In full blown affair and want to do what's right

[DirtyHarry]

Hi everyone,

 

This is my second attempt at a post. Last forum I created one on was useless. The people/posts here seem more grounded.

 

(sorry it ended up so long)

 

So yes... I now find myself in a full blown affair. I know how I got here I just dont know where to go and why I am at these cross roads so late and didnt call it ages ago.

 

For awhile now I've struggled in my marriage before wedding and after. And if it wasn't for my kid I'd easily walk away and do my wife right and give her a peaceful divorce.

 

We have had numerous troubles, she wanted a divorce a few times and I wonder why at those times I didnt say yes, specially before a kid complicated it. I guess each time she asked for one I lost a piece of us and slowly prepared for the worst. The last time she brought it up I actually did want it, she threatened to go stay with sister and then I told her she better. But then did a u-turn and didnt want to go. I was done and emotionally over it even though it meant my little boy might never understand why I'm not at home.

 

The main problem I've felt is the sexual side of things were not there causing me to eventually stray. I know too well we not compatible there. The sex is too plain and not enough at all. I have an insanely high sex drive and she cant keep up. Once in a blue moon having it more than once in a day seems alot to her. Hell she cant even call it a pussy or a cock and I enjoy role play, light bondage, dom/sub games. I feel like there is a whole side of me that is a stranger to this woman I live with as sexually she wouldn't like some of the stuff I like. I've tried bringing up the subject but ended in tears and being accused of saying she's boring.

 

I think my wife and I both just left a long term relationship and found each other and wonder if it was a rebound of sorts and was just comfortable to be in initially. I grew to love her and was in love with her for awhile. We have been together for almost 10 years but something has been wrong for awhile I've felt. Last couple of years we have drifted apart.

 

So in the last few months I've ended up in a full blown affair. I mean I'm in love totally and I've tried to analyse is this just lust and replacing what is missing. Makes it worse that she is 13 years younger, I'm 37. The OW has tried to end it, she feels guilty and doesnt want to be the other woman. It seems each time we try we end it we end up being honest with our feelings and realising how we have grown close since seeing each other. If it was just sex I could end it but even though the age gap troubles me when I stand back and look at it all when together there is no age gap we are like two long lost mates. Affection is strong, we sleep in each other arms, and we are literally sexual soul mates. We have sex 2 or 3 times before bed, wake up and both are horny. She is on the exact same wave length and all my kinks and desires are hers or she just enjoys fulfilling mine and I hers. I dream of doing stuff with her I never did with my wife. She is also very romantic and affectionate which I realise was lacking a bit in marriage even when good. She also just likes staying in together whereas my wife always wants to go out and that's a cause for many arguments to this day.

 

She has also made me realise something that when with her I only see her, I dont want another woman or need any other womans affection or attention. Something I never fully had with my wife. I'm not usually a cheater, previous partners I never did anything to compromise the relationship. I feel I want to be a honest man, I know I can. But I dont see that happening with wife and we could try but 6 months from now or a year what then if I'm still lacking certain things.

 

Tennis, golf, cooking, etc.. if you and your partner dont play well together it's ok to find someone else for that but sex is one thing in our society that is for the marriage. My wife is a fantastic woman, incredible mother, incredible housewife which was two of the qualities I saw in her. I just dont see us as perfect partners and feel like we two people sharing a house raising a kid. I haven't slept in the same bed for over a year, I sleep with my boy every night to give her a full nights sleep and I love the time with my boy sorting him out at night if he needs anything and he demands daddy has to sleep with him. Too cute!

 

My crossroads are.. try be a better husband in a marriage I cant see me being fulfilled in once the trying dies down and back to normal.

 

Separate and maybe try with mistress but that's a gamble.

 

I'd only want to leave on the grounds I'm doing her right, not for mistress as everything I read says the stats dont look for that succeeding. I'd first live on my own and date the mistress properly and take it from there.

