool headed you are. I hope I have your strength and compassion if someone ever pulls this **** on me.

 

Why do you have contact, by the way? Why isn't he blocked on your phone and Facebook? If I were you I'd make sure he's 100% blocked everywhere and if you need to discuss anything re the divorce go through his or your parents. Every time this stuff happens it just rips the scab wide open again and sets you back. He f*cked you over worse than most stories I've ever seen on here, sick or otherwise you have to protect yourself and allow yourself to heal. If I thought he was selfish before, he seriously is now. After all he's put you through he calls you to tell you that?

 

How do you feel? Do you feel it can ever be rebuilt? Would you even want to? I don't know how you'd ever trust someone again. Not to mention the logistics and the fact you already bought a property. I mean come on!

[Wheremyheartis]

I just read your entire thread and wanted to add my voice to the chorus of people saying how insanely strong and cool headed you are. I hope I have your strength and compassion if someone ever pulls this **** on me.

 

Why do you have contact, by the way? Why isn't he blocked on your phone and Facebook? If I were you I'd make sure he's 100% blocked everywhere and if you need to discuss anything re the divorce go through his or your parents. Every time this stuff happens it just rips the scab wide open again and sets you back. He f*cked you over worse than most stories I've ever seen on here, sick or otherwise you have to protect yourself and allow yourself to heal. If I thought he was selfish before, he seriously is now. After all he's put you through he calls you to tell you that?

 

How do you feel? Do you feel it can ever be rebuilt? Would you even want to? I don't know how you'd ever trust someone again. Not to mention the logistics and the fact you already bought a property. I mean come on!

 

I had his regular cell number blocked. This was his work cell. Anyway I decided to change my number.

 

How do I feel? Like crap. I don't know what his purpose was but the fact I got an answer for why he did what he did. And if I know him at all, the reason he gave was probably something he'd worry about. The fact he called me at all to tell me how things were going with him in its self is different and huge. But I do understand where it comes across that he is selfish.

 

He called me in the middle of the night, I was tired and no all lucid at that time. I almost wished he was drunk so maybe it would have been a little less painful. I know I needed a 2 x 4 across the head. Today is a new day and I'm going to move forward and learn better ways to detach from him.

 

Thanks

[stillafool]

Don't forget to block his work cell. Good luck with moving on.

[dreamingoftigers]

Maybe take a few days to think on it.

 

IDK how that may look to you.

 

I've been dealt a pretty heavy hand in my own marriage and we have / are coming through it.

 

But I get it would take an insane amount of effort to build any kind of trust there. And he would have to completely address his lack of normal coping skills.

 

But we also had years and a child together. Totally different scenario.

 

You might want to backburner him, you might not want anything to do with him ever again at all. It's all completely up to you.

[Wheremyheartis]

Maybe take a few days to think on it.

 

IDK how that may look to you.

 

I've been dealt a pretty heavy hand in my own marriage and we have / are coming through it.

 

But I get it would take an insane amount of effort to build any kind of trust there. And he would have to completely address his lack of normal coping skills.

 

But we also had years and a child together. Totally different scenario.

 

You might want to back burner him, you might not want anything to do with him ever again at all. It's all completely up to you.

 

 

My mind has been a yo-yo. I think about what he did to me and the embarrasment I felt. I know I should never talk to him, that he is cruel and put me in a difficult spot. From the day we had seperated piece by piece of me had been crumbling. I was strong and many people had said that, but instead of becoming easier to detach, it has became a nightmare. I know it's 2 1/2 months and that is barely that long, and time will eventually be on my side.

 

But then I keep thinking this is a mental illness. No normal person would do this to someone. The depression, the avoiding conflict, the passive aggressveness, the extremely low self-esteem, etc. had took over his life. I find it hard to not make excuses for him, not to take some of the responsibility from him. But I think it may just be my way, to try and understand. We were together for almost 11 years and all those 11 years, we had stuck by one and other. We got married, and took vows. After his diagnosis, my own guilt manifested.

 

I went to change my number yesterday and I couldnt do it. I spent an hour in my car bawling. Over changing my number. I don't know what about it hurt so much. My husband has text me from his work number some more, since I hadn't blocked it yet. I know in my head I should, but for some reason I can't. I did sent him a text last night after he said he loved me. I asked him if he really did or was this an attempt to try and feel better about himself. Then he texted back that he did love me. He didn't text me anymore after that and I didn't respond.

 

On the bright side I have a fun day planned tomorrow with some friends. It'll give me a much needed day to decompress.

[turnera]

The problem with people with mental illnesses is that if you take on the role of savior, you take AWAY their need to fix themselves.

[Wheremyheartis]

A much needed update:

 

I'm still single and still separated. I did end up having a heart to heart with my husband. It happened a few days after I last posted. We hadn't sat down and actually talked since I filed for divorce.

