Verbal Graffiti Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 My gf and a group of her friends go out to eat like once a week, when it's time to pay, one the guys in the group is always paying for her meal (at least 5 different occasions) while I'm there. There last time this occurred I wanted to pay and we were going back and forth on who's going to pay my gf's meal. Before all of this, me and my gf had an agreement that she will rather pay for her meal when going out. This guy pays for her meal and doesn't say anything. When the topic comes up, I told her that I'm not comfortable of another person paying for your meal and that its disrespectful. She looks at it like I'm getting mad for no reason and not even trying to look at my view as her bf. This then turned to a big argument. Was I in the wrong and is it okay for another guy to pay for my gf's meal.
GingerVixen Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 I think theoretically there is nothing wrong with the act per se, but it seems that this guy is trying to provoke or defy you. I would be upset if I were you too. Next time this happens pay for her meal and his meal. Maybe he will get the message.
Gaeta Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 one the guys in the group is always paying for her meal (at least 5 different occasions) while I'm there. Before all of this, me and my gf had an agreement that she will rather pay for her meal when going out. He's trying to teach you (by embarrassing you) how a gentleman is suppose to treat his girlfriend. 8
Xiomn Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 I'd be unhappy with that too, OP, sounds like he is trying to sneak his way out of the friendzone and the fact he is doing it right in your face is crazy since he knows you two are together. If your girlfriend doesn't see a problem with it and you have brought this up with her expressing your concerns and she thinks you're in the wrong that sounds way too fishy for my liking. I think you're right to be concerned and unhappy about this. Watch out OP, have you noticed any other actions from this guy getting too close to your girlfriend?
hhatesboys Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 But is SHE actually encouraging him to pay for her? It seems weird that you are mad at her about it. If that is the case, remember that the guy WANTS you to get mad/break you up/etc.
Friskyone4u Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 Your girlfriend could shut this down in less then a minute but the fact is she apparently does not want to. That is a big red flag. SWhy is she enjoying this attention from the SAME man with you sitting there. I hope she is not going out without you with him there. On top of that, if it ,makes you uncomfortable, she is showing you no respect by ignoring that this is bothering you. 3
Xiomn Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 5 times though...who pays for your girlfriends meal but NO ONE else's meal. That's just him trying to get his way with her by making him look more desirable than you to be honest. Have you noticed any actions from your girlfriend with him that make your further uncomfortable or is this an isolated instance? 1
Gaeta Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 I think that friend noticed that you let your girlfriend pay for her own meal and he is being a smart ass only to show you how cheap you are. 8
road Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 He's trying to teach you (by embarrassing you) how a gentleman is suppose to treat his girlfriend. I agree. I never let my wife pay for anything when we were dating. What can I say I am old school. A man is suppose to provide for his woman. This gesture when dating is to show the woman that you are generous, and willingly, and happily pick up the cost of courting her. Yes reality today most families are two income families. Well historically except for the wealthy and for a brief period of about 15 years after WWII most families were two income families. So it has always be historically the man's roll to demonstrate that he is mate potential because he is willing to provide when courting. Back in the caveman days Ug went out and hunted and brought back some Dino steaks. Now we just pay for the steak dinners. Either way we are doing our job. 1
Tayla Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 makes me wonder just who is pulling the strings here. Stop the train next time. When the waiter or waitress takes orders step up and say which person you are buying for. I personally am a dutch treat, to each their own. She could learn a bit on how to properly decline an offer to pay. No matter who is at the table. a true gent would ask, and not intercede when in the accompaniment of her bf. I seriously think as a previous poster stated, tell him to pay for yours since you come as a package deal.
Els Posted January 1, 2016 Posted January 1, 2016 My gf and a group of her friends go out to eat like once a week, when it's time to pay, one the guys in the group is always paying for her meal (at least 5 different occasions) while I'm there. There last time this occurred I wanted to pay and we were going back and forth on who's going to pay my gf's meal. Why on earth is there a need for a 'back and forth'? If you had actually wanted to pay, you could've just paid, geez. It's not like he's snatching your card/bills out of your hand and holding it over your head, is he? 2
Starsandshadows Posted January 1, 2016 Posted January 1, 2016 I'm shocked this guy is so blatant to do it in front of you. He seems to be trying to make a point and probably is in to your girl. She should be setting the guy straight when you were there and understanding your point
lollipopspot Posted January 1, 2016 Posted January 1, 2016 I'm not clear if you are trying to have this guy turned down because you going to pay, or if she is going to pay. If it's to have her pay - then of course she's going to let this guy do it instead. Wouldn't you? It's a gift. 2
bathtub-row Posted January 1, 2016 Posted January 1, 2016 I think you need to talk privately with this guy and let him know that his behavior is offensive to you and that you want it to stop. If he acts like he doesn't get it, or continues to do it, then you and your gf both should stop hanging out with him. While this is not something your gf created, she does need to understand that this guy's behavior is a territorial thing and she should not be party to someone so blatantly disrespecting you. This guy is also hoping to create arguments between the two of you so that you'll break up. Your gf needs to stop acting clueless about the seriousness of what he's doing. 1
WaitingForBardot Posted January 1, 2016 Posted January 1, 2016 I think you need to talk privately with this guy and let him know that his behavior is offensive to you and that you want it to stop. If he acts like he doesn't get it, or continues to do it, then you and your gf both should stop hanging out with him. While this is not something your gf created, she does need to understand that this guy's behavior is a territorial thing and she should not be party to someone so blatantly disrespecting you. This guy is also hoping to create arguments between the two of you so that you'll break up. Your gf needs to stop acting clueless about the seriousness of what he's doing. Talking to the guy is pointless, he's not a friend so why should he even care. This begins and ends with the gf; she could shut it down in an instant if she so desired. That she doesn't would make me question how invested she actually is in the relationship.
