MM's wife called for answers after 2nd DDay...

[Robin17]

I'm new to posting but have been reading here for a while. I'll keep my story as brief as I can - I really need some support...

 

Met my MM at work over 2 1/2yrs ago - he's been married for 10yrs, together for 15yrs, 2 kids 11 and 9. Wasn't meant to be anything more than a flirty friendship, quickly developed in to a full-blown PA. 3 months later, I tried to end things, as I didn't want to fall in love with a happily married man. He then confessed he wasn't happy, they'd had problems for 5-6 yrs and discussed divorcing but only stayed together for the kids. Said I was the only light in his life apart from his kids. Things were effortless between us and he said he could easily love me for the rest of his life. I gave him 1 month (over xmas 2013) to make a decision either way. Him and his wife ended up having a major heart to heart over this period, where he realised he still had a lot to lose and could sort his marriage out. He told me we had to stop but we continued in a PA for another 8 months.

 

His wife had called me a few times over the year (found emails, seen photos online of us) all which I denied anything going on between us. August 2013, she finds an incriminating txt from me, where D-Day then took place. He then told her he wanted nothing to do with me, a pretence I kept up whenever she would call to ask. Me and MM stayed in touch everyday and would meet for lunch and after work every day, even after I moved jobs. We stopped the PA but it still felt like an EA. He's my best friend, the only person I've ever met who 'gets' me (I'm 31, he's 36) and we both decided we'd rather have this 'friendship' than nothing at all. He knows I'm still madly in love with him, so I've always been confused as to why he keeps me around?!!?

 

Fast forward 16 months later and MM's wife calls me on xmas day last week and is giving me abuse, calling me a whore/marriage wrecker etc and I flipped out and told her I wasn't the problem - her husband was and we'd been in touch behind her back. I've also recently found out that MM has been diagnosed with a compulsive lying disorder - a big reason I wanted to stay in his was to be there for him, as he has no other friends he can trust outside his marriage.

 

MM's wife has spent 2hrs on the phone to me tonight, asking for answers and clarity on how things really were as she doesn't trust her MM anymore. Did my best to be honest, as I could see she was hurting. Had to convince her MM really loves her and wants to make their marriage work and he was just a coward for lying to her about us remaining friends. She's considering leaving him but I know this part of their marriage is none of my business - even though she was asking me for advice.

 

This is where I'm stuck. MM's wife asked me to not get in touch with him again (even though he's stated again said he wants nothing to do with me - though the wife believes it's only because he's scared she'll want to start having male friends in retaliation). I just wanted to have closure with him when he returns to work next week, as I want to know why he's lied to me about something his wife disclosed to me last week (I wont divulge details). His wife said, if he comes back to me, then she will walk away (even though I know he loves her and IF he wanted to be with me, he could've done a long time ago!!). It just hurts like hell at the thought of never seeing him again or talking to him. My heart feels like it's ripped out and I'm struggling to eat or sleep :'(

 

Any help or advice will be most welcomed, 2016 has started on a horrible note

[SoleMate]

The best advice is also the simplest, and is hard in the short term. It is this: Leave this married couple to their own drama and issues, and walk away to live your own life.

 

To heal fastest, go strict NC. If you still work together, this will be extra difficult, but you must do it. You may need to look for a new job. Find distractions, and you will be through the worst in 8-12 weeks.

 

Going forward, do whatever it takes to avoid "flirty friendships" with men who have already chosen a wife. It virtually never ends up well.

 

....I just wanted to have closure with him when he returns to work next week, as I want to know why he's lied to me about something his wife disclosed to me last week (I wont divulge details). His wife said....(etc.)....

That's all just drama and churn which has no possible upside for you. There's no use seeking truth from someone who

has been diagnosed with a compulsive lying disorder

 

In fact, it's kinda whacked to even consider doing so. That's the A-fog for you. Best wishes for your recovery.

[Popsicle]

Okay, you said you "changed jobs" somewhere in that post, so you don't see him at work anymore.

 

This will make it easier for you to walk away.

 

You need to walk away and leave these married people to their lives. You do NOT need the closure that you think you need, and he won't tell you the truth anyway. You're just trying to hang on for longer because you're not ready for it to end.

 

It is over. Please accept this and move on.

[Popsicle]

Going forward, do whatever it takes to avoid "flirty friendships" with men who have already chosen a wife. It virtually never ends up well.

 

Yes, this is the best lesson any single women can come out of this situation with. I'd go even further to say avoid forming friendships, period, with taken men.

 

Oh and don't speak to the wife anymore. You are not friends.

[Robin17]

Thank you Solemate for your advice. It's been a heart over head situation here. I know going NC is going to hurt like hell, MM's been the biggest part of my life since I've met him which is why I've never been strong enough, or wanted to walk away. Hell, he hasn't ever let me go!!

 

Luckily we no longer work together, we have some mutual work colleagues who we would go out for lunch with, and I ideally didn't want them to ask why we no longer speak.

 

I ideally wanted that last answer for my own peace of mind but as you reiterated, I doubt he would even be honest with me now after everything. Here's hoping he doesn't call next week as I don't think I'll be strong enough to shut him out!

[oceansaway]

It's the hardest thing in the world to leave and NC with someone you love still. Going through it now myself.

 

Take one day at a time. Keep telling yourself he is a liar. Trust is everything...without it you have nothing. He's NO prize. Put yourself in her shoes. Why would you want a lying cheater!??

[Robin17]

Thank you Popsicle, very frank words! :-) I'm usually very closed off to forming friendships/relationships that aren't healthy, I just never expected to fall so hard for this MM...! :-(

 

Don't worry, I won't be talking to BS anymore, I think I've more than enough paid my dues tonight... this is definatley their own problem to sort out!!

[Robin17]

Oceansaway, I can only imagine how hard NC is for you. So I'm praying this wont destroy me. Just feels like I've wasted 2 1/2 years of my life and time in something that has ultimately broken me :-( trying hard not to feel sorry for myself, as I was always there for MM and did everything to be a great friend to him after everything!

[winterkeep]

Just feels like I've wasted 2 1/2 years of my life and time in something that has ultimately broken me :-(

 

Well you kind of did! But you aren't broken, just hurting and if you've learnt something then it wasn't a waste, see it as a very painful life experience and try to find whatever positives you can from it. By positives I don't mean from him, rather your own emotional growth and healing that will be required to move on from this to ensure that you make better choices for yourself in the future.

 

I'm glad you aren't helping him to gaslight her but I think for your sake any interaction with her now needs to stop. You are a human with feelings too, you should not have to be convincing another woman that you are nothing and that the man you love loves her regardless of circumstance.

 

You need to be kind to and look after yourself now, I think you need to start by disconnecting from them BOTH. You aren't going to get closure and I think many are really seeking validation that their AP wants to continue the A rather then anything that will help them to move on. Which he will give you, why not? He's not the one losing anything, his wife will stay, he'll keep lying, while you waste more time and watch life pass you by.

 

See it as a great start to 2016, you have been given a catalyst for change.

[Ruffian1]

Kudos to you for not lying and denying to the BS.

[oceansaway]

Oceansaway, I can only imagine how hard NC is for you. So I'm praying this wont destroy me. Just feels like I've wasted 2 1/2 years of my life and time in something that has ultimately broken me :-( trying hard not to feel sorry for myself, as I was always there for MM and did everything to be a great friend to him after everything!

 

It's very hard after almost 4 years with him. We have been living in a fantasy...both of us. It's now time for him face the reality of his life and marriage without me. In time I will move on but never forget him. He'll have to deal with life or make a change.

 

You will be happy again someday...we all will

[Robin17]

I'm glad you aren't helping him to gaslight her but I think for your sake any interaction with her now needs to stop. You are a human with feelings too, you should not have to be convincing another woman that you are nothing and that the man you love loves her regardless of circumstance.

 

You need to be kind to and look after yourself now, I think you need to start by disconnecting from them BOTH. You aren't going to get closure and I think many are really seeking validation that their AP wants to continue the A rather then anything that will help them to move on. Which he will give you, why not? He's not the one losing anything, his wife will stay, he'll keep lying, while you waste more time and watch life pass you by.

 

Well the affair in the physical sense, minus flirting, was over for the past year. As much as I love him, I didn't want an affair to re-start. Just honestly feel like crap beacuse of how close we had become. Morning wake up calls, speaking/msging all day and then meeting up every day - that's not so easy to shake off losing. You ARE right, I've neglected my own feelings here and it hurts that I've tried to help out someone who has now tried throwing me under the bus again to save his sorry self :-(

[Robin17]

Kudos to you for not lying and denying to the BS.

 

Thanks, I did it for my own sanity, as I was sick of the lies. It wasn't done to hurt her at all - she actually appreciated the honesty. Hopefully I'll be left alone by her now!

