Friend tried to have sex with my boyfriend today

January 2, 2016

I've heard that before. And to discard the friendship of a person you've known, and understood, for the past 4 years, for one that is still very embryonic, is misguided to say the least.
In your shoes, I'd get them together, and grill them both.... That should prove interesting to say the least.

This won't go well.
You can't have a foot in both camps, Leigh.
Either it all stops, and she understands your displeasure and position, or you embrace them as a whole and continue....

I have another friend.

If SHE had made such accusations, I'd know something was off.

With this former friend. .. she's a little unstable and I do believe it's possible that she got drunk and stuffed up.

I don't think she's a bad person.... she's just troubled.

January 2, 2016

The night prior she made it known that she found him hot too.

January 2, 2016

I would be doing two things here.

Considering he says you are the love of his life I would be suggesting you both Skype call with his relatives so that he can introduce you. It's definitely time for that if you are indeed the love of his life. He would be keen to introduce you.

I would also plan a day out or a nice lunch or something with your friend and tell him that you are seeing her.

I think his reactions to both would likely tell you all you'd need to know.

I do find it quite odd that you don't know what things were like when you returned home with the kids.

Edited January 2, 2016 by GemmaUK

January 2, 2016

I strongly feel my bf is innocent.

I only started to wonder after a male friend told me to npt blindly believe him.

It's sickening thinking about him lying. I just don't believe he'd want other women. Especially not her. He honestly seems legitimately head over heels in love with me.

I would be shocked if he slept with her. I am not anywhere near as shocked about my friend.

It just feels.... real this time. With my boyfriend. Plus my friend hasn't talked to me. So if he was in the wrong, surely she would have told me by now?

My boyfriend has shown amazing qualities. Even in his old low paying job, be sent me money while I was overseas. Just because. Not because I asked or alluded to needing it. He does everything he can to show his love. He loves quality time witb me. He showers me with ALL 5 love languages. ..

I reallydon't have the feeling that he's sticking around with me whilst he shags my less attractive older friends withchildren. I mean it doesn't fit his profile. ... he is relationship orientated. He was waiting for the love of his lifeand was single for years. Has only had one prior relationship. He doesn't date around.

He seems so much more about seeking quality, rare connections as opposedto cheap thrills. It just isn't who I think he is.

When it comes to husband/ bf, many people get stupid and blind.

They dont want to hear the truth. And even if you tell them, they will think you are a hater and trying to break their romantic bubble.

So that can be a reason or make it hard for people to tell others what their bf/husband is doing.

But if she is your freind she should find a way to tell you anyway.

But the way u react here, makes me think that you will be acting same way if someone told you your bf did something like that.

I dont mean you have to believe or think he did.

But you seem like you hold very hard on him not able to do any wrong.

In a way that can make it hard for yourself to get a real view of your own relationships.

January 2, 2016

I definitely don't think you should break up with him over this and, as far as your friend is concerned, there doesn't seem to be any love lost.

Again, my only concern is this blind trust you have for someone you really don't know that well. You also seem to think that you have access to his true feelings about his sexual experience with you, and that he wouldn't dream of cheating because of his sex life with you. That is completely a false assumption. Some men simply cheat for the sake of their egos so don't make the mistake of thinking that you're safe because of that.

However, having said all of that, for the most part, he sounds like a good guy, especially if your friends and family like him. As you say, let time prove you right and I certainly hope it all works out for you.

I think that if I were in your position, I'd say something like this to him, "Because you have so far shown me that you're a really good guy and have my best interests at heart, I'm going to believe you on this one. If this topic ever comes up again, then I'm sure you understand that I won't be so trusting. And for the record, I just want you to know that you are free to do anything you want with anyone you want but just understand that I will not tolerate infidelity for any reason -- if you were drunk, depressed, angry with me, or whatever -- it doesn't matter. I will walk away if you cheat on me because I have a zero tolerance for that. As far as I'm concerned, this whole topic is now closed and we can get back to our happy life together."

And then that's what I would do. You need to make your position clear and, once you do that, there's no point in continuing to talk about it and let it stress you out. Because it will tear up your relationship. Wishing you the best!

January 2, 2016

Don't be hanging around her children if you've ended the friendship with their mother. That's not a wise idea.

Given that you said you think she is lying, have you told her you can't be friends with her anymore? How did she react?

