What worked for you? Getting over abuse/gaslighting/cheating/lying etc.

[Fruitee]

I can tell you exactly what he's doing. He's playing another head game. He knows that human nature will make you feel drawn to him because it APPEARS that he's wishing you well and giving you your freedom. That's on the surface. Deep down, he's trying to play on your kind nature in order to draw you back in so that he can start up the insanity again, and destroy the relationship you have with the new guy.

 

Do you see how this works?

 

The best response to his stupid text is to reply something like this: "Thank you for your kind wishes. You're right, I do deserve the best. So please do not text me or contact me again because I will not reply. Best wishes."

 

Or, ignoring these idiots is another great way to respond without actually responding.

 

Yep this makes sense and now I understand. Normal person logic just doesnt work with him.. I answered that best wishes for you too and from now on I wont be answering him at all. Because all he does is play and lie. Luckily from this week starting I will be very busy and wont have that much time in my hands anymore.

[Fruitee]

I love baggage reclaim. Why You?re Better Than Waiting Around For Someone To Make Up Their Mind or to Spontaneously Combust into Being Available | Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue

 

That is exactly what I was doing for the whole last year. Waiting for him to get his life together. And to really be with me. But now I understand I will be waiting for ever.

[Fruitee]

May I ask of you to entertain this Idea:

 

"What am I doing to minimize this contact and behavior?"

 

once you have the answers, put it into action.

 

This drama can be stopped. It starts with you.

 

Now I am actually starting to see it too. After I wished him best like he did to me he started to threaten me again. So it is best for me not to say anything at all. Because whatever I say is "wrong" in his opinion and gives him the idea he can still control me. Took quite long for me to understand this..

[Fruitee]

Why he is so mean and horrible to me? He is not that mean to his gf or other women..

[dreamingoftigers]

Why he is so mean and horrible to me? He is not that mean to his gf or other women..

 

*cough* *cough*

 

A few things.

 

1. He CHEATS! That's pretty darn mean!

 

2. You have no idea what other mind screws he does to others just because it isn't advertised to you.

 

3. He is probably really mean to whomever slips from his grasp. If you are pulling away and the others don't have the sense to, he'll do what he needs to do to heard you back into the harem. Whether your trigger is being threatened, ignored, lied to or sweet-talked. Abusers are pretty good at sniffing out what makes you come unglued the fastest. For me, sadly, it is having my character attacked and then being ignored. I start to fight back against that, but that only keeps me re-engaged. Then I feel shame when I get no response back. So then [abuser] gets to look like "forgiving hero" when he walks back in the door after I feel very low and unsure of myself.

 

Once I realized the cycle (learned in childhood) it broke.

I stopped getting defensive and ignored my abuser completely.

 

The last time I was abused the guy actually said to me. "I was WAITING for a long time for you to show up. I even thought I was going to get a ride and had to take transit!"

 

Enjoy the bus, friend. I found something better and more soothing to my self-esteem to do. Because I knew I didn't deserve that overreactive treatment. Especially from someone who didn't care enough about my feelings to not only attack them, but attack my overall worth as a person.

[dreamingoftigers]

I will definetly read that book.

 

Last year I thought I was going crazy. I couldnt understand what was going on. Now I feel like I can sleep and relax and think again.

 

For example when I found out about the pregnant gf he told me that he dont know this woman. Then he said he slept with her once and he dont know if the baby is his. Then he admitted that they dated one summer and slept with her because him and I were not exlusive yet. He never admitted to me that they were in relationship and if baby was planned or not. I found out the truth only after talking with her. Then he pretended like he didnt know me and kept telling me that he dont have gf and I have wrong number. After that he started to tell me again how he loves me and wants to be with me. That he understand what kind of bs situation he put me in. That he is sorry. That he was supposed to tell me about it but he got too deep. At the same time he told her he only wants to be with her. And only try with her. But I think all he has are words.

 

He denied his gf and HIS CHILD.

 

That is pretty mean! (And sick).