[Robin17]

It's very hard after almost 4 years with him. We have been living in a fantasy...both of us. It's now time for him face the reality of his life and marriage without me. In time I will move on but never forget him. He'll have to deal with life or make a change.

 

You will be happy again someday...we all will

 

Yeah I can totally relate to that. How long has your NC been? Well I was asked out on a date 2 weeks ago (before all of this blew up) by a gorgeous guy, ex MM knew about this, and I wanted to enjoy the date for what it was with no expectations. Problem is, even though I've technically been single (physically) from exMM I don't think this is the right time to be dating anyone and I don't know how to let this guy know - we're meant to be going on a 2nd date!

 

Also wanted to add that exMM attemtped to harm himself 2 nights ago. BS told me last night about this, as she was going to leave him but she felt trapped to stay out of fear for what he might do if she walked out of the marriage. Am I wrong to be worried about his state of mind atm? I honestly just want to see if he's ok - I can't switch off caring about him :-s

[whichwayisup]

Thank you Solemate for your advice. It's been a heart over head situation here. I know going NC is going to hurt like hell, MM's been the biggest part of my life since I've met him which is why I've never been strong enough, or wanted to walk away. Hell, he hasn't ever let me go!!

 

Luckily we no longer work together, we have some mutual work colleagues who we would go out for lunch with, and I ideally didn't want them to ask why we no longer speak.

 

I ideally wanted that last answer for my own peace of mind but as you reiterated, I doubt he would even be honest with me now after everything. Here's hoping he doesn't call next week as I don't think I'll be strong enough to shut him out!

 

Imagine how his wife feels? They have a history together, family entwined, so it's not like she is going to just hand him over to you. She's fighting for her marriage and the life she built with him.

 

Lose his number, change yours if possible. Block him on all social media and get yourself into counseling so you can grieve in a healthy way and find you again. You were someone strong before the A, you can be that woman again.

[Robin17]

Imagine how his wife feels? They have a history together, family entwined, so it's not like she is going to just hand him over to you. She's fighting for her marriage and the life she built with him.

 

Lose his number, change yours if possible. Block him on all social media and get yourself into counseling so you can grieve in a healthy way and find you again. You were someone strong before the A, you can be that woman again.

 

I know how she feels, I was cheated on 10 years ago. Not to mention, the 2 hour conversation last night with her made things very clear. I never imagined I'd be asked to give marriage advice to the BS :-s Whatever happens between them, now has nothing to do with me - as she has been mentally preparing to leave and even asked him to divorce this week.

 

Tbh, as much as I love the exMM, the person he is, would destroy my sanity due to his compulsive lying. I just want him to be happy and would've been there to support him. Hell, the BS even said she didn't mind if he wanted to stay friends with me as she knows he has no other close friends - just she would probably feel a bit awkward knowing he was meeting me.

[SoleMate]

OP, I can see you're still thinking and talking about the married couple in detail....true NC does not begin until you purge those words and thoughts out of your head. Completely. How about you put a rubber band on your wrist, and whenever any thought crosses your mind of exMM, exBS, or ex-affair, snap the band! Stop it!

[Majormisstep]

So sorry for your pain Robin.

 

No, no, no....2016 is not starting on a horrible note. It's a GOOD note. Your first day of freedom. No more ties to an unavailable man who was never going to leave his W for you..or anyone really. No more waiting for texts, phone calls, when can I see you. Freedom.

 

NC will hurt like hell, but you have no other choice. They both will fight for their marriage. Yes she wants to divorce now in the turmoil of d-day, but once the dust settles and he's convinced her you are out of the picture, they will work to reconcile.

 

You can't be his friend Robin. That alone is signing up for an extra helping of self torture.

[Robin17]

Thanks Solemate, things are just very raw and fresh with me at the moment and everything's just going around in my head. If I could flick a switch and shut it all out, I would :-(I'll have a very red wrist if I did that now, lol

 

pretty messed up that you were cheated on, and then you get involved in something like this.

 

Yeah thanks for that. I'm quite aware of the irony but it's not like ever wanted or planned to be involved with a MM. As I'm sure you've seen on here, people get involved for all different kinds of reasons and I genuinely could see me and exMM having a future at one point.

 

Thanks Majormisstep. It's hurting like a bitch atm. Losing someone I've held dear for so long is causing me a lot of grief. You can all probably relate to losing something/someone that means the world to you, flaws and all. I'm only human, with real feelings and I've had the ****test xmas hols ever. I'm trying to keep positive but I'm struggling with never speaking or seeing exMM again. Despite the lies, he had been there for me for everything and I feel sad that he was close to commiting suicide 2 days ago :-( and I'm helpless and know I shouldn't care about him anymore but I dare any of you to not feel some compassion in this situation.

