Boyfriend doesn't want to spend New Years Eve with me

[Katey1]

Hi,

 

I just joined because I am not sure if I am expecting too much from my boyfriend and being selfish, or if I have a reason to be upset and break off our relationship. I'll try to be as concise and quick as possible in explaining the details of our relationship up to this point. Although it is quite long, and if you could read and respond, I would be so grateful. I'm 30 and he recently turned 28.

 

We started seeing each other in January 2015 and everything was going fairly well up until I moved an hour away in September. I only say fairly because I always felt he was hard to get to know because he is very introverted. We had communication problems and a few fights because of it. At one point early in the relationship I almost broke up with him because in my eyes he stood me up. We had made plans but then he never texted me or showed up. He told me he fell asleep. At the time I didn't truly believe him, but after knowing him for a while and realizing that he is depressed, I do believe this was true, at least to some extent. He also blew off Easter with my family, he was going to meet them for the first time. He told me he wanted to go, but then canceled the day OF. I almost broke up with him then too. My parents said to be easy on him because he was probably really intimidated to meet the family, which I understood. But I requested that he tell me and be up front about things and not make plans if he didn't want to go through with them. And how it was embarrassing that he canceled the day of Easter when my parents expected to meet him. At some point after one of these fights, I told him during a very intense lunch he could never blow me off again because I wasn't going to put up with bull****, that I would break it off. He said "you deserve so much better, I need to work on myself, I'm so sorry..." etc. I wasn't sure at the time if he wanted to break up by saying these things and doing these things as an easy way for me to break up with him. But we decided to work through it.

 

After saying I wasn't going to put up with his inconsiderate behavior, most of the summer was pretty good. I didn't feel like we were becoming closer, that the relationship kind of plateaued, but it was an enjoyable relationship. He is very kind and sweet, and a great person. He has a tendency to want to promise what he isn't capable of promising because he doesn't want to disappoint. He always has the best of intentions whether or not he follows through with them. He is very affectionate and loving when we are together and in front of his friends. He would never say anything rude or hurtful, and is literally one of the sweetest persons I've ever met. He's the first boyfriend I've had that my family and friends really like. In general he's a great guy. But he doesn't have the best coping strategies when it comes to stress. He tends to withdraw from the world, not just me, and becomes non-responsive, which is why I believe now when he said he was sleeping (from the first paragraph). He has an avoidant personality.

 

I had to move away for a job, and I became very worried that we wouldn't make it, even though we wouldn't be that far away from each other. My new job has me working 6 days a week (they are shorter work days), and left us only one day on the weekend to spend with each other. I thought we could make it work if we spoke on the phone enough, but I was still worried. A lot of what worried me was the fact that he never told me he loved me. I felt if we weren't at that point yet (8 months by this point) then we might have a really hard time making it through the strain of the long distance and our busy schedules. He saw my worry as a reason to doubt my feelings for him. I thought by him not being worried about it, he was being naive.

 

During this long distance time, the driving and splitting of time was even at first, but in second/third month after I moved, he was driving the hour to see me for the weekends for the most part. I still had to work Saturday, but I had many commitments that kept me from being able to drive up to see him during the busy season. We talked about this and I felt bad about not being able to drive as much as he was, but him coming to see me meant we could spend more time together. I wouldn't be able to drive up on a Friday because of early Saturday morning work. I always appreciated the fact that he came to see me so much. At this time though, I started to resent him because he was only answering my phone calls half the time, and sometimes wouldn't respond to my text messages. This infuriated me. He wouldn't even acknowledge that I called or left a voicemail or text. He would text me the next day as if I didn't try to reach out to him. A few times I wanted to spontaneously travel to see him but he never answered. When he came to see me on the weekends, I started getting upset because he would leave garbage around my apartment, or wouldn't clean up his dishes. I would cook for him but he wouldn't help me clean up. I have a dishwasher and he would say "I'll get the dishes" but would take the dirty dishes from the table and put them in the sink. I had an important work event to help set up and he wanted me to pick him up at my apartment because he didn't want to drive the 2 miles to get to the event. I wasn't able to help my pregnant colleague set up for it because he needed me to pick him up. This upset me very much because I felt he wasn't being supportive. He also asked for my car keys after the event finished so he could sit in my car because he didn't want to be by my side after the event chit chatting with my colleagues. He also didn't help me clean up, he didn't even get out of my car to help me put everything I was holding into the car when I was clearly struggling, and I spilled food all over the ground. He sat in the car playing on Facebook on his phone. At this point I was livid. I felt that he wasn't being a supportive partner and was being lazy in the relationship, and it was after this that I started an actual break up. It happened right before Thanksgiving. To me, driving the hour and showing up is the bare minimum.

