Profound disappointment

[lana-banana]

I just experienced a severe professional disappointment. I don't want to get into details, but a short summary should suffice: I failed at something enormously important to me, something I've spent years working towards. There is no chance to try again or set it right. Yesterday was a blur of crying and dry heaving. I am so numb, defeated, lost.

 

My only choices now are languishing in my current career (which pays well but is unsatisfying, and reminds me of this failure) or start over completely. And the agony of the disappointment is gnawing at me like a sucking chest wound. My amazing boyfriend reminds me this was just one potential shot at happiness of many, and there is still so much more I can do. He's right, of course, but that doesn't eliminate all the sadness and disappointment I feel.

 

How do you deal with these feelings without falling into depression? What do you do? I don't doubt that things will eventually be OK but right now I feel like a zombie. I didn't sleep. I am trying to keep perspective, be grateful, etc and I can't. I just hurt, a lot, and don't really know how to deal with my feelings on the matter.

[candie13]

I just experienced a severe professional disappointment. I don't want to get into details, but a short summary should suffice: I failed at something enormously important to me, something I've spent years working towards. There is no chance to try again or set it right. Yesterday was a blur of crying and dry heaving. I am so numb, defeated, lost.

 

My only choices now are languishing in my current career (which pays well but is unsatisfying, and reminds me of this failure) or start over completely. And the agony of the disappointment is gnawing at me like a sucking chest wound. My amazing boyfriend reminds me this was just one potential shot at happiness of many, and there is still so much more I can do. He's right, of course, but that doesn't eliminate all the sadness and disappointment I feel.

 

How do you deal with these feelings without falling into depression? What do you do? I don't doubt that things will eventually be OK but right now I feel like a zombie. I didn't sleep. I am trying to keep perspective, be grateful, etc and I can't. I just hurt, a lot, and don't really know how to deal with my feelings on the matter.

Lala, everyone fails. Everyone.

 

I think it's still very fresh - it sounds very fresh. It sucks big big BIG time, I give you that.

 

Unfortunately, disappointment does cause heartache. There's no way around it. Just like in love, the only way is through it, there's no way around it. You need to cry all your tears and just... be really sad and upset.

 

If you don't want to slip into depression, I can recommend 2 things:

- regulate your sleep. Sleep is MANDATORY, because otherwise your thoughts will run wild. Please see your physician and get some good sleeping pills - or teas. I have passiflora tea - against anxiety - one hour before sleep. It knocks me right down

- run. It will help your body produce endorphines and it will cut you mentally off from whatever happened.

 

 

I am also taking a very very wild shot and I am recommending you a book - the "text book of Epictet". Greek philosopher, a stoic, learning us that our happiness depends on our freedom, and we are only free if you depend on things that are under our control. Money, love, career, these are all dependent on the outside world. It just... puts things into perspective. Look it up on the internet later, when the pain of this recent loss is less acute.

 

Also, look at some really great and insightful ted talks - they really help me out:

 

Don't regret, regret

 

The fringe benefits of failure

 

Basically, if I had to give you just one advice: don't cut yourself off from the rest of humanity. You are much MUCH more than your successes and failures. MAke sure you sleep properly and eat the right food - lack of food or junk food will mess with your head.

 

Take it one day at a time, ok? It's not the end of the world. I am SURE there are other ways around your career. Hang in there !!!

[jen1447]

You could also try acting out in a safe environment, like hitting a punching bag or sth. Physical release goes a long way toward exorcising the yuck inside you.

 

We all have to suck (or fail to put it more graciously) before we can be any good at anything. Just remember that. No one just takes the world by storm on the first try.

 

[hugs]

[sportygirl89]

I was pretty much ousted for being a failure in this volunteer field. I spent time volunteering in nearby counties. It took me 5 years to gain their trust back but I did. I know it feels like you will never get a chance again. It took me two years to get over it. Still not completely over it but I am putting in my best effort. It ultimately set me to go into my current degree program. Don't think of this as a negative. Think of it as a chance to grow as a person. I spent many months thinking I was not good enough.

