Friend tried to have sex with my boyfriend today

[lollipopspot]

I strongly feel my bf is innocent.

 

I only started to wonder after a male friend told me to npt blindly believe him.

 

Has this friend met your bf?

[ExpatInItaly]

He may have made it all up to come between you and your friend for some reason. Really, it could be anything, and I try not to apply logic to the crappy, selfish things that people do. Often, there is no logic other than the twisted version of it that exists only in their minds.

 

Either one of them could be lying, but the story that your boyfriend gave seemed a bit off.

 

4 months with a guy, vs. 4 years with your friend. I found it concerning that you immediately started calling your friend a "skank," tearing apart her life, sharing intimate details about her father molesting children, and blindly trusting your boyfriend...gushing about how perfect he is. You weren't even going to ask for her side of the story!

 

Over the last four years, has your friend ever done anything like this? Is she a known liar? Is she the kind of person that would intentionally try to destroy a friend's relationship and then lie about it all? You know her...you don't know him. Do you have any reason to believe that she is capable of doing something like this?

 

Take off your love goggles and look at this situation properly. I fear that you may be unable to do this, and could potentially sacrifice a good friendship for a sh*tty relationship.

 

Proceed with caution. Good luck.

 

All of this.

 

Something is very off about this whole scenario.

 

How was she when you returned to her house after this whole incident apparently took place?

[Buddhist]

I could have had a relationship anytime I wanted. Instead I rejected LOTS of perfectly cute successful and kind seeming men. Some I really clicked with.

 

Why? For an ex drug user? Okay.... I've seen that before too.

 

Lol. If I was desperate for a relationship in an of itself, I would not have constantly rejected perfectly great seeming guys.

 

I was holding out for something earth shattering.

 

And you got it, by the sounds of things. I just hope it's not your world he's shattering here.

[Leigh 87]

Yes.

 

Your guy isn't all he's cracked up to be and is playing games with you.

 

This will not end well...

 

Aren't you jumping to conclusions?

 

He has done everything right so far.

 

He hasn't done anything to indicate that he isn't crazy about me.

 

He has no reason to use me. I am not that hot (just cute) and have no high income. He supports me while I have been studying. Yet he's shown no signa of being controlling or abusive. He lets me see male friends etc.

 

Why immediately side with me friend and assume he's lying?

 

I could ruin potentially great relationship if I just assume the worst about him.

 

Plus my friend swore he didn't make moves on her.

[Leigh 87]

All of this.

 

Something is very off about this whole scenario.

 

How was she when you returned to her house after this whole incident apparently took place?

 

What's off?

 

My bf told me she made a pass. At him. What is off about it? Not all men are liars.

 

Until a mate of mine told me that many men cheat and do this stuff (blame the friend involved etc) I had no bad gut instincts on the matter. Only after my mate, who hasn't met my bf, told me did I think wow some men really do that.

[Leigh 87]

Why? For an ex drug user? Okay.... I've seen that before too.

 

 

 

And you got it, by the sounds of things. I just hope it's not your world he's shattering here.

 

Plenty of successful cute men wanted to date me.

 

I was holding out for intense chemistry and connections in addition to emotional and intellectual compatability.

 

I didn't feel fireworks or excitement surrounding those other men. I'd rather a recovered drug addict who spoils me, treats me well and who I have butterflies for than a guy who never touched drugs and my heart doesn't yesrn for.

[almond]

Until a mate of mine told me that many men cheat and do this stuff (blame the friend involved etc) I had no bad gut instincts on the matter. Only after my mate, who hasn't met my bf, told me did I think wow some men really do that.

 

So you can assume at the drop of a hat that a close friend of four years can screw you over and lie to you, but a man you've known for only a few weeks could never do such a thing?

 

The fact that it took a friend telling you that men can cheat and lie for you to even consider it as a possibility is very concerning. You know that men can do this, but you're too obsessed with your relationship to look at things objectively. You were ready to throw a long term friendship away without even asking for her side of the story. Your thought patterns are off.

[ExpatInItaly]

What's off?

 

My bf told me she made a pass. At him. What is off about it? Not all men are liars.

 

Until a mate of mine told me that many men cheat and do this stuff (blame the friend involved etc) I had no bad gut instincts on the matter. Only after my mate, who hasn't met my bf, told me did I think wow some men really do that.

 

What's off is that someone is clearly lying to you.

 

What's also off is that you went from questioning whether he is mentally ill/a sociopath, to refusing to confront your friend.

 

So she's denied it. I take it you don't believe her.

 

What did you say to her? (After she denied, I mean)

[Snakechammah]

Leigh...

 

He said she did.

 

She said she didn't.

 

There is an obvious disconnect here. Their stories don't match. Clearly, somebody is lying....

[TunaCat]

I believe your friend, Leigh.

 

You've known her for 4 years and all of a sudden you want nothing to do with her just because your boyfriend said she tried to have sex with him? And you resisted talking to her about what happened instead of insisting that you get her side as well.

 

You've only been dating the boyfriend for 4 months. Why is his word instantly more believable than hers?

