SamGirl Posted June 2, 2005 Share Posted June 2, 2005 my boyfriend died and i have no idea whether i am coming or going anymore. he was killed by a drunk driver on april 4th. i have lots of family and friends, and they stayed with me for a while during the funeral and after. now they're all back to work and their lives, as they should be, and they call, but usually i am here alone now. i am not doing well, as you may imagine. we lived together, and everything in this house reminds me of him. the bed smells like him. my heart aches all the time. i thought about joining a support group, but the minute i try to talk about it, my throat closes up and my eyes tear and i can't speak. i cannot believe this happened. i think i see him everywhere i go. i dream about him and think it's real. when i wake up, i am reminded all over again, and the pain starts right back up. i am so mad at the stupid bastard who did this. some people try to comfort me by saying "it could have been anyone, it was an accident." but i don't care that it could have happened to anyone. it happened to him and to me, my whole life is changed. i feel selfish, and this doesn't help. how do people get through this? because i can't. and a lot of the time, i don't even want to. Link to post Share on other sites
outdated Posted June 2, 2005 Share Posted June 2, 2005 SamGirl I am so sorry. I don't even know what to say. What can you say at this point? I could tell you it'll get better with time (it will) but that just doesn't seem to do it justice. Death leaves you with no closure and that is what seems to cause the pain- especially when it's a sudden death. A friend of mines fiance was killed in a car accident. She said the way she got over it was to do the same things that you would do if you were broken up with . Concentrate on things for yourself and learn to live independently. I wish I was more help, but I do offer condolences. Link to post Share on other sites
Merin Posted June 2, 2005 Share Posted June 2, 2005 My deepest sympathy Samgirl I do hope you will join a support group.. it might help. If we here at the Shack can do anything to help you through this time, well there is some amazing people here who I know will be there for ya I hope you keep posting. Link to post Share on other sites
Pyro Posted June 2, 2005 Share Posted June 2, 2005 Hi SamGirl. I can't even imagine what you must be going through. If it helps, you can think about your husband and realize that God is now taking care of him and that he is looking down at you and watching you. I think that a support group is a great idea. Meeting new people and trying new things is what you need to take the pain away from you. I know that it must be tough but I think that your husband would want you to get your life back on track. I am so sorry. The best of luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedInOC Posted June 2, 2005 Share Posted June 2, 2005 SamGirl, I am really sorry to hear about this. Hopefully he's in the arms of God right now. Have you considering counseling? You may not feel like going now but it will make you feel better. You'll be in my thoughts.... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 2, 2005 Share Posted June 2, 2005 I am so sorry for your loss and my heart goes out to you. I don't know really what to tell you except post here as much as you can, and when you feel ready then maybe one on one therapy might be better suited for you. Virtual hugs coming your way. Link to post Share on other sites
Illusion24 Posted June 2, 2005 Share Posted June 2, 2005 Samgirl May he rest in peace. Theirs nothing anyone can say or do to make the pain go away. I understand a loss of someone you love and care about is terribly hard to overcome, as a matter of fact my mother's aunt just died today and my b-day is tomorrow...My family is in tears and my grandma (who's her sister) is not doing well and blames herself for not talking to her for many years. Her sister was a very stubborn person but she will be missed horribly. Just think he is in no pain and he's flying with the angels. He's looking over you and if he were alive you know he would want you to continue your dreams and goals. You need to morn and you need to cry, having someone to talk to helps a lot. I wish you nothing but strength and love (even though we're complete strangers ) the pain will eventually get better.... Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted June 2, 2005 Share Posted June 2, 2005 sam, you have my deepest condolences and sympathy; I cannot even begin to fathom the hurt of losing a spouse. What hurts most, I imagine, is how the world can just keep going on when every day you're dying inside because of his loss. it may be hard right now to be among other survivors in a grief group but promise yourself that you will find someone to be with as you grieve, even if it's too hard to talk about losing your beloved. Just being among others can be a balm, whether it's a civic group, a church group, a minister – or even an online community. I can honestly say that the folks here at LoveShack helped me through a pretty bad patch when I lost my mom a couple of years ago, simply by giving me something to smile about when I needed it the most ... you ask how do people get through this? because i can't. and a lot of the time, i don't even want to. sometimes the hardest thing is to do what we don't want to do; the only way to move past the grieving is to move through it, as hard as it is. I cannot tell you when the pain will start lessening, but I will promise that as time goes on, your grief is tempered to where a point it's more bearable than before even though it still can hurt. you aren't alone out there, sam – there are people who want to help, who are happy to be your shoulder to lean on when you need them. Even here at the 'Shack. you are in my prayers, quank Link to post Share on other sites