Edited December 31, 2015 by sportygirl89

[lana-banana]

The pain is awful today. I was exercising in my apartment and broke down midway through, just sobbing like an idiot with my face buried in the carpet. I need to get it out of my system.

 

The irony here is that my boyfriend recently received a job offer across the country, and we'd both really like to move and start our lives together. I might have ultimately declined the opportunity even if I'd had it, because I love my boyfriend far more than any job. So why does it hurt so badly?

 

I feel like such a failure. I'm fighting the monster in me that wants to call home and tell my parents what a loser I am, that they should be ashamed of me, that I'm not good enough for them or anyone, that I ought to be punished or scorned somehow for my failings. I just don't understand why I want to inflict more pain upon myself when I already hurt so much.

[losangelena]

The pain is awful today. I was exercising in my apartment and broke down midway through, just sobbing like an idiot with my face buried in the carpet. I need to get it out of my system.

 

The irony here is that my boyfriend recently received a job offer across the country, and we'd both really like to move and start our lives together. I might have ultimately declined the opportunity even if I'd had it, because I love my boyfriend far more than any job. So why does it hurt so badly?

 

I feel like such a failure. I'm fighting the monster in me that wants to call home and tell my parents what a loser I am, that they should be ashamed of me, that I'm not good enough for them or anyone, that I ought to be punished or scorned somehow for my failings. I just don't understand why I want to inflict more pain upon myself when I already hurt so much.

 

Oh, girl. I have been there, and for lesser things than probably what you've just gone through.

 

Right now, I'd say just feel your feelings, don't try and rationalize them away, and realize that they could resurface from time to time much like they did today.

 

But listen—would you ever speak to a friend that way? Punish and scorn them for something they failed at or something that didn't go their way? No, of course you wouldn't. I understand that self-recrimination is the worst, but that voice is also the least accurate, and the least subjective, and the worst being able to see the bigger picture.

 

A couple of years ago, the car I drove finally went kaput. So I was trying to sell it to someone to come take it for scrap. I called a local guy who offered me like, $400 and said he'd send a tow truck over. While waiting, I got a quote from a national company for $500, so I called the first guy back to say never mind, and he flipped his lid, railed on me for making a deal and reneging on it, and said that it was $100 for him to even call the tow truck, so when it got to my house, he said I was responsible for paying them.

 

I was shocked and felt awful. To me, selling this car was such an adult thing to do, I'd never done it before, didn't really know what I was doing, and wasn't given any grace when I ended up making a mistake. Yeah, I thought that guy was out of bounds with all the yelling, but I felt a huge amount of shame, like somehow I should have known better, or that I can't handle simple adult tasks. This spiraled to me calling my mom and sobbing that I was a stupid idiot who didn't know how to do anything and would never get the hang of life. Yes, all over a $100 tow.

 

Anyway, my point is, is that while it felt so, incredibly real and devastating in the moment, truth finally kind of settled on top the shame—that I am capable in a lot of ways, that I've managed to accomplish things that I didn't think I'd ever be able to do, and that this one particular mistake, failing, whatever you want to call it, was just a blip in an otherwise pretty great existence.

 

And I think that's where you are. I don't know you, and I don't know what you failed at, but I'm sure that you've had a lot of successes, and that, despite this failure, you yourself are NOT a failure.

 

Besides, I always feel like even our biggest screw-ups can open doors and create opportunities that we might not ever have gotten otherwise. We can look back with the benefit of time and be thankful for a bad breakup, or a professional stumble, or whatever else that seems to stop life in its tracks when it happens. A couple I know, the husband is a pharmacist, and a few years ago, he failed some big test he had to take, so now he's stuck working in like, Wal-Mart pharmacies forever, and at first it was like the hugest, most devastating thing, but they just moved to another part of the state, bought a great house where their son can grow up in nature, and it's actually lining up to be a much better life than the one they'd anticipated, but they didn't know that at the time.