 

Seriously. So many abuse victims think something along the lines of "what is wrong with me that I get this treatment?"

 

That is totally backwards! It is "what the hell is so wrong with this guy that he treats ANYONE this way? And since I am not doing a PhD researching Arseholes, I won't be around to find out. Time to block his number."

 

Often we don't see the whole picture, so we just assume it's US. Because we think, "I can't imagine the crazy someone would have to put me through to get me to react that way, so I must be doing something wrong here."

 

No. No no no. Trust yourself a little more and him not at all.

[turnera]

Why he is so mean and horrible to me? He is not that mean to his gf or other women..

 

Because you let him.

[dreamingoftigers]

I dont really have anyone to talk to. I dont know why Im this messed up. I know its not right for me but also I cant wait to see him. I am crazy.

 

It's kind of like an addiction because abusers are like a random-reward system. You never know who is going to show up: nice lovey-dovey intense guy, ignore you totally guy, spoil you rotten guy, or slap your face guy, or is he going to spend the day with his gf instead?

 

Some of the things he does are sort of overkill in the "fun" direction, so you think like "he must be so invested in me." But then he backpedals and blames you for whatever crappy behaviour. Or he's "so sadly sorry and broken" over his crap behaviour.

 

It's like an emotional buffet of SCREWED-UP. If you didn't have a calm childhood, then it ends up feeling like "home" to you in a sense.

 

Ugh. You can sort of "reprogram" it, but you have to be pretty dedicated to not wanting to feed in to the "highs and lows" for yourself. Once you compartmentalize it a bit and see the cycle for what it is, it isn't "random" or "fun" anymore. At best it becomes predictable and a headache.

[turnera]

It's kind of like an addiction because abusers are like a random-reward system. You never know who is going to show up: nice lovey-dovey intense guy, ignore you totally guy, spoil you rotten guy, or slap your face guy, or is he going to spend the day with his gf instead?

Cycle of Abuse and Power Control Wheel | jchs

[dreamingoftigers]

Because you let him.

 

To a point, that is victim-blaming.

 

I get what you are trying to say, but in her position she's already over-invested and taking too much responsibility for this jerkoff's behaviour.

 

When I was being victimized in a situation that was in no way easy to extricate myself, it only caused me deep sgamr and the feelings of "I let this happen. I am responsible for it."

 

The truth is WHY he's visibly meaner to you bears little relevance. It's like asking "Why Ebola?" In the middle of an outbreak. I mean, sure it can be valuable knowledge, but more important is to stop the outbreak, save what you can of yourself and figure out ways to prevent an outbreak from happening again. Figuring out how it transmits and how to stop it etc is more important than how it originally formed way back millions of years ago or whatever. It could be of potential help, but not when you are lying on a slab having to have massive amounts of fluids pumped into you trying to keep you alive.

[turnera]

To a point, that is victim-blaming.

 

I get what you are trying to say, but in her position she's already over-invested and taking too much responsibility for this jerkoff's behaviour.

 

When I was being victimized in a situation that was in no way easy to extricate myself, it only caused me deep sgamr and the feelings of "I let this happen. I am responsible for it."

 

The truth is WHY he's visibly meaner to you bears little relevance. It's like asking "Why Ebola?" In the middle of an outbreak. I mean, sure it can be valuable knowledge, but more important is to stop the outbreak, save what you can of yourself and figure out ways to prevent an outbreak from happening again. Figuring out how it transmits and how to stop it etc is more important than how it originally formed way back millions of years ago or whatever. It could be of potential help, but not when you are lying on a slab having to have massive amounts of fluids pumped into you trying to keep you alive.

That's not what I meant. If someone is mean to you...move on. He's out of her life now, right? So chalk it up to a learning experience and never ever deal with him again. Any meanness she now experiences is because she's allowing him into her life.

[stillafool]

Today my crazy ex was texting me again. He is telling me how he knows I am seeing someone and I should be happy and I deserve the best. I dont really understand what he is trying to do here.

