What worked for you? Getting over abuse/gaslighting/cheating/lying etc.

[Fruitee]

Hello

 

I wrote this other topic too about my "ex" and relationship I was in. It lasted about an year and during this year he abused me mentally and physically, told me millions of lies starting from where he is spending weekend to having secret girlfriend and baby, gaslighted me saying I am just imagining things when I asked about things I have seen like photos of his pregnant gf etc.

 

So now that all of this is over and I have started to heal from this relationship. I would like to hear what worked for others. I let myself be sad. I have started nc. I am exercising. I have been to couple of dates. Made some new friends. Met with friends. Talked about this. But what else I could do. And how to avoid relapse. That is what I am scared of most. That I will end up under his spell again.

 

He is now out of town but will be back. And he has been telling me how he wants to get back together etc. When we were together he always threathned me. Like if I go out with someone else he would kill me etc. He also has very bad drinking problem and sleeps around. Even I am still in love with him. I don't want to see him ever again.

 

So best tips / advice etc. Thanks in advance.

[MzLady]

Therapy therapy therapy... you need to understand why you would love someone who is completely incapable of loving you how you deserve to be loved. You deserve better than that. No one should be subjected to what he has done to you. Come on here when you think you may contact him or if you just need to talk. Venting here has been very therapeutic for me. I get support from others without weighing down my family and friends. Stay strong, it will take time, but you will get there.

[Hopeful714]

Here's what worked for me:

1) No contact. None. If you feel threatened, involve the law.

2) Read about abuse. Learn about what happened to you and how it happened, including your part in it so it never happens again.

3) Forgive yourself for letting this happen, treat yourself well and work on building up your self confidence. Surround yourself with people who care about you.

4)Time. It may take a long, long time. It took me 2 years to feel ok again. Still working on the trusting part. Seek council if you can. Good luck, be well!

[Fruitee]

Thank you for the tips.

 

Last year was very hard on me and every time I tried to end the relationship we just ended up back together. Now that he is away I have been able to do the rehab. And I feel much stronger and better now. I have been reading a lot and think I was with him because of my childhood trauma and because I wanted to punish myself. Im not sure if therapy would help because I have been to therapy before and it didnt help me at all until I took my life to my own hands.

 

I have been seeing this one guy now couple of times and I decided to be honest and told him what happened. I am not sure if its too soon. I broke up with that ex in October but we continued sleeping together until December. Which Im not very proud of. But well life is..

 

What else. I think the guy who I fell in love with was just a mask. I realized that when he became violent and I could see his mask drop. So it wasnt actually him I was in love with but his show and drama and all of those things.. it was all very alluring when he was crying to me how much he loves me.

 

I have now decided to do some really big changes in my life. I have decided to move so he wouldnt know where Im living. Go out less and stop drinking etc. Just to take care of myself better.

[Hopeful714]

You sound off to a wonderful start. Just make sure you keep up the no contact. It's so important.

 

I was so broken, but I'm ok now. It's possible to be well again ....don't give up!

[bathtub-row]

I often recommend the book "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. I read a lot of books on abuse but none of them impacted me the way that book did. I finally understood what my ex was about and it diffused a lot of the feelings I once had for him. It may be worth it for you to read it.

 

As far as allowing him back into your life, only you control that -- and it's imperative that you don't let him back in. It doesn't matter how remorseful he sounds, or how much he claims to love you, or the long talks on the phone until 4am. This man is 100% messed up and he is 100% unfixable. The truth is, no matter what great qualities you see in him, those are a mask for the evil and narcissism that lurks beneath the surface. I know you think it's the opposite -- that he has bad behavior and that a really good person is deep inside him. And you think that there are enough words and enough love to bring that out in him.

 

And that kind of thinking is exactly what keeps women hooked in these relationships.

 

Even now, he abuses you through your own weakness. Do you see that? Even though he's away, you're in fear. Are you starting to understand the game he plays? The only thing he cares about is controlling you and having power over you. And, in case you're wondering, that is not love. He will suck your soul dry and, when he's done, he'll leave you to deal with the fall-out.

 

The book I talked about is powerful because it's written by a therapist who dealt with literally thousands of abusers. Eventually, he started to see patterns. He started to understand the mind of abusers. He started to understand that they enjoy hurting people, that they feed on that power.

 

It's up to you to stop this madness.

Edited January 5, 2016 by bathtub-row

[Fruitee]

I will definetly read that book.

 

Last year I thought I was going crazy. I couldnt understand what was going on. Now I feel like I can sleep and relax and think again.

 

For example when I found out about the pregnant gf he told me that he dont know this woman. Then he said he slept with her once and he dont know if the baby is his. Then he admitted that they dated one summer and slept with her because him and I were not exlusive yet. He never admitted to me that they were in relationship and if baby was planned or not. I found out the truth only after talking with her. Then he pretended like he didnt know me and kept telling me that he dont have gf and I have wrong number. After that he started to tell me again how he loves me and wants to be with me. That he understand what kind of bs situation he put me in. That he is sorry. That he was supposed to tell me about it but he got too deep. At the same time he told her he only wants to be with her. And only try with her. But I think all he has are words.

[turnera]

I often recommend the book "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. I read a lot of books on abuse but none of them impacted me the way that book did.

That was going to be my advice. My DD25 did a research project in high school after dating an abusive guy, and I read all the books and research with her, and this book is commonly considered the 'bible' on abuse. It really makes everything clear.

FREE - Lundy Bancroft's "Why Does He Do That" Read Online

[truthtripper]

 

It's up to you to stop this madness.

It's great that you can make the connection with your childhood trauma. Abusive people can only abuse others who will let them. It's only people who have been abused in their childhoods(by their parents/caretakers) who will attract/be attracted to abusers in their adult lives, abuse is familiar to them.

 

It will take some hard work to keep away from him. To be genuinely loved and treated with respect is a foreign concept to many abused people(I was also abused in my childhood). Accepting real love will be unusual and difficult, but keep at it. The fact that you recognise the dysfunction in this relationship and that it's bad for you is positive. Now you have to act accordingly.

[bathtub-row]

It's great that you can make the connection with your childhood trauma. Abusive people can only abuse others who will let them. It's only people who have been abused in their childhoods(by their parents/caretakers) who will attract/be attracted to abusers in their adult lives, abuse is familiar to them.

 

It will take some hard work to keep away from him. To be genuinely loved and treated with respect is a foreign concept to many abused people(I was also abused in my childhood). Accepting real love will be unusual and difficult, but keep at it. The fact that you recognise the dysfunction in this relationship and that it's bad for you is positive. Now you have to act accordingly.

 

This is not exactly true, although it's mostly true. I grew up with a very loving family and was never abused. I was never even around an abusive person until I was in my late 30's. It's actually this lack of experience with abusers that was really my downfall. I didn't have the first clue about them. Things I saw in movies weren't real to me. I thought they were made-up characters. However, in a short span of time, I met two abusers. The first one I dated for about 3 weeks. The second one I spent more time with and married for a short time.

 

I kept thinking that it was the circumstances, or he was highly sensitive or exacting. I just didn't get who he was. I get it now and I can spot an abusers from 10 miles away. Lesson learned.

[truthtripper]

This is not exactly true, although it's mostly true. I grew up with a very loving family and was never abused. I was never even around an abusive person until I was in my late 30's. It's actually this lack of experience with abusers that was really my downfall. I didn't have the first clue about them. Things I saw in movies weren't real to me. I thought they were made-up characters. However, in a short span of time, I met two abusers. The first one I dated for about 3 weeks. The second one I spent more time with and married for a short time.

 

I kept thinking that it was the circumstances, or he was highly sensitive or exacting. I just didn't get who he was. I get it now and I can spot an abusers from 10 miles away. Lesson learned.

Abuse is common. It is not always overt and obvious, but is actually often covert and subtle to the extent of it not even being noticed, especially in the case of emotional abuse and also covert sexual abuse. If you ever do therapy and start dissecting your childhood memories I'm sure you will find abuse hidden within the 'happiness'. But it takes the expertise of a good therapist to assist you. I have met many people who ended up in therapy due to abusive relationships who discovered that their problems truly lied in their childhood family histories.

