luvmydogs Posted December 30, 2015 Share Posted December 30, 2015 I was married back in February. I have known my husband since July 2013. I'm 27 and he is 30. It is the first marriage for both of us. No kids. We had to move to a different state away from both of our families for his job. I have a college degree but I'm not using it and working in retail (under 30 hours a week) and going back to school for an accounting degree. We don't sleep in the same room (he has to sleep upright because of his back, and I can't sleep if I'm upright. And I snore which annoys him). So he sleeps in the bed and I sleep in the living room on the couch. I avoid sex and dread it when he wants it. It's always just about him, he doesn't even try to fulfill my needs in the bedroom, and if he does, he gives up rather quickly. We rarely do anything outside of the apartment. Due to my strange work hours in retail, and his complaining that there is nothing to do in this city and it costs too much money. And now, he is treating me like a child. Asking to see my bank account and making sure I don't overdraft. At one point I had to hand over my online accounts and he changed the passwords to them so I wouldn't have access. He also has my debit and checks. I earn about $100-150 a week. He has a full-time job making about $52k a year. He pays rent and expects me to pay utilites, cable, internet. We don't have any joint form of finances. I just don't know what to do at this point. I threaten to just move back home with my parents because it would probably be better for both of us. Any thoughts on this situation? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 30, 2015 Share Posted December 30, 2015 You sound more like a prisoner then a wife. Get some MC. You both need to learn to communicate in & out of the bedroom. Relearning to date on a budget could be helpful & you really need a more equitable financial arrangement. Whatever you do, don't get pregnant. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gemma1 Posted December 31, 2015 Share Posted December 31, 2015 Why did you marry him? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Cynicalme Posted December 31, 2015 Share Posted December 31, 2015 And now, he is treating me like a child. Asking to see my bank account and making sure I don't overdraft. At one point I had to hand over my online accounts and he changed the passwords to them so I wouldn't have access. He also has my debit and checks. I earn about $100-150 a week. He has a full-time job making about $52k a year. He pays rent and expects me to pay utilites, cable, internet. We don't have any joint form of finances. The writing's on the wall...get the H out. Go home to your parents. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted December 31, 2015 Share Posted December 31, 2015 This sounds rather familiar to a couple of stories here before ... BUT... contact your bank and change the passwords back. Tell him you need satisfying in bed..otherwise you'll not be motivated Buy or rent a 2 bed place ... so you aren't on the couch.. The one with the back problems should sleep upright on the couch Stand up for yourself and stop acting like a wife from Victorian times.... I say this assuming you are in the western world and are reasonably educated to detect controlling behaviour. This type of control is the death of people....wise up girl. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted December 31, 2015 Share Posted December 31, 2015 There is no reason for you to stay with your husband. Leave him and spend some time alone so that you can figure out what led you to an financially abusive controller in the first place. Don't get into another relationship until you have high self esteem. Good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
11012015 Posted December 31, 2015 Share Posted December 31, 2015 Easy to play the victim on these boards. Here is another take: I have a college degree but I'm not using it and working in retail (under 30 hours a week) and going back to school for an accounting degree. You are 27. You have a college degree but for some reason you take more debt (which is now a marital-debt) to get a second degree and only make $100-150 a week? [so even if we take $150 and divide it by ~30, that is $5 an hour, which doesn't add up or make sense.] We don't sleep in the same room (he has to sleep upright because of his back So he has a back injury of sorts and still works at a full-time job to make 52K to support the family. I can't sleep if I'm upright. I don't understand why you have to sleep upright, if he is sleeping upright. When I had surgery and had to sleep upright for a week, I put a bunch of pillows to make that happen and my gf next to me didn't have to sleep upright. Let's assume (for the sake of this argument) you have a hospital bed that goes upright as a whole, there are beds you can purchase with two different sides/settings on each side. (And I snore which annoys him). So he sleeps in the bed and I sleep in the living room on the couch. I avoid sex and dread it when he wants it. Unless snoring started right after marriage, it doesn't seem like it was a big issue to prevent marriage. And with that last part, something tells me sleeping on the couch was actually your idea, not his. We rarely do anything outside of the apartment. Due to my strange work hours in retail, and his complaining that there is nothing to do in this city and it costs too much money. You work in retail and probably work on prime dating days/hours --Holidays, Saturdays/Sundays, right? Doesn't make things easy, does it? I'd rather go out on Fri/Sat rather than Monday night when you might be off and he has to work the next day. And now, he is treating me like a child. Asking to see my bank account and making sure I don't overdraft. Why? Because you had overdraft charges before, right? And it happened more than once so he felt the need to monitor it? He has a full-time job making about $52k a year. He pays rent and expects me to pay utilites, cable, internet. We don't have any joint form of finances. He pays the entire rent, which is probably 10x of utilities. Based on the money you are making, he