 

If she really has problems, why aren't you kinder to her? I mean, you have yet to say ONE kind thing about her.

[Rejected Rosebud]

on some other thread you said that your boyfriend has serious mental problems. What kind??

 

Also Leigh nobody here is challenging that you have a hot body and lots of men after you all the time.

[Leigh 87]

I believe your friend, Leigh.

 

You've known her for 4 years and all of a sudden you want nothing to do with her just because your boyfriend said she tried to have sex with him? And you resisted talking to her about what happened instead of insisting that you get her side as well.

 

You've only been dating the boyfriend for 4 months. Why is his word instantly more believable than hers?

 

If she really has problems, why aren't you kinder to her? I mean, you have yet to say ONE kind thing about her.

 

 

She also swore that nothing happened. That he didn't make any moves.

[xxoo]

She also swore that nothing happened. That he didn't make any moves.

 

Did she act odd between the time of you arriving home and you confronting her?

[Leigh 87]

I dunno.

 

I don't know what to think.

 

This has put a massive strain on our relationship.

[Rejected Rosebud]

I dunno.

 

I don't know what to think.

 

This has put a massive strain on our relationship.

The reason I keep on asking about the type of mental problems he has is that I wonder if that might have something to do with this. Or maybe he's a blackout drinker and had no idea what was going on.

[Els]

If your friend had just been wanting to mess things up between you and your bf as you claimed, why would she swear that he didn't make any moves on her? If she was truly trying to snatch your bf and inclined to lie for her own gain, she would lie that he HAD. Her not doing so, points towards a higher likelihood of her telling the truth.

 

Frankly I think everything you've said implicates your bf more than your friend, and the fact that it took about 3 pages' worth of posts to convince you to even TALK to her about it says a lot about the dynamics at play here. And the fact that during those 3 pages, you slagged your 'friend' of 4 years off several times (calling her unattractive, etc) before you'd even talked to her... that says more about your thought processes than it does about anyone else.

 

Leigh, please, are you getting any sort of counseling/therapy? You mentioned considering it in the past and I hope you have tried.

[Leigh 87]

The reason I keep on asking about the type of mental problems he has is that I wonder if that might have something to do with this. Or maybe he's a blackout drinker and had no idea what was going on.

 

He doesn't get drunk. It was a one off. I don't believe him to be the type to get blackout drunk regularly.

 

He has social anxiety. He's amazing with people but struggles; he doesn't like being around people because people have betrayed him really badly which lead to his social anxiety.

 

I shouldn't have said major mental issues. He has just gone through a lot in life.

[Leigh 87]

If your friend had just been wanting to mess things up between you and your bf as you claimed, why would she swear that he didn't make any moves on her? If she was truly trying to snatch your bf and inclined to lie for her own gain, she would lie that he HAD. Her not doing so, points towards a higher likelihood of her telling the truth.

 

Frankly I think everything you've said implicates your bf more than your friend, and the fact that it took about 3 pages' worth of posts to convince you to even TALK to her about it says a lot about the dynamics at play here. And the fact that during those 3 pages, you slagged your 'friend' of 4 years off several times (calling her unattractive, etc) before you'd even talked to her... that says more about your thought processes than it does about anyone else.

 

Leigh, please, are you getting any sort of counseling/therapy? You mentioned considering it in the past and I hope you have tried.

 

Umm I believe she tried to get into bed with him. And is lying to me.

 

I don't believe he made it up.

 

Just the way in which he told me and my experience with cheaters and liars in the past tells me that he's not lying.

 

I never said my friend was un attractive. She is quite pretty. My bf thinks she's pretty. But she certainly isn't enough to make me fear that she'd be abke to seduce him; not when he seems to love me so much.

[bathtub-row]

Leigh, I don't know if your bf is lying to you or not but I will say that you're banking way too much on this idea that he's above reproach and that he doesn't fit your idea of cheaters. I'd suggest that you wrap your mind around the fact that people can be fantastically great liars and you'll never have a clue.

 

I'm not saying he is or isn't lying, but you can't make decisions based on what you think a cheater acts like. Trust me, when a person wants to fool you, some will take it to great lengths.

 

My problem with this whole thing is the conflicting info and the length of time you've known this guy. The fact that he has social issues is another strike against him. I have to wonder if he's as amazing as you think he is.

 

What do your family and friends think of him? Did you tell your friend what he said about her hitting on him?

[Leigh 87]

Leigh, I don't know if your bf is lying to you or not but I will say that you're banking way too much on this idea that he's above reproach and that he doesn't fit your idea of cheaters. I'd suggest that you wrap your mind around the fact that people can be fantastically great liars and you'll never have a clue.

 

I'm not saying he is or isn't lying, but you can't make decisions based on what you think a cheater acts like. Trust me, when a person wants to fool you, some will take it to great lengths.

 

My problem with this whole thing is the conflicting info and the length of time you've known this guy. The fact that he has social issues is another strike against him. I have to wonder if he's as amazing as you think he is.

 

What do your family and friends think of him? Did you tell your friend what he said about her hitting on him?

 

Parents love him.