 

If you never suffered childhood abuse you simply would not gravitate towards abusive people, rather you would be attracted to other people like yourself. We are naturally attracted to what is familiar to us. It's a basic primitive survival instinct. This self-protective behaviour is not just seen in humans but in other mammals also. So even though they feel stressed and uncomfortable in the dysfunctional relationship, abused people will continue to stay due to their perceived normality and 'safety' of it. Non-abused people would not even pause to question or rationalise the abusive behaviour of their partner, they would recognise it as foreign anf therefore unsafe and simply leave.

[Fruitee]

I have been reading that book and many things seem to fit but not all. Maybe I should check therapy after all. I think he is coming back next week and I am scared what happens. If I will be strong enough to avoid him and his contact and stay away. Im not sure what he wants. Every now and then he is texting me. And I have this feeling he wants back in. But I have to protect myself. And even I have deep gravings for him. I have to be strong.

[turnera]

If even a couple of those things fit, HE IS AN ABUSER. And you have no business being with him.

 

Another thing you should be doing is confiding in a good friend or family member so that you can call on them when you feel weak about caving to him.

[Fruitee]

I dont really have anyone to talk to. I dont know why Im this messed up. I know its not right for me but also I cant wait to see him. I am crazy.

[bathtub-row]

I have been reading that book and many things seem to fit but not all. Maybe I should check therapy after all. I think he is coming back next week and I am scared what happens. If I will be strong enough to avoid him and his contact and stay away. Im not sure what he wants. Every now and then he is texting me. And I have this feeling he wants back in. But I have to protect myself. And even I have deep gravings for him. I have to be strong.

 

When you start to realize that it doesn't matter what he wants or what he thinks, and that all you have to do is NOT talk to him, then you'll understand that you're in control. Not him.

 

This is a time where you must ignore your feelings for him, and exercise control over yourself. Emotions that you don't control will keep you tied to this nut case for years and years. And he is a nut case who will ruin your life if you let him. Those feelings for him will die away. Trust that.

[bathtub-row]

I dont really have anyone to talk to. I dont know why Im this messed up. I know its not right for me but also I cant wait to see him. I am crazy.

 

Don't do that to yourself. Please! That's EXACTLY the kind of thinking that keeps women hooked in these ridiculous relationships.

 

Skip to the back of the book to where the author talks about how and why abuse works on people. You're actually a survivor who learned how to handle the situation you were in. Putting yourself down will only bring you down. Don't be your own enemy.

[bathtub-row]

Abuse is common. It is not always overt and obvious, but is actually often covert and subtle to the extent of it not even being noticed, especially in the case of emotional abuse and also covert sexual abuse. If you ever do therapy and start dissecting your childhood memories I'm sure you will find abuse hidden within the 'happiness'. But it takes the expertise of a good therapist to assist you. I have met many people who ended up in therapy due to abusive relationships who discovered that their problems truly lied in their childhood family histories.

 

If you never suffered childhood abuse you simply would not gravitate towards abusive people, rather you would be attracted to other people like yourself. We are naturally attracted to what is familiar to us. It's a basic primitive survival instinct. This self-protective behaviour is not just seen in humans but in other mammals also. So even though they feel stressed and uncomfortable in the dysfunctional relationship, abused people will continue to stay due to their perceived normality and 'safety' of it. Non-abused people would not even pause to question or rationalise the abusive behaviour of their partner, they would recognise it as foreign anf therefore unsafe and simply leave.

 

That's highly unlikely but it's also not relevant to me at this point in my life. I never experienced abusers before or since and I wouldn't dream of being in another relationship like that again. That's the only thing that concerns me.

[turnera]

I dont really have anyone to talk to.

Then go out and FIND someone. Start with a therapist. You need one NOW.

 

And then start looking for opportunities to get out and live life. Volunteer at a pet shelter or some other place, and make friends with the people there. Ask them out for lunch. Get to know some women. Make overtures. MAKE friends.

 

Sign up for a class at a local junior college and learn how to do something new. Strike up conversations with other women in the class. Go to get coffee with them. MAKE friends.

 

Join some sort of sports league, one for beginners if you're not good at any sports yet. A league for women, not men. Tennis, bowling, bicycling, whatever. Get to know the other women - you have the sport itself to talk about. MAKE friends.