 

My wife knows I'm not happy, caught me on a bad day beginning of month and it all came out unplanned and I told her I'm not happy and feel we just sharing a house and raising a kid and feel we would be great friends seperated. So now she feels unwannted which is what I didnt want, I hate hurting anyone and normally put my feelings aside first. Although she comments she now realises what all the previous divorce calls feel like. I'm seeing a therapist, what I wanted to do that before bringing it all up with her but it's all out now. She knows I'm not in love anymore and to a degree she feels the same. She is also feels and is right that it's my boy keeping me here. Which everything I read is wrong to be together for as the kid will grow up with the wrong example.

 

Right now it's all about my boy... how do I separate and see less of him. What would he think, how would he cope. Divorce hits a kid really hard and he's a real daddy's boy, follows me everywhere. I'm so confused and torn over this.

 

Is this common for every man that strays to be torn between kids and mistress. I cant tell her about affair as I cant let her feel that pain, I'd rather separate and live alone for awhile and then slowly date mistress. Is that wrong? How many have ended their affair and managed to draw close to wife and make it work?

Edited December 30, 2015 by DirtyHarry

[purplesorrow]

Why did you marry if you were so incompatible sexually? If you don't see your wife that way, you likely never will. Just free her to find someone that will love her for her and not betray her because of it. You will all adapt to life after divorce.

[ladydesigner]

We have had numerous troubles, she wanted a divorce a few times and I wonder why at those times I didnt say yes, specially before a kid complicated it. I guess each time she asked for one I lost a piece of us and slowly prepared for the worst. The last time she brought it up I actually did want it, she threatened to go stay with sister and then I told her she better. But then did a u-turn and didnt want to go. I was done and emotionally over it even though it meant my little boy might never understand why I'm not at home.

 

Why is your wife asking for a D? Have you both addressed the problems in the M or just brushed them under the rug?

 

Having an A is not doing what's right so maybe should start there. If D is what YOU want then I think it would be best to proceed with that. If your desire is not to D then working on the M seems the most viable. You cannot work on M while in an A though.

[sandylee1]

- Make an appointment with a divorce attorney to see how things would be in a divorce.

- Grant your wife a divorce, so she can find a more compatible man.

- Discuss joint custody and always have your son's best interest at heart.

- Then be with your mistress.

 

Don't be a poor example of a father by cheating and lying..... it's not worth it.

 

If you love your mistress ....stop hiding her and sneaking around ... start living an authentic life and be honest.

[HereNorThere]

Right now it's all about my boy... how do I separate and see less of him. What would he think, how would he cope. Divorce hits a kid really hard and he's a real daddy's boy, follows me everywhere.

 

Just going to have to stop you right there. Look, this isn't about your kid at all. In fact, your kid was an after, afterthought. Right now this is all about your wants, desires and lack of impulse control. You chose banging a college chick over your kid's future, straight up. If it was all about your kid, you would have done everything in your power to make sure he didn't have to bear the burden of coming from a broken home. Your cheating put him in a significantly higher risk group for problems, so it's silly to think that you actually put him first.

 

You do realize how fickle 24 year old girls are, right? Lol @ soulmates. Man, you're so lost in the fog it's ridiculous.

 

Let me explain how this is going to end for you....... Alone.

[DirtyHarry]

Why did you marry if you were so incompatible sexually? If you don't see your wife that way, you likely never will. Just free her to find someone that will love her for her and not betray her because of it. You will all adapt to life after divorce.

 

I am not 100% sure of that. I had doubts sometimes. I guess I felt this is how it is, all married men complained about sex being crap or not enough. I used to desire her and was always keen to have sex. But after time always feeling like begging for it I began to withdraw.

 

 

Why is your wife asking for a D? Have you both addressed the problems in the M or just brushed them under the rug?

 

Having an A is not doing what's right so maybe should start there. If D is what YOU want then I think it would be best to proceed with that. If your desire is not to D then working on the M seems the most viable. You cannot work on M while in an A though.

 

Most of our stuff has been dealing with family putting on us too much and her putting them first. Then when I'm not happy I'm labelled the arsehole, the selfish cunt because I want space from her family. I think a defining point was being told her family will always come first so guess I'm second at best. Other frustration came from after a week working in the city I would like to just chill at home on weekends but she would want to go out all the time. And this caused fights. Different interests I guess.

