When does the sadness stop?

[thespacey1]

Hello all. I've posted here before but only in the breakup section. But since I've been having so many persistent thoughts and feelings of sadness and missing him then feeling strong,then back sad... I thought I should post this in this section.

 

It's been a year since I broke up/moved away from my ex. During that time there was a lot going on in my life. Quit job, relative passed away, extremely sad about my relationship ending, and several close relatives got married.while I'm always supportive of friends&family and their achievements, during this time I had to fake it for so many events.I was falling apart inside and some of the closest people to me acted like they didn't understand. I pushed through my job until I just couldn't take it anymore,so I resigned during a holiday.

 

I've started therapy. It helped a little. Therapist thinks I need a further evaluation. I haven't been able to reach the other Dr for some odd reason.

 

Are my feelings normal? I'm still thinking about my ex from time to time, after a whole year?? I'm tired of the thoughts and just want to forget him,like seriously. I've dated two guys since him. When I was with them the sadness did subside for a bit,but one of them noticed my sadness and told me how he couldn't continue to show his affection while I'm thinking about some other man... He was right but it's a struggle. I feel like it may some kind of separation anxiety issue that I have,I don't know...

 

If you could please provide feedback, I would truly appreciate it.

[Snakechammah]

The sadness will stop when YOU decide it will stop. Remember, you are in complete control of your emotions.

 

There are plenty of fishes in the sea. Your ex bf wasn't fantastic. The relationship was broken for a reason - the reason that will pave way for you to meet your true love. One that will eventually make you happy.

 

When one door closes, another one opens. You will be alright.

 

Happy 2016 - throw away your old thoughts and love yourself. Happiness comes from within. I wish you all the best!

[muse08]

OP, the grieving process is different for each person. You should read member that and allow yourself to feel the uos and downs of the process.

 

Were you the dumper or dumpee?

[Art_Critic]

When I came to LS it as because I couldn't shake a girl I was with for 6 months.. not sure how long it took me to get over the breakup but like you I had lost a relative.. two actually in a year and a half, a loved pet dog, gone thru a divorce and I think I was just tired of losing things that I was close too.. even though the breakup was my idea I still didn't want to lose another thing in my life...

 

My advice to you is just start dealing with the grieving of the losses one by one, grieve the loss of your relative and then maybe you will grieve the loss of your relationship.

 

I would go to my relatives grave site and just have a talk.. maybe once a week and I did that for a few weeks and things started getting better...

 

I hope you feel better and you will get thru this, look for the things that make you happiest and work from there.

[thespacey1]

The sadness will stop when YOU decide it will stop. Remember, you are in complete control of your emotions.

 

There are plenty of fishes in the sea. Your ex bf wasn't fantastic. The relationship was broken for a reason - the reason that will pave way for you to meet your true love. One that will eventually make you happy.

 

When one door closes, another one opens. You will be alright.

 

Happy 2016 - throw away your old thoughts and love yourself. Happiness comes from within. I wish you all the best!

 

Thanks. Though realistically its not that easy. I'll be ok for a chunk of time then I'll get a bit sad again. Thanks again

[thespacey1]

OP, the grieving process is different for each person. You should read member that and allow yourself to feel the uos and downs of the process.

 

Were you the dumper or dumpee?

 

I was the dumper (it was my decision). I moved out ...was gone a week&1/2 but he asked me to come back. He tried improving some things, but I think ultimately the fact that I was gone and he didn't know what I was doing, where I was or who I was with made him resent me and it showed in so many of his actions. For each set thing he did, he'd show anger or do something to deliberately hurt me. I should've never gone back...

 

So he's actually reached out to me sense the breakup and so have i but it's no good. He's reached out to me aw times, once to throw in my face where he was going without me, only to say to me, "you had your chance, you had me all to yourself"...Although I left for good reason, i.e. to take care of myself my emotional well being, somehow I've still felt a sense regret, second guessing myself and wondering what if...

 

I know I made the right decision... Hands down. I just want the memories of him to go away. The sadness could be coming from something else, but perhaps the breakup in combination with other stuff was just a trigger for my sadness.

[Marco Valerio]

Hello all. I've posted here before but only in the breakup section. But since I've been having so many persistent thoughts and feelings of sadness and missing him then feeling strong,then back sad... I thought I should post this in this section.

 

It's been a year since I broke up/moved away from my ex. During that time there was a lot going on in my life. Quit job, relative passed away, extremely sad about my relationship ending, and several close relatives got married.while I'm always supportive of friends&family and their achievements, during this time I had to fake it for so many events.I was falling apart inside and some of the closest people to me acted like they didn't understand. I pushed through my job until I just couldn't take it anymore,so I resigned during a holiday.

 

I've started therapy. It helped a little. Therapist thinks I need a further evaluation. I haven't been able to reach the other Dr for some odd reason.

 

Are my feelings normal? I'm still thinking about my ex from time to time, after a whole year?? I'm tired of the thoughts and just want to forget him,like seriously. I've dated two guys since him. When I was with them the sadness did subside for a bit,but one of them noticed my sadness and told me how he couldn't continue to show his affection while I'm thinking about some other man... He was right but it's a struggle. I feel like it may some kind of separation anxiety issue that I have,I don't know...

 

If you could please provide feedback, I would truly appreciate it.

 

Hi friend,

 

Of course it's normal, feelings and emotions are difficult to handle with, and also depends on the person too.

It will take you the time that you need, some times is months and others years.

You have to try to be strong enough every morning to keep moving forward. Some days you will win a few steps, others you will go back a step, but if you keep fighting you'll win for sure.

 

You are not responsible for your emotions or feelings, but you are responsible for the consequences and the actions you take from them. So fight my friend.

 

Happy new year.

[elephantflower]

Your feelings are normal because they are your feelings. You won't want to hear this but it takes as long as it takes.

 

I completely understand your feeling and I hope you get some relief soon.

[thespacey1]

Hi friend,

 

Of course it's normal, feelings and emotions are difficult to handle with, and also depends on the person too.

It will take you the time that you need, some times is months and others years.

You have to try to be strong enough every morning to keep moving forward. Some days you will win a few steps, others you will go back a step, but if you keep fighting you'll win for sure.

 

You are not responsible for your emotions or feelings, but you are responsible for the consequences and the actions you take from them. So fight my friend.

 

Happy new year.

 

Thank you so much. I am a fighter and will continue to do so. There's a lot involved in fighting , including explaining oneself to people because maybe I'm not my "normal" self, keeping away from certain people /exes who used to be a plan b since plan a didn't work out, etc

 

Nevertheless, your words are motivational.

 

Thanks again & happy 2016!

[thespacey1]

Your feelings are normal because they are your feelings. You won't want to hear this but it takes as long as it takes.

 

I completely understand your feeling and I hope you get some relief soon.

 

Yes, I do want to hear that... I want to hear "real" feedback from people who really know about heart break. Please feel free to share more, as you see fit.

 

Thank you & happy 2016.

[Bito]

Happy new year spacey!

 

Heartbreak is one of the most difficult things we humans go through. Very few people escape it's scorn. But this is a good thing. Heartbreak can help you to define who you are. It forces you to contemplate and really analyze why you feel the way you do.

 

It took me a solid year for the pain to stop. But I came out the other side a stronger more complete person. I would recommend not daiting for a while and give yourself the time you need to feel the emotions you have. They might seem like pointless suffering but they are their for reason.

 

Ultimately the choice is yours. You can face your sadness or you can run into another relationship, as a lot of people do.

 

Good luck!

Edited January 2, 2016 by Bito

[thespacey1]

Happy new year spacey!

 

Heartbreak is one of the most difficult things we humans go through. Very few people escape it's scorn. But this is a good thing. Heartbreak can help you to define who you are. It forces you to contemplate and really analyze why you feel the way you do.

