Had sex with his best friend, Now he's blanking me

[rodawaybecky]

I have recently been seeing this guy, it's only early days yet as we have only been out on a few dates, however it was going really well. We text back and forth every day and have the occasional phone call here and there.

 

A few days ago, he told me he was having a day with the lads which is fair enough, I left him to it and waited for him to message me when he got home. He didn't message me until 1 am the next morning and the message read "I just showed my best friend a picture of you, and he told me you've had sex with him" I was just as shocked as he was, I didn't know what to say. After discussing it, we found out that a guy I had been dating over a year ago was in fact his best friend.

 

I was mortified but he just seemed to laugh it off and said it wasn't an issue for him. I told him we should get everything out in the open and if he wanted to know anything, that I would be honest, because this would be the only time I'm prepared to talk about it. He told me that he knew all the details as his friend had told him (which I didn't want him knowing if I'm honest) After this point, he would make jokes about me and his friend or if I called him a cute name like baby he would say "oh did you call ****** that aswell?"

 

The texting reduced massively, I don't receive phone calls anymore and now he hasn't contacted me in 2 days. Clearly this is an issue for him, I feel as though it's my fault even though I never knew him a year ago when I was dating his friend. I don't know what his friend told him about me but even if he has lied, he is gonna believe his friend over me anyway (Sigh)

 

I don't know what to do? Let it go? Call him and explain?

[almond]

It's not your fault, and it's unfortunate that this has happened. However, many people couldn't deal with starting a relationship with someone who has been with their best friend.

 

I'd let it go - it's too complicated, and as much as I'm sure he didn't want it to bother him...it seems as though it has, and probably will continue to if you stay together.

 

Too messy. Move on.

[Samhain]

There's nothing to explain, you did nothing wrong.

 

It might be worth having your say because his friends perspective to a relationship, sexual or otherwise and yours may slightly differ. But that should be the only reason.

 

It's probably difficult for him (especially if he's heard this friends version of his sexual antics with other women before as some people tend to tell a tale depending on their ego rather than truth)to deal with some of the images he's been getting, but to be perfectly honest, if he's a mature man, he will get over it.

 

Everybody has a past and while we don't necessarily want it rubbed in our faces, there are some things we just have to move past if the person we are invested in is worth anything to us. What you have to realise now is that he has no right to throw it in your face, and his little comments about the pet names has to stop too. You have a past, so does he, move on and live in the present.

[Snakechammah]

I'm really sorry to hear this, it's just unfortunate.

 

Don't you just hate locker room brags?? Clearly that 'best friend' of his is a douchebag. From the guy's reactions, it seems the best friend must have exaggerated some sexual aspects and for them to be using this to tease/insult you just shows immaturity.

 

Good riddance anyway. You want a mature, RESPECTFUL guy, you don't need this locker-room boys anyway.

[oregon0011]

Unfortunate, but would be best to end this. I don't know of any guys who like the mental picture of his girl previously sleeping with his buddy. Unless if it is just to be some casual fwb situation.

[Leucine]

It may not be an issue for him in theory, but there are just too many possible awkward and complicated scenarios that might arise from such a relationship triangle and he probably realised that after some more in-depth talks with his friend. The subject is sure to pop up every so often between guys who like to talk to each other about their dates/girlfriends and cause tension between them. Best to end it here if that's how he feels.

[Try]

Clearly that 'best friend' of his is a douchebag. From the guy's reactions, it seems the best friend must have exaggerated some sexual aspects and for them to be using this to tease/insult you just shows immaturity.

It is not clear at all that the best friend is a "douchebag" that "exaggerated some sexual aspects" of his relationship with her. The truth alone would be enough for many guys to not want to date a best friend's ex. First, we have no idea of what happened between the OP and the best friend, all we know at this point is that it ended. Second, it is common bro code not to date a best friend's (or brother's) ex no matter how it ended. Either the best friend dumped her, meaning that she was not good enough for the best friend for some reason (and if she is not good enough for the best friend, there is no pride in dating her), or she dumped the best friend, meaning by definition that she is a bitch according to bro code (LOL).