 

 

- Make an appointment with a divorce attorney to see how things would be in a divorce.

- Grant your wife a divorce, so she can find a more compatible man.

- Discuss joint custody and always have your son's best interest at heart.

- Then be with your mistress.

 

Don't be a poor example of a father by cheating and lying..... it's not worth it.

 

If you love your mistress ....stop hiding her and sneaking around ... start living an authentic life and be honest.

 

The plan is to see a marriage counselor. Take it from there. I dont know what they can do when mistress aside I finally just dont see us being more than two friends sharing a house and raising a kid together. Which I find very sad that it's ended up here.

 

I want to be a good example to my kid and also feel good about myself. I need to find a path and stick to it. Living apart from my kid will probably be the hardest I will ever have to do.......

[Ladyjane14]

Don't bother. Just show her this thread. Problem solved.

[RightThere]

Straight up, you just need to tell your wife. Don't pretend that you're trying to save her from pain. Really you're just saving yourself the embarrassment of her knowing you are a cheater.

 

Once you are both honest about your situations, then you can decide where to go and what to do. Until then, you're just dancing around all the things that are wrong in your relationship.

 

Also you can pretend to leave your wife and "slowly" date your OW, but I'm sure you know deep down that isn't going to happen. You'll jump right into that relationship once your wife is out of sight.

 

What you are doing to looking for the easy road. But nothing will actually get resolved for either of you.

[BettyDraper]

Just going to have to stop you right there. Look, this isn't about your kid at all. In fact, your kid was an after, afterthought. Right now this is all about your wants, desires and lack of impulse control. You chose banging a college chick over your kid's future, straight up. If it was all about your kid, you would have done everything in your power to make sure he didn't have to bear the burden of coming from a broken home. Your cheating put him in a significantly higher risk group for problems, so it's silly to think that you actually put him first.

 

You do realize how fickle 24 year old girls are, right? Lol @ soulmates. Man, you're so lost in the fog it's ridiculous.

 

Let me explain how this is going to end for you....... Alone.

 

This. OP, just own your selfishness for what it is. Parents who care about their children do not take gambles with their living situations.

 

The vast majority of 24 year old girls do not want a long term relationship with a divorced father who is nearly 40. Give your head a shake.

 

It is also foolish to think that good sex is the only aspect of a healthy relationship that matters. Sex is very important but there needs to be other commonalities as well.

 

If you don't want a divorce, leave your mistress, confess your affair and see if your wife is interested in staying with you. If so,

get into marriage counseling. See if you can salvage what is left of your marriage. Sex therapy may be in order as well.

Edited December 31, 2015 by BettyDraper

[katielee]

You say the lack of sex caused you to stray - nope - your lack of integrity caused you to stray.

For starters, take full blame for what you've done. You had other options. Honorable ones...

[BetrayedH]

I'm going to keep this simple because, well, it is simple. It's just not easy.

 

When your marriage became unsatisfying, you had two choices that were logical, ethical, healthy, and moral (I'm guessing from your post that an affair violates your personal standards). Those choices were either to fix your marriage or leave it. Meant gently, due to your own cowardice, excessive need for external validation, and selfishness you've given yourself a third option. That's where you went wrong. Knock that off.

 

My advice...get back to those two choices. Break it off with your affair partner. Be honest with your wife, who doesn't deserve to bear the sole guilt of a divorce and broken family. And have a serious discussion with her about option 1 or option 2. Give her the respect of making an informed decision. And make your own informed decision without the influence of an affair partner in the mix. Do this (the right thing) and you'll regain some level of integrity and self-pride. Keep giving yourself a third option, like you have been, and I'm not sure what you've got to be proud of. You'll just eventually hurt two women, your son, and yourself.

[DirtyHarry]

I'm going to keep this simple because, well, it is simple. It's just not easy.