 

We had been reconciling for a month between then and now. I almost stopped talking to him entirely, which devastated him. He called and left multiple messages and I could tell he was very upset so I tried to call him; no answer. I texted. No answer. The same bull****. So I finally wrote him an email and told him everything. About how he wasn't a good partner, how I was waiting to hear the words I love you and got more worried the longer time went. Everything. And his response was so lovely, he said all the things I wanted to hear from him, basically anything because communication with him has been difficult. He said a lot albeit the actual words I love you. I felt like he was finally fighting for me and this relationship by communicating.

 

By the end of it we decided to see each other when we could, but not hold each other or have expectations. I thought I'd be happier with this because I wouldn't get so mad at him all the time. And for a while during Christmas break my feelings for him were bursting even though I couldn't get him to spend time with my family. We spent time with each other which was ok. I wasn't sure what I wanted to do for New Years, but my friend invited me to this event with live music and the whole nine yards, which wasn't exactly what I wanted to do, but everything else didn't seem appealing. I didn't feel like getting "crunked!" and going to a gross house party that my brother goes to. But I wanted to be around people that I care about. My boyfriend wasn't giving me a clear answer as to what he wanted to do, so last night I asked him what he wanted to do and I interpreted his answer as he wanted to do his own thing. I said, oh ok, I'll do my own thing then. I immediately told my friend I would go with her because she only got two tickets and she was waiting for my answer, I couldn't make her wait any longer. It would just be me and her and the tickets were sold out at that point. He responded right after me making plans with my friend by saying he would like to see me and that he didn't say he didn't want to spend new years with me, and so then I felt bad and said I'd try to get a ticket for him. Well the opportunity came and I texted late last night if he wanted the ticket. No answer this morning. I texted again late morning. No answer. And finally I said, if you don't tell me you need time to decide I will get upset and I'm going to tell the guy never mind. And he responded saying "oh I woke up late today and just saw my messages now. No I don't think so, thanks though." I'm devastated, which is why I'm on here now writing this super long ass thread. Am I being too pushy? Are we incompatible? Just a miscommunication and misunderstanding?

 

A different friend told me it reminded her of a situation with a different guy she was with. She said to be careful because I will end up hurt. And I keep thinking maybe she's right. Maybe we aren't compatible. Maybe I need someone more reliable and considerate? Is it too much to expect a boyfriend to respond quickly and not ignore me or lie (am I assuming he's lying? It seemed like a bull**** text) about the reason for not responding quickly after being together for a year? I feel like I only got an answer from him because I pushed him for the answer. But today is New Years Eve, I needed to know soon. I would have had to go to the atm and then drive to meet this person to do an actual in person exchange. But maybe he responded like that because I pushed him for an answer.

 

He is choosing not to spend the holiday with me. I thought he wanted another chance when he emailed me, it seemed like he didn't want to lose me. But now I'm interpreting this as he doesn't care enough about me to want to spend this special holiday with me. And now I feel very hurt and rejected. There was a ticket and he still doesn't want to go.

 

Please help shed some light. I think I know the answer, but I would love different perspectives on this. And thank you in advance for reading my long post.

 

Katey1

[preraph]

Anytime you have to be the one to try all the time, it's not worth it. He's not mentally equipped to sustain a relationship and seems lukewarm at best. Probably the only thing he's getting out of this is it makes him look more normal if he can say he has a girlfriend. So he doesn't want to lose you as a crutch. Why on earth would you feel you only deserve someone who treats you like this and is inconsiderate all the time and reluctant and hindered by emotional problems? Don't you think you ought to be able get back as good as you give?

[Anderlie]

He sounds like a lost cause sorry. Introversion doesn't give someone the right to be an inconsiderate butthead and not communicate. I think the breakup was the right thing and you should continue with it, you deserve better than crumbs.

[Katey1]

Thank you for the feedback. This is what my suspicion has been for a long time. I'm probably grasping at straws now. He seems so sweet when we are together. It just doesn't make sense.