 

So feel your feelings right now. Cry and scream and thrash about. Try not to beat yourself up too much, though. This is part of the grieving process, and it's the sucky part of life, but you'll get through it.

Edited January 17, 2016 by losangelena

[dobielover]

Oh, girl. I have been there, and for lesser things than probably what you've just gone through.

 

Right now, I'd say just feel your feelings, don't try and rationalize them away, and realize that they could resurface from time to time much like they did today.

 

But listen—would you ever speak to a friend that way? Punish and scorn them for something they failed at or something that didn't go their way? No, of course you wouldn't. I understand that self-recrimination is the worst, but that voice is also the least accurate, and the least subjective, and the worst being able to see the bigger picture.

 

A couple of years ago, the car I drove finally went kaput. So I was trying to sell it to someone to come take it for scrap. I called a local guy who offered me like, $400 and said he'd send a tow truck over. While waiting, I got a quote from a national company for $500, so I called the first guy back to say never mind, and he flipped his lid, railed on me for making a deal and reneging on it, and said that it was $100 for him to even call the tow truck, so when it got to my house, he said I was responsible for paying them.

 

I was shocked and felt awful. To me, selling this car was such an adult thing to do, I'd never done it before, didn't really know what I was doing, and wasn't given any grace when I ended up making a mistake. Yeah, I thought that guy was out of bounds with all the yelling, but I felt a huge amount of shame, like somehow I should have known better, or that I can't handle simple adult tasks. This spiraled to me calling my mom and sobbing that I was a stupid idiot who didn't know how to do anything and would never get the hang of life. Yes, all over a $100 tow.

 

Anyway, my point is, is that while it felt so, incredibly real and devastating in the moment, truth finally kind of settled on top the shame—that I am capable in a lot of ways, that I've managed to accomplish things that I didn't think I'd ever be able to do, and that this one particular mistake, failing, whatever you want to call it, was just a blip in an otherwise pretty great existence.

 

And I think that's where you are. I don't know you, and I don't know what you failed at, but I'm sure that you've had a lot of successes, and that, despite this failure, you yourself are NOT a failure.

 

Besides, I always feel like even our biggest screw-ups can open doors and create opportunities that we might not ever have gotten otherwise. We can look back with the benefit of time and be thankful for a bad breakup, or a professional stumble, or whatever else that seems to stop life in its tracks when it happens. A couple I know, the husband is a pharmacist, and a few years ago, he failed some big test he had to take, so now he's stuck working in like, Wal-Mart pharmacies forever, and at first it was like the hugest, most devastating thing, but they just moved to another part of the state, bought a great house where their son can grow up in nature, and it's actually lining up to be a much better life than the one they'd anticipated, but they didn't know that at the time.

 

So feel your feelings right now. Cry and scream and thrash about. Try not to beat yourself up too much, though. This is part of the grieving process, and it's the sucky part of life, but you'll get through it.

 

Are you Brene Brown? I could swear she would have written something just like this. Lovely post.

[losangelena]

Are you Brene Brown? I could swear she would have written something just like this. Lovely post.

 

Ha! No, but I wish, I love her. Thank you, that's high praise.

[ZA Dater]

I don't think there are many worse feelings than profound disappointment, I feel it each and everyday of my life because all around me are things that trigger that feeling and people who also trigger that feeling.

 

 

Its tough to talk about disappointment because in my experience its not something many people relate to well.

 

 

If I were you, I would do the following because this seems like disappointment related to one sphere of your life, write a list of things you are proud about, things you enjoy.

 

 

Each time you feel disappointed, read that list. You may feel better.

[Buddhist]

How do you deal with these feelings without falling into depression? What do you do? I don't doubt that things will eventually be OK but right now I feel like a zombie. I didn't sleep. I am trying to keep perspective, be grateful, etc and I can't. I just hurt, a lot, and don't really know how to deal with my feelings on the matter.

 

You can't go from disappointment to gratitude in a single step. Those two things are poles apart. You need to feel what you're feeling first, eventually you will run out of it. It's only after those feelings are spent that you'll be able to anything useful in terms of focusing again on something else.