Had sex with his best friend, Now he's blanking me

[Spectre]

Guys quick update,

 

After ignoring me for over a week, I decided to block this guy's phone number because quite frankly it was killing me waiting in the hopes that he may contact me.

He looked me up on Facebook (because we weren't actually friends on fb) and messaged me a few days later, the message simply read "cutie, is your phone broken or something?" He knows full well I have blocked his number, if any of you are familiar with whatsapp you will know, it's not difficult to find this out. I messaged back and said "It was lovely knowing you but unfortunately that ship has now sailed, take care x"

 

He immediately replied with "hahahaha fair enough" and that was that. This last message just proved in my mind that blocking his number was the right decision.

 

None of what you just said sounds healthy at all. Instead of just talking to him you just blocked him. No wonder the guy was insecure. Well you did him a favor then.

[rodawaybecky]

In some respects I understand where you are coming from, but at the end of the day, what was I supposed to do? Wait around on this guy in the hope that maybe he would consider taking me on as a relationship?

 

I'm no ones charity case and yes, maybe what I did was harsh; but I am not going to let him make jokes at my expense and dip in and out of my life when he feels like it. I tried talking to him about it when he first found out but he didn't want to know.

[Clay]

I think you did the right thing this time around but I think in the future I would be a little more selective to who you share your self with. I also agree with the other poster that stated the friend was probably trying to just get back at you for the rejection. When he messaged you did you show your BF?

 

I can imagine if you had things might have played out differently.

 

Good luck.

 

C

[66Charger]

In some respects I understand where you are coming from, but at the end of the day, what was I supposed to do? Wait around on this guy in the hope that maybe he would consider taking me on as a relationship?.

 

Yes.

 

Even though he may not have handled it correctly, your previous relationship was a important factor. It bothered him and instead of talking to you and saying, hey, this concerns me, he made jokes about it.

Ok, so he didnt handle this spectacularly. He needed time to process it and figure out what he really felt and see if he wanted to move forward. What was wrong with that?

 

Your first post said that you really liked this guy and he liked you. Accept that he didn't handle it correct immediately. The "cutie, has your phone died" was his way of saying he processed it (at his own pace) and wishes to move forward. Even when you shut it down, his reply was "fair enough" not a bunch of harsh text. I think you both handled that rather well. This was a message that if you treat me badly, I will leave you and his reply was saying. I got it, I messed up by not talking to you.

 

Think about it. IF YOU WISH to try again send him a message and Let him know that if you can accept his initial insecurity, then he needs to accept you had a dating life before him and DONT BRING IT UP AGAIN. Let him know that in the future, if there are issues, you have to talk about it and not run or make jokes. if you BOTH agree, then bury the dead and go out again and see if you two can have fun.

 

No, you are not a charity case and you did nothing wrong, but other than some initial insecurity, and not accepting your immediate request for conversation, neither did he.

 

Of course, this could be noise and you could always move on but adversity happens in all relationships. Sometimes, it isnt perfect, but you can make it perfect for you.

 

This is something that is hard for me too. I know I can be unforgiving, but I realize I am not perfect either.

Edited January 8, 2016 by 66Charger

[Mrin]

I think you got your Self fulfilling prophecy. I think you should have been a grown up and TALKED to him.

 

I agree. Total self fulfilling prophecy.

 

OP: I know that in the heat of the moment when tensions are high, you just do what you have to do or what feels right. I would just suggest if you get into a similar situation in the future (not the whole sex with friend but just where you suspect something is operating in his head) that you confront it head on rather than this way.

 

Best of luck!

[Space Ritual]

In some respects I understand where you are coming from, but at the end of the day, what was I supposed to do? Wait around on this guy in the hope that maybe he would consider taking me on as a relationship?

 

I'm no ones charity case and yes, maybe what I did was harsh; but I am not going to let him make jokes at my expense and dip in and out of my life when he feels like it. I tried talking to him about it when he first found out but he didn't want to know.

 

Well,

 

Don't feel too bad about it.

 

Even had you continued in a relationship with this guy, chances are it would have been short lived.

 

As I have stated before on these forums, we men have far more fragile egos than we ever care to admit. It was a very unfortunate circumstance that you had slept with a friend of his. Sometimes we have bad luck. Just one of those things.

 

I guess I'll try to take the point of view of the guy you were dating to explain a little bit of what may have been going through his mind. So please bear with me.

 

When this guy's friend compared notes with him about you, he felt a bit emasculated by his friend. It was a shot to his ego that you had slept with his friend, so at that point, regardless of what you may have said or not have said, you were in a no win situation.