 

Why haven't you blocked him from contacting you? By not blocking him you are inviting his abuse.

[Fruitee]

*cough* *cough*

 

A few things.

 

1. He CHEATS! That's pretty darn mean!

 

2. You have no idea what other mind screws he does to others just because it isn't advertised to you.

 

3. He is probably really mean to whomever slips from his grasp. If you are pulling away and the others don't have the sense to, he'll do what he needs to do to heard you back into the harem. Whether your trigger is being threatened, ignored, lied to or sweet-talked. Abusers are pretty good at sniffing out what makes you come unglued the fastest. For me, sadly, it is having my character attacked and then being ignored. I start to fight back against that, but that only keeps me re-engaged. Then I feel shame when I get no response back. So then [abuser] gets to look like "forgiving hero" when he walks back in the door after I feel very low and unsure of myself.

 

Well now that you put it that way.

 

 

When I was talking to other women he has been with they all told how they never fight. He was so sweet. They had lovely time. He was good boyfriend. All those kinds of things. To me he always acted totally different.

[Fruitee]

He denied his gf and HIS CHILD.

 

That is pretty mean! (And sick).

 

Seriously. So many abuse victims think something along the lines of "what is wrong with me that I get this treatment?"

 

That is totally backwards! It is "what the hell is so wrong with this guy that he treats ANYONE this way? And since I am not doing a PhD researching Arseholes, I won't be around to find out. Time to block his number."

 

Often we don't see the whole picture, so we just assume it's US. Because we think, "I can't imagine the crazy someone would have to put me through to get me to react that way, so I must be doing something wrong here."

 

No. No no no. Trust yourself a little more and him not at all.

 

Yes but that was lie he told me to keep me. It wasnt lie he told her. Of course to her he had to admit and said he screw up because she already had talked to me.

 

I have blocked him from all social media and his calls. But he can send me texts. Because those I cant block.

[Fruitee]

Because you let him.

 

Kind of but he sent me text that have a nice life and best wishes. I answered him same to you. Then he told me he gonna hurt me if i move on. Well yeah I shouldnt have answered him at all. But nothing I said was something that should have caused a reaction like that. But again Im using logic with someone who has no sense on how to treat people. This time I repeated as well: if you keep harrassing me I will get restraining order and then his life is gonna be very difficult. We go to same University etc. So I hope he got the message.

[stillafool]

 

I have blocked him from all social media and his calls. But he can send me texts. Because those I cant block.

 

I think you can also block his texts. Google this or maybe someone here can tell you how.

[dreamingoftigers]

Well now that you put it that way.

 

 

When I was talking to other women he has been with they all told how they never fight. He was so sweet. They had lovely time. He was good boyfriend. All those kinds of things. To me he always acted totally different.

 

A couple of things here:

 

It might be a "status" thing like maybe you matter the "least." But I doubt that's it frankly.

 

You might just require a different kind of manipulation. I.e. you found his stuff and asked about it. He lied about it and you don't accept that. It could easily be the girls 1&2 (& 3 & 4?) either aren't bright enough to track it down, don't care if he's a cheater pants, he's able to pull the "oh gosh you're so special, I'd never do that to you" card with them or whatever.

 

They simply might be manipulated more easily or they are less bright and have lower expectations for themselves to begin with.

 

When I was cheated on I didn't see it coming because he was so "perfect," "rarely fought at all" etc. It totally blindsided me. BUT I didn't buy the perfect dance after I caught him. It was a total disaster and he was VERY defensive and really screwed with my head (Google "gaslighting").

 

I HATE having my head messed with and having my character shot at because HE cheated and tried to turn it all into my problem for finding out about it really did nothing positive. I wanted to leave right away but was in some circumstances I won't thread-jack delve into. That's when the character shots, ignoring and disappearing happened.

 

I didn't realize quite how dependent on me he actually was because he treated me like such garbage, but looking back at it, he was really a big baby who needed someone to smooth it over for him because he simply couldn't / wouldn't take responsibility for himself.