 

It took me a solid year for the pain to stop. But I came out the other side a stronger more complete person. I would recommend not daiting for a while and give yourself the time you need to feel the emotions you have. They might seem like pointless suffering but they are their for reason.

 

Ultimately the choice is yours. You can face your sadness or you can run into another relationship, as a lot of people do.

 

Good luck!

Hello and thank you so much for the feedback... What was the toughest part of your breakup, if you don't mind my asking?

 

It's been about a year since my breakup now and I can definitely say that I'm emotionally better than I was a year ago. I was a COMPLETE mess. Now... Well, I'm only half a mess. Better , have seen another man, maintain other friendships with men, but honestly I still have thoughts of my ex... And say to myself sometimes how sad the situation was. I did what I felt I needed to do in order to maintain my sanity because he was becoming overbearing, controlling and full of baggage... More baggage that I thought I needed to be consumed with. But why did I feel so bad about breaking up with him?! Gosh!

 

I've seen him though twice since the BO. I would've seen him more, but when he initially asked to see me I backed out and decided it wasn't wise. I still know that the breakup happened for a reason, like everything in life.

 

I've discovered more about myself and his baggage since our BO. I wasnt perfect and he wasn't all bad. I think that makes it saddest... Thinking of the ways we made each other feel good and actually happy.

 

Guess it's just not enough...

[preraph]

It takes different people different lengths of time to mourn a breakup. Takes me a long time. But what I learned (you talked about faking it) is to make myself go out and stay busy at least. Your head is full of this depressing stuff and you have to go make new memories by doing things you enjoy or at least are interesting to you and make those bad feelings scoot over for the duration. My sister once said, "When you get tired of being miserable, you'll stop being miserable." Well, it's not always that easy because your mind can get in a rut, but that's why I say you have to make yourself stay active and not let it just take you over. Keep living. Don't let it shut you down. Best of luck. You're trying to help yourself, so you will get better.

[SethDamien]

My ex dumped me 2 years ago, im still trying to move on. But this shouldn't daunt you.

 

During the first month after our break up, I couldn't go for hours without breaking NC. I just had to beg and plead.

But as time passed, the increments have gone longer.

 

The following months, I could go for days feeling better about myself until i have the urge to contact her again. The following year, i keep breaking NC only once a week. today, I'm almost in my 1 month' NC.

 

We all have different ways in moving on, mine took longer but i'm happy every time i see progress. Its not as easy as saying "just move on" or "control your emotions". Believe me, if all of us could do that, nobody would ever have to experience the pain of heartbreak.

[thespacey1]

Yeah... You're both right. Healing time is different for everybody.

 

I REALLY agree with the fact that, if healing was easy no one would be on these websites posting about their experiences and how to get over it.

 

When I say I can't fake it, I mean that. I don't need anyone to tell me to fake it. When I fake my emotions it only sets me back... Because that would mean that I haven't actually dealt with my raw emotions or completely grieved.

 

I'm actually much better now than I was a year and 1/2 ago. I used to cry almost every other day. Now I'm all cried out, but I do still think of him. It's sad still mainly because I feel like he misunderstood me. And he was insecure and/or possessive in ways that I did not understand.---> then he'd displace his anger about one thing, onto something else which made it seem EXTRA screwy.

 

When I remember those crazy details, I'm thankful that I initiated our breakup. If not, I would've probably gone insane by now.

[SoulflowerChloe]

 

I'm actually much better now than I was a year and 1/2 ago. I used to cry almost every other day. Now I'm all cried out, but I do still think of him. It's sad still mainly because I feel like he misunderstood me. And he was insecure and/or possessive in ways that I did not understand.---> then he'd displace his anger about one thing, onto something else which made it seem EXTRA screwy.

 

When I remember those crazy details, I'm thankful that I initiated our breakup. If not, I would've probably gone insane by now.