Samhain Posted January 1, 2016 Posted January 1, 2016 You agreed beforehand that she would pay for her own meal, why didn't you agree beforehand that you would pay for her meal? Sounds to me like he pays because he knows you won't, or don't really want to. Maybe he just has different views on women and mens roles when eating out to what you do. Are you perplexed because you think he's trying to steal your woman or because he's making you look cheap? 6
Gaeta Posted January 1, 2016 Posted January 1, 2016 I think it's one thing to agree to go dutch on dates and a completely different thing to not pick up your girlfriend's tab in a group meal. That's NOT a date! And in my opinion it looks bad you don't pick up her tab. She could always give you the $20 for her meal once back at home but in front of friends and family pick up that tab. Also how to solve this with the other man? I don't think solving it in private is the answer. I think it needs to be solved publicly just like this man is embarrassing you publicly. You're a man, solving this in private or having your girlfriend solve this for you is weak !! Next time you go out with that group, when the waitress is taking your order just tell her it will be one bill for you and your girlfriend and to give you the bill. Say it out loud so everyone's hears. 2
Wewon Posted January 1, 2016 Posted January 1, 2016 Obviously he's crossing a boundary and he knows it. This isn't some misunderstanding on his part otherwise he would be paying for the table. Guys, generally speaking, are opportunist and will look for these types of opportunities to grandstand and spread their tail feathers for others to see. He wants the accolades of being "a real man" or seen as a chivalrous. I say call him out publicly, not that you are going to pay, but jokingly tell pay for your meal, get your gas money, or something other boundary that he will not want to cross. You may even jokingly call him "Big Daddy" for the rest of the night. Yes, he will try to rebutt this by proclaiming what a gentleman he is, but the point will be made and he will be uncomfortable and can peacock elsewhere. 1
Gaeta Posted January 1, 2016 Posted January 1, 2016 Obviously he's crossing a boundary and he knows it. This isn't some misunderstanding on his part otherwise he would be paying for the table. Guys, generally speaking, are opportunist and will look for these types of opportunities to grandstand and spread their tail feathers for others to see. He wants the accolades of being "a real man" or seen as a chivalrous. . I agree with this. I say call him out publicly, not that you are going to pay, but jokingly tell pay for your meal, get your gas money, or something other boundary that he will not want to cross. You may even jokingly call him "Big Daddy" for the rest of the night. Yes, he will try to rebutt this by proclaiming what a gentleman he is, but the point will be made and he will be uncomfortable and can peacock elsewhere. But I am surprise that you, a man, are advising another man, to solve this matter in an indirect- passive aggressive way. I would not be impressed if my boyfriend took that road. I would much prefer 'my man' put his foot down and claim my bill as his instead of playing clown to get his message across. 1
Wewon Posted January 1, 2016 Posted January 1, 2016 But I am surprise that you, a man, are advising another man, to solve this matter in an indirect- passive aggressive way. I would not be impressed if my boyfriend took that road. I would much prefer 'my man' put his foot down and claim my bill as his instead of playing clown to get his message across. Actually, men mock each other this way all of the time its a very effective way to get a point across. Most of the nicknames that you hear guys call each other have a story/lesson behind them. I can promise you that this guy has some well planned rationalization that he's planning to whip out if confronted directly, strategically laced with "I'm old school", "the way I was raised" and other proclamations meant to set himself apart. Like I said, this guys is an opportunist and most likely has already considered how he was going to manipulate the situation. His rebuttles are probably already thought out as far as paying goes. However, he probably hasn't considered it from a boundary standpoint and certainly hasn't considered him being the butt of a joke or object of ridicule.
WaitingForBardot Posted January 1, 2016 Posted January 1, 2016 ... Also how to solve this with the other man? I don't think solving it in private is the answer. I think it needs to be solved publicly just like this man is embarrassing you publicly. You're a man, solving this in private or having your girlfriend solve this for you is weak !! ... When men hit on my wife, directly or indirectly, I fully expect her to tell them to pound sand, assuming she is not interested. If they persist after being rejected by her only then does it become my problem. So, if she had asked this guy to stop and he didn't, then I would agree it is something he needs to deal with himself. If she has not done this though, any amount of posturing, attempts to embarrass, etc., will accomplish nothing. 1
Gaeta Posted January 1, 2016 Posted January 1, 2016 Actually, men mock each other this way all of the time its a very effective way to get a point across. Most of the nicknames that you hear guys call each other have a story/lesson behind them. I can promise you that this guy has some well planned rationalization that he's planning to whip out if confronted directly, strategically laced with "I'm old school", "the way I was raised" and other proclamations meant to set himself apart. Like I said, this guys is an opportunist and most likely has already considered how he was going to manipulate the situation. His rebuttles are probably already thought out as far as paying goes. However, he probably hasn't considered it from a boundary standpoint and certainly hasn't considered him being the butt of a joke or object of ridicule. Very interesting. As a man do you think OP should solve this or his girlfriend should?
Gaeta Posted January 1, 2016 Posted January 1, 2016 When men hit on my wife, directly or indirectly, I fully expect her to tell them to pound sand, assuming she is not interested. If they persist after being rejected by her only then does it become my problem. So, if she had asked this guy to stop and he didn't, then I would agree it is something he needs to deal with himself. If she has not done this though, any amount of posturing, attempts to embarrass, etc., will accomplish nothing. Excellent point too. OP: Do you think your girlfriend is not rejecting this man to have her message come across that if you won't pay her meal another man will be happy to?
carhill Posted January 1, 2016 Posted January 1, 2016 Separate check for you and your lady. Consider a more intimate date instead of this group thing, for now anyway. I'm sure her 'group of friends' will understand since of course they all support and respect your relationship.
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