 

This guy isn't going to take any responsibility either. Not really. If you stayed with him, he'd " throw you a bone" from time to time like "oh you deserve better than me." But its really just fishing for you to say. "Oh no you are awesome, the best, I understand it was my stupid fault."

 

And when you don't complete that part of the "relationship cycle" you are "out of his control" so he will either ignore you or freak out or whatever his playcard is to get you back in line so you give him the attention / adoration he believes he deserves.

 

It's kind of the equivalent of "why is this ebola making me bleed out the nose when those girls just seem to be doing okay with their ebola?"

 

Either way: their symptoms might not be showing yet, maybe it will express itself differently in different people. Maybe they are still chipper because they don't even know that they have ebola yet. Maybe they just keep blowing their noses thinking they "walked into a door, surely this isn't EBOLA." So you don't see iy.

 

Frankly, my father is a ridiculous abuser. He isn't physically abusive to my Mom. But he is nothing short of ridiculous. And she's totally blind to it. Honestly, he could blow up a preschool and she would defend him. He berates people openly and effortlessly. He has no problem getting physical with people. He has the same temperament as Donald Trump. But he has less money. You wouldn't know it though frombthe way he talks about himself.

 

My Mom just sees this completely different individual. She sees "everyone attacking poor C." Even his own children who were, ya know, kids. Being kids. Doing kid things. She describes my Dad as "totally reasonable."

 

This is the guy who tried to put a crowbar through my windshield becayse my husband wanted to drive away from dealing with his crazy ass. "Totally reasonable."

 

She acts like he's a great husband but he's cheated on her and gave her Chlamidia. [sp?] He beat me as a child and she would constantly make excuses for it. He's a total liar, passive-aggressive nut.

 

But yet, people meeting my Mom, talking to her about my Dad,.....wow. I swear it would make you wonder who "my Dad / her husband" is because he surely can't be that guy getting the police called to his house AGAIN that she's been living with the last 40 years.

 

In fact, I used to wish it turned out some other guy WAS my Dad so it would mean I had a different Dad AND it would explain why this Dad hated me so much.

 

But really, when the mask slips off he's like this with everyone. He's a total kiss-arse until that happens though.

 

It's kind of like he's Ebola, going around infecting people, but there's a certain incubation period and then you go "oh hey could this be EBOLA?" Then it just overtakes you.

[dreamingoftigers]

Yes but that was lie he told me to keep me. It wasnt lie he told her. Of course to her he had to admit and said he screw up because she already had talked to me.

 

I have blocked him from all social media and his calls. But he can send me texts. Because those I cant block.

 

Well good for blocking him on what you have done.

 

But I don't think you get how mean it is to both gf and child to deny their existence.

 

And frankly denying their very existence to keep what she would see as a "side-relationship" is, again, pretty damn mean.

 

As a child I can't imagine how awful it would be to have been outright denied so that my parent could cheat. That is beyond sick.

 

Frankly my father said some nasty shyte to his mistress about me (and my mother. And oh surprise it wasn't true).

 

That in and of itself is enough to have me never look at him in any kind of father-daughter way. He simply doesn't warrant any other place in my life aside from being resources that my Mother buys me presents from at Christmas / my birthday. Whatever he does in a kind, grandfatherly way with my daughter (who he has never mistreated, I will say he is completely opposite as a grandfather as he is as a father. But he knows from a long history with me that I will force no contact between him and my daughter if he so much as yells at her or shames her. I have ZERO TOLERANCE for that from him. )Frankly, if my mother wasn't living with him anymore, I would have NOTHING to do with him on any level. The feeling is more that mutual. We rarely speak at all when my daughter visits. He doesn't say "hi" or ask how I am doing or anything. It's quite pleasant comparatively.

 

But your trainwreck bf would even lay claim to his child.

His own child. That is reprehensible. He should lose any kind of custody he might have.

 

Unless he was trying to hide that child from Nazi Executioners, there's no excuse for that.