January 2, 2016

Your former friend has no reason to be honest. Your bf had no reason to tell you any of this if he DID have sex with her, so I think he is probably telling the truth and his past behavior towards you show you his good character.

January 2, 2016

GEMMA UK- He has introduced me to his father and family via skype. His idea. And he did it after a couple of months.

His mothers side lives in a different state. And he dislikes his mother as a person and they aren't talking.

January 2, 2016

My bf hates drama. Why would he make up this crap? That would inevitably lead to drama?

Especially when my friend said he didn't do anything wrong?

My text to her: " hey, I was just wanting to hear your side of the story regarding what happened when I went to the shops with the kids "

She rant me immediately. She said " omg wtf babe, do you really think I'd do that??!?!??"

She acted all indignant. I calmly said okay then. That's fine. But may I ask, did my bf make a move on you?

Again- she denied it. She said "as if I wouldn't tell you Leigh"

Then 10 hrs later at 3am she texted " get *****ed Leigh. If that's what you think of me good riddance. Good luck with everything in your life "

So I dunno what to think. It's very upsetting. I didn't jump down her throat about it. I simply asked her for her version of events.

January 2, 2016

Yeah, she's guilty, and is running away from you rather than dealing with the consequences of her behavior.

January 2, 2016

My bf hates drama. Why would he make up this crap? That would inevitably lead to drama?

Especially when my friend said he didn't do anything wrong?

My text to her: " hey, I was just wanting to hear your side of the story regarding what happened when I went to the shops with the kids "

She rant me immediately. She said " omg wtf babe, do you really think I'd do that??!?!??"

She acted all indignant. I calmly said okay then. That's fine. But may I ask, did my bf make a move on you?

Again- she denied it. She said "as if I wouldn't tell you Leigh"

Then 10 hrs later at 3am she texted " get *****ed Leigh. If that's what you think of me good riddance. Good luck with everything in your life "

So I dunno what to think. It's very upsetting. I didn't jump down her throat about it. I simply asked her for her version of events.

She obviously understands you don't believe her. Whether her reaction is stemming from guilt or genuine hurt is difficult to say. But it is safe to say the friendship is over.

One question I didn't see answered - when you came back to her house with her kids, how was she behaving?

Also, did you tell your boyfriend she denied everything? And what was his reaction?

Edited January 2, 2016 by ExpatInItaly

January 2, 2016

Men are not going to wake up one morning and say "hmmm, nothing to do today, so I will make up some big lie about my girls freind, who has previously done nothing wrong to me or my woman, just for the fun of it.

Or, did your freind (who you think is shady), bring her kids over, send you out with them for a few hours (why didnt she take her own kids?) and made a move on your drunk BF. And now she says F U?

Anyone who thinks that because she has been your " freind" for 4 years, it didnt happen is delusional. Your girl freinds flirt with us all the time. Subtle, but its there.

Your BF probaly told you the truth and some people here suggest you hang him for it. Do not each your BF to lie. Instead, appreciate the fact that he told you when something shady happened and encourage him to always be upfront with you.

Edited January 2, 2016 by 66Charger

January 2, 2016

Leigh - I don't know if your bf is innocent or your gf is innocent or if either one or both of them are pathological liars ...

BUT. You need to change things if you want this or any relationship to last and be healthy.

For one thing you IMMEDIATELY went to the place of wondering if your BF is a sociopath over this. Now you are backpedaling on that but you DID it. That shows that you actually do not trust him no matter how many pages you go on and on and on afterwards. Maybe he is not trustworthy but maybe it's just that YOU can't trust. Either one makes a healthy relationship impossible.

Also the fact that you have talked about this with every single person that you know including a "close male friend" is damaging to your relationship. If you were secure in that your "friend" is just a nasty skank who would do this to you, why instill doubts about your bf in all the people you know??

It's not wrong that you talked about it, but you are clearly demonstrating that you have doubts about your bf. That is hurtful to your relationship.

You said that this has put a lot of strain on your relationship, I can understand that. But what are you DOING having people black out drunk and vomiting at your house with little kids around??? What kind of behavior is that?? :( It sounds like kind of a sleazy scene where anything could happen.

You still live in your parent's flat, at their expense, your bf lives there with you, you pay his bills, it appears to be a drunken crash pad, that is not a good setup for adults who are supposed to be in a "serious relationship."

Sorry but you need to look at all this stuff - you have to live like an adult in a serious relationship if you want to actually have one.

January 2, 2016

I believe your friend is telling the truth for several reasons.