is probably also covering majority of the groceries. Is it not fair for you to contribute at least a bit? I threaten to just move back home with my parents because it would probably be better for both of us. Any thoughts on this situation? Thoughts on your situation? Let's see: You are almost the same age (with similar education) but you barely contribute to household expenses. You most likely refuse sex -- and don't even give him cuddles at night. You work and go to school, so something tells me you don't cook most of the meals either. What else? You expect the guy to pay for everything as if he is some sugar daddy. And you are probably financially irresponsible too, to have overdraft charges on your account (re: why would he change your password otherwise, it is not like you are making money for him to take it). Then you 'threaten' your husband with 'going to parents' which tells me you don't know how to communicate (or tried marriage counseling before it got to that level, for that matter). So, do you know what I think? I think you need to grow up and realize it takes two to make a marriage -- and this is not your daddy's house anymore. Maybe you should go back to your parents house because what you are looking for is a dad, not a husband. So that is the devil's advocate for you. Maybe it will give you a different perspective. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Faust Posted December 31, 2015 Share Posted December 31, 2015 (edited) Why? Because you had overdraft charges before, right? And it happened more than once so he felt the need to monitor it? Might I add, you can also call the bank order a new debit card, cancel the checks and have them reset your online access. You can choose to be a victim or you can get up and do something about it. He pays rent and expects me to pay utilites, cable, internet. Is it wrong for him to expect you to contribute to the household? Edited December 31, 2015 by Ms. Faust Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted December 31, 2015 Share Posted December 31, 2015 You earn a pittance.....are you really sure he expects you to pay the utilities /cable /Internet from that? Who pays for the groceries? Car insurance? Car maintenance? Cell phone bills? Something doesn't add up with your situation.......not by a long shot 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Babs22 Posted December 31, 2015 Share Posted December 31, 2015 luvmydogs, You haven't even been married a year. Some of these issues were obviously present before you got married, for example him not fulfilling your needs in the bedroom. Can you explain to me why the two of you ever thought it would be a good idea to get married? I think this marriage sounds like a mistake. It would be easiest to get out now. Move back home and get a divorce or disillusionment. You are both too young to stay in an obviously bad relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted December 31, 2015 Share Posted December 31, 2015 Easy to play the victim on these boards. Here is another take: You are 27. You have a college degree but for some reason you take more debt (which is now a marital-debt) to get a second degree and only make $100-150 a week? [so even if we take $150 and divide it by ~30, that is $5 an hour, which doesn't add up or make sense.] So he has a back injury of sorts and still works at a full-time job to make 52K to support the family. I don't understand why you have to sleep upright, if he is sleeping upright. When I had surgery and had to sleep upright for a week, I put a bunch of pillows to make that happen and my gf next to me didn't have to sleep upright. Let's assume (for the sake of this argument) you have a hospital bed that goes upright as a whole, there are beds you can purchase with two different sides/settings on each side. Unless snoring started right after marriage, it doesn't seem like it was a big issue to prevent marriage. And with that last part, something tells me sleeping on the couch was actually your idea, not his. You work in retail and probably work on prime dating days/hours --Holidays, Saturdays/Sundays, right? Doesn't make things easy, does it? I'd rather go out on Fri/Sat rather than Monday night when you might be off and he has to work the next day. Why? Because you had overdraft charges before, right? And it happened more than once so he felt the need to monitor it? He pays the entire rent, which is probably 10x of utilities. Based on the money you are making, he is probably also covering majority of the groceries. Is it not fair for you to contribute at least a bit? Thoughts on your situation? Let's see: You are almost the same age (with similar education) but you barely contribute to household expenses. You most likely refuse sex -- and don't even give him cuddles at night. You work and go to school, so something tells me you don't cook most of the meals either. What else? You expect the guy to pay for everything as if he is some sugar daddy. And you are probably financially irresponsible too, to have overdraft charges on your account (re: why would he change your password otherwise, it is not like you are making money for him to take it). Then you 'threaten' your husband with 'going to parents' which tells me you don't know how to communicate (or tried marriage counseling before it got to that level, for that matter). So, do you know what I think? I think you need to grow up and realize it takes two to make a marriage -- and this is not your daddy's house anymore. Maybe you should go back to your parents house because what you are looking for is a dad, not a husband. So that is the devil's advocate for you. Maybe it will give you a different perspective. Just because a husband agrees to pay for all the expenses, it doesn't mean that his wife was looking for a "sugar daddy". I do not work outside the home and my husband takes care of all the expenses. We agreed to this because of my health issues and also because we moved to an area with barely any job opportunities. I did try to find part time work up here but I was unsuccessful. With all that being said, I still pay for two utilities with the money my husband gives me, my own savings and