 

Honestly, that makes my father look slightly better. At least I am one "big fat disappointment" to him but I still exist. Jeez.

 

Mean does not begin to describe that.

[dreamingoftigers]

Kind of but he sent me text that have a nice life and best wishes. I answered him same to you. Then he told me he gonna hurt me if i move on. Well yeah I shouldnt have answered him at all. But nothing I said was something that should have caused a reaction like that. But again Im using logic with someone who has no sense on how to treat people. This time I repeated as well: if you keep harrassing me I will get restraining order and then his life is gonna be very difficult. We go to same University etc. So I hope he got the message.

 

Screw that.

 

Don't sit around hoping and worrying whether he got the message.

 

CALL THE FRIGGING POLICE and show then the threat and get the restraining order.

 

Jeez. He outright threatened to hurt you?

 

So he's a total loose cannon and he's nuts enough to announce it.

 

HELLO. Get some bigger help just just trying to threaten him back with a piece of paper.

 

Report him to the university too.

 

I swear, you try to "nice" this guy, you'll wind up in a shallow grave. Don't mess around with this. Guys like this are Dangerous.

[bathtub-row]

I never blocked my looney ex but I did change his name in my phone to "Jerk!" Some time went by and I forgot about it. When he did call, it took me completely off-guard seeing that name pop up. So much so that I busted out laughing. It was a great reminder, too.

[dreamingoftigers]

I never blocked my looney ex but I did change his name in my phone to "Jerk!" Some time went by and I forgot about it. When he did call, it took me completely off-guard seeing that name pop up. So much so that I busted out laughing. It was a great reminder, too.

 

I've heard of lots of variations on this.

 

Even names like "Don't Answer"

 

My favorite one was a woman I know changed the ringtone to a dog barking. And the guy came into her home, didn't see her there and called her. But she was home and her phone was on the counter so he heard it and got pretty pissed off. But he wasn't supposed to be there at all anyways so there wasn't much he could say or do.

[RySant]

Here's what worked for me:

1) No contact. None. If you feel threatened, involve the law.

2) Read about abuse. Learn about what happened to you and how it happened, including your part in it so it never happens again.

3) Forgive yourself for letting this happen, treat yourself well and work on building up your self confidence. Surround yourself with people who care about you.

4)Time. It may take a long, long time. It took me 2 years to feel ok again. Still working on the trusting part. Seek council if you can. Good luck, be well!

 

All of these things are TRUE!! I completely healed 2 years as well. Ughh! Too long but the key is consistent NC

[Fruitee]

I wanna thank you guys. Idk what I would have done without your help!

[Fruitee]

A couple of things here:

 

It might be a "status" thing like maybe you matter the "least." But I doubt that's it frankly.

 

You might just require a different kind of manipulation. I.e. you found his stuff and asked about it. He lied about it and you don't accept that. It could easily be the girls 1&2 (& 3 & 4?) either aren't bright enough to track it down, don't care if he's a cheater pants, he's able to pull the "oh gosh you're so special, I'd never do that to you" card with them or whatever.

 

They simply might be manipulated more easily or they are less bright and have lower expectations for themselves to begin with.

 

When I was cheated on I didn't see it coming because he was so "perfect," "rarely fought at all" etc. It totally blindsided me. BUT I didn't buy the perfect dance after I caught him. It was a total disaster and he was VERY defensive and really screwed with my head (Google "gaslighting").

 

I HATE having my head messed with and having my character shot at because HE cheated and tried to turn it all into my problem for finding out about it really did nothing positive. I wanted to leave right away but was in some circumstances I won't thread-jack delve into. That's when the character shots, ignoring and disappearing happened.

 

I didn't realize quite how dependent on me he actually was because he treated me like such garbage, but looking back at it, he was really a big baby who needed someone to smooth it over for him because he simply couldn't / wouldn't take responsibility for himself.

