Vik83 Posted January 1, 2016 Share Posted January 1, 2016 I am 32, work full time, mum of a toddler and left my husband 6 months ago. He was narcissistic and manipulative. I've found the last week one of the hardest after leaving him- not because I miss HIM but because I am really struggling with finding my identity post-separation, I am also very lonely. My 11 year relationship with him was (I now, with hindsight, realise) about his wants and needs and things were very much his way. I struggled to maintain friendships because my life revolved around him. I'm very lucky and have several close friends but they live long distance so seeing them frequently is difficult. Any advice on how to 'find myself' again is very much appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 1, 2016 Share Posted January 1, 2016 (edited) When I was newly separated, I tried so many new things and got to meet new people. I had no idea who I was anymore, so it was like a journey of self discovery. Some of the things I found were basic - like going out to a cafe or pub for lunch with friends. Others were new skills - such a bellydancing. I also changed jobs when I was secure enough. Do you have family who can mind your toddler simetimes? If so, just try new stuff. And don't be sad if you try something and find its not for you - just drop it any try something new again. Edited January 1, 2016 by basil67 1 Link to post Share on other sites
loveboid Posted January 1, 2016 Share Posted January 1, 2016 Meditate for a few minutes each day. It'll help center you for the rest of the day. Link to post Share on other sites
Jan 79 Posted January 1, 2016 Share Posted January 1, 2016 Hi Vik, Your post sounds familiar to me. Firstly, I think you are a very brave lady for realising that he was not the man for you and he made you very miserable. To stand up to that fact and move on is an exceptionally brave and inspiration move. So pat yourself on the back for doing a very hard thing. Secondly, the issue seems to be lack of confidence. You can soon get your self esteem back by joining groups, exercise classes, netmums online, social sites as in making new friends websites online. Or you could move back to the area where your friends are so you are in familiar territory? I understand the logistics of doing this may not be ideal but there could be a way to do this. Looking after your health and appearance is important. You need to stay healthy and make yourself happy for your child. You have the strength, so use it. I wish you luck Jan England 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Majormisstep Posted January 1, 2016 Share Posted January 1, 2016 Welcome Vik, It will take awhile so please be gentle with your expectations. You may need to heal from the uneven terms of this relationship. Who were you before this marriage? What did that young lady hope to achieve in her life? Also see if there are any "Meetup" groups in your area. You are a MOM which holds a very special place in this world. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 1, 2016 Share Posted January 1, 2016 OP, please accept my sympathies during this difficult time. Regarding the rediscovery process, since you're apparently 32, were together 11 years, that puts you at around 21 when you met, so not far removed from teenage years and family. What is the longest continuous period you've lived alone, meaning by yourself and without a partner? If only briefly or not at all, that is an easy explanation for your loneliness. Your brain has been imprinted with the presence of and attention from others so is used to it. Some people can rediscover themselves while in relationships, others need time alone to rediscover themselves. Each of us is different. To underscore this, I've been alone for the five years since my exW and I divorced, living alone and without a partner. My exW, OTOH, was living with a new guy before we divorced and, to my knowledge, continues to this day. I was her third husband. She was continuously married practically since age 19. Different people, different personalities, different paths. Finding yourself is a journey unique to you. I found myself by giving back to friends, traveling, making life and lifestyle changes and reflecting upon my now 56 years on this rock in solitude. Your path will be yours. My suggestion would be to try different things that appeal to you, essentially throw a bunch of darts at the dartboard and see what sticks. Accept that none of what you try is a panacea and may not be permanent. If you want to date, do that. Pursue casual sex? Do that. You're an adult and your choices are adult choices. And responsibilities. That's part of being an adult and a mum. It'll work out. Long life still ahead. One day at a time. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 1, 2016 Share Posted January 1, 2016 Any advice on how to 'find myself' again is very much appreciated. Don't know what your interests are but, once my divorce was final, I joined multiple teams and groups - softball, tennis, biking, book club, political, etc. I eventually whittled them down to a few I really enjoyed and, besides the obvious benefit of exercise and socialization, they were a good way for someone like me who'd been out of the dating scene for years to mingle with the opposite sex in a low-key manner. It sure beats sitting at home ... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Vik83 Posted January 2, 2016 Author Share Posted January 2, 2016 since you're apparently 32, were together 11 years, that puts you at around 21 when you met, so not far removed from teenage years and family. You're absolutely right, we started going out just before my 21st- I was just a baby and he was older. I guess I just need to cultivate some new hobbies and invest more time into helping my son cultivate his own- I will meet new people and develop a greater sense of self as a side effect of those positive actions. Thank you everyone for your advice Link to post Share on other sites
LifeNomad Posted January 8, 2016 Share Posted January 8, 2016 I am 32, work full time, mum of a toddler and left my husband 6 months ago. He was narcissistic and manipulative. I've found the last week one of the hardest after leaving him- not because I miss HIM but because I am really struggling with finding my identity post-separation, I am also very lonely. My 11 year relationship with him was (I now, with hindsight, realise) about his wants and needs and things were very much his way. I struggled to maintain friendships because my life revolved around him. I'm very lucky and have several close friends but they live long distance so seeing them frequently is difficult. Any advice on how to 'find myself' again is very much appreciated. you can try joiningg different facebook groups that you might have interest in or even dating sites if you just wanna make friends and meet people. YOu don't necessarily have to go out drinking etc to meet people. Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Peach Posted January 13, 2016 Share Posted January 13, 2016 I would check out meetup and see if any of those activities are interesting. There are also single parent groups on that site if you want to meet people in the same boat. Is there anything you have ever wanted to do or learn. It doesn't have to be big. I can just be a trip to a new park or checking out a book at the library. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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