 

With my recent separation, the bold statement I TOTALLY identify with. I only one month out and struggling to understand and cope with things. I feel like our fall out was based off of a misunderstanding, and he wouldn't even hear me out. It just seems petty. I guess that's what hurts most.

[K2z]

The sadness never stops. But it muffles. I absolutely loathe the phrases "move on" and "get over" -- instead my metaphor is that I am a tree and I grow around and encapsulate my pain with stronger, thicker rings of wood.

 

It's the difference between having your leg snapped in two, and having a leg that has healed together again but aches when it rains.

[Zapbasket]

Yeah... You're both right. Healing time is different for everybody.

 

I REALLY agree with the fact that, if healing was easy no one would be on these websites posting about their experiences and how to get over it.

 

When I say I can't fake it, I mean that. I don't need anyone to tell me to fake it. When I fake my emotions it only sets me back... Because that would mean that I haven't actually dealt with my raw emotions or completely grieved.

 

I'm actually much better now than I was a year and 1/2 ago. I used to cry almost every other day. Now I'm all cried out, but I do still think of him. It's sad still mainly because I feel like he misunderstood me. And he was insecure and/or possessive in ways that I did not understand.---> then he'd displace his anger about one thing, onto something else which made it seem EXTRA screwy.

 

When I remember those crazy details, I'm thankful that I initiated our breakup. If not, I would've probably gone insane by now.

 

Don't fake it. Well, perhaps in some scenarios, but definitely continue to seek out people with whom you can show your real feelings. Don't do what I did. In the aftermath of my breakup 2.5 years ago, I started a new job that put me in front of all kinds of people all day, every day. I was so heartbroken I could barely breathe but I had to hide all that so that I could function in my job. I had no close friends where I live, and so every day involved stuffing my feelings in front of others, and then having to face all the bottled-up despair when I got home. It was awful.

 

I say, "don't fake it" because all this time later, I've noticed I have residual almost PTSD-like symptoms from the extreme aloneness I felt during that time. I skied alone on Christmas Day, for instance, and found myself on an almost-deserted mountain in double-black trees without the whistle I usually carry when skiing such terrain alone. Normally I'd love having the trees to myself, but lately it just triggers too much. I sank into the middle of the trail and bawled my eyes out.

 

The thing is, when you go through a really rough time, a loss or what have you, you MUST have people around you to distract you, to listen, to reassure you by their presence that you are NOT alone. Anything else is traumatic. So don't do what I did. Keep reaching out; the people who are worth your confidence won't tire of hearing about your pain.

 

As for how long it takes, well, it takes as long as it takes. I've resigned myself to the fact that I'll never be "over" my breakup. It still hurts more than anything, but I've learned to live with the hurt and to move past it in my day-to-day endeavors. It was a profoundly, shockingly hurtful experience and always will be, but if I can use the hurt to inform me of what kind of relationships I want going forward, then it's a win. Same goes for you.

[thespacey1]

...I say, "don't fake it" because all this time later, I've noticed I have residual almost PTSD-like symptoms from the extreme aloneness I felt during that time. I skied alone on Christmas Day, for instance, and found myself on an almost-deserted mountain in double-black trees without the whistle I usually carry when skiing such terrain alone...

 

Wow,I can feel where you're coming from all too well greencove... The PTSD is real and goes so unnoticed during breakups. People underestimate the residual affects of a broken heart... I'm speaking about this so adamantly because I'm not a complainer. Even some of the most "street" DUDES say that I'm cold or don't communicate my feelings. (And I'm not proud of that... It actually makes me pretty sad.) But for me to say that this last breakup actually affected me to the point that a year and 1/2 later I'm still saddened, really baffles me.

 

When you do things(break up) for the right reason I just thought you were not supposed to feel this much pain for this long.