She has rough luck with men - she is probably of quite caring nature and has let herself get walked all over by men in the past. She probably wouldn't have it in her to do something like this much the same as you wouldn't do this kind of thing either.

She called you right after you sent the text. No waiting around. She would have stewed and worried about it before calling or responding if she was at fault. Plus it would have been easier to lie via a text. Voice tone shows a lot when someone has been busted and is lying.

She has been thinking about it and realised you believe him so she is angry which is why she texted you at 3am. Nope, sorry, this is not the behaviour of someone who has lied. She would have left all of it well alone.

Your guy on the other hand, this is what I see:

He's charming: He has won you over, your friends and your family. You ay he is great with people - all well and good. But it makes no sense whatsoever then that he has no friends. Either he has none or he is keeping you away from any friends he does have.

You are the love of his life: This happened very fast from what I can gather, maybe he has also said you are his soulmate too? That's all well and good but very quick but then also, you like going on dates, you always seemed to like that and it's something you said in this thread you like. Are you just adapting to suddenly not wanting that? You always seem pretty social to me yet now that doesn't much seem like one of your 'hobbies'.

Love Bombing: Yep, all this money he splashes out is love bombing you. Hundreds/thousands (as you have said) of bucks sent to you is really not right. I also don't understand why you pay his $160 phone bill every month?

These chunks of money he suddenly has make me wonder if he is doing some dealing on the side I'm afraid. He could be rolling along just about with his new salary and his other bills, you are making sure his phone bill gets paid (which seems really high to me btw if he skypes his folks and then only really contacts you on his phone). Then he comes into a chunk of money and splurges on you.

High sexual chemistry: As you have said but then he uses all 5 love languages?? He certainly has it all down. That would take some thought and practice to keep that up for much longer. People don't usually use all five.

Quick to hook up?: How quick did you two hit the sack?

Bit of pity play: The story about his mother and also not seeing his family that he is in contact with since he was 10. I suspect he was pretty emotional about all of that wasn't he?

Blaming others: So far I know that he blames people for his social anxiety. Does he blame anyone else for anything else?

Does he use intense eye contact on you? Really intense? Does he always smile with his eyes or mostly not?

I think he caught on to your friend saying he looked good the night before and then made this all up. The way he worded what he said was negging you. He knows your insecurities and they are something you confess to telling a guy about early on as you have said before.

I think he made this story up to isolate you from your friend.

The whole list above is from a book I am currently reading on sociopaths btw. The bolded parts being traits to watch out for. He appears to pretty much fit each category but with just a couple I am unsure of.

Sorry Leigh but I really think you should go and see your friend.

January 2, 2016

I just don't see any reason why he would make up the story of your friend trying to bang him unless that is what happened, or he tried to sleep with her and was turned down.

My money is on the latter - he drunkenly approached Leigh's friend, who perhaps had been flirting with him but wasn't prepared to actually act on her flirtations, and subsequently turned him down. Since nothing actually happened, they agreed to keep quiet but, when Leigh came home, he realised how precarious his position was, so he presented a scenario that (he thought) protects him. This way, he's on record first and his story would seem more credible.

I'm with Tara - get them together and ask them what happened. Should be interesting.

January 2, 2016

I think it's plausible that she started the conversation about "why are you with Leigh?" while Leigh was out, and it offended him and made him feel threatened, and that's why he made up the story of her hitting on him to create a rift between Leigh and the friend.

January 2, 2016

My money is on the latter - he drunkenly approached Leigh's friend, who perhaps had been flirting with him but wasn't prepared to actually act on her flirtations, and subsequently turned him down. Since nothing actually happened, they agreed to keep quiet but, when Leigh came home, he realised how precarious his position was, so he presented a scenario that (he thought) protects him. This way, he's on record first and his story would seem more credible.

I'm with Tara - get them together and ask them what happened. Should be interesting.

This is what I am wondering too. Guilt on both parts to some extent, with an agreement to keep it under wraps.

Leigh, whatever the case is, take care of yourself. Don't get too caught up in the honeymoon phase too early - and I'd say that to anyone. Please take into consideration some of the points GemmaUK made in her previous post. There are a few things that raise a red flag or two and I hope you take a moment to consider them as objectively as you can.

January 2, 2016

So she is trying to seduce your boyfriend and all she can talk about is how hot you are? That sounds ridiculous

January 2, 2016

Somebody has to say it so I will.