 

His friend probably realized after he let the cat out of the bag that he had upset him. Instead of trying to soften the blow, as he then realized how much your BF did in fact like you, the friend literally doubled down and probably then said some pretty nasty things about you.

 

So then understandably, you felt a bit overwhelmed by all of this. So when you blocked his phone number an he contacted you the way he did, it only reinforced in his mind whatever nefarious thing the friend was telling him. You cutting contact provided your BF an opportunity to seize on something the friend may have said about you, and it allowed the friend in a way to cover his own arse.

 

All in all it is a comedy of errors that you can't be faulted for sleeping with the guy when you did. How would you have known that you would be dating his best friend a year later unbeknownst to you? You couldn't. None of us could. We are not mind readers.

 

The relationship died a natural death because your bf had his friend yapping in his ear about your negative attributes, either real or imagined. He would have been badgering him about you relentlessly had he pursued the relationship further and eventually he would have dumped you anyway, because the thought of this other guy being with you would have never escaped his mind.

 

Nothing you could have done would have avoided this at all.

 

So don't be too hard in yourself, Just remember that not everyone you hook up with not be worth your time, and vice versa. That's why those experiences are called One Night Stands.

 

You will be ok. I assure you.

[preraph]

I wouldn't trust the guy because I don't believe he's just now finding out you went out with his friend. I think he went out with you despite it was an ex of his friend. On purpose, like a vulture.

[sandylee1]

I think you did the right thing this time around but I think in the future I would be a little more selective to who you share your self with. I also agree with the other poster that stated the friend was probably trying to just get back at you for the rejection. When he messaged you did you show your BF?

 

I can imagine if you had things might have played out differently.

 

Good luck.

 

C

 

She was in a relationship with the first guy.. saying she should be more selective is as though she sleeps with anyone.

Might not be how you intended. But it sounds like that.

[Spectre]

In some respects I understand where you are coming from, but at the end of the day, what was I supposed to do? Wait around on this guy in the hope that maybe he would consider taking me on as a relationship?

 

I'm no ones charity case and yes, maybe what I did was harsh; but I am not going to let him make jokes at my expense and dip in and out of my life when he feels like it. I tried talking to him about it when he first found out but he didn't want to know.

 

I just don't agree with blocking people unless you have to. If you had told him you just were done with him and didn't want to speak to him and he continued to persist I could see it.

 

Also come on now..you tried talking to him when he first found out. Don't you think maybe he might of been having a hard time dealing with it at that moment? Just let me tell you if he really had strong feelings for you this would be like a shot to the heart. Even though you did nothing wrong it is just..with guys they are different and I'm sure his friend painted a vivid picture.

 

I'm not saying go give him a chance since I am not sure how strongly you felt about him. I would suggest bailing like you did. However, if you had truly strong feelings for him I might say something different. But then you don't seem to have those serious of feelings so this all worked out so I wish you luck in the future.

Edited January 11, 2016 by Spectre

[HereNorThere]

You are literally living my worst nightmare. Sorry, but it's just bad luck. You didn't do anything wrong and neither did he. I personally don't want to know or see any of my girl's exs and that's just the way it is. I certainly couldn't date a girl that one of my buddies have slept with. We refer to as "crossing swords" and it's a major turn off for most of us. Men are visual creatures and there's nothing worse than visualizing your friend having a sex with your partner (for most normal, non-hypersexual people.)

 

And this isn't a gender thing either. I freaking kissed one of my (ex) girlfriend's friends a few months before I met here and she let me know straight up "If you had slept with her I wouldn't have dated you."

 

Sure, humans are jealous animals and no one likes to think of their partner with someone else. When you actually know the person it makes the "mind movies" a hundred times worse. Add in the fact this guy kinda talked smack about you so now it feels like he is dating a girl that his friend used and rejected (even if it that isn't true). Surely you can see how that would make you feel if you were in his shoes.

 

This could happen to anyone of us. Hell, it almost happened to me, so I can totally relate. You just have to chalk it up to bad luck and move on. It will make a really good story once you move past the emotion and you'll be able to laugh about it.

 

Sorry, OP. I know that it can't feel good. I don't know any of these jerks so if I was there I'd certainly take you out for a drink. Cheers.

[HereNorThere]

You mentioned using Facebook. Isn't it kind of common practice to do a quick facebook scan to make sure you aren't dating your boss's daughter or your exgirlfriend's new roommate? At the very least, I usually see if they know people I know. Did the old guy not have facebook or they aren't friends?