[whichwayisup]

He suffers from depression and is introverted. Not a great combo for someone like you who loves to go out and socialize, be around a lot of people. Most that are like him aren't social creatures, they prefer smaller crowds, especially with those that they know.

 

Instead of being so angry at him, try looking at this at a different angle, try compassion and understanding. Try have a face to face real conversation and be honest with him.

 

With that said, it does seem like you two are very different, so much so that you may not be a good match in the long run.

[carhill]

Welcome to LS and, well, if you have to write that much about a guy you've dated for a year who doesn't want to do something simple like spend NYE with you if he's conscious and ambulatory, well...

 

dump him.

 

I remember I started dating my exW early in 1999 and, by this time, I had already proposed to her in a Santa suit and we were toasting the 2000 new year looking forward to being married. Decisive. That's what you need in a man. Accept no substitutes. Good luck!

[Anderlie]

He seems so sweet when we are together

 

Yes because then he doesn't have to try, you're already there in front of him. When it came to crunch time and you needed him to step up and work a little harder he was incapable of it.

 

He suffers from depression and is introverted. Not a great combo for someone like you who loves to go out and socialize, be around a lot of people. Most that are like him aren't social creatures, they prefer smaller crowds, especially with those that they know

 

And that's all well and good but it doesn't excuse not talking to her properly about plans or cancelling last minute or simply not acknowledging texts or voicemail, that's just rude. I'm not saying someone with depression shouldn't date but he is not in a state where he can be a good partner right now. Introversion is neither here nor there when it comes to those issues either, it doesn't make him above normal social conventions. OP can definitely deal with him with compassion and understanding but I think it does both introversion and depression a disservice to say that this guy's behaviour can be fully attributed to either.

[preraph]

You don't want to spend your life prodding this guy. You deserve a whole person who can add to your life. Please don't wait thinking he'll change. A good friend of mine married one similar and he just can't be counted on in any way except he does work. And they get more rigid and set in ways as they age, not better.

Edited December 31, 2015 by preraph

[Els]

This is not 'introversion' at all. My close friends and LTRs have mostly been introverts and none of them would have behaved like that. (I'm also an introvert, btw)

 

It's evidently something bigger than that. I can't say what it is for sure, but I honestly don't think it's worth finding out at the rate he's going.

[Wewon]

Side note:

 

As an introvert, I find it offensive when people use introversion as a license to be rude or obnoxious. Introversion is a temperament, that has a huge range to it. Introverts are still capable of talking/answering the phone, texting, going out, feeding themselves, dressing themselves, driving a car and holding down a job. Introverts are also extremely capable of empathy and understanding what rejection feels like and are fully aware when they are being self-centered jerks.

 

So can we please stop saying, "Well he IS an introvert" as though this is a pass for being a d-bag.

 

Thanks

[Katey1]

What is kind of interesting is that he feels he's extroverted. But recently has admitted that he is more conservative and keeps to himself. He loves going out with his friends and meeting new people, as long as he has a beer. But I'm an extrovert for sure, and he's definitely introverted in my eyes. I think he doesn't have good coping skills, and he's selfish/self-centered. He's an only child and I think maybe he doesn't know how to share himself with others. My brother's girlfriend, whom both are his good friends, says that my bf is a lazy friend. He takes calls only when he feels like it, and his attitude is that sometimes he just can't be bothered with anyone. I don't know what this is. I don't understand it, because I'm a very reliable person.

 

Also, about speaking face to face with him... He isn't good at expressing himself in person. He clams up and can't say a word, literally. It's extremely frustrating. He will agree with me in order to stop an argumentative discussion because it's very discomforting to him. I wait for him to say anything at all, and there is a deafening silence. It's very hard to deal with. I've often wondered if he has an actual problem, like asperger syndrome. He was much more expressive through written word than he ever was face to face.

Edited January 1, 2016 by Katey1

[carhill]

Interesting analysis....sounds like over-stimulation response. You may be onto something there.

 

However, do you want to work this issue or do you believe it healthier to discontinue? This respects that none of us are perfect but also that none of us is required nor compelled to accept another's imperfections; it's completely voluntary.

 

The whole NYE thing is just odd. However, given the uproar that NYE usually is, if social occasions are involved, and if he's over-stimulated, declining could be a fear response. That's possible.

 

I guess it comes back to a line I sometimes use here, 'If it don't flow, let it go'. Sometimes things work out where going separate ways is healthier for everyone.

[five2nine]

Your story reminds me somewhat of mine. Honestly it sounds like pure laziness and he is probably with you because you are there pursuing him. If you left him or did not contact anymore, would he just accept it and let it go? He sounds very passive.

 

At least that was the case for me. We are both introverted and we were old friends. Everything was great at first because we like the same stuff. But I stick to my word and plans. Eventually he would "forget" plans or promises, and flake out on me pretty much every week. I also didn't understand why he liked to sleep the day away on weekends until 4pm or later. Then I would text, some would be answered and some would go ignored. He stopped initiating contact after a while and we would go a week or longer with no communication because I was testing him to see if he would message me at all. I started to feel like somebody's angry mother all the time! He stopped putting effort so I just let it go. And I never heard from him again.

 

It hurts but maybe you aren't compatible or he isn't interested enough to make it work.

[craw]

Sounds like you're wasting your time with him.

[Katey1]

He is only figuring out now that there is something wrong. He texted me asking me what I'm doing tonight without a clue that I unfriended him from Facebook 2 days ago and deleted all the pictures of us today. He is on Facebook all the time. This is how much he thinks about me

 

Sometimes I think I overreact, but I can't help feeling hurt over these things. He is asking what he did wrong, he literally has no clue. How could he be so clueless?

 

I only wanted to feel like a priority to him. And I've explained this to him already when we were breaking up a month ago. He didn't prioritize me for this holiday, but we recently agreed that we wouldn't hold each other to expectations. But I still got upset because he didn't choose to spend time with me, and wasn't considerate about the rejection. I know he doesn't want to intentionally hurt me, but he doesn't see how his actions are hurting me in this relationship. I'm tired of feeling hurt. And also wondering if I'm overreacting and being too sensitive and taking things too personally.

Edited January 3, 2016 by Katey1

[preraph]

Stick to your guns. He's only thinking of himself. You have to have your standards so you can find the right person.

[seekingluck]

What is kind of interesting is that he feels he's extroverted. But recently has admitted that he is more conservative and keeps to himself. He loves going out with his friends and meeting new people, as long as he has a beer. But I'm an extrovert for sure, and he's definitely introverted in my eyes. I think he doesn't have good coping skills, and he's selfish/self-centered. He's an only child and I think maybe he doesn't know how to share himself with others. My brother's girlfriend, whom both are his good friends, says that my bf is a lazy friend. He takes calls only when he feels like it, and his attitude is that sometimes he just can't be bothered with anyone. I don't know what this is. I don't understand it, because I'm a very reliable person.

 

Also, about speaking face to face with him... He isn't good at expressing himself in person. He clams up and can't say a word, literally. It's extremely frustrating. He will agree with me in order to stop an argumentative discussion because it's very discomforting to him. I wait for him to say anything at all, and there is a deafening silence. It's very hard to deal with. I've often wondered if he has an actual problem, like asperger syndrome. He was much more expressive through written word than he ever was face to face.

 

Introversion doesn't have anything to do with wanting to be social or meeting new people. You can be social and be introverted. And also be shy and extroverted.

 

Introverts are exhausted after too much people time and need to recharge by being alone. There is a wide spectrum on the amount of people time that makes you exhausted. My sister is social and introverted. She doesn't like doing more than 1-2 social things per week and retreats when she hits capacity.

 

Extroverts are recharged by people time, and need more to feel fully there/present and so on. I am extroverted. Sometimes I seek out other ways to interact with people to recharge at the end of a week and go to forums to fill that gap if I can't connect enough in person.

 

I do think your boyfriend is introverted. You also do not have compatible communication styles. This relationship is a horrible fit. You are not feeling happy and recharged in your relationship. It is is causing you stress, worry and annoyance. End it. It is not enhancing your life.

[Katey1]

Thank you everyone. It's touched me that so many strangers have taken their time to read this and give me genuinely good-natured advice. I've never posted to a forum before, and have never joined an online community such as this, but I can tell you that it's been a very positive experience and it is helping me a lot. Breakups are never easy and emotions can get in the way. I will stick to my guns even though I know he will be hurting. I need to do what is best for me and take care of myself. <3

[whichwayisup]

Do update again in the near future.

 

You did the right thing. He is selfish, lazy and never appreciated you as his girlfriend. He missed out, his loss!