Engagement fights

[BettyDraper]

Thanks everyone for your advice.

I went and spoke to her parents again and said that maybe they should host the wedding themselves and my family will host the reception where we can afford. They agreed and then got a quote from a 5* venue of their choosing for both events, again which was too expensive for us.

I again told them we will host the reception in another 4* venue with a caterer we can afford.

Now my fiancee has been guilt tripping me saying that because my family are being awkward her parents will know have to pay for the wedding and reception in a 5* venue of their choosing and will have to spend excessive money and borrow for it. It's total madness! They are willing to spend money they don't have so that they can have the reception in a fancy venue just so that we do not humiliate them in front of their guests by taking them to a 4*!

I've tried talking to my fiancee but all she does is guilt trip me and argue by throwing things back in my face. I've just about had enough, this doesn't feel like love to me. I'm in the good books if I agree with them and suddenly tossed aside if I don't

 

I don't think your in-laws understand that 4 star is still considered a luxury venue in most parts of the world.

 

I can't comment on whether or not your fiancee loves you. I can see that she is immature and doesn't know how to make decisions as a future wife. Spouses are supposed to come first and she is showing you that her parents' wishes will always take precedence over yours.

 

Have you asked your fiancee to attend premarital counseling with you?

That might be a good place to start so that if you break off the engagement, you know that you tried your best to salvage the relationship.

[manny1]

I'm trying to get her to go.

It justs smacks of them taking complete control of everything and not letting my family take a role in organising anything. It's all about giving their daughter away and how it's her special day!

[Miss Peach]

Did you break off the engagement?

[BettyDraper]

I'm trying to get her to go.

It justs smacks of them taking complete control of everything and not letting my family take a role in organising anything. It's all about giving their daughter away and how it's her special day!

 

My parents had this attitude too...except the wedding was my mother's special day and not mine.

They learned not to be pushy about my life when we decided not to have them present when we married.

 

If your fiance can't stand up to her parents now, she will not be able to do so after the wedding either.

 

Why isn't she interested in counseling?

Edited January 27, 2016 by BettyDraper

[manny1]

My fiancée believes these are just normal fights that happen during the wedding planning but to me it goes much deeper. She explains away her mother's rude behaviour and harsh words towards me by saying she meant something else when i know what I have heard

 

I have told her I am having serious doubts and have thought about calling the whole thing off. She says she wants to talk things over as she doesn't want things to end. I feel trapped between my family saying I should end it and the fact my folks are getting stressed about the whole unknown of what is going on.

 

My sisters got married and it was never like this for them, the weddings were about the couple even if they event grand or lavish, they were classy and about the commitment and love. This just feels like an attempt to control everything two show off to people never mind what I feel. It'll be me just dressing up for the day and being told what to do.

 

I'm going to talk it over with her again but I fear the loss of respect between parents and my loss of respect for her mother will not be retrievable.

Edited January 27, 2016 by manny1

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

I'm not going to read all the replies, but this to me is a classic case of the wedding itself is more important to some parties then the actual relationship you guys are trying to build. Sounds like her parents already want to control your life, and your fiancé's as well. Do you honestly think that will change once you get married?

 

So now you are left in a situation where you are marrying more then just the woman you love. You are being married to her mom and dad as well if you allow them ANY control anywhere. Cause they will just keep on doing it.

 

Personally I would walk away from this, or call the it off to sort things out with your fiancé first. She is putting her family above you. Something I personally would never tolerate. I'm either in the driver's seat or the passengers seat in my marriage. I wouldn't allow anything in my life that would force me or my wife to take a backseat. Not happening. That is what is already happened in your relationship. You are being forced to take a back seat in YOUR relationship to her parents. I have zero tolerance for this.

 

I'll also add. If you haven't cussed out her parents yet, or told them to **** off, you are way more patient and polite then I will ever be haha! I don't see how you just go along with all this without losing your cool on somebody.

Edited January 27, 2016 by T-16bullseyeWompRat

[manny1]

Yeah I think I have been too nice about it till now. I had a massive go at my fiancee about this but nothing has really changed. Her parents have a way of switching it on me and making me feel guilty about it all. I guess I'm scared to call it off even though deep down I know it's the right thing to do. May be I am just hoping it will get better.

Edited January 27, 2016 by manny1

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

Yeah I think I have been too nice about it till now. I had a massive go at my fiancee about this but nothing has really changed. Her parents have a way of switching it on me and making me feel guilty about it all. I guess I'm scared to call it off even though deep down I know it's the right thing to do. May be I am just hoping it will get better.

 

Hope isn't a plan. And hope has never changed anyone's situation, only their mindset. Hope is the last thing you need now. Do you hope your bills get paid, or do you work and make sure they do? Do you hope you pass a test, or do you study your butt off and make it happen? There is no room for hope in this situation because you have CONTROL of this situation. There is no room for hope where you have control. Hope is reserved for situations outside of your control. When there is control and you are just sitting around hoping, bad things more then likely will happen or things won't turn out how you wanted. But that is YOUR OWN FAULT.

 

Dude you are going to regret this for years and years. It won't get better it will only get worse. She isn't standing up for you either. You are the bad guy here to her and her family. Is that what you are scared of? Being the bad guy? To hell with that thought process!! You need to stomp that out right away. RESPECT IS EARNED NOT GIVEN!! If you don't respect yourself, nobody will. Even a woman who claims her love for you. Funny thing about respect is when you have it for yourself, others tend to have respect for you as well. When you stand up for yourself, its way more attractive then laying down to everyone else always. She will walk all over you, probably cheat on you, do whatever cause she knows you are a pushover. Good luck with that life! But you are just allowing it to happens to you while you sit around hoping after all.

