Mother-in-law/wife issues

[chicagoj]

Hello,

 

My wife and I are currently separated and trying to patch things up. We've been talking for the last couple of months while she is living in our home and I am in an apartment.

 

To say our separation was messy would be an understatement. The short of it is that I left and moved in with a friend and then immediately realized what a terrible mistake I had made. I began going to a therapist to deal with issues (last two months) and it has helped a great deal. My wife has agreed to go with me to my next appointment (January 19th, he's been on vaca for the holidays) to discuss things.

 

I should also mention that we have two young children, ages six and two. Throughout the separation I have kept as close to them as possible, having them stay nights with me whenever I could and I call and talk to them on the phone on nights that I do not get to see them.

 

Here's the issue: my wife has lived under the thumb of her mother her entire life. Her mother, I am convinced, has borderline personality disorder. I've talked to my therapist about this and he has said, flat out, that's exactly what it sounds like. I've done a little bit of research of the symptoms on my own and her mother definitely has several (more than five) BPD symptoms.

 

She's making it very difficult for my wife and I because my wife doesn't want to deal with it. I can understand that, perfectly, but it is very difficult to deal with at times. I have done my best to keep my mouth shut because I don't want to make it any more difficult on my wife, but it's hard at times because we're two different kind of people.

 

If it were me, I would just put it right out there (the things about us getting back together, my wife has told me she wants to get back together) and deal with it sooner rather than later, but my wife procrastinates when it comes to her mom.

 

She's told her mother point blank that she wants to still be with me, which makes me very happy, but at the same time my wife hides things about she and I from her mom.

 

Example:

 

A couple years ago my wife lost her wedding ring. We were both torn up over it and money was tight at the time so didn't replace it. Last Sunday I told her I wanted to replace her ring and I did - we ordered one that she wanted and are having it sent to my work. She told me after it was ordered that she didn't want for anyone to know that she picked it out and said she thought it would be better to tell people that I just bought it on my own and gave it to her.

 

Honestly, I was fine with that. At first, anyhow. Then as I began to think about it I realized that it all went back to her mother and how she was worried about what her mom would say and/or think.

 

I am trying to be patient with all this, but it's difficult. If anyone has any advice on how to handle this situation I would really appreciate it.

 

Thanks.

[Tayla]

You've started counseling. Great!

Get another counselor though, only a medical license doctor can diagnose a personality disorder. labeling them without medical knowledge is debilitating. Has your Mil met with this counselor?

 

I think you and your mrs will do fine. You both are repairing the foundation.

Her mother doesn't sound intrusive, probably more motherly in her protective concerns.

 

Glad that the kids are staying the focal point.

 

A+ for getting her a ring. Thats kind.

[chicagoj]

You've started counseling. Great!

Get another counselor though, only a medical license doctor can diagnose a personality disorder. labeling them without medical knowledge is debilitating. Has your Mil met with this counselor?

 

I think you and your mrs will do fine. You both are repairing the foundation.

Her mother doesn't sound intrusive, probably more motherly in her protective concerns.

 

Glad that the kids are staying the focal point.

 

A+ for getting her a ring. Thats kind.

 

Actually the guy I am seeing is an MD. I should clarify as well, I don't spend my time talking about my mother-in-law and her problems, she's just come up a few times and he's given his opinion, that's all. I don't have a lot of experience with psychiatrists, but I really like him.

 

Her mother likes to say things to my wife like:

 

"Oh if he's moving back in, I just won't come around anymore..."

 

and

"If I can't handle you two getting back together, I'll just liquidate my assets and move away..."

 

You see, she says these things because she knows that is exactly what'll get under my wife's skin.

 

I do have to give my wife credit, however, because last month she had finally had enough of it and told her mother that she didn't want those things to happen but that she couldn't control what she -her mom- did and if she wanted to "not come around anymore" or "move away" then she couldn't stop her from doing it.

 

The last four times (yes, I am keeping track mentally) that I've seen her mother she's been somewhat friendly - speaking to me while being somewhat pleasant I should say.

 

My wife and I talk or text almost everyday. She tells me that she loves me, and I do believe her, but it's so damn hard being away from her and my kids. I screwed up, I fully admit that, but I am trying my hardest to make amends and my wife is aware of that (she's told me as much). This mother-in-law thing though... I just don't know. When we first began talking again her mother constantly ran me into the ground to my wife but I think she's realized now that my wife wants me to come home and so she's stopped.