 

When your marriage became unsatisfying, you had two choices that were logical, ethical, healthy, and moral (I'm guessing from your post that an affair violates your personal standards). Those choices were either to fix your marriage or leave it. Meant gently, due to your own cowardice, excessive need for external validation, and selfishness you've given yourself a third option. That's where you went wrong. Knock that off.

 

My advice...get back to those two choices. Break it off with your affair partner. Be honest with your wife, who doesn't deserve to bear the sole guilt of a divorce and broken family. And have a serious discussion with her about option 1 or option 2. Give her the respect of making an informed decision. And make your own informed decision without the influence of an affair partner in the mix. Do this (the right thing) and you'll regain some level of integrity and self-pride. Keep giving yourself a third option, like you have been, and I'm not sure what you've got to be proud of. You'll just eventually hurt two women, your son, and yourself.

 

You right, so easy we tend to justify our course of action vs taking full responsibility for it. I'll be honest I can man up to many things but not hurting her and either way I'm hurting her.

 

She's a great woman but not 100% suited for me. In fact any man that would be lucky to have her would have an incredible wife. But once again things that are important to me aren't so much for her and I find myself torn between finding true happiness/contentment or try make something work that clearly hasn't been working for me. A marriage held together purely for a kid seems wrong and we both agree and therapist agrees and many friends who are divorced agree. But who knows of a happily divorce couple?

 

 

And to the others on the age gap.. yes.. I have sat many nights asking myself. WTF are you thinking?? I've always said woman only start to come right after 25/26 hell even my therapist agreed. But then she has parents with similar age gap of 10 or 12 years and she's about to turn 24 so we basically 13 years apart. This must be my mid life crisis!!!

[katielee]

 

She's a great woman but not 100% suited for me. In fact any man that would be lucky to have her would have an incredible wife. But once again things that are important to me aren't so much for her and I find myself torn between finding true happiness/contentment or try make something work that clearly hasn't been working for me.

 

I think you are still justifying... so what if she's not suited for you? How are you giving yourself permission to cheat because of what SHE'S not giving you? Do you realize how selfish this is? You want your needs met AND to be with your kid. What about living honorably? Why isn't THAT a consideration.

And if your wife is great (and I believe you here) then why not act honorably to the mother of your child. Let HER find someone who DOES love her 100%!

 

This is still all about you....

[JamesM]

If your affair is not about sex, then what would happen if your new wildly sexual partner no longer shared your same interest in sex? Would you still stay with her?

 

Or would you begin looking for someone one who was your "sexual soulmate?"

 

Do what others have said for your sake, your wife's sake and your OW's sake:

 

Be honest with yourself and your wife. Tell her what you have said here. Tell her she is a great woman and mother but not 100% compatible with you. Tell her that you want out.

 

Now imagine her and you divorced with you and this new soul mate together while your son is over for the weekend. How does that picture seem to you?

 

Is your OW really so exciting because of what she has or is it because of what you don't have?

 

I know what a sexless marriage is. I also know that an affair would only complicate things rather than make things better.

 

Better yet, tell your wife that she is welcome to get her sexual appetite filled with someone else if she would like, and you will do (or have done rather) the same. This way you can keep your family together for your son.

 

Would you be okay with an open marriage? Would you be okay with another man being your wife's sexual soul mate since you have found yours? This way you both could stay together and keep your son happy.

 

Think about it. What you have is an illusion to cover up an unhappy situation.

[Popsicle]

Time to demonized the other woman. It's the only thing that will work for you at this stage.

[Popsicle]

Don't be afraid of divorce. You will see your kid several times a week if both you and your wife want that. I am divorced and our kids are doing great. They have always seen their dad several times a week, including staying/sleeping there and never a complaint or problem. They just have two homes, with two caring parents. It's actually nice for them because they like the change of scenery at certain times. And at any moment if they want to see the other parent, they just do exactly that, as we only live a few minutes away from each other.

 

I do recommend just being alone for a while if you do divorce. You can date the OW for a while but don't introduce her Into your and the kids life for a while. You need a little space.

Edited December 31, 2015 by Popsicle

[JamesM]

Time to demonized the other woman. It's the only thing that will work for you at this stage.