Has anyone in this thread read Leigh's other threads/posts?

Every. Single. One includes her explaining how hot she is, how she has a porn star body but that doesn't matter cause she wants "chemistry" and "sparks"

This thread in particular is a huge cry for attention, IMHO.

Am I the only one here who reads this as a badly written soap opera? Has anyone here been seduced in the way she described? This feels like badly written fiction. I'm sorry, but I don't believe any of this based on the OP's history.

January 2, 2016

Somebody has to say it so I will.

Has anyone in this thread read Leigh's other threads/posts?

Every. Single. One includes her explaining how hot she is, how she has a porn star body but that doesn't matter cause she wants "chemistry" and "sparks"

Leigh is known for having a fragile sense of self. All this talk about her hotness etc is false bravado because she feels insecure. When you're fully invested in something like the appearance of your body you can't be secure because time marches on and one day you will be the older woman you think is unattractive. That's the general vibe I always get from her posts anyway. She claims to love herself but has some really negative PUA type attitudes towards women in general which can't be helping. She is one, after all. You can't denigrate something you're a member of and be healthy at the same time.

She's clinging to the idea that this relationship is her ideal relationship and that's why she's instantly siding with a boyfriend she hardly knows. I don't wish her any ill but I can see where that is heading and it will be heartbreak.....for her.

January 2, 2016

Leigh is known for having a fragile sense of self. All this talk about her hotness etc is false bravado because she feels insecure. When you're fully invested in something like the appearance of your body you can't be secure because time marches on and one day you will be the older woman you think is unattractive. That's the general vibe I always get from her posts anyway. She claims to love herself but has some really negative PUA type attitudes towards women in general which can't be helping. She is one, after all. You can't denigrate something you're a member of and be healthy at the same time.

She's clinging to the idea that this relationship is her ideal relationship and that's why she's instantly siding with a boyfriend she hardly knows. I don't wish her any ill but I can see where that is heading and it will be heartbreak.....for her.

And I understand all of that of course but this interaction she was apparently told happened by her BF sounds so contrived that I have a hard time believing any of it. Why was the word "hot" so often used? Who does that in real life while trying to seduce someone? "Your girlfriend is so hot, is that why you're with her?" "How do I get someone hot like you?"

This stuff happens in movies. I'm not saying it's impossible but the whole theme of this interaction her BF said happened only focuses on physical attraction which seems to be the biggest trend in OP's threads and posts here.

It's fishy.

Edited January 2, 2016 by brakco

January 2, 2016

When a family member's boyfriend hit on me years ago, I didn't tell her for two months - when she wanted him to be here for Christmas, and he kept pushing her to ask why I didn't want him here.

He got drunk, and hit on me. When my sister got home, I didn't say anything, but HE had a story all made up, about how I'd misinterpreted his actions, I was delusional, etc, etc.

January 2, 2016

Have you considered either of the following possibilities:

That your friend was may have been looking for a place to rest/sober up and your bf mistakenly thought she was coming onto him? Maybe her butt rubbing against him was an accident?

Your friend was too drunk to remember clearly?

January 2, 2016

And I understand all of that of course but this interaction she was apparently told happened by her BF sounds so contrived that I have a hard time believing any of it. Why was the word "hot" so often used? Who does that in real life while trying to seduce someone? "Your girlfriend is so hot, is that why you're with her?" "How do I get someone hot like you?"

This stuff happens in movies. I'm not saying it's impossible but the whole theme of this interaction her BF said happened only focuses on physical attraction which seems to be the biggest trend in OP's threads and posts here.

It's fishy.

It reads like a boyfriend trying to stroke his girlfriend's ego, esp since he knows that being thought of as "hot" is her priority #1.

I believe the friend may have brought up "why are you with Leigh?" out of protectiveness, but the rest is very fishy. Esp if the friend wasn't acting odd at all when the OP returned with the kids.

January 2, 2016

And I understand all of that of course but this interaction she was apparently told happened by her BF sounds so contrived that I have a hard time believing any of it. Why was the word "hot" so often used? Who does that in real life while trying to seduce someone? "Your girlfriend is so hot, is that why you're with her?" "How do I get someone hot like you?"

I agree with you there. It sounds entirely implausible.

but the whole theme of this interaction her BF said happened only focuses on physical attraction which seems to be the biggest trend in OP's threads and posts here.

It's fishy.

Agreed. Just about nothing in the story makes any sense.

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