EC Posted June 2, 2005 Share Posted June 2, 2005 Sam girl I have been through the same thing. Except my Bf was murdered. He was Stabbed to death over a radio. I was a zombie for about 5 months and couldnt work or eat or do pretty much anything. All I can say is if you have to cry...cry. Let it all out. Try not to stay alone because I used to and all it did was depress me more and make me think i was going crazy thinking I could see or hear him. What go me through it was going to church a lot and my family and friends. They forced me out of bed ( which was pretty much my home for 5 months) they made me go out at first just to the supermarket. Talking about it helps and your true friends will hear you talk about 50 million times they wont mind. Life does go on. Here I am a couple years later and it still hurts sometimes but I smile at memories of him and I together. Time heals all and eventually you will be ok. You have to remember that he is in a better place now and that his purpose here on earth was served. Whether that was to meet you or change you or it could have been to change that drunk drivers life forever. You have to remember that he is gone and you cannot bring him back. You have to remember that he is smiling over you and watching you and that you have a guardian angel for life. I dont want to freak you out but My family was very harsh with me about getting over it. I come from a spanish family and they are very superstitious. So they believe that when a young soul dies loving you the more you cry and talk to them and mourn them the more their soul lingers around you and you wont let them be free. Also that if I didn't let him go he would linger around me and ruin any other relationship that i tried to have in my life. Crazy I know but I was young at the time and believed every word so I got over it pretty quick. They took all his things out of my house, pictures, clothes, every memory and hid it from me. 1 year later i looked over everything and it wasn't so bad. I could look at his pictures and smile and remember the good times. But on a lighter note...when my bf was alive he knew that my fav color was pink. So when we were together and we would watch the sun set and the sky was pink I would sigh and tell him how beautiful it was and that I wished the sky was pink all the time. He looked at me one time and told me that he wished he had the power to make the sky pink because he would make it pink for me. So know whenever I see a pink sunset I smile to myself thinking he made it pink just for me. Link to post Share on other sites
RoxStar Posted June 2, 2005 Share Posted June 2, 2005 SamGirl, My deepest sympathy to you! I am so sorry for your loss. Any loss is hard whether its a friend, boyfriend, family member and although right now it seems so fresh it will get better. Everyday of the process will be a little better then the day before. I know its hard right now but grief counseling or a support group can really help you start to deal with the emotions. You are in my thoughts. RoxStar Link to post Share on other sites
Author SamGirl Posted June 2, 2005 Author Share Posted June 2, 2005 thank you so much for your support, all of you. this is so hard. it really did help to be able to communicate with people without having to speak it. talking about it doesn't come easily for me right now. writing does help. thank you all once again. he was my boyfriend, not my husband. but we did talk about getting married and were planning on becoming engaged within the year. his best friend told me he had gone with him to pick out my ring, and was just ready to buy it. he was so excited. i believe we would have had a beautiful life together. maybe we wouldn't have. the fact the i will never know what it would be like is what makes me so mad sometimes. i hate that i cannot control this. Link to post Share on other sites
curiousnycgirl Posted June 2, 2005 Share Posted June 2, 2005 SamGirl - I feel, and have lived your pain, although he was my fiance. He died just as suddenly as your b/f did, and it really left me a wreck. The reality is you need to ease yourself back into your life. Do not think you can just go about things like nothing has happened - you need to go through your grieving process - you deserve it and you need it. This is NOT to say you should shut yourself off - that is what I did and lemme tell you it is NOT healthy. Please continue with your life, just move at a pace you can handle - baby steps toward to vibrant person you were before this tragedy struck. I also totally understand the "what ifs" that hit you all the time. I KNOW my life with him would have been fabulous - but it was not to be. So I have continued down a very different path - it too is fabulous, but not what I had originally planned. My heart is with you - please keep in touch with us. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SamGirl Posted June 3, 2005 Author Share Posted June 3, 2005 thanks curious. it's so weird to see other people have been through this. sometimes i feel like it's only me, even though i know that's not true. i feel for you too. i'll keep in touch as much as i can, though sometimes i don't even get out of bed. i think this really has helped me. Link to post Share on other sites
alicia24 Posted June 3, 2005 Share Posted June 3, 2005 My deepest sympathy samgirl. I cant relate to your situation, but please be strong. I am true believer of tragedy making us stronger. This aweful situation will only make you a better person and more appreciative of your friends and family and the "little things" in life. I wish you all the best and please chat with us when ever you need a shoulder to cry on. Link to post Share on other sites