 

No one needs to be at fault here. It is just an unfortunate situation. Had she and the guy got to be closer prior to the guy finding out that she had dated the best friend, perhaps he would have thought it worth it to continue dating her, but at this point he must have decided it was not worth it. The OP just needs to move on.

[Mrin]

Sorry OP but I'm afraid I have to agree with the others. It is probably not happening with this guy Bad luck really.

[Snakechammah]

It is not clear at all that the best friend is a "douchebag" that "exaggerated some sexual aspects" of his relationship with her. The truth alone would be enough for many guys to not want to date a best friend's ex. First, we have no idea of what happened between the OP and the best friend, all we know at this point is that it ended. Second, it is common bro code not to date a best friend's (or brother's) ex no matter how it ended. Either the best friend dumped her, meaning that she was not good enough for the best friend for some reason (and if she is not good enough for the best friend, there is no pride in dating her), or she dumped the best friend, meaning by definition that she is a bitch according to bro code (LOL).

 

No one needs to be at fault here. It is just an unfortunate situation. Had she and the guy got to be closer prior to the guy finding out that she had dated the best friend, perhaps he would have thought it worth it to continue dating her, but at this point he must have decided it was not worth it. The OP just needs to move on.

 

I am entitled to my opinon and so are you. It was insulting for him to add the remark that "did you call xx that pet name too" when clearly the topic wasn't about his best friend.

 

That is a snide comment made to insinuate that she's been around.

 

In my opinion, they are both douchebags. Good riddance!

[dobielover]

I am entitled to my opinon and so are you. It was insulting for him to add the remark that "did you call xx that pet name too" when clearly the topic wasn't about his best friend.

 

That is a snide comment made to insinuate that she's been around.

 

In my opinion, they are both douchebags. Good riddance!

 

To me, it was a comment suggesting insecurity with the fact that his BFF has been there before him, nothing more. I wouldn't interpret his comment to suggest she's been around at all, just that he's really uncomfortable with the fact he's Eskimo Brothers with his best friend over his girlfriend.

 

OP: Last year I dated a wonderful guy, who turned out to be good aquaintences with an on-again/off-again I'd been involved with for years. I was mortified. As was he. There was a lot of drama in that 'relationship,' and I was fearful that my guy would get the old guy's version of events. Turns out the old guy, by that point, had grown up a lot and didn't really share any details other than timing. But new guy was just too uncomfortable with the fact that a guy he saw fairly regularly in his social and recreational circle had had such an intimate relationship with me. It's not high school where you're stuck in a small pond and everyone is moving around dating each other (most not actually having deep loving intimate relationships), it's the adult world where you're getting intimate and down and dirty in a big wide ocean, and you just hope you never have to sit at a dinner table with the guy who used to bang your current flame.

 

I mean, he'd probably be the best man at your wedding, should you marry this guy. That could easily be too much for him this early in the game. And can you blame him??

[smackie9]

Better to find out now rather than later. Not everyone can be mature about a situation like this. His ego got in the way... his insecurity/disappointment is evident with his actions towards you. He could have just manned up and just told you that this was too uncomfortable for him, and he feels it would be best to part ways, but instead he just faded.

 

He doesn't know how to handle situations is a mature manner....you dodged a bullet.

[Starsandshadows]

That is unfortunate and if I could imagine myself in this situation I think I would count my blessings and move on. I know it's a shame but I think it would end up being too awkward for you as time went on

[dobielover]

I really don't think he's strange for feeling awkward. I don't know that I could date a guy who was intimate even for a single night with my BFF, never mind someone she actually dated.

 

It's only been a few dates, very early days. He's simply done the fade after learning this info. Nothing particularly strange or evil about that. It's how most people handle incompatibility after a few dates, especially once that incompatibility is expressed and out in the air.

[oregon0011]

Better to find out now rather than later. Not everyone can be mature about a situation like this. His ego got in the way... his insecurity/disappointment is evident with his actions towards you. He could have just manned up and just told you that this was too uncomfortable for him, and he feels it would be best to part ways, but instead he just faded.

 

He doesn't know how to handle situations is a mature manner....you dodged a bullet.