 

Still though, I am just having a very difficult time seeing it happen. My friends, the few family members I talk to about my situation, and my therapist say that it just takes time, and my rational mind realizes that... but wow it's difficult.

[Mr. Lucky]

Her mother likes to say things to my wife like:

 

"Oh if he's moving back in, I just won't come around anymore..."

 

and

"If I can't handle you two getting back together, I'll just liquidate my assets and move away..."

 

You see, she says these things because she knows that is exactly what'll get under my wife's skin.

 

Your problem isn't with your MIL, it's with your wife. No one makes her listen to this nonsense.

 

This mother-in-law thing though... I just don't know. When we first began talking again her mother constantly ran me into the ground to my wife

 

Again, just what your MIL wants - your wife listens and then passes it along to you, creating problems for your marriage.

 

Your wife needs healthy boundaries and the will to enforce them. People in healthy relationships don't allow negativity or toxic people in their lives, relatives or not. Your MIL won't change what she's doing so the ball's in your wife's court...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BettyDraper]

Your wife and her mother have had an unhealthy relationship for a long time and it will be hard to break those patterns. It sounds like your MIL is a very controlling and manipulative woman. She may be feeling protective of her daughter but there are better ways to convey that. Giving ultimatums is destructive and undermining.

 

Your wife needs counseling to learn how to set boundaries with her mother and stop looking for her mother's approval. When a couple chooses to get married, their allegiances need to shift to their spouses and the new family they create.

It sounds like your wife is starting to stand up to her mother which is great. However, she has to learn to be okay with her mother disliking her choices.

 

My very first post on this forum was about my MIL and her hateful comments. My husband is very good at politely telling his mother to back off.

She gets sulky and rude but we don't allow that to change our viewpoints or decisions.

[chicagoj]

Everything that's been said here is true, and I have known this for quite some time, sadly. I guess in my own foolishness I had hoped that things would get better with time but old habits die hard.

 

I cannot force my wife to go to a therapist, and I am in a position where I do not want to push certain issues. I was the one who left her and then realized that I had made a terrible mistake. She's been to a therapist in the past -alone- one time and then didn't go back. I didn't ask why because I felt that it was her decision and was something that she needed to work out on her own. At the same time I made it very clear that I would help her in this regard any way that I could if she'd let me.

 

She has mentioned before however that she was afraid to seek counseling because "she knew what the person would tell her about her mother" - those are her words almost verbatim. Understand that I love this woman and our children dearly but when she says things like "I'm the one who has to deal with it" (talking about her mother) I really want to respond with:

 

Yes, and I am the one dealing with you dealing.

 

At this point I don't know what to do or how to handle this situation and it feels like time just keeps going on without anything getting better. Sure there have been steps forward: her telling me she loves me, letting me replace her wedding ring, letting me come to the house and spend time with her and the kids together, but she's also hiding these things from her mother.

 

Last night is a perfect example of what I'm saying here. Her friend is having a New Years party that is kid friendly so we are supposed to go together with our children. I brought it up last night on the phone and casually asked if he mom knew that I was going with them. She responded with:

 

"She knows that I'm going, but not that you're going."

 

I couldn't help but sigh inwardly when she told me that. Here we go again with this. I asked if she didn't think it was better that her mother knew instead of making it look like she was hiding the fact that I was going and I got the "I'm the one who has to deal with it" response. Were it me I'd rather just get it out in the open and deal with it sooner rather than later, but that doesn't matter because it isn't me.

 

But, in the meantime, I sit here wondering what's going on and what's going to happen.

[Mr. Lucky]

Last night is a perfect example of what I'm saying here. Her friend is having a New Years party that is kid friendly so we are supposed to go together with our children. I brought it up last night on the phone and casually asked if he mom knew that I was going with them. She responded with:

 

"She knows that I'm going, but not that you're going."

 

I couldn't help but sigh inwardly when she told me that. Here we go again with this. I asked if she didn't think it was better that her mother knew instead of making it look like she was hiding the fact that I was going and I got the "I'm the one who has to deal with it" response. Were it me I'd rather just get it out in the open and deal with it sooner rather than later, but that doesn't matter because it isn't me.