 

This guy isn't going to take any responsibility either. Not really. If you stayed with him, he'd " throw you a bone" from time to time like "oh you deserve better than me." But its really just fishing for you to say. "Oh no you are awesome, the best, I understand it was my stupid fault."

 

And when you don't complete that part of the "relationship cycle" you are "out of his control" so he will either ignore you or freak out or whatever his playcard is to get you back in line so you give him the attention / adoration he believes he deserves.

 

-

 

But really, when the mask slips off he's like this with everyone. He's a total kiss-arse until that happens though.

 

-

 

Okay. Hmm. Well I have been thinking that how could his gf/baby mama been so clueless about him and what he was doing. She was like 7 or 8 months pregnant and this guy is sleeping with me, turning his phone off, she can't reach him and is all alone etc. And she didn't stop and think maybe this guy is cheating on me?

 

We even travelled together. And this guy spent 1 week away from her. And I didn't notice him answering someones calls. Unless he did it when I was sleeping or in the toilet. Because we spent 24/7 together.

 

When he left the town to travel with her (I thought he was with his friends at that point) he answered my calls and told me lies which I didn't believe and I told him very clearly what I think of that / that type of behaviour. But I thought he is only cheater and player and I was the gf and he has some side chicks. But when I found out about the "real gf" and baby I was shocked. Because I couldn't believe he would be that low.

 

When I started going out with him I told him: Do not play me. Because you won't be able to do it. And if you don't tell me the truth I will find it out one way or another.

 

When I didn't believe him that he would love he. He actually cried to me. Tears came out of his eyes and he was holding me and crying and sobbing how he never loved anyone like me. Also his friends told me (I actually trust little bit this one guy) how much he loves me.

 

But when the baby was being born (he was in my place that night, left from here to see baby being born and came back to me, can you believe that??)... The gf couldn't reach him so his friend called him and told him to go the hospital. Instantly he started to cry (because he heard the news baby being born) and he told me a lie how his another son (This son I knew about) was sick. Yes he has two kids with two different women.

 

Later I realized this guy could hear news about this newborn, start to cry AND come up with lie and then lie to me in a split second. So I realized that even that moment when he was crying to me how much he loves was just an evil plan to keep me tricked. I told him that was the only moment when I believed him but later realized it wasn't true.

 

He actually told me: Congratulations. You win. After I had exposed him and his lies.

[Fruitee]

Well good for blocking him on what you have done.

 

But I don't think you get how mean it is to both gf and child to deny their existence.

 

And frankly denying their very existence to keep what she would see as a "side-relationship" is, again, pretty damn mean.

 

As a child I can't imagine how awful it would be to have been outright denied so that my parent could cheat. That is beyond sick.

 

--

 

But your trainwreck bf would even lay claim to his child.

His own child. That is reprehensible. He should lose any kind of custody he might have.

 

Unless he was trying to hide that child from Nazi Executioners, there's no excuse for that.

 

Honestly, that makes my father look slightly better. At least I am one "big fat disappointment" to him but I still exist. Jeez.

 

Mean does not begin to describe that.

 

I actually never thought of it like that. I guess I was too inside my own head and concentrated on how much I WAS hurting and how he lied to ME and treated ME so badly etc. Also I can't shake this feeling that maybe I was SO freaking SPECIAL that he would go through all of this trouble to keep ME. I guess I have inflated ego.

 

I was also trying to figure out what his plan was. Because at some point he told me this lie about his work like how they would change his schedule. I think that was his plan to keep me and her. Tell me he was working evenings so he could be more with her and the baby. And then keep me for the weekends or something. I just don't understand why he would need to keep us both.

 

I did little bit of stalking and noticed that he hasn't posted anything in social media about his new baby (neither has his friends, the gf has photos of her baby of course). He only has photos of his first child and some really corny stuff like how his plan is to do everything for his son. So I don't think that many people even know about his gf and new baby. That gf was complaining to me how her son hasn't even met his brother. So what I'm thinking his old baby mama don't even know about this new gf and son. Very complicated life he is living. No wonder he drinks too much.