 

I told him I didn't want to get back together. I told him that I would be his friend and be there for him as a friend, as long as he keeps working on himself. He said he has been going to therapy and really trying. He's ashamed and sorry for what he did to me.

 

This conversation was really uplifting, and helped put a lot of wonder to rest. After talking with him, I've began doing my own soul searching. Despite being heartbroken and my marriage ending. I'm discovering new things about myself. I started doing yoga and going to pottery class. I start seeing a councellor next week. All these are positive changes.

 

Weither or not my husband and I get back together or not is not in the cards right now. I'm still legally married (just legally seperated) until atleast February, so anything can happen. But I'm hoping to be in a better place then.

[Wheremyheartis]

I haven't posted in awhile. I'm still single and haven't gotten back together with my husband. I just got hired for a second part time job as a waitress. I start early next week.

 

While it's nice to have my own place, it's been lonely. I really miss sharing my house with someone. I haven't really talked to my husband since we last talked. His mom told me he is still going to therapy, and that he hopes one day we'll get back together. I do find that as the days go by it's gets easier not having him around.

 

I attended two sessions with a therapist and then decided to stop. While it was only two, it helped me, or helped me validate that what I'm dong and how I'm feeling or normal.

[Andrew42]

Read your post about crying for an hour over changing your number, I broke down in tears this morning taking a cup out the cupboard to make a drink and realised I had my wife's favourite cup in my hand

[Jersey born raised]

You can not be his friend at this point. It strikes me if you go down this road you will be encouraging a unhealthy co-dependence. Did you speak at this in one of the two therapy sessions?

 

You are in a horrible position. Stay focused on moving forward. When speaking to friends or his family speak kindly of him, that is all you can do.

[Andrew42]

This forum and the help everyone on here can give will help you through this.

[bathtub-row]

You're in a tough spot because you're going to feel sympathy for his mental condition, but you'll always wonder if you can trust him. The stunt he pulled on you was a very big one and it has done some serious damage.

 

It has been my experience that it's actually easier for people to speak honestly with one another once they've taken a break from one another; a step back. But once they try to make it work again, they find that the magic has been lost and that things aren't easily put back together again. Despite what it feels like when you talk to him, the bond between the two of you has been snapped in half. You're learning to live without him now and if you try to work things out with him at this stage, it will be harder than you think. Still, it's your call and you have to decide what feels right to you.

 

You're a very smart person who hasn't let her life be controlled by her emotions. Like a lot of others, I certainly admire the way you have handled this situation. Whatever you decide to do, you know that you can make it on your own and that he can't break you. I know you have felt broken but you'll be fine, whatever happens with this relationship.

[Wheremyheartis]

Despite what it feels like when you talk to him, the bond between the two of you has been snapped in half. You're learning to live without him now and if you try to work things out with him at this stage, it will be harder than you think. Still, it's your call and you have to decide what feels right to you.

 

You're a very smart person who hasn't let her life be controlled by her emotions. Like a lot of others, I certainly admire the way you have handled this situation. Whatever you decide to do, you know that you can make it on your own and that he can't break you. I know you have felt broken but you'll be fine, whatever happens with this relationship.

 

 

At this point I don't picture a future with him. I agree and recognize that our relationship had been tattered. I'm distancing myself for my own healing. I made it clear to him I don't want to be with him.

 

With that said, I still love him and care about him. He was my best friend for almost 11 years and that is hard to let go. All I want is for him to get his life back on track. Even if we both go our own ways to find new relationships. He was a part of my life and those memories I'll cherish for ever.

 

I do agree with you and other posters about being careful about getting to close to him. I'll give him my support from a distance.

[Wheremyheartis]

I've been missing my husband a lot. Around this time of year we always used to go shopping, to get ready for summer. We'd shop for flowers together (more like I dragged him along) and put in a garden. We'd set up the badminton net, and have frequent BBQs.

 

On Friday night, we exchanged some text messages. I had unblocked him and I know I shouldn't have but I really had been missing him. They were short and not with a lot of emotion but they help me feel a little better.

 

My husband is doing really well in therapy and working on himself and I'm happy for him. He hasn't directly out asked if I'd consider giving him another chance especially after I told him no. But he has been dropping subtle hints. I know he misses me too.

 

This morning I had the worst bawl-fest to date. I got an invitation in the mail from a close friend to attend her wedding. She had been one of my bridesmaids. She asked me a few weeks after she got engaged (which was a few weeks after my marriage fell apart) if I wanted to be a bridesmaid. I explained to her what was going on and that I didn't want to shine a big dark shadow over her wedding, so I gracefully passed. After I received the letter, I cried. I started swearing and getting really really mad. I even wrote a very mean, very raw text message I was going to send to my husband but I stopped. I'm a little better now, but I'm just so down in the dumps.

[Robert]

This thread has been running for quite some time and the thread starter has started a new thread in the Coping section, so we will close this up to avoid overlap.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/584737-coping-loss-my-marriage

 

Please continue to post there.

 

Thanks

~6