 

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but its true man.

[VeveCakes]

This is just the beginning. Wait for the house that isn't new and big enough, the car that isn't fancy enough, and the holidays that aren't luxurious enough.

 

People really care ONLY about "status" even if they have to fake it by borrowing money? Her family does not give one **** about you.

 

I would honestly run for the hills on this one.

[Cherryz]

You guys dont know each other that long.

 

What about stop the wedding, work ,save money and meanwhile you get to know each-other more.

If after couple of years you see that this woman is who you want to be with and she want also then you can do the wedding the way the 2 of you want.

And invite the family. And let it be the wedding of the 2 of you.

 

Because letting family pay most things or everything is what make them also think that they can rule it.

While its not about them. You and her have to be on one page first.

Before informing the people that is helping you guys.

And since there is so much money to spent, why dont take a good wedding planner?

Who will make sure both of you get what you want or meet in the middle?!!

Instead of going back and forward with selfish family members.

 

And somethings you just say about your gf, may be somethings not to ignore.

The way it looks, this can be a topic true your whole marriage. If the parents brought her up this way and she always materialistic or want certain things.

 

If you see this isnt a good idea dont be afraid to stop the wedding.

At the end, its better to end a engagement then have to g true a divorce.

[BettyDraper]

This is just the beginning. Wait for the house that isn't new and big enough, the car that isn't fancy enough, and the holidays that aren't luxurious enough.

 

People really care ONLY about "status" even if they have to fake it by borrowing money? Her family does not give one **** about you.

 

I would honestly run for the hills on this one.

 

This.

 

Also, your fiance's parents cannot "make" you feel anything.

Your understandable reactions are your responsibility.

 

Of course your fiancee doesn't want to end the relationship. A break up would not reflect well on her. The fact is she just isn't individuated from her parents enough to be wife. Be glad that your fiancee's inability to stand up to her parents and her entitlement came out during the wedding planning.

 

If your fiancee will not go to counseling and she is taking her parents side while acting like a spoiled child, I don't see what there is to salvage about your relationship. Marrying this woman would be a huge mistake.

[Miss Peach]

Yeah I think I have been too nice about it till now. I had a massive go at my fiancee about this but nothing has really changed. Her parents have a way of switching it on me and making me feel guilty about it all. I guess I'm scared to call it off even though deep down I know it's the right thing to do. May be I am just hoping it will get better.

 

She isn't standing up for you either.

 

I really don't think this should be you against her family. The two of you need to get onto the same page and then SHE needs to deal with her family. The part that is concerning to me is that she isn't dealing with her family when IMO that should be her job.

[manny1]

Thanks everyone for your advice these past few weeks.

I ended the relationship and we have gone our separate ways.

Even though it hurts and the guilt is at times unbearable it's probably for the best as I couldn't live a life being directed by someone else and pretending to be someone I'm not.

Even though I don't know who you are, your words have given me strength to make the right decision. Thank you.

[BettyDraper]

Thanks everyone for your advice these past few weeks.

I ended the relationship and we have gone our separate ways.

Even though it hurts and the guilt is at times unbearable it's probably for the best as I couldn't live a life being directed by someone else and pretending to be someone I'm not.

Even though I don't know who you are, your words have given me strength to make the right decision. Thank you.

 

 

Good for you! You are a wise young man and you have made a smart choice.

Let your ex marry some man who will indulge her spoiled attitude and kowtow to her parents. You deserve far better than your ex. When you find a wife who is sensible, mature and unselfish, you will forget all about your ex and her antics.

 

If it might help, you can always post in the section for breakups on this site. *hug*

[MissBee]

Hi all,

 

I had been dating my fiancee for 12 months and got engaged four months ago.

We seem to be arguing about wedding planning a lot. My parents and her parents are helping with wedding costs but there is a massive gulf in ideas on each side.

Her parents want a big do in a fancy expensive hotel for which they want my parents to share the costs. The amount of money involved is excessive to me and I don't feel comfortable spending the amount of money they are asking.

They have been quite aggressive about the fact that it is important for their status that it happens in a fancy venue.

My fiancee and I don't see eye to eye on this and she is not willing to compromise. They do not want to reduce the numbers on their side nor go to a cheaper "less fancy" venue for the evening reception as it would be disrespectful to their guests! Her mother is fairly controlling and I can see that even if my parents pay what they can I'll struggle to have any say. For them it is about giving their daughter away in a fancy venue to show people and whenever I disagree the fights start.

 

I'm worried about what a future with her will be like as it appears people's feelings don't matter as long as she gets what she wants. My family don't see any future for me with her and I am afraid of walking away. Any advice would be much appreciated. Thanks

 

This is why I don't believe in parents footing the cost for weddings, as he who foots the cost amasses power and more say than they should. My parents have no money for this thankfully, but even if they did or my fiancé's parents I would request a check be made out to us or something and then we get to spend it on the wedding as WE see fit. But I cannot fathom having 4 other people holding the purse strings and telling me what to do. I mean for super young couples with no money at all, like say they are in college, I get this tradition, but older folks, I find it totally bizarre to give other adults such a big say in your wedding and to be going through all this drama for their sake.

 

No way. I'm paying for my own wedding with whomever I'm marrying and people can make out financial gifts if they would like, but I'm not allowing anyone else to put up money and then try to control me with it. It seems like it's setting such a bad tone already to the marriage, like the drama it is causing for you. I would have a longer engagement and not rush into planning and actually see if in a year you even still want to marry her and maybe during that long engagement you can work out a compromise.

[CarrieT]

Sorry you had to go through that, Manny.

 

You did the right thing!