 

Why do you give your MIL's opinion of you, as filtered through your wife, so much importance? Perhaps besides your wife's need for better boundaries, you need a thicker skin in this regard.

 

You know she's biased and meddlesome, why not just screen out anything she says? You might also simply tell your wife you don't want to hear it - period! You can't control what they do but can manage your reaction to it...

 

Mr. Lucky

[66Charger]

I agree and I think you are not chosing your battles wisely. Where is your "male selective hearing button"?

 

If your wife, children and marriage are so important to you, put the MIL on ignore, Be polite and stop making excuses. Get your family back and enjoy your life. If you allow her to derail your reconciliation, its your own fault. Her mother will be her mother until the day she dies. GET OVER IT.

 

Make love, not war.

[chicagoj]

Why do you give your MIL's opinion of you, as filtered through your wife, so much importance? Perhaps besides your wife's need for better boundaries, you need a thicker skin in this regard.

 

You know she's biased and meddlesome, why not just screen out anything she says? You might also simply tell your wife you don't want to hear it - period! You can't control what they do but can manage your reaction to it...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

You're right, of course, on both accounts. Funny thing is that the wife and I both agreed not to talk about her mother when we're together. So then why did I ask in the first place, right? No kidding.

[sandylee1]

If the MIL wasn't keen on you to begin with. ..then you leaving her daughter would have reinforced her feelings. Perhaps she's afraid you'll let her daughter down again. I know I'd be upset if something like this happened to my daughters in years to come.

 

Asides from you leaving her daughter... and the kids Why doesn't she like you? Were you a good husband to her daughter?

What have you done to give her a negative opinion of yourself?

 

Even when my H is wrong about something. .. my mom never says it to him....... she'd only speak out if he was treating me poorly.

 

I generally find that the worse MILS are the husbands mother.. not the wife's...is there more than what you've told us here?

 

I don't think my mom would be singing my H's praises if he walked out on me and two kids.

 

I'm just playing devil's advocate here and remember...your wife likely was upset when you left and confided in her mother. If you were the source of her daughters upset..you can understand a little how she feels.

 

At a point she needs to let you guys figure things out....but some parents struggle to let go ...and not lookout for their kids in this way..moms are very protective.

[chicagoj]

Back in October when my wife and I began talking about about reconciling, we both agreed that with the holidays quickly approaching we would take things slow and 'keep the peace' during Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years. There weren't any expectations made or timelines set for after the holidays, but we did both agree that we wouldn't move forward any further than we already were.

 

Now the holidays are over and things have begun feeling strange. She told me last night that she felt as though I was under the impression that as soon as the holidays were over that we'd have -her words here- "some big step" that would take us further than we were. For the last three months I've done nothing but try and give her the space she's said she needed and have tried to help her out whenever I can. Then she says this last night and it confuses the hell out of me - especially because I cannot honestly think of anything I have done or said that would make her feel that way.

 

I can't help but feel that "the holidays" were a safe cushion for her and now that they're over she's feeling like I am going to try and pressure her into moving faster, which I have told her that I am not. At the same time, however, we're not making any progress forward - things are still the same as they have been. If I try and talk to her about it I get told that I am "pressuring her" and she either clams up or gets upset.

 

My therapist has been on vacation for the last three weeks and today, in about an hour actually, I am seeing him. Doesn't feel like our fifty minutes will be enough but I'll definitely take the fifty over nothing. She's also said that on my next appointment she will go with me (my therapist suggested this) so I want to believe that's a good thing but I cannot help feel the whole cushion feeling again and that right at the last minute she's unexpectedly not going to be able to make the session.

 

I talk to a friend who has been through a very messy divorce in the past and he keeps telling me to keep doing what I am doing (good things) and that eventually things will be good between my wife and I but I am having a very difficult time seeing the light at the end of the tunnel right now.

[chicagoj]

If the MIL wasn't keen on you to begin with. ..then you leaving her daughter would have reinforced her feelings. Perhaps she's afraid you'll let her daughter down again. I know I'd be upset if something like this happened to my daughters in years to come.

 

Asides from you leaving her daughter... and the kids Why doesn't she like you? Were you a good husband to her daughter?

What have you done to give her a negative opinion of yourself?