 

I too struggled and still am in some ways, going to work while pushing my true emotions to the side. I I have a job that puts me on "front street" everyday. I missed so many days of work... Not wanting to face people with my fake presentation of myself, when the expectation of my job is that I'm positive and upbeat and on top of things. It's only making my heart "harder" /tougher...Which i don't think is that good for a woman. We should be softer. I feel like I'm freak'n tough enough, I don't need to get any tougher. Is this a precursor for what's to come next in my life? I'm filled with dread sometimes wondering and asking God, what on earth am I being prepared for...? I can't take another heart break like this or strained relationship.

 

I went to therapy. She thought I needed further evaluation by a psychiatrist for anxiety. I never went because I thought I felt better one week or two, but I'd keep having triggers. Family and friend events where people are so detached from what you're going through that they get mad and start accusing you of being selfish when you set boundaries for your much needed alone/reflection time.

 

I miss my ex. I wanted the breakup, yes. I just wish I didn't feel this sad. Even the guy I started seeing+he's my friend got upset that my mind was so preoccupied with sadness and thoughts of my ex. But I couldn't help it. I can't be fake. But I also know that it's not fair to the next man, which is why I haven't tried becoming seriously involved just yet. It's crazy... I just hope that people who feel like I do, start feeling better and that people would start having more empathy rather than judgement.

Edited February 17, 2016 by thespacey1

[jesslindy]

Your words lay heavy on me. I feel for you. Healing takes all different kinds of time for all different kinds of people.

Find things that work for you. In my very humble opinion, you must have a soft spot in your heart for this guy. Maybe the vision of what it could have been???

Every situation is different. But what I do know is time does make it better. There are people we come across in this world, that will always remain in out hearts, no matter what they have done to us. Some people just can't be pushed into the part of our heart that doesn't love.

I'm afraid my current ex may be one of those people. I really hope she isnt, because I could never be with her again, and it will make it all that much harder to see her for the next 15 years because of our daughter.

Stay strong, find things that work. Surround yourself with good people. And just make a decision to realize that no matter what, this person is wrong for you in this current state, and the only way to find true happiness is to just let it go.

 

Good luck.

[thespacey1]

Your words lay heavy on me. I feel for you. Healing takes all different kinds of time for all different kinds of people.

Find things that work for you. In my very humble opinion, you must have a soft spot in your heart for this guy. Maybe the vision of what it could have been???

Every situation is different. But what I do know is time does make it better. There are people we come across in this world, that will always remain in out hearts, no matter what they have done to us. Some people just can't be pushed into the part of our heart that doesn't love.

I'm afraid my current ex may be one of those people. I really hope she isnt, because I could never be with her again, and it will make it all that much harder to see her for the next 15 years because of our daughter.

Stay strong, find things that work. Surround yourself with good people. And just make a decision to realize that no matter what, this person is wrong for you in this current state, and the only way to find true happiness is to just let it go.

 

Good luck.

Thank you jesslindy. Yes, he does have a soft spot in my heart. Maybe because:

 

• he was so passionate
  
• he was forthright about being unhappy with me being in the presence of certain males, even if it was for my job (no in not a stripper...)
  
• he did really nice things for me, but i think he sincerely felt like that was the MEAT way of how a"man "should take care of his woman,i.e. arm piece, buying her things. Yes that's nice, but how about not blowing up over everything . mood swings from hell...
  
• we spent lots of quality time together, sometimes too much.
  • our love making was great. we both knew and said that often
    
  • we could make each other laugh
    
  • he got his friend to contact me once while i was at work, to convince me not to leave him. mind you, this is an alpha male. he's used to getting respect, especially from his buddies in the streets. So when he knows I want to leave, he practically freaks out... in a manly way.
    

Edited February 17, 2016 by thespacey1

[thespacey1]

Thank you jesslindy. Yes, he does have a soft spot in my heart. Maybe because:

 

• he was so passionate
  
• he was forthright about being unhappy with me being in the presence of certain males, even if it was for my job (no in not a stripper...)
  
