When do I respond?

[Strugglingandlost]

What scares me the most after reading all the threads on here is how similar the lies/feelings/excuses/experiences are. That makes me feel such a fool. I hate myself and have changed completely. It's been four years. He's tried to leave four times over that time. I've been trying to end it since August and I've only fallen twice since then. But for what I felt very good reason - he left. Or tried to and went back. I've no cut all contact and blocked him from my phones. He knows this and has left several voicemails every night (17 one night) but I've stayed strong. But now, last night, it stopped.

 

My question is, when the voicemails are begging and saying he will do it, when do you respond and speak? Okay, so he changed his mind in the voicemails sometimes - I think to get a reaction out of me. Accuses me of being with other men when I'm not (how could I? I'm a mess). I don't understand how he could treat me like this and plays games if he loves me. How can a human actually behave this way?

 

Anyway, even thigh the continued calls has stopped. It will start again. But I don't know which personality I will hear... But if I hear the good one, do I just say "speak to me when you've left"? I guess I'm scared and going through a different phase cos it feels like he has stopped trying. And I know he knows I feel that way. He is trying to get me back.

[lemondrop21]

Did you send any kind of final NC message? If not, and if you feel you REALLY need to, I think a simple "speak to me when/if you've left, until then this is over" is more than sufficient. He is causing you to waste way too much precious mental energy playing these games and he should know better. I can tell by the way you write that you're a smart woman. Don't let him waste your time, energy, and brainpower... You've only got one life to live. Good luck.

[Strugglingandlost]

Hi, thank you for responding.

 

I feel like I've said it a million times before... Surely he gets it?? Although because I've given in so many times before he probably thinks it's just part of the game. I think that if he tries again, I will send one more final text as you say. I'm just sick of going round in circles. And I'm dreading and scared of any kind of contact. I jump at any sound and have hidden my phone on silent in a drawer... He might even turn up the door. He's done that before and I won't be strong enough to not speak to him then.

 

But honestly, I think it gets past a point in these cycles when you don't love them as much as you did. How can you love someone who is capable of treating you so badly? And all the lies... I couldn't believe a word he said ever again. But I don't know how I'll react if he really does leave now. I just want to be normal again.

 

Do you think it's useless to do NC as just an attempt to force their hand? You should really just ask them to go away and not come back under any circumstances? I think I'm half way between.

[bathtub-row]

I agree with Lemondrop, but what concerns me, though, are his accusations toward you and these different mood swings of his. I would urge you to be very careful with a guy like this. He could be abusive, and could even be that way with his wife. The truth is, you don't know what goes on between them but the way he behaves and the things he says to you aren't encouraging as to the type of person he is. Abusive relationships look exactly what his marriage looks like - constant break-ups, cheating, unreasonable accusations, etc.

 

I know that you think these attempts to get you back are charming and that it means he's crazy about you, but don't be fooled by it. It does not mean he will leave his marriage. It only means that he wants you back in the affair. There is a big difference between those two things. If he's that bad off without you, then he knows what to do about it.

 

Btw, the next time he accuses you of being with another guy, I would say, "You mean kind of like the way that you're living in the same house and sleeping in the same bed with your wife?" End of conversation.

 

He has zero right to accuse you of anything when everything about his life does nothing but make you have to guess at what he's doing. What a complete idiot he is!

[Strugglingandlost]

You're absolutely right. He is abusive. I've been to the doctors about it now. I thought I was strong but he has worn me down. I agree, he treats his wife even worse. She knows about me. He doesn't sleep in the same bed... Well, actually he does sometimes. A lie that I have discovered and he will deny and torture me with all these things.

 

I've started to see the abuse and the lies now, which as I said, reduces the love you feel and makes it slightly easier. But then you feel utterly stupid and angry that you believed it and he behaved that way. We're you in love with someone who didn't exist? Worst of all, he will blame it on me. He will say sorry but he will always try to pin it on me. I know what will be in his head now - I can't leave now because she is seeing someone else. I can't do it without her so I won't bother.