 

Even when my H is wrong about something. .. my mom never says it to him....... she'd only speak out if he was treating me poorly.

 

I generally find that the worse MILS are the husbands mother.. not the wife's...is there more than what you've told us here?

 

I don't think my mom would be singing my H's praises if he walked out on me and two kids.

 

I'm just playing devil's advocate here and remember...your wife likely was upset when you left and confided in her mother. If you were the source of her daughters upset..you can understand a little how she feels.

 

At a point she needs to let you guys figure things out....but some parents struggle to let go ...and not lookout for their kids in this way..moms are very protective.

 

I'm not going to argue with anything you've said here because I can see what you're saying, and I agree with what you're saying.

 

The problem here is that everything with our relationship seems to rely on keeping her mother happy. It isn't what she wants, or the kids, or me, it's all about keeping her mother happy. I know this is poisonous behavior, I can see it a mile away; it's very difficult coping with this kind of behavior. Here I am trying to do everything I can to keep the peace and to get back with my wife and at times it feels as though it's all for nothing if her mom can't be happy with the situation.

 

Yes, my wife needs therapy, she herself has even said as much. She's even went so far as to say that she's afraid to see a therapist because she knows what they will end up telling her about their relationship.

[LifeNomad]

Hello,

 

My wife and I are currently separated and trying to patch things up. We've been talking for the last couple of months while she is living in our home and I am in an apartment.

 

To say our separation was messy would be an understatement. The short of it is that I left and moved in with a friend and then immediately realized what a terrible mistake I had made. I began going to a therapist to deal with issues (last two months) and it has helped a great deal. My wife has agreed to go with me to my next appointment (January 19th, he's been on vaca for the holidays) to discuss things.

 

I should also mention that we have two young children, ages six and two. Throughout the separation I have kept as close to them as possible, having them stay nights with me whenever I could and I call and talk to them on the phone on nights that I do not get to see them.

 

Here's the issue: my wife has lived under the thumb of her mother her entire life. Her mother, I am convinced, has borderline personality disorder. I've talked to my therapist about this and he has said, flat out, that's exactly what it sounds like. I've done a little bit of research of the symptoms on my own and her mother definitely has several (more than five) BPD symptoms.

 

She's making it very difficult for my wife and I because my wife doesn't want to deal with it. I can understand that, perfectly, but it is very difficult to deal with at times. I have done my best to keep my mouth shut because I don't want to make it any more difficult on my wife, but it's hard at times because we're two different kind of people.

 

If it were me, I would just put it right out there (the things about us getting back together, my wife has told me she wants to get back together) and deal with it sooner rather than later, but my wife procrastinates when it comes to her mom.

 

She's told her mother point blank that she wants to still be with me, which makes me very happy, but at the same time my wife hides things about she and I from her mom.

 

Example:

 

A couple years ago my wife lost her wedding ring. We were both torn up over it and money was tight at the time so didn't replace it. Last Sunday I told her I wanted to replace her ring and I did - we ordered one that she wanted and are having it sent to my work. She told me after it was ordered that she didn't want for anyone to know that she picked it out and said she thought it would be better to tell people that I just bought it on my own and gave it to her.

 

Honestly, I was fine with that. At first, anyhow. Then as I began to think about it I realized that it all went back to her mother and how she was worried about what her mom would say and/or think.

 

I am trying to be patient with all this, but it's difficult. If anyone has any advice on how to handle this situation I would really appreciate it.

 

Thanks.

 

my humble opinion, by you leaving her you ended up pushing her to her mom even more. Would you rather she have a friend to cry to instead of her mom? a friend that will probably try to convince her to go out get drunk go home with a random dude

 

 

what are your goals? are you trying to work things out with ur wife? or still trying to leave her?

[chicagoj]

my humble opinion, by you leaving her you ended up pushing her to her mom even more. Would you rather she have a friend to cry to instead of her mom? a friend that will probably try to convince her to go out get drunk go home with a random dude

 

 

what are your goals? are you trying to work things out with ur wife? or still trying to leave her?

 

I see it exactly how you've put it - by leaving I pushed her further into her mother's manipulations.

 

My primary goal is to be with her again as a family. Yes, we're working on things as well. I've been seeing a therapist for the last couple of months and she is going to see him with me as of my next appointment.