my investments. I want to contribute somehow and it's the least I can do since my husband has been kind enough to pay for everything else. My husband does not view my domestic contributions as unimportant; he is grateful and pleased that I keep our home clean, cook, do laundry and take care of any administrative stuff like making doctor's appointments. I am also an active volunteer in two organizations. If a husband can afford to take care of his wife financially and he doesn't have a problem with it, I don't see what is so awful about that. Believe it or not, my husband and I are much happier now than when I was working. I agree with your comments about sleeping upright. The OP doesn't have to sleep upright just because her husband does. I have never gone into overdraft but even if I did, my husband would expect me to take care of that issue instead of locking me out of my own accounts. I have NEVER threatened to go to my parents' house because my husband and I were fighting. We hash things out on our own. Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted December 31, 2015 Share Posted December 31, 2015 Seems like most of these issues would have been addressed before marriage. Would like an update from the OP..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author luvmydogs Posted January 8, 2016 Author Share Posted January 8, 2016 Lots to update since the new year, been busy with life. However, I am not going to provide any updates. I posted this, thinking I could vent about things and get decent responses that don't include attacking a person or their worth. It is not worth my time (nor do I have to) provide strangers with even more details about my life. I guess I do however have to apologize about not being clear about many details in my original post. (the post I have quoted below has all assumptions about my life and the situation that are incorrect, but I don't feel the need to defend myself to a stranger. I always appreciate having a devil's advocate however, my view was not changed because all your assumptions are wrong. I also have best friends and family that provide excellent devil's advocates). Just sad to see that people still feel the need to attack others online these days, instead of just offering decent advice. I will no longer be responding to this thread, if people would like to use that to attack me, so be it. I will not give into their needs of attention. Thank you to the people that did provide advice instead of just picking apart my post. My husband and I are finally going to marriage counseling to work on the communication issues. We had not done it before, and I finally convinced him we needed it. He had refused to go in the past. Best of luck to everyone and have a wonderful 2016! Easy to play the victim on these boards. Here is another take: You are 27. You have a college degree but for some reason you take more debt (which is now a marital-debt) to get a second degree and only make $100-150 a week? [so even if we take $150 and divide it by ~30, that is $5 an hour, which doesn't add up or make sense.] So he has a back injury of sorts and still works at a full-time job to make 52K to support the family. I don't understand why you have to sleep upright, if he is sleeping upright. When I had surgery and had to sleep upright for a week, I put a bunch of pillows to make that happen and my gf next to me didn't have to sleep upright. Let's assume (for the sake of this argument) you have a hospital bed that goes upright as a whole, there are beds you can purchase with two different sides/settings on each side. Unless snoring started right after marriage, it doesn't seem like it was a big issue to prevent marriage. And with that last part, something tells me sleeping on the couch was actually your idea, not his. You work in retail and probably work on prime dating days/hours --Holidays, Saturdays/Sundays, right? Doesn't make things easy, does it? I'd rather go out on Fri/Sat rather than Monday night when you might be off and he has to work the next day. Why? Because you had overdraft charges before, right? And it happened more than once so he felt the need to monitor it? He pays the entire rent, which is probably 10x of utilities. Based on the money you are making, he is probably also covering majority of the groceries. Is it not fair for you to contribute at least a bit? Thoughts on your situation? Let's see: You are almost the same age (with similar education) but you barely contribute to household expenses. You most likely refuse sex -- and don't even give him cuddles at night. You work and go to school, so something tells me you don't cook most of the meals either. What else? You expect the guy to pay for everything as if he is some sugar daddy. And you are probably financially irresponsible too, to have overdraft charges on your account (re: why would he change your password otherwise, it is not like you are making money for him to take it). Then you 'threaten' your husband with 'going to parents' which tells me you don't know how to communicate (or tried marriage counseling before it got to that level, for that matter). So, do you know what I think? I think you need to grow up and realize it takes two to make a marriage -- and this is not your daddy's house anymore. Maybe you should go back to your parents house because what you are looking for is a dad, not a husband. So that is the devil's advocate for you. Maybe it will give you a different perspective. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
VeveCakes Posted January 8, 2016 Share Posted January 8, 2016 Sorry you didn't get the back pats you were looking for, but it's your loss. Loveshack is full of great advice and insight. Denial won't get you anywhere. Link to post Share on other sites
mrs rubble Posted January 10, 2016 Share Posted January 10, 2016 Sorry you didn't get the back pats you were looking for, but it's your loss. Loveshack is full of great advice and insight. Denial won't get you anywhere. She's not in denial she's in counselling. I agree with her, the quoted post is incredibly rude and assuming. Link to post Share on other sites
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