[anika99]

I know how she feels, I was cheated on 10 years ago. Not to mention, the 2 hour conversation last night with her made things very clear. I never imagined I'd be asked to give marriage advice to the BS :-s Whatever happens between them, now has nothing to do with me - as she has been mentally preparing to leave and even asked him to divorce this week.

 

You should not be giving marriage advice to anyone, especially the BS and if she ever realizes the extend of how much she has been deceived and made a fool of she will cringe at the memory of being given marriage advice by you

 

Tbh, as much as I love the exMM, the person he is, would destroy my sanity due to his compulsive lying. I just want him to be happy and would've been there to support him. Hell, the BS even said she didn't mind if he wanted to stay friends with me as she knows he has no other close friends - just she would probably feel a bit awkward knowing he was meeting me.

 

There is a bible verse that goes somewhat along the lines of "don't try to remove a silver from your brother's eye when you have a board in your own eye". The gist of which is don't judge or try to fix other people when you have your own faults to address. The MM may be a chronic liar but you were more than happy to participate with him in the lies and gaslighting of his wife between DDay 1 and DDay 2. Perhaps your focus should be on why you did that rather than on the MM and his crimes.

[sandylee1]

Best to leave the couple to it. Their troubled marriage doesn't need a third person in it. In the future try and have better boundaries and not form such friendships with married men. That only leads you down the wrong path... and a MM should NEVER be your best friend..unless he's your husband.

 

Affairs make people lie.. it's par for the course.....

You call him a compulsive liar......but you were part of the lies and you were doing wrong as well. An affair needs a vital component ....and that's another person .......you were that person who kept it going.

 

Block him and don't contact him. Have some empathy for the poor BW ..... would you want your sister /friend /mother treated in this way?

[Robin17]

There is a bible verse that goes somewhat along the lines of "don't try to remove a silver from your brother's eye when you have a board in your own eye". The gist of which is don't judge or try to fix other people when you have your own faults to address. The MM may be a chronic liar but you were more than happy to participate with him in the lies and gaslighting of his wife between DDay 1 and DDay 2. Perhaps your focus should be on why you did that rather than on the MM and his crimes.

 

I know I have a lot to answer for in playing my part in the A. I didn't however seek out the BS, she asked me yesterday if she could talk to me as she couldn't trust MM to be fully honest. Did I owe her anything? No. I just felt I'd been a ****ty enough person to play a part in destroying her as a person, I would take the hit and let her ask me whatever she needed. It will never happen again, as I don't want to be dragged in to fix their mess whenever they have issues.

 

Best to leave the couple to it. Their troubled marriage doesn't need a third person in it. In the future try and have better boundaries and not form such friendships with married men. That only leads you down the wrong path... and a MM should NEVER be your best friend..unless he's your husband.

 

Affairs make people lie.. it's par for the course.....

You call him a compulsive liar......but you were part of the lies and you were doing wrong as well. An affair needs a vital component ....and that's another person .......you were that person who kept it going.

 

Block him and don't contact him. Have some empathy for the poor BW ..... would you want your sister /friend /mother treated in this way?

 

MM was recently medically diagnosed with a disorder, one that has existed since childhood. As much as I am to blame, I tried my best to get MM to be honest and either leave me alone or focus on his marriage. I could've walked away but things were actually amazing between us. You can't help who you click with in life, so I don't think I should be penalised for the PA that turned into a solid friendship. HE owed it to his marriage to be honest, not me.

 

I was only honest with BS as the 1st Dday the evidence was stacked against us, plus I'd had a family death that day, so wasn't in the mood for more drama. I only covered for the next 16months because MM said if I told BS the truth, his marriage may be over AND he wouldn't talk to me again if I was the reason his marriage fell apart. Whether it was right or wrong, Xmas Day I couldn't continue this pretence, as MM had lied to me about something major and I didn't feel he deserved my protection anymore.

 

I may have temporarily lost my moral compass but doesn't take away the hurt and disappointment I gave everything to him and feel awful it's ended this way. Of course I feel for the BS, I wouldn't have let her call me yest! Poor lady had no one else she could turn to and ask questions, more so as we are the only people who know about MM's compulsive lying. Don't think I enjoyed this for one moment though

Edited January 1, 2016 by Robin17