 

He's the first guy they have liked.

 

They believe my friend acted out. And they know her.

[TaraMaiden2]

There are threads on here from women who were - and are - married to men they truly believed they knew, who they truly believed loved them, and who truly believed respected them. They then recount how slowly, their lives unravelled as they discovered the man they THOUGHT they knew, had lied, lie upon lie, at every turn, and is still continuing to lie, lie, lie, and lie again.

 

When there are two versions, there is probable truth in BOTH of them.

In such situations, nobody ever lies completely.

 

Neither is their truth whole and unpolluted.

Your friend may well have broken your trust.

 

It is not beyond the scope of any person, to suppose that actually he may have done the same, and believes you to be so much in love with him, that you will not only give him the benefit of the doubt, but you will utterly throw away all vestiges of a long-term friendship, for the potentially-fragile 'security' of a relationship with a man you've known for fewer than 6 months.

 

By all means answer to Love.

But don't ever be so naive as to suppose that the integrity you bestow upon someone, is deserved, merited or justified.

 

Remember back to the days when you discussed your first BF, and how much you trusted him, and accepted his sexual proclivities....?

That went well, didn't it?

[GemmaUK]

Parents love him.

 

He's the first guy they have liked.

 

They believe my friend acted out. And they know her.

 

And how do you get on with his parents and siblings?

What are his friends and work friends like?

[Leigh 87]

There are threads on here from women who were - and are - married to men they truly believed they knew, who they truly believed loved them, and who truly believed respected them. They then recount how slowly, their lives unravelled as they discovered the man they THOUGHT they knew, had lied, lie upon lie, at every turn, and is still continuing to lie, lie, lie, and lie again.

 

When there are two versions, there is probable truth in BOTH of them.

In such situations, nobody ever lies completely.

 

Neither is their truth whole and unpolluted.

Your friend may well have broken your trust.

 

It is not beyond the scope of any person, to suppose that actually he may have done the same, and believes you to be so much in love with him, that you will not only give him the benefit of the doubt, but you will utterly throw away all vestiges of a long-term friendship, for the potentially-fragile 'security' of a relationship with a man you've known for fewer than 6 months.

 

By all means answer to Love.

But don't ever be so naive as to suppose that the integrity you bestow upon someone, is deserved, merited or justified.

 

Remember back to the days when you discussed your first BF, and how much you trusted him, and accepted his sexual proclivities....?

That went well, didn't it?

 

I always had a feeling that Andrew wasn't smitten. He was certainly not enamored with me.

 

I was 24 when we met. I had been totally abstinent for 5 years. I had zero experience with dating.

 

In retrospect, I never had a safe or good feeling about my exes. And this guy has been wonderful so far.

 

I'd never break up with him over my friend. I need to give him a chance. We are head over heels in love and he's everything I've ever wanted.

 

Her daughters love me so I'll still see them all occasionally.

[TaraMaiden2]

...I'd never break up with him over my friend. I need to give him a chance. We are head over heels in love and he's everything I've ever wanted.

I've heard that before. And to discard the friendship of a person you've known, and understood, for the past 4 years, for one that is still very embryonic, is misguided to say the least.

In your shoes, I'd get them together, and grill them both.... That should prove interesting to say the least.

 

Her daughters love me so I'll still see them all occasionally.

This won't go well.

You can't have a foot in both camps, Leigh.

Either it all stops, and she understands your displeasure and position, or you embrace them as a whole and continue....

[Leigh 87]

And how do you get on with his parents and siblings?

What are his friends and work friends like?

 

One of my friends who is a lot older and wiser than me has met my bf. She thinks he's legit. He's the only bf I've had that she's trusted and liked.

 

He's from Ukraine. The father and grandparents are there. He hasn't seen them since he was 10 but he talks to them often. His mother apparently isn't a good woman. She'd sleep with men whilst my bf was a child, sleeping in the same room:sick:

 

He's very solitary yet is still great around people. He is definitely not the type to need a gf or enter into a relationship unless it's a big deal. He'd been single for years.

 

We clicked. In addition to the great sexual chemistry. I have never experienced anything like it- I feel safe and sure that he's into me in addition to having the massive spark women tend to only feel due to unavailability.

 

So far he's been wonderful. He had a pretty poorly paid job yet wired me through hundreds to help me whilst overseas in South America, when my bag was stolen at the airport. .....

 

He spoils me with all 5 love languages.

 

He has very traditional values..... he isn't into hanging out with exes or opposite sex friends. He holds the door open and treats me on dates.

 

He's been so kind and respectful so I won't be breaking up with him. There just isn't any hard evidence that he's a slime ball yet.

 

He has an other worldly sex life with me and has absolutely no reason to need sex elsewhere.

 

I don't feel like he's cheated or lied. My friends and parents called bull****e with ALL my exes. They ALL think he's innocent.

 

I'll give the relationship a chance and let time tell. He can't maintain a charade forever if he's hypothetically guilty. He'd act again. He chooses to spend his time with me and is only apart for work and hasn't given me any bad gut feelings as of yet.

 

He's helped me massively with my issues.