Childishness never ends

[sickofyou]

Found my ex to be cheating on me around Thanksgiving. Went NC, during of which she's called, unblocked me on Facebook and IG. No voicemail or texts so I don't know what she's up to. It's like when I don't answer she immediately posts pics of him and her out of the blue. What's sad is they don't even look hapoy, everything seems forced and over the top. Lastnight at midnight she sees on my facebook that I'm out with friends. She used this to make contact with a mutual friend to ask about how I'm doing. I told him it's obvious she up to something. Who, out of the blue does that in the middle of the night. I'm more than willing to bet her new guy has no clue she's attempted contact. Funny thing is she did this to me with her exes before me. Always talking to and contacting them. The newest delima is I recently found out she's been spreading my/our personal business to people we work with. Business thats,not hers to talk of. Onto of this she's literally making up things that are hurtful and negative to spread. In the same breath turns and asks how I've been in hopes my coworkers will tell her. She hasn't gotten what she wanted from me, a reaction, so she resorts to hurtful behavior. My question is should I continue to ignore her or address her about the gossip. I hate ignoring her because I know it's hurtful but I don't care to engage in conversation with her because she's very mean and manipulative.

Edited January 2, 2016 by sickofyou
Grammer

[artnoveau]

I don't want to overanalyze, but she sounds a bit boderline to me.

 

But what she is doing is mostly to get your attention and to not completely let what you two had end.

So if you want to stick with being broken up (and I think that would be best), I think going NC and ignoring her will be the best.

Otherwise this will go on for ages.

 

The fact that she gossips to your co-workers is annoying, but might show that she is more impulsive than rational.

So I'm not sure talking will help.

 

Maybe you can sort it out with your coworkers directly. At least with some of them, telling them that you are sorry and embaressed about this and that it was a rough breakup (but not giving any details).

Most people should be fine with that explanation.

 

And then ignore her.

Because the best way to let her move on is by moving on yourself and vice versa.

[BC1980]

You need to block her in all forms. Social media, phone, ect. I'm not so much concerned with her behavior but with yours. Because when you don't block her, you are getting something out of her behavior. I think it would be beneficial to figure out why you are so interested in HER behavior when you are the one allowing most of it to come to your attention.

[basil67]

Dude, you're being too soft.

 

She's mean and manipulative. Who cares if you unfriending her is 'hurtful'? She freaking deserves to be unfriended - and more. If she doesn't like it, tell her to suck it up.

 

Do you have evidence that she's gossiping to your workmates....or do you have a workmate who will verify what she's doing? If so, report her behaviour to HR. Honestly - you need to come down on her like a ton of bricks.

 

Block, reject and report.

[sickofyou]

I do believe she is a BPDer. She has no logical thinking. All impulsive. That's why the trust was quickly ruined. She would get mad at me over spilt milk, and out of impulse, break up with me, move out snd begin talking to other men. I took her back so many times that it's down right embarrassing.

[artnoveau]

He is being to soft on her, but there is no reason to be this mean.

Blocking her and ignoring her is fine. But reporting her to HR?

She is a person after all, with feelings. You lot talk of her as if she was a manace, when I think she could just as easily be posting on this forum somewhere.

 

So yes, ignore her, move on, don't allow her to pull you back in, but she is still a person with feelings and she is hurting.

Geting her into trouble only prolongs the whole affair for her and for you.

 

And sickofyou, if you ever want to talk more about the whole BPDstuff and get that feeling out - the taking back, putting in effort, believing in the relationship and seeing it ruined nevertheless - I am open to talking more about it.

I have experienced it twice now and it hurts so much and is so confusing.

[sickofyou]

I'm not going to report her but because of her impulsive actions and constant need for everyone to hear her, its begining to cause problems at my work. She's making up things that aren't true. If it continues I will be forced to take that route.

[artnoveau]

If it gets worse, of course.

I feel for you and I hope it goes well for you.

I didn't mean to berate you.

 

I also hope she understands at some point that she might need a therapist.

