JewelD Posted January 2, 2016 Share Posted January 2, 2016 My mother and I have never had the best relationship. She's very quick to anger and says horrible things. When I was growing up, I dealt with it because I really didn't have a choice. But now, I'm an adult so I figured things would be a little different in our relationship. But I was wrong apparently. My mom came to visit this weekend and we got into a spat over my heat being turned on. She wanted it off but I was trying to tell her that it would run my bill up to keep turning it off and on when it's freezing outside. I gave in and turned it off and asked her to leave it off. Then she called me a bitch and said she was going to leave in the morning instead of on Monday like she'd planned. I was upset about the heat, but I didn't call her out of her name or curse at her. It really wasn't that big of a deal to call me a bitch over it. and in my own home! If she doesn't leave tomorrow, I plan on confronting her. I don't care if we argue, but I don't need to be talked to like that. I'd rather her just not visit at all if she thinks she's going to keep calling me out of my name. Idk how she'll respond, probably more anger. Anybody else had a similar issue with their parents? How much negative crap is a person obligated to deal with from their parents? Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 2, 2016 Share Posted January 2, 2016 Having gone through menopause, I do have sympathy for those who need the heat turned down. What I don't understand in this argument is why there appeared to be no compromise from either of you. Could you not heat particular sections of the house leaving part warm and part cold? Or just turn it down a few degrees? I wonder if there could have been a happy medium where she was wearing a tank top and you were wearing a cardigan. That being said, it's never OK to call someone a bitch. Does the rest of your family battle with your mother? One of my friends has a mother who's a handful but they love her regardless. She and her family support each other through their mother's bad behaviour. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JewelD Posted January 2, 2016 Author Share Posted January 2, 2016 Having gone through menopause, I do have sympathy for those who need the heat turned down. What I don't understand in this argument is why there appeared to be no compromise from either of you. Could you not heat particular sections of the house leaving part warm and part cold? Or just turn it down a few degrees? I wonder if there could have been a happy medium where she was wearing a tank top and you were wearing a cardigan. That being said, it's never OK to call someone a bitch. Does the rest of your family battle with your mother? One of my friends has a mother who's a handful but they love her regardless. She and her family support each other through their mother's bad behaviour. I have baseboard heating that doesn't really allow for temperature control. I can turn it on, turn it up, or turn it off. I don't think she's going through menopause, but she is a bit overweight so she gets hot when the average person would be alright. I was wearing sweats and I was fine and she was in a nightgown with her arms and legs out. She always gets into it with her siblings bc she's very overbearing and judgmental. Really likes to shame people when they're down on their luck or make choices she doesn't agree with. But she's not like that with my older brother and sister. My brother has cussed her out like a dog on several occasions and she kinda just sits there and takes it. and she's always kind to my sister and her fiancee. But since it's just me, I feel specifically targeted. Maybe she does it bc she feels like I need her.My siblings have their own homes and they're married/engaged. They don't need her support anymore, they're in a position where they can do stuff for her, like lend her money, buy her appliances, stuff like that. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 3, 2016 Share Posted January 3, 2016 How old are you? You need to set very strong boundaries with her and stick to them, don't let her manipulate you into caving. She can't come to YOUR house and dictate how things go and be rude to you too. IF she doesn't like it, next time she visits maybe it would be best for her to stay in a hotel and then you two visit. Your mom won't change too much, she may make an effort for a little while but eventually will fall back into her old ways. All you can do is just know that your mom has issues that have nothing to do with you so don't let her make you feel bad, sad, insecure. I know easier said than done.... Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted January 3, 2016 Share Posted January 3, 2016 sounds like its acceptable for the namecalling in your family dynamics. Seems to be unhealthy though... As a hostess in attending to guests ( which your mom was), accomodating them is open to circumstance. As previously suggested your mother may well be going thru the change. Sorry that the situation culminated in the normal, lets dislike each other cuz thats all we know.... My mom and i had our disagreements... and sadly in losing her I now bear the burden of regrets... until that day comes... its like telling a sightless person to look at the rainbow... You will only understand long after, just what your parents went thru there entire life ... before and while raising you. It will make sense .. but long after its tooo late. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 3, 2016 Share Posted January 3, 2016 I have baseboard heating that doesn't really allow for temperature control. I can turn it on, turn it up, or turn it off. I don't think she's going through menopause, but she is a bit overweight so she gets hot when the average person would be alright. I was wearing sweats and I was fine and she was in a nightgown with her arms and legs out. She always gets into it with her siblings bc she's very overbearing and judgmental. Really likes to shame people when they're down on their luck or make choices she doesn't agree with. But she's not like that with my older brother and sister. My brother has cussed her out like a dog on several occasions and she kinda just sits there and takes it. and she's always kind to my sister and her fiancee. But since it's just me, I feel specifically targeted. Maybe she does it bc she feels like I need her.My siblings have their own homes and they're married/engaged. They don't need her support anymore, they're in a position where they can do stuff for her, like lend her money, buy her appliances, stuff like that. Ah yeah, overweight makes heat very uncomfortable. You could be on the money about her feeling like you need her. I wonder if on top of her already ornery personality she resents giving you the support she does. My suggestion would be to nicely refuse any support she gives you. Prove to her that you can do it on your own. When she knows that you don't rely on her and don't need her, you can do as your brother did and throw her out if she disrespects you. Thing is, while you're beholden to her support you pretty much have to accept her behaviour. Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted January 4, 2016 Share Posted January 4, 2016 sounds like its acceptable for the namecalling in your family dynamics. Seems to be unhealthy though... As a hostess in attending to guests ( which your mom was), accomodating them is open to circumstance. As previously suggested your mother may well be going thru the change. Sorry that the situation culminated in the normal, lets dislike each other cuz thats all we know.... My mom and i had our disagreements... and sadly in losing her I now bear the burden of regrets... until that day comes... its like telling a sightless person to look at the rainbow... You will only understand long after, just what your parents went thru there entire life ... before and while raising you. It will make sense .. but long after its tooo late. So because parents go through a lot raising their kids, it gives them the right to say and do whatever they want? Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted January 4, 2016 Share Posted January 4, 2016 Don't accept any financial or emotional support from your mother if it comes with disrespect and verbal abuse. Parents who do not know how to be respectful and kind do not deserve to have close relationships with children. I don't know why so many parents do not understand that their adult children are people too. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 6, 2016 Share Posted January 6, 2016 It's time you told your mother she's not the boss of you anymore, especially in your own home. If you want to try to keep it civil, you can start by saying you learned a lot from her and value her opinion, BUT you are a grownass woman now and the boss of your own home and doing just fine and will ask when you need her advice again. Link to post Share on other sites
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