OW/OM dynamics and control

[Crazyninja]

Since so many of you are clued up I've been thinking about this for last day or two.

 

Before my 6 month affair I was a strong person, said what I wanted and if that offended then so be it, in all other relationships I was the dominant person I have always spoken my mind to the detriment of myself sometimes.

 

But since this affair it's almost like I'm afraid to open my mouth in regards

To anything that may trigger my MW off..

 

For example when she's out with husband and texts me she misses me another other relationship and my response would be what everyone else things "if you miss me so much why are you there?"

And the countless other responses to stupidity I could give.

 

But it's as if I'm afraid and then I get angry because I didn't say it..

 

Also could anyone advise on M/W responses if I started speaking my mind and taking a bit of control back?

 

And final question is it possible to change the dynamics to a position where control is in my court... Perhaps if I started dating or something?

[Giggle]

Sign of a bad relationship.. When you are afraid of saying things and you don't like who you've become.

[TaraMaiden2]

"The person who cares the least, controls the most".

 

And the other person gives them permission.

[whichwayisup]

I know you don't want to hear this, but the only way to gain control back is to end it and find the real you again. This 6 month affair is doing damage to you and will continue to chip away on who you are and cause you more pain and anxiety as time goes on.

 

She is having her cake and eating it too, so either accept things as they are and enjoy the cake with her when she has time for you, or do what I am hoping you'll do, end it and walk away.

[anika99]

I think a lot of OW/OM eat their words and feelings while involved in an affair and I think it comes from their constant sense of being in competition with the BS. They are terrified to say anything that might annoy the MM/MW and possibly tip the scales in favor of the BS. The OW/OM always has to be more understanding, more patient, more forgiving, more accommodating and more eager to please so that they can possibly win the MM/MW away from their spouse. I'm sure there are exceptions but by reading here it seems it is rather common for the AP to have greatly lowered expectations and standards. I think this is often the most bitter pill to swallow when contemplating ending the affair.

[Popsicle]

You are barking up the wrong tree, honey. This woman is taken. Nothing that comes out of her mouth matters, she is still taken (not to mention broken). The power rests with you to do the right thing for you and end this.

[sandylee1]

Perhaps casual dating would be good .....where you let the other person know it's casual.... so they don't get hurt.

 

You're too invested and it's turning you into a mouse .... Some might say you're p***y whipped right now.

[still_an_Angel]

You're the one who is single and free to date. The ball is in your court. You have no obligations to her.

[carhill]

 

Also could anyone advise on M/W responses if I started speaking my mind and taking a bit of control back?

 

IME, you'll get replaced with a more compliant model. Specifics vary but if women are in demand she probably has a couple others lined up already and/or they're orbiting. The only way to know is to do it. I've done it at various points with various MW's over a few decades so know my results. Yours may differ.

 

And final question is it possible to change the dynamics to a position where control is in my court... Perhaps if I started dating or something?

Choice is power. The more choices one has and the more in demand one is, the more power one wields. If you don't mind involvement with MW's, it's fine to keep that at a neutral state and fill your dating card as appropriate with women you choose. Since this MW is married, it's impossible for her to have an exclusive relationship with you so you're free to entertain as many ladies as you deem appropriate. She could become part of your harem. It's all up to you. You're all adults and have free will. Good luck!

[kieraglass]

I understand your post implicitly. They do need control.

 

I asked my mm gently this week if it was really true he's in a sexless marriage. Three and a half year affair. Tons of drama and back story. I'm alone now. It ended my marriage. I ended it to live authentically. He hasn't left yet. It's been twenty months single in thrall to this, awful, just awful. And I have been wondering if he really shares a bed with someone he doesn't touch.

 

He flipped. Went dark on me for a whole day afterwards.

 

I was so gentle, asking, we were out to dinner. He seemed fine. Reiterated no, we don't touch at all, I've told you that for years. Everything seemed ok. Until he went dark the next day.

 

He told me I insulted his masculinity.

 

By asking.

 

Made him feel like less of a man, by reminding him of his sexless strange life there.

 

It's all about manipulation and control. They don't want us asking a thing, challenging a thing. They want us compliant and in thrall.

 

It's bullsht.