saffie Posted June 3, 2005 Share Posted June 3, 2005 I'm so terribly sorry for your loss. If you go to a support group at some point, please keep in mind that everyone will understand completely why you're crying and they won't make you talk. They'll totally understand if you can't. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SamGirl Posted June 3, 2005 Author Share Posted June 3, 2005 Originally posted by EC But on a lighter note...when my bf was alive he knew that my fav color was pink. So when we were together and we would watch the sun set and the sky was pink I would sigh and tell him how beautiful it was and that I wished the sky was pink all the time. He looked at me one time and told me that he wished he had the power to make the sky pink because he would make it pink for me. So know whenever I see a pink sunset I smile to myself thinking he made it pink just for me. i forgot to mention...this is beautiful. thanks again, everyone. Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted June 3, 2005 Share Posted June 3, 2005 That was beautiful EC. I'm so sorry for your losses. I'm so thankful to have never lost my partner. I did lose my best friend however to cancer and we had been friends since 3rd grade. It was years before I could talk about her without choking up. Loss is hard. A support group would help you- it really would. God Bless you! Link to post Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo Posted June 3, 2005 Share Posted June 3, 2005 I'm sorry for your loss. You have my deepest sympathy. RR Link to post Share on other sites
EC Posted June 3, 2005 Share Posted June 3, 2005 This is NOT to say you should shut yourself off - that is what I did and lemme tell you it is NOT healthy. Please continue with your life, just move at a pace you can handle - baby steps toward to vibrant person you were before this tragedy struck. Really good advice. I wish I would have known this when it happened to me. I stayed in bed for 5 months before I could see daylight outside. I needed to go through it but it was not healthy. Link to post Share on other sites
Fallen_Angel Posted June 3, 2005 Share Posted June 3, 2005 I wish I could have something more eloquent to say, but I haven't been through such an experience at this point in my life. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers. I'm so sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
scarlyjones Posted June 3, 2005 Share Posted June 3, 2005 OOOOOH,..I am SOOO sorry...... ......thats awful. I hope they caught the SOB. I know thats small colsolation. Atleast he died knowing you loved him, right? You will be ok. We are here for you Link to post Share on other sites
Naive Posted June 6, 2005 Share Posted June 6, 2005 I don't know what to say....I would go COMPLETELY crazy if I were in your situation!!!! I know it must be hard but you have to be strong and think about how he would not want you to be depressed. I am sure that wherever he is he wants you to be happy and to remember all the great memories with him without feeling blue. I know it must be hard but I know that with time you will be able to do it. You know what's the best thing? That they may have taken him from you but NO ONE can ever take away the memories that you have of him. Those are sacred and ONLY YOURS. You should definitely join a therapy group. I am deeply sorry for your loss. Link to post Share on other sites
AngelBears Posted June 11, 2005 Share Posted June 11, 2005 Samgirl, I too have been through this. The love of my life was suddenly taken from me. It's been almost two years and I still get angry when I hear empty words of sympathy such as "time heals". I am completely lost without this man. I have had a decent support system but I haven't effectively used them to help me through this. I am burdened with only one thing: "How". Although I am an intelligent person, I still can not comprehend how this can all be real. I now understand that I do not understand death. Where is he? Why can't I have one more hug? How is this all possible. I say these things not to be upsetting, but I think a lot of times people are so stuck on trying to be positive when all you need is to vent the frustration. It is not a sign of weakness to do so. If there are any questions you have or want to talk, please feel free to open up. I tried counseling. It wasn't for me. I have bottled it up a bit. Afraid to get over it. Like I would be letting go of him. I want his spirit to haunt me, if it's all I can have of him. Follow your heart. Have no regrets. Fulfill yourself. Until you find a friend who has been through this and is willing to cry with you, I think it's fair to feel alone. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted June 12, 2005 Share Posted June 12, 2005 My deepest sympathy, Sam! Be strong! You will be happy some day again, but nobody knows when. It's been too soon and you're still in the phase of denial (can't believe it) and anger because of the injustice. It will gradually turn to acceptance of the sad reality. Try to cherish the good moments of the two of you. Write down your thoughts and feelings just as if he were there to hear them. He would be very glad to know how much you grieve his death. It's the greatest present he could ever get from you. My ex-husband's first wife died in a car accident. Exactly 55 days later he started sleeping with me and was happy. He spent 12 years with her and they had an 11-month baby when she died. That's sad. Anyhow, I'll try and console you a little bit: you feel sorry for yourself. He doesn't feel any pain now, only you do. You and his close family are the victims. So when you get used to the loneliness you will probably try and move on. Good luck! I feel for you and am really sorry for what happened. Link to post Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo Posted June 13, 2005 Share Posted June 13, 2005 Originally posted by AngelBears I think a lot of times people are so stuck on trying to be positive when all you need is to vent the frustration. It is not a sign of weakness to do so. Word. I have bottled it up a bit. Afraid to get over it. Like I would be letting go of him. I want his spirit to haunt me, if it's all I can have of him. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts