maryam99218 Posted June 2, 2005 Share Posted June 2, 2005 I'm 18 years old, been married for four months now and i have a problem! I do not trust my husband. It's not like he's really done anything to make me not trust him, so i dont know what the hell is wrong with me. I am constantly paranoid that he is going to cheat on me or he's staring at other women! We fight almost every day! Help!!! Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted June 2, 2005 Share Posted June 2, 2005 It sounds like you went in having some expectations of what marriage was, and what it would do for you and it failed to live up to those expectations: and in your frustration and anger, you two are lashing out at each other. You are afraid that he's going to cheat, because you see yourself and your marriage as something you feel he doesn't really want out of life - you see yourself in a situation where a guy is likely to cheat. That doesn't mean he will. Seriously, it sounds like there is a lot you two need to say to each other and can't because you want to continue to live up to your own expectations of marriage and the expectations of marriage that society has fed you. Have you thought about some marriage counseling to help you two learn to communicate with one another? Link to post Share on other sites
Author maryam99218 Posted June 2, 2005 Author Share Posted June 2, 2005 yes i have thought about counseling but i just dont feel it's going to help because im so stubborn. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted June 2, 2005 Share Posted June 2, 2005 Just a couple of questions, if you don't mind. 1. What made you decide that you wanted to be married at an early age? 2. Was the marriage your idea, or your boyfriends - or both? 3. What were the reasons you gave each other for wanting to be married? 4. What expectations did you have for your marriage, and how has it not lived up to that? 5. Was the proposal a surprise, or was it something that one or the other pressured into happening? 6. If you could magically change anything about your marriage, yourself and your partner in order to fix your marriage, what would it be that you would change? 7. Do you have your and your husband's family support in this? 8. What was your relationship like before marriage came up? How long were you together? Were there problems? Sorry for all the questions, but answering these - and being totally honest with yourself in answering them - might give you some insight into your situation and where to go with it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author maryam99218 Posted June 2, 2005 Author Share Posted June 2, 2005 well i got pregnant at 17 and my husband was 30. the reason why we decided to get married was because we felt like we were in love and ready to commit. But i still did not trust him at all. if i could magically change anything about our marriage i would want to be able to fully trust my husband. His family is very supportive. Link to post Share on other sites
OneFaith Posted June 6, 2005 Share Posted June 6, 2005 Originally posted by maryam99218 well i got pregnant at 17 and my husband was 30. the reason why we decided to get married was because we felt like we were in love and ready to commit. But i still did not trust him at all. if i could magically change anything about our marriage i would want to be able to fully trust my husband. His family is very supportive. You conceived at the age of 17 and the man who got you pregnant was 30 years of age? Does the law come to mind with having sex with a minor? The man you married, is he the father of the baby? If so, is this the reason why you got married? At the age of 18, developmentally -- you are no match for a 30 year old man. I dont care what anyone says, there is a developmental gap between you and your husband, taking in account your emotional, physical, psychological, intellectual and spiritual development and/or needs will be always different. He is far ahead of you in that department and you have yet to experience life! Being pregnant and mothering a child at such a young age is difficult. What happens is, when youre friends are going to Fort Lauderdale for spring break, travelling around the United States or the world for that matter, seeing life, experiencing it -- you're sitting home with an infant bottle and/or breast feeding. What happens is resentment builds up within you and toward your "husband" because you are missing a part of your freedom in life that is owed to you at this age. You cannot change the situation being pregnant and mothering a child now. It's too late for that. However, its not too late to walk out on a situation (marraige in this case) where it's not conducive for you to developmentally grow yourself along with your child while being stuck with a 30 year old man who felt obligated getting a minor pregnant and had to marry her. Trust me, resentment will settle in. Things will get worse. At your age, I expect trust not to be innately there between a woman your age and a 30 year old man. Trust is earned. Trust is built within a relationship while youre dating prior to marraige. If your pregnancy happened quickly, where was your chance to get to know the man? Seriously, I dont have too much respect for your husband in the first place to get a minor pregnant. Just because you're a mother now, does not make you a "woman" only makes you have to act like one. Marraige counseling versus independent counseling. I'd suggest the latter -- counseling for you. After seeing your counselor for awhile, things will be put into perspective (hopefully). Don't get me wrong, when two people are in a commitment such as marraige -- at the mere signal something is going awry, I do not suggest the person to leave their man. Its your age, and the situation of being pregnant, ( child born yet or no?) -- (totally unsure if this husband was the man who got you pregnant to begin with and if the baby is in the picture?) If you answer yes to those two questions, then I stand my ground. If you answer no to those questions, then I take what I said back and ask if you give a bit more history. Link to post Share on other sites
lilmoma1973 Posted June 6, 2005 Share Posted June 6, 2005 Hey Maryam, Once you get burnt it is so hard to trust.. I have been done dirty lots of time!!I TRUST BUT NOT TO THE FULL EXTENT!! I still don't keep my hopes up it won't happen again because i did that before and got burned and i will never be that dumb again!! I keep a wall up you can only get so close to me and then thats it .. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts