Struggling with relationship with mother

[hildagnome]

I'm struggling with my relationship with my mom and have almost started to wonder if I'm being unreasonable.

 

I feel like she is struggling to understand that I am now living my own life, and that she is not necessarily paramount in my thoughts and priorities. The best way I can describe it is she expects the level of support from me what people would expect from a partner.

 

She has been a good mother, and I feel bad because I am all she has - she has suffered bereavement in the past which has really traumatised her. She does not have a partner which I think is part of the issue. But I feel like I cannot live my life and I have to consider her as well in everything. But now I'm beginning to question my position.

 

For complicated reasons I lived with her for a long time. I am in my 30s and have now moved to my own apartment close by. She expects me to visit 2 to 3 times a week sometimes more. A few weeks ago I mentioned that I was thinking of moving away to another city depending on work and she says 'what about me?' then gets all mad and told me that I want to get rid of any responsibility and want to be 'free'.

 

She sulked when I objected to taking half a day off work to help her take her cat to the vet, if she has some ailment she sulks and will not talk to me for days if I forget to ask her how it's doing - even though I know how it's going because we spoke at length about it the day before, just now she went crazy at me over the phone because I didn't call her first thing in the morning to say happy new year. I did text her at midnight and had a hang over this morning, and didn't think it was unacceptable to call after lunch. She has told me I am cold and thinks I am not considerate enough. This is even though I call her every day, sometimes twice a day. Once took weeks off work to nurse her after an operation. She is a very feeling emotional person and I am not. I am very logical and practical and feel that she wants me to be something I am not.

 

Am I the one being unreasonable? Do parents have legitimate expectations of their adult children?

 

I'm just so tired of the sulks - which I feel is bullying to 'train' me to do what she wants. I'd love to get to the stage where I don't get so affected by the way she behaves that it affects my life in work etc and my moods. I do not have a boyfriend, but hope to get married and to have children, I can see this being uncontrollable when I have even less time for her.

[WhatYouWantToHear]

Am I the one being unreasonable? Do parents have legitimate expectations of their adult children?

 

Here's the thing, you set her expectations at what now you think are unreasonable levels. She had the relationship with you that she liked, and now you are changing it.

 

This is both your faults. Time to sit down and explain things to her and don't place blame.

[JewelD]

I'm struggling with my relationship with my mom and have almost started to wonder if I'm being unreasonable.

 

I feel like she is struggling to understand that I am now living my own life, and that she is not necessarily paramount in my thoughts and priorities. The best way I can describe it is she expects the level of support from me what people would expect from a partner.

 

She has been a good mother, and I feel bad because I am all she has - she has suffered bereavement in the past which has really traumatised her. She does not have a partner which I think is part of the issue. But I feel like I cannot live my life and I have to consider her as well in everything. But now I'm beginning to question my position.

 

For complicated reasons I lived with her for a long time. I am in my 30s and have now moved to my own apartment close by. She expects me to visit 2 to 3 times a week sometimes more. A few weeks ago I mentioned that I was thinking of moving away to another city depending on work and she says 'what about me?' then gets all mad and told me that I want to get rid of any responsibility and want to be 'free'.

 

She sulked when I objected to taking half a day off work to help her take her cat to the vet, if she has some ailment she sulks and will not talk to me for days if I forget to ask her how it's doing - even though I know how it's going because we spoke at length about it the day before, just now she went crazy at me over the phone because I didn't call her first thing in the morning to say happy new year. I did text her at midnight and had a hang over this morning, and didn't think it was unacceptable to call after lunch. She has told me I am cold and thinks I am not considerate enough. This is even though I call her every day, sometimes twice a day. Once took weeks off work to nurse her after an operation. She is a very feeling emotional person and I am not. I am very logical and practical and feel that she wants me to be something I am not.

 

Am I the one being unreasonable? Do parents have legitimate expectations of their adult children?

 

I'm just so tired of the sulks - which I feel is bullying to 'train' me to do what she wants. I'd love to get to the stage where I don't get so affected by the way she behaves that it affects my life in work etc and my moods. I do not have a boyfriend, but hope to get married and to have children, I can see this being uncontrollable when I have even less time for her.

 

My ex bf's mother was very similar. She would treat her son like he was her husband. They had a very close relationship bc she had him at 16, but she was always making him watch his toddler twin brothers (even when she knew me and him had plans), she would make him do all the chores around the house, didn't want him taking his car to school and having any independence. It got worse when she got divorced. She's not even my mother and she was getting on MY nerves by how much she depended on him.

 

I think your mother is just having trouble letting go. I imagine it's hard to get used to an empty nest. Since we moved out, my mom is always visiting me or my sister, but only once a month since we both live sort of far.

 

But even with her loneliness, my mother seems happy that we're moving forward in our lives, even if it means she plays a smaller role. Your mother seems to be having a really hard time but that's not your fault.

 

You should definitely talk to her and explain how you feel, that you love her, but you have to start your own life.