 

See how this works? The ONE thing you need most right now is other women in your life. And this is coming straight out of my therapist's mouth.

[truthtripper]

I dont really have anyone to talk to. I dont know why Im this messed up. I know its not right for me but also I cant wait to see him. I am crazy.

No Fruitee, you're not crazy. You've just been brought up/conditioned to accept bad treatment. You are not worthy of this abuse and it's something you have to learn as it was obviously not taught to you in your youth. If you had not suffered childhood abuse, it would come naturally to you to seek respect, not abuse.

Edited January 7, 2016 by truthtripper

[truthtripper]

That's highly unlikely but it's also not relevant to me at this point in my life. I never experienced abusers before or since and I wouldn't dream of being in another relationship like that again. That's the only thing that concerns me.

If you had a completely healthy childhood upbringing, you would have no concern about falling into abusive relationships as your gut instincts would automatically guide you in the right direction.

 

When you are treated badly, you simply leave. In fact you are highly likely to not even develop a relationship with the abusive person in the first place. You instinctively know it's wrong. It's as simple as that. But when a person is confused and finds it difficult to determine whether they are being abused or not, indicates that there was some dysfunction in their upbringing. Healthy parenting instills a strong sense of self respect within the child. Self respect attracts respect from others. Self respect is an abuse-proof vest.

[Fruitee]

When you start to realize that it doesn't matter what he wants or what he thinks, and that all you have to do is NOT talk to him, then you'll understand that you're in control. Not him.

 

This is a time where you must ignore your feelings for him, and exercise control over yourself. Emotions that you don't control will keep you tied to this nut case for years and years. And he is a nut case who will ruin your life if you let him. Those feelings for him will die away. Trust that.

 

Yes I know that it dont matter what he wants but what I want. I have been reading a lot Baggage reclaim and it seems like Im some kind of pleaser.

 

We have been going on circles for year and I also think what we had was codependent relationship. Someone here said that and it seems to fit.

 

Last year I met couple of nice guys and didnt pursue them because I was so attached to him even he didnt want me or wasnt around. Now Im not going to put my life on hold for him.

 

I told him when he comes back he is not allowed to come to my place. But he is insulting me on how I have moved on and making me feel bad about it.

 

But I really do like this guy I have now seen like 4 times and we talk every day. I told him what was going on and he has been very understanding and supportive. He also knows I want to take things easy so no sex or sleepovers etc for a long time. We have been eating and talking which is nice because that ex was always very physical with his interactions with me. And when Im thinking I dont want to lose this "new guy" because of my crazy ex. Because I think I will just end up lonely and ruined again. With this "new guy" I have at least some kind of chance for happiness even I am very sceptical.

 

What else. Yes. I am attending my Masters' classes during spring. And I hope I will make new friends at school. During Autumn I didnt make any friends and almost failed all my classes because of him.

 

Also I want to start going to gym again. I have already started to run and do yoga which has always been good therapy to me. And I want to go to Krav Maga. You know. For self-defence and maybe to get some friends.

 

I have couple of close friends but I dont want to stress them and I havent told anything to my family.

[Fruitee]

If you had a completely healthy childhood upbringing, you would have no concern about falling into abusive relationships as your gut instincts would automatically guide you in the right direction.

 

When you are treated badly, you simply leave. In fact you are highly likely to not even develop a relationship with the abusive person in the first place. You instinctively know it's wrong. It's as simple as that. But when a person is confused and finds it difficult to determine whether they are being abused or not, indicates that there was some dysfunction in their upbringing. Healthy parenting instills a strong sense of self respect within the child. Self respect attracts respect from others. Self respect is an abuse-proof vest.

 

This fits me very well.

[turnera]

You don't want to stress a CLOSE friend? That's what friends are for! They'll be dismayed if they find out you didn't go to them.

[Fruitee]

You don't want to stress a CLOSE friend? That's what friends are for! They'll be dismayed if they find out you didn't go to them.

 

I know but they have been listening to me already for an year.

[turnera]

Well, if you went to them and said "I'm ready to change, will you help me?" I'm pretty sure they'd be thrilled to be involved.