 

You are spot on. I feel like a voiceless little doll. And when i dare break protocol, he punishes me, goes dark, knowing how this hurts and confuses me. How dare we ask the obvious. How dare we imply that they might be playing us. How dare we have a spine.

 

We're there to buy all the lies they spew, and to make their lives easier. Their marriages happier.

 

We're not to rock the boat.

[lemondrop21]

A friend and I were casually watching 50 Shades of Grey yesterday (intending to just have a laugh at it) and the dynamics surrounding power and control really hit me as a little too familiar. MM and I do not have any sort of sub/dom relationship by any means, however, in some ways those dynamics end up playing out in an A. As the OP you are not free to love MM/MW as you wish. Especially if you are a single OP, their schedule determines when and how you see each other. Communication may be sometimes or always restricted. And so on. You know the "rules" and you are not allowed to break them, otherwise you may be "punished."

 

The minute I took back control last week by going to temporary NC, I felt so much better. I'm now looking forward to being in a relationship in which none of these power/control dynamics exist.

[pacific_vibrations]

my xMM is insanely controlling. not to mention 20 years older than me. i'd call him out and insult him a fair amount but i did fear his temper. he would always get mad at me for getting mad at him, definitely, so i chose my moments to rock the boat knowing it would be a battle any time i demanded basic respect. i do think WS gaslight their AP into thinking they do not deserve a full, decent relationship.

[Hope137]

I understand your post implicitly. They do need control.

 

I asked my mm gently this week if it was really true he's in a sexless marriage. Three and a half year affair. Tons of drama and back story. I'm alone now. It ended my marriage. I ended it to live authentically. He hasn't left yet. It's been twenty months single in thrall to this, awful, just awful. And I have been wondering if he really shares a bed with someone he doesn't touch.

 

He flipped. Went dark on me for a whole day afterwards.

 

I was so gentle, asking, we were out to dinner. He seemed fine. Reiterated no, we don't touch at all, I've told you that for years. Everything seemed ok. Until he went dark the next day.

 

He told me I insulted his masculinity.

 

By asking.

 

Made him feel like less of a man, by reminding him of his sexless strange life there.

 

It's all about manipulation and control. They don't want us asking a thing, challenging a thing. They want us compliant and in thrall.

 

It's bullsht.

 

You are spot on. I feel like a voiceless little doll. And when i dare break protocol, he punishes me, goes dark, knowing how this hurts and confuses me. How dare we ask the obvious. How dare we imply that they might be playing us. How dare we have a spine.

 

We're there to buy all the lies they spew, and to make their lives easier. Their marriages happier.

 

We're not to rock the boat.

 

 

I could not agree more with this. My mm behavior hurts me emotionally often yet saying something to him about it usually ends up making me feels worse and I end up hurting more. I don't know how he he manages to do this to me.

 

I am not being authentic with him or MYSELF as I am actually hiding how I am truly feeling.

[cocorico]

Since so many of you are clued up I've been thinking about this for last day or two.

 

Before my 6 month affair I was a strong person, said what I wanted and if that offended then so be it, in all other relationships I was the dominant person I have always spoken my mind to the detriment of myself sometimes.

 

But since this affair it's almost like I'm afraid to open my mouth in regards

To anything that may trigger my MW off..

 

For example when she's out with husband and texts me she misses me another other relationship and my response would be what everyone else things "if you miss me so much why are you there?"

And the countless other responses to stupidity I could give.

 

But it's as if I'm afraid and then I get angry because I didn't say it..

 

Also could anyone advise on M/W responses if I started speaking my mind and taking a bit of control back?

 

And final question is it possible to change the dynamics to a position where control is in my court... Perhaps if I started dating or something?

 

Why is this OK? Why do you want to be with someone who treats you badly?

 

She is the one with the constraints. She should be making it worth your while to be with her, not making you settle for scraps.

 

No one is worth your self-esteem.

[erklat]

I was just curious but same things I learned over at

BU forum apply here. You have no right to be angry

because you agreed to the rules by getting in a

relationship with her. Furthermore her marriage

probably lacks something otherwise she wouldn't

look for an affair. You need a shift in perspective.

She can't make you anxious, only you can.

 

My ow and I are six months together. She

had some anxiety over the holidays but I encouraged her to go out and socialize.

She came back even more interested.

It's not a power struggle. It's making your

lives a bit better when you're together.

Edited January 4, 2016 by erklat

[SolG]

In any kind of relationship when you put the onus on someone else to 'provide' you happiness you relinquish your power. The reality is that getting your needs met in pursuit of being happy, etc... Is your responsibility. No one else's. ALL YOURS. And how can you get your needs met if you're too afraid to even voice what they are?

 

I get it. I've been where you are. Fear is an insidious thing in As. Fear of being caught, fear of things changing, fear of things not changing, fear of love, fear of not being loved, fear of hurt, fear of being alone; and it applies to both parties. It saps strength and will and shrinks your world and yourself if you let it. I let it for quite some time.

 

The antidote to fear and insecurity is honesty. The more brutal the better. Or so I have found. I'm not saying be snide or play games... Just tell it how it is, and how you feel, and expect the same from your MW. Many may say you can't expect honesty from a MM/W... But I believe you should at least try. At least be brutally honest with yourself.

 

Once the cards are on the table and you dig your way to the bottom of what's really going and see the A as it truly is--at least from your perspective--you will find you've had your power all along and just lost sight of it.

 

As a single AP you can do WHATEVER you want. Stay in the A, go, date, take lovers, spend your money on whatever you want, drop everything and travel to Timbuktu tomorrow if the mood strikes you! You have no constraints other than what you choose to impose. In reality, even though you may love her, your MW actually has no power over you at all!

 

Once I realised that, the whole dynamic of not only my A changed (I chose to stay), but so did everything. I live for me again, and not in some vain hope of a fake future. The less you 'need' others, the more you consciously choose to embrace and accept them and want and allow them to be around for the value they bring to your life in whatever capacity that is... The less you allow fear to control you.

 

Good luck!

[lemondrop21]

I was just curious but same things I learned over at

BU forum apply here. You have no right to be angry

because you agreed to the rules by getting in a

relationship with her. Furthermore her marriage

probably lacks something otherwise she wouldn't

look for an affair. You need a shift in perspective.

She can't make you anxious, only you can.

 

My ow and I are six months together. She

had some anxiety over the holidays but I encouraged her to go out and socialize.

She came back even more interested.

It's not a power struggle. It's making your

lives a bit better when you're together.

 

Maybe not the best place to post this type of comment... if your OW "had some anxiety over the holidays" then she is probably NOT on the same page as you, i.e. just interested in "making your lives a bit better when you're together." She probably wants more. She came back "even more interested" because she missed you and is attached to you, and probably didn't meet anyone compelling during her "socializing" (how could she even be in the right mindset to do so?).

[LimeBlue]

I understand your post implicitly. They do need control.

 

I asked my mm gently this week if it was really true he's in a sexless marriage. Three and a half year affair. Tons of drama and back story. I'm alone now. It ended my marriage. I ended it to live authentically. He hasn't left yet. It's been twenty months single in thrall to this, awful, just awful. And I have been wondering if he really shares a bed with someone he doesn't touch.

 

He flipped. Went dark on me for a whole day afterwards.

 

I was so gentle, asking, we were out to dinner. He seemed fine. Reiterated no, we don't touch at all, I've told you that for years. Everything seemed ok. Until he went dark the next day.

 

He told me I insulted his masculinity.

 

By asking.

 

Made him feel like less of a man, by reminding him of his sexless strange life there.

 

It's all about manipulation and control. They don't want us asking a thing, challenging a thing. They want us compliant and in thrall.

 

It's bullsht.

 

You are spot on. I feel like a voiceless little doll. And when i dare break protocol, he punishes me, goes dark, knowing how this hurts and confuses me. How dare we ask the obvious. How dare we imply that they might be playing us. How dare we have a spine.

 

We're there to buy all the lies they spew, and to make their lives easier. Their marriages happier.

 

We're not to rock the boat.

 

How do you feel that this ended your marriage? I do not mean to ask sounding disrespectful, but I would like to hear if you are willing to share.

 

Regarding the control, my MM tries hard but I never back down. In fact I come on more forceful in my questions which is met with more word salads and the word salads become more and more elaborate. My MM is always willing to talk things through, but it essentially serves no purpose.