 

Jut an icky feeling, and he doesn't know exactly what to say or do because it is so odd. It doesn't mean he is a diuchebag, insecure, immature, or whatever else.

[Samhain]

Making comments such as "lol is that what you called him (the friend) too?" does indicate insecurity. But that doesn't necessarily make him insecure. It's a very uncomfortable situation, and I'm sure that the revelation has flared up a couple of insecurities, because it's such an awkward place to be in.

 

It's all down to whether he feels that the relationship with the OP is worth pursuing and working past these issues. Since the relationship is relatively new and he seems to be fading away, I'd assume he's finding it far too difficult and has made up his mind but isn't being exactly forthcoming about it.

 

OP did nothing wrong other than to have a past which coincidentally happened to be with somebody she had no idea was friends with somebody her future path would cross with. So there's really nothing she can do to make this better.

[JustGettingBy]

Sounds like one of the most unlucky coincidences here in a while.

[stillafool]

I would just move on if I were you OP. I wouldn't want 2 friends comparing their experiences with me. I can't blame the guy or not wanting to get involved with his best friends ex.

[candie13]

What happened between you & his BFF?

 

I think, If you care about him, you could talk to him and either mend it or break it. It takes guts to do it... the only other alternative is to accept the fade out. It really all depends on what happened between you and his BFF before deciding if this new RS is worth the fight... How Long have you been seeing new guy? How many dates?

[rodawaybecky]

Something tells me that his best friend didn't refer to me in positive terms. I ended things with him over a year ago as he was basically taking the **** and I wouldn't put up with it.

 

I think it's worth mentioning though that his friend actually messaged me a few months back asking me if he could take me out to dinner to make amendments but I politely declined and thanked him for the offer. I can't help but he's done this for 1 of 2 reasons: Either he is trying to brag about his 'conquest' so to speak, or he is purposely doing this to get back at me "/

[Samhain]

Something tells me that his best friend didn't refer to me in positive terms. I ended things with him over a year ago as he was basically taking the **** and I wouldn't put up with it.

 

I think it's worth mentioning though that his friend actually messaged me a few months back asking me if he could take me out to dinner to make amendments but I politely declined and thanked him for the offer. I can't help but he's done this for 1 of 2 reasons: Either he is trying to brag about his 'conquest' so to speak, or he is purposely doing this to get back at me "/

 

You could always try and leave a message or send an email or a super long text or whatever you're comfortable with and lay it straight out. Tell him how you ended it and why and that he contacted you again a few months ago and you declined. Tell him you have nothing to be ashamed of, you're an honest person and if he can't get over this one thing that happened when you didn't even know he existed, then that's entirely up to him and you wish him well.

[Keke1]

You never knew his best friend or saw him? Maybe he thinks you're the one trying to play games. Best thing is to leave them be altogether.

[Samhain]

You never knew his best friend or saw him? Maybe he thinks you're the one trying to play games. Best thing is to leave them be altogether.

 

Clearly she didn't know him then, otherwise he'd know her too!

 

It's just a very unfortunate coincidence, for both.

[sandylee1]

Why don't you straight up ask your BF if this is going to be a problem for him... as you'd rather not waste anyone's time..... Yours especially. I'm sure he was quite shocked and I'm not sure I'd want to date my BFFs ex BF.... but it would depend on how serious we were. Decide if it's worth sticking around.

 

 

I once dated a guy.. then his friend and I really wish I hadn't. Your situation is different though.

[smackie9]

Jut an icky feeling, and he doesn't know exactly what to say or do because it is so odd. It doesn't mean he is a diuchebag, insecure, immature, or whatever else.

 

Yes immature/insecure, because " he would make jokes about me and his friend or if I called him a cute name like baby he would say "oh did you call ****** that as well?" That kind of things is rude, so yes tack on being douchey.

 

Texting dropped off, NC after two days....he did a 180 in his behavior. Again it's very telling.

[Samhain]

Yes immature/insecure, because " he would make jokes about me and his friend or if I called him a cute name like baby he would say "oh did you call ****** that as well?" That kind of things is rude, so yes tack on being douchey.

 

Texting dropped off, NC after two days....he did a 180 in his behavior. Again it's very telling.

 

 

Right on, Smackster.