[bathtub-row]

Abuse becomes a vicious cycle because of the very things you mention. The best thing you can do is just cut out the cancer and move on. You do not EVER want to be involved with an abuser. It doesn't matter who he is or who you thought he was. He will destroy you if you don't end this completely. The best thing to do is send him a very unemotional email stating that no matter how many times he contacts you, the relationship is over and that, from this point on, you will never respond to him again. Also let him know that you want him to stop contacting you.

 

If he comes to your house, don't answer the door. Even if your car is out front, he has no way of knowing if you're there it not. You could easily have ridden somewhere with a friend. It's not your job to answer to him. I will tell you with complete certainty that this guy is your worst nightmare and you're lucky that you're not his wife. Count your blessings, stop this cycle, and just end it.

[ShatteredLady]

Correct me if I'm wrong....

 

Sometimes I think that between the 'high' of a new relationship & the heart breaking insanity of knowing that the man you want is living with another woman drives you a bit crazy....crazy = blind.

 

This isn't a good man. You know this! Why on earth would you want him even if his wife does throw him out? I know the competition turns woman against woman & makes one believe that his blatant flaws are all her fault....REALLY?

 

You've wanted this for so long. I understand it's really hard to let the fantasy go. Everything you've been through would be wasted if you 'lost' but do you truly want to 'win'?

[whichwayisup]

You're absolutely right. He is abusive. I've been to the doctors about it now. I thought I was strong but he has worn me down. I agree, he treats his wife even worse. She knows about me. He doesn't sleep in the same bed... Well, actually he does sometimes. A lie that I have discovered and he will deny and torture me with all these things.

 

I've started to see the abuse and the lies now, which as I said, reduces the love you feel and makes it slightly easier. But then you feel utterly stupid and angry that you believed it and he behaved that way. We're you in love with someone who didn't exist? Worst of all, he will blame it on me. He will say sorry but he will always try to pin it on me. I know what will be in his head now - I can't leave now because she is seeing someone else. I can't do it without her so I won't bother.

 

You need to dig down deep and ask yourself why you want a man who treats women like shi.t? If you stay with him, this is all on you. The man is an abusive ass.hole. He is damaging you, yet you 'love' him. Respectfully I say this, it's not HIM you love, it's how he makes you feel that you're addicted to. He's not a kind or genuine person. He is pouncing on any insecurity or low self esteem you may have.

[pacific_vibrations]

i was in almost the exact same situation. abusive, wife knew, lies about separate beds, etc. when his harassment of me during NC became too much to handle, i told him i was prepared to go to the police and file a restraining order to make the calls stop. then he left me alone for several weeks and wrote me emails promising to change and leave if i'd give him another chance. i gave him another chance. his wife threw a fit at him abandoning their son and he buckled and everything went back to the way it was, only he was furious at me for my threats to leave him and restraining order. i finally went NC again and he said he would not "put himself through" the agony of having me gone and he has left me alone this time. it's all about him.

 

it's abuse and it will never end unless you leave. tell him you will get a restraining order and be prepared to do so.

[lemondrop21]

Struggling, you mentioned having been to the doctor... have you spoken with any sort of therapist about this? Talking with someone who is specifically trained in dealing with abusive personalities could be very helpful. Doing some reading on abusive personalities could also help... knowledge is power and helps you see the situation for what it really is.

 

I've watched my mother go through this process multiple times (breaking away from an emotionally abusive and manipulative man); in fact she's going through it again now. Despite all of her knowledge about how wrong the situation is and how badly the man has treated her, she is still hurting as she breaks away. It is natural to feel the hurt, but you MUST go through it. Yes, this man is also a human being with emotions, who you felt love for, however he is DEEPLY flawed and you cannot help him or fix him. Recognizing this is one of the most important steps in your healing.

 

Hugs and best of luck.