• he did really nice things for me, but i think he sincerely felt like that was the MEAT way of how a"man "should take care of his woman,i.e. arm piece, buying her things. Yes that's nice, but how about not blowing up over everything . mood swings from hell...
  
• we spent lots of quality time together, sometimes too much.
  • our love making was great. we both knew and said that often
    
  • we could make each other laugh
    
  • he got his friend to contact me once while i was at work, to convince me not to leave him. mind you, this is an alpha male. he's used to getting respect, especially from his buddies in the streets. So when he knows I want to leave, he practically freaks out... in a manly way.
    

I say all this because, in some perhaps twisted way I think it's a bit endearing that's he actually thinks he's doing the right thing... He's even told my family about things he's doing for us as if it were the MEAT... or forgetting to highlight the things I've done for " us ".

 

Also because we spent sooo much time together and that was the most serious relationship I'd ever been in. I'm sad that I had to make a decision to leave him because of his temper, baggage and immaturity although he was almost 40... Sad.

Edited February 17, 2016 by thespacey1

[jesslindy]

Anger is a man's number one predominant emotion.

It's all how we deal with it.

I've had real anger problems in the past. They can be exhausting for other people in a relationship, but they can be worked through. But it is hard, and takes time, and excersises in practicing how to deal with it in a healthy way have to be completed fully. Just like any other major behavioral problem.

I was your ex in my past, so I know full well it can be handled, and also know how exhausting it can be for you. I don't know about blowing up over every little thing, but angry none the less.

Hang in there.

Rituals have always worked for me. Look up rituals on letting go of someone. It seems silly but my final ritual to let someone go is to start a fire and burn some, not all, of my reminders, pictures, cards, letters. It has always helped me in the past.

Hang in there.

[thespacey1]

Anger is a man's number one predominant emotion.

It's all how we deal with it.

I've had real anger problems in the past. They can be exhausting for other people in a relationship, but they can be worked through. But it is hard, and takes time, and excersises in practicing how to deal with it in a healthy way have to be completed fully. Just like any other major behavioral problem.

I was your ex in my past, so I know full well it can be handled, and also know how exhausting it can be for you. I don't know about blowing up over every little thing, but angry none the less.

Hang in there.

Rituals have always worked for me. Look up rituals on letting go of someone. It seems silly but my final ritual to let someone go is to start a fire and burn some, not all, of my reminders, pictures, cards, letters. It has always helped me in the past.

Hang in there.

 

Helpful feedback.thank you.

 

If you don't mind my asking, were you the dumper or dumpee? If she left you, would you want or try to get her back? If not, why?

 

I don't have any more things that remind me of my ex. Well,actually I do have a few appliances that he insisted I keep and a few articles of clothing. I don't want to throw them away though... I did throw lots of things away that he bought simply because I didn't want them to remind me of him.

 

Even though time has passed,do you guys think he's still mad with me a little for ending our relationship?

[jesslindy]

My current ex left me with infidelity. So a completely different situation. If she would have stayed and worked it out, there was a slight chance we could have made it work, but most likely not. I'm dealing with a person that has borderline personality disorder and when they flip, they flip. The lies don't stop, they justify all their bad behavior, and just can't push themselves back into reality fast enough to fix things.

I don't think I could take her back, I have way too much self respect to be someone's plan b. This person will most likely be mad at me because I will.process this situation in a healthy way, and she will continue to feel that child emotion inside that allows her to lose empathy for other people. She will only come back when she really realizes how pretty damn good our lives were, what we had, and the life I was and could have given her. It will be too late then. It's already too late.

If he hasn't done anything to reflect on why you left, then most likely he is still angry, and may always be. If he's the kind of person that thinks, "hey I'm pretty awesome and someone out there will put up with me the way that I am." Then most likely he hasn't and doesn't want to understand his role in the breakdown of the relationship, and hence is probably still mad at you. Just a guess though.