 

No, she actually is often the innocent party in all of this despite what the BWs may say. Yes, there are some OWs that actively seek out the affair, but in reality if the husband was happy at home or did not look for an affair due to selfish reasons, the OW would not have even been a part of the problem.

 

My guess is that this OW only came into the picture because Harry felt that getting sex once a day just wasn't enough.

[oldshirt]

children are harmed by abuse, neglect, being in an environment of chronic conflict/hostility and being abandoned by one or both parents.

 

 

Children are not harmed by being loved and supported and nurtured by two loving, involved and supportive parents who happen to live in two separate homes.

 

 

It sounds like your wife really isn't all-in with the marriage either. Is there any reason to believe that she would not be agreeable to an amicable and cooperative divorce and wouldn't be reasonable in negotiating and working out a cooperative division of marital property/assets and working out a reasonable coparenting arrangement?

[minimariah]

you need to realize two things --

 

Separate and maybe try with mistress but that's a gamble.

 

EVERYTHING is a gamble. absolutely EVERYTHING. right now -- you're not trying to do right by your wife or even your child; you're trying to find the safest option which is why you have a problem being with the OW immediately.

 

a little bit of a madonna -- whore complex going on, definitely.

 

Right now it's all about my boy... how do I separate and see less of him.

 

EVERYTHING comes with a price. absolutely EVERYTHING.

 

if you decide to divorce -- you will see your child half of the time, you'll miss out on that period when he's with his mother & he will most definitely feel some consequences of being a child from a "broken" home. if you decide to stay married - you won't be the happiest man on Earth, that much is clear.

 

so pick your poison, make a decision & stick with it. every choice comes with some negative sides & that's something you'll have to learn how to live it - part of growing up. with every choice, you'll get a little pack of regrets.

 

and in the future -- do NOT marry someone you're not 100% sure about & learn how to work on marital problems from the beginning... because, let's be real, you didn't try to make your marriage work at all. NOW you wanna try, when you gave it a final death blow. too late.

Edited December 31, 2015 by minimariah

[minimariah]

No, she actually is often the innocent party in all of this despite what the BWs may say. Yes, there are some OWs that actively seek out the affair, but in reality if the husband was happy at home or did not look for an affair due to selfish reasons, the OW would not have even been a part of the problem.

 

with this logic -- the MMs are often the innocent party because a lot of them actually DON'T look for the affair; many don't even realize something is missing in the marriage or how vulnerable their marriage is until they meet someone new; add poor boundaries to that and you have an affair.

 

the main reason the OWs/OMs aren't considered innocent is the fact that most definitely KNEW that their partner was married -- from the very beginning.

 

so if Harry's OW said NO! to the married man trying to hook up with her -- she wouldn't have any of the problems she's having now.

[stillafool]

- Make an appointment with a divorce attorney to see how things would be in a divorce.

- Grant your wife a divorce, so she can find a more compatible man.

- Discuss joint custody and always have your son's best interest at heart.

- Then be with your mistress.

 

Don't be a poor example of a father by cheating and lying..... it's not worth it.

 

If you love your mistress ....stop hiding her and sneaking around ... start living an authentic life and be honest.

 

100% agree. If you are in love with your mistress, don't feel it for your wife anymore, you know things are not going to change, just divorce! Why keep your wife hanging on when it is another woman you want. You and your wife are not sexually compatible. Your wife isn't frigid she is just incompatible with you. Let her go so she can have the man who gives her a soul mates sexual experience like you have. You will still be able to see and be the father to your son. No one can take that away from you. I don't know why you are fretting over this.

[JamesM]

with this logic -- the MMs are often the innocent party because a lot of them actually DON'T look for the affair; many don't even realize something is missing in the marriage or how vulnerable their marriage is until they meet someone new; add poor boundaries to that and you have an affair.

 

Actually I agree that some of them are not looking for an affair, and SOME OWs do lead them into one. Many MMs do not realize how vulnerable they are and let themselves go step by step into an affair because they do not acknowledge their weakness.

 

the main reason the OWs/OMs aren't considered innocent is the fact that most definitely KNEW that their partner was married -- from the very beginning.

