Never Done the LDR Thing ... Can it Really Work?

[capitalcity_girl21]

I've been dating my boyfriend for a smidge over 1 year now. In about 3 months he will be going away for 3-4 months to get trained up on his new MOS (he's in the military). After that he will be restationed and the plan is for me to go with him to wherever that new post might be. Great!

 

I've never done any kind of long-distance relationship thing because deep down I just don't think it can work. People get lonely and subsequently, do things that they might not be inclined to do when their siginifcant other is just a stone's throw away. In our case, we live together and have done for about 10 months.

 

We have had some hiccups over the past year but worked through them and moved on. Trust has been an issue; not because of any physical infidelity but because of some seemingly inappropriate relationships/conversations/interatctions with ex-girlfriends and women from his past. The confrontation of those issues in turn led to some secrets, lies, and hurt feelings. But like I said, we moved past that and continued in the relationship.

 

Luckily, we will not be completely out of pocket for the duration of his time away. The place where he will be is about 3 hours south of where we currently live. I work a full-time job during the week and would be able to visit occassionally on some weekends. We do not have children so there are no extenuating circumstances to consider.

 

I think I am just really anxious about the whole situation because I see a future in this relationship and want it to work out. However, I am also a pessimist and just wonder how these things can actually work and survive when you lose that very habitual closeness that makes the relationship so great to begin with. Also when you factor in a new environment and the desire to fit in with your peers, go out, etc., etc.

 

Any advice from those that have been through this would be much appreciated. Any tips on what seems to work would also be good. I guess one has to be prepared to lose a little bit of the constant communication that you get when you live with someone. I think I just need to get a grip and stop stressing about it. It could be a lot worse!

 

Thanks!

[prisoner]

do you know what you want from the relationship? do you know where things will be when everything settles down again? do you have any regrets having lived with him? does he have any regrets?

 

you are about to experience some distance for some time. it will be over. it will be done. the distance will be closed again in no time, right? and as long as you are willing to move with him afterwards, you shouldn't have a problem, right?

 

yes there will be some adjustment. but no i cannot imagine that if you already have a good relationship then why you would have a problem. is there an unresolved issue? is there someone he knows that he will be with that you do not like? what about him? is there something you are likely to enjoy more while he is gone?

 

maybe you should. rediscover a lost hobby. join a club. learn something that will advance your career and make you more employable when you move. is there something you have lost that you can rediscover while he is gone? a friend? a book club? a part time job for more moving money? or for a surprise vacation when all is said and done? what will you do with the time? it might be a gift.

 

all of those little notes and communications are available to you. there will be some delay in receipt and return but nothing that will mkill you. text message. postcards. notes and letters. it will all make the time go faster.

 

oh and since you have been together and are being seperated for a while and then will be back together it is good to make a plan. fixed. in the diary. on the calendar. that will make things go faster.

[blind_otter]

I was with my BF for a lot shorter a period of time than you've been with your BF before he had to leave to go back to the UK. I think LDRs can work, with some stipulations.

 

- The period of separation has to have a definite end

- The relationship began with an extended period of time together (which you've covered)

- You have definite plans for what will happen to the relationship at the end of the separation (you are moving to be with him)

 

There's always emails, letters, and hours on the telephone. It can be done, if you are bound and determined to do it. People are only weak when they secretly want to be, IMO.

[Horse]

I never thought Long distance relationships could work until I was in one. I used to tease a guy that I worked with in the Air Force about his girl back home sleeping with other dudes in college while he was saving himself for her.

 

Then I met a great woman and I had to go back to the US while she had to stay oversease for another year. We were supposed to try to be just friends after I left, but we were in love. We lived in separate countries for a year. It wasn't easy, but it wasn't as hard as I expected. Now we're married and happy.

 

The point.. you don't don't know if you don't try. What do you have to lose?

[magda]

I totally agree with horse and otter. My fiance and I were apart for almost a year, with visits now and then, phone calls every night. It sucked. But it's over. It never would've lasted if we didn't definitely know when the next time we would see each other was. During each visit, we'd plan the next visit and know exactly when it would be, and of course, when the separation would finally be over for good.

 

I didn't think it was possible before my relationship, either. I thought LD was stupid. But in your case, from where I stand right now, questioning it seems stupid. Anyway, you'll get a lot of new fuel for your sexual fantasies and when you meet again, the sex will be awesome! Phone sex isn't bad.. in the short term. Just learn to summarize your day really well on the phone or in email. And have some kind of communication daily, or as close to daily as possible. The nightly phone calls shouldn't be a burden..

 

People are only weak when they secretly want to be, IMO.

amen!