I think with borderliners it takes some time, because they are very good at getting back on their feet for a short amount of time and totally believing that it is gonna work out this time. (Which will turn out wrong and will send them on a downward spiral again.)

[sickofyou]

After some time, I tried to get her into therapy bit she refused to go or see anything was wrong with her. She did a very wonderful job of making me feel guilty of everything, for standing up for myself and I was always to blame. When I did receive an "apology " it was because I asked for one and even still wasn't something she took full ownership of. "I'm sorry for you did this to make me do that" types of apologies.

 

I began going to therapy because I believed the problem was me. After all it takes two. After describing the good,bad and ugly of both sides the best I could, my therapist believes my ex is a BPDer and stated that I needed to not walk away but yet run away if I wanted to avoid any future trouble and drama with heartache.

 

What hurts these days is little by little I'm finding out more and more of the things (cheating) she was doing behind my back. Simple things like dinner with "female coworkers" was really a date with a male. Just hurts because this wasn't the person she portrayed herself to be nor did I see this type of person. All along I was being made the fool, all happening right under my nose.

 

Now I'm hearing from friends and coworkers the rumours she's making up. The half truths that she's putting her own little "victim" spin on. It's all Ju more betrayal and hurtful. While together I never heard her talk badly of anyone. Now it's like she purposely pulls certain people aside to tell them all these stories and horrible things about me. I'm of the mindset, you've moved on so be happy stay out of my life. But she is always got something to say about me or us to my friends or coworkers. I almost think (given her teenager mentality ) she's telling certain people this because she knows they will come tell me. But she's gone as far as to go to my boss and tell him flat out lies that could very easily get me in trouble. This just isn't the person I knew. As soon as I found out of the other guy, I walked away. She's the one that's made it a point to remain in some form, in my life.

 

I just wish she would be more of an adult about things and just leave my name from her gossip circle. It's very hurtful to know that she's saying these things.

[artnoveau]

One thing about borderliners is that they only think in black and white.

They can honestly only see things as bad or good.

In my opinion it is because deep down they know that they have issues, but they are not looking to solve them - they are waiting for someone or something to make them go away.

I.e. they think if they get with a great guy they will finally have this great relationship in which they will be happy and have no urge to do those things they did in all the other relationships. (Cheating, manipulating and sabotaging).

- My Ex thought so, but I have talked to other borderliners as well -

 

Then they notice that its not working and all the hopes put into this relationship die and they need to move on to keep looking for their savior.

Once the relationship clearly fails the expartner is the bad guy - the person that made the relationship not work.

By thinking and feeling this they can escape responsibility. The failure - usually one in a long line of failures - is not their fault.

 

This might sound horrible, but borderliners are sometimes so messed up, that they can not fix what is wrong with them by themselves. And admitting to having those problems would be to admit that they might never be happy and normal. Which I think borderliners need desperately.

 

I don't know what happened to your ex, but borderliners often have a history of (sexual) abuse. So facing what is wrong with them would include facing this trauma and that just sounds like a horrible thing.

The fact that they usually have low self-worth and need external confirmation makes the whole black/white thing worse.

 

I am not trying to make your ex the nice one here.

But I think understanding why those people feel and behave this way might make it easier for you.

 

The whole cheating - always looking for someone better, because they don't believe that they have worth on their own - and the lies right now, are all very borderline and your therapist is right when he told you to run.

(My own therapist failed miserably, always making suggestions on how to keep the relationship going and saying that I will get back together with my ex, when I had ended it at one point - which I did. I wish he had told me to run and that I was strong enough to do so.)

 

I don't think she can behave any differently, so you better do what you need to protect yourself.

But don't think that the fact that she cheated on you has anything to do with you. She did see good in you, otherwise she wouldn't have tried to be with you.

But the expectations she put in you are unrealistic and could not be full filled.

And she might have seemed like a totally different girl when you were together.

I guess that is the girl she wanted to be so desperately, but couldn't be.

Try to appreciate the good you had and see the rest as her illness, which sadly, you can't fight.

 

You'll find a cool girl with a normal range of problems one day and you'll be happy.