 

Note I used the word "many" and not "most."

 

And just like MMs like to think they "ended up in an affair," the same thing applies to OWs. They find themselves in an affair when either they did not know the man was married (which happens more than is realized due to lies) or did not expect to let it go that far.

 

so if Harry's OW said NO! to the married man trying to hook up with her -- she wouldn't have any of the problems she's having now.

 

Agree.

 

My use of the word innocent may have been different than my thought was. My meaning is more who is the perpetrator. Many MM and MW like to think that they were "dragged" into an affair due to the actions of the OW/OM. Many BSs can think this too. Yet often it is the active searching of the WS that led to the affair. Many OWs and OMs were actually dragged into the affair.

 

Looking at my past posts, you can see that I have seen this both ways.

 

In this case, there is a perceived need unfulfilled, or rather hunger or desire unfulfilled. So the MM "ended up in an affair" to satisfy that hunger. Not knowing the whole story since it doesn't say that the OW knew he was married, I cannot say what the motives or thoughts were of her.

[DirtyHarry]

Don't be afraid of divorce. You will see your kid several times a week if both you and your wife want that. I am divorced and our kids are doing great. They have always seen their dad several times a week, including staying/sleeping there and never a complaint or problem. They just have two homes, with two caring parents. It's actually nice for them because they like the change of scenery at certain times. And at any moment if they want to see the other parent, they just do exactly that, as we only live a few minutes away from each other.

 

I do recommend just being alone for a while if you do divorce. You can date the OW for a while but don't introduce her Into your and the kids life for a while. You need a little space.

 

Honestly this is exactly what I would intend to do if we end up there. Stay close and find my feet on my own. Obviously I'd probably, no I would see the other one on the side but I've said to her already if that happened it would be to do what's right and not stay in a false marriage and I'd need to get used to being on my own and also she cant be introduced to the family just yet.

[DirtyHarry]

No, she actually is often the innocent party in all of this despite what the BWs may say. Yes, there are some OWs that actively seek out the affair, but in reality if the husband was happy at home or did not look for an affair due to selfish reasons, the OW would not have even been a part of the problem.

 

My guess is that this OW only came into the picture because Harry felt that getting sex once a day just wasn't enough.

 

I'd say she is the innocent one here. She was hired as a temp PA for 2 weeks like I've had numerous assistance before and never had any issues. But something was different with her. From the first day something clicked and grew from there.

 

She has tried to break it off a few times because it wasn't right and has showed my marriage more respect than I have.

 

I always said I never wanted an affair, it's not right and way too much hassle and then I end up in one.

 

But 3 months before she came along in summer wife and I were sitting at a pub and ended up talking to a couple together both from previous marriages. When I was alone with them I wanted to ask "how has it all worked out, are you happy?" This feeling has been around long before the OW came along, for the last year and half. I've just ended up becoming a cheater ******* before doing what was right.

 

I can openly say I need to man the fk up and sort this out.

[RightThere]

I'd say she is the innocent one here. She was hired as a temp PA for 2 weeks like I've had numerous assistance before and never had any issues. But something was different with her. From the first day something clicked and grew from there.

 

She has tried to break it off a few times because it wasn't right and has showed my marriage more respect than I have.

 

I always said I never wanted an affair, it's not right and way too much hassle and then I end up in one.

 

But 3 months before she came along in summer wife and I were sitting at a pub and ended up talking to a couple together both from previous marriages. When I was alone with them I wanted to ask "how has it all worked out, are you happy?" This feeling has been around long before the OW came along, for the last year and half. I've just ended up becoming a cheater ******* before doing what was right.

 

I can openly say I need to man the fk up and sort this out.

 

It's not wrong that you don't love your wife anymore. That happens and is totally normal. It's also totally normal to realize you have more in common with other people than with your wife.

 

But you obviously realize you took the most destructive path and now it is time to man up. It won't be easy, but being honest about everything will cause some temporary paid for your wife, but in the long run she won't have a bunch of unanswered questions or things she doesn't understand that would eat her up long term.