What worked for you? Getting over abuse/gaslighting/cheating/lying etc.

[turnera]

You're learning.

 

My only suggestion is to keep those boundaries, but maybe also learn to be a little more tactful. I don't know exactly how the conversation went, but I've seen people who go down this path who get a little 'giddy' about the power you now have and it can come across as mean.

[Fruitee]

I know it sounded little bit harsh on my message here. But we had been chatting for months. Met twice. And then he said he would like to go for official date. I suggested one day. He wanted to meet before. We continue chatting. He suggested movie. I said it sounds like good idea. I asked when. We said he couldt say. We continued chatting. Then he asked me to go to his place for sleepover. He still couldnt decide on the movie date though... So I guess he really didnt wanna go out with me but more wanted me to go to his place.

[turnera]

Oh hell no. Never give a guy sex unless he's taking you out and treating you with respect, or unless you've become an official couple.

[Fruitee]

^ Yeah and couple of times meeting someone just is not enough to know a guy. Thats why my new rule is at least 3 months.

[dreamingoftigers]

My rule was three months and I knocked boots with my husband after three weeks. Not full-on sex for about 3 months though. He never pressured me to go further than I was comfortable. Even said he would have waited until marriage to have full on sex.

 

But still, if I didn't have the initial boundary in place, I would have felt more pressure to put out.

[Fruitee]

My problem has been getting too invested and thinking sex means same to my date as to myself. So thats why I decided 3 months. Then the guy should be at least more interested in ME and my personality than what I have in my pants.

 

My date yesterday went well. We had simple dinner and coffee in town. He was nice and we had stuff to talk about. He already said during date he wants to meet me next week and this morning asked for more details e.g time and suggested activities.

 

But I also feel like he is too eager and too invested. I am thinking maybe I should tell him to go out with others too? Because if he has all of these ideas and expectations and I dont even know if I like him..

[turnera]

What I tell people is when you start dating, don't see each other more often than once a week, AT MOST. At first, probably better no more than twice a month. That way, you keep a balance with other parts of your life. When we meet someone, our body produces a chemical called PEA, which is what makes you feel giddy and 'in love' - what kept the cavemen together long enough to make kids.

 

So if you take it more slowly, that PEA chemical doesn't just jumpstart your body and get you to make 'emotional' decisions. Not having that 'high' lets you step back and really observe the other person, see their flaws, so that you make smarter decisions.

[Fruitee]

^YES!!

 

So related to that matter. Funny thing happened. That guy I went out with yesterday already blocked me.

 

He wrote to me that it is rare for him to find women who he thinks are attractive. And I was like come on :'D, you dont have to tell me stuff like that. This planet is full of attractive women. Then he was like he likes intellectual women and thats what he is attracted to, and I said yes there are plenty of those too. I have no problem with it. Other women being smart and pretty dont make me dumb or ugly. Its not that difficult to find someone who is smart. Or has similar interests as he has.

 

It is ok to say that he thinks that I am pretty or smart or that he likes me. But to say something like that. It is in my opinion sweet talking or at least unneccessary after 1st date. Like I am some how special and now after 3 years of not dating (!!) he finally found me. He was going on like how it is difficult for him to find a woman that he likes. Well sure it is difficult to find someone interesting but why start to talk about this now! We just had our first date.

 

I kinda of said that it is bs and a lie. That either he don't go out enough to meet new people or he is trying to sweet talk me. Then he got mad because I said that it is a lie after he said that there are plenty of women but he don't find them attractive and I should ask his friends. Then he said he would prove it to me that he is not attracted to other women (??). I was like how? Because how can he prove something like that to me.

 

Then eventually he texted me all kinds of stuff during the whole day. Starting from his previous relationships to how he found out 2 years ago he likes smart women to how he is not lying.

 

At first I just thought that it was funny. And I was laughing. But then he got mad and started to text me things like: I thought I had found someone, I thought you were smart, I thought we had a connection etc.

 

I just find it so odd that someone would write to me something like that. You dont have to do that much, only go to town, to see tons of people who are pretty and smart. But if none of those people dont interest him but now suddenly I do..? I just think it is too much too soon. We just had our 1st date. And now he is telling me this. Im confused.

 

Then eventually I actually felt like he was trying to manipulate me by saying all those things like I thought I met someone special and smart, but I guess I was wrong. And I am not liar but the guy you met yesterday, nothing more or less. And I wont bother you again. Goodbye!

 

So much drama..

 

And all this because I said bs when he said he dont find women attractive and its rare for him.

 

So either he hates women? Thinks he is very smart and it is rare to meet as smart women as he is? He has really big defences against relationships? He was way too lonely and desperate and had unrealistic expectations after meeting me once? Or I truly am something quite special? Which one you guys think is true?

 

This message is little bit confusing because I am tired. :S So bear with me.

Edited March 2, 2016 by Fruitee

[turnera]

I think that you're still attracting the creeps. And it kind of seems like you're getting an awful lot of dates really quickly. Maybe you could try telling guys you want to get to know them better, via phone, maybe, before going on dates?

[Fruitee]

^ Yes I totally agree and I realized that today as well.

 

I already decided to take it easy now. I had 3 dates. And I was supposed to have 4th. But thats cancelled now.

 

Instead of all of that I made plans with my friends.

[Fruitee]

On the positive side: I was able to spot these guys before they drag me down. I made 2 new girl friends at school. And I decided to ask my 2 best gf's for girls night out. And next week my bff and I are attending new social event. Going out and talking to new people have made me realize there are plenty of guys out there. My ex dont trigger me anymore. I think of him hardly. I am not losing my **** at work anymore that often. I sleep better. School is going great. So lots of progress!

[dreamingoftigers]

My problem has been getting too invested and thinking sex means same to my date as to myself. So thats why I decided 3 months. Then the guy should be at least more interested in ME and my personality than what I have in my pants.

 

My date yesterday went well. We had simple dinner and coffee in town. He was nice and we had stuff to talk about. He already said during date he wants to meet me next week and this morning asked for more details e.g time and suggested activities.

 

But I also feel like he is too eager and too invested. I am thinking maybe I should tell him to go out with others too? Because if he has all of these ideas and expectations and I dont even know if I like him..

 

Ugh no. He can figure out for himself if he wants to date others.

 

It looks like he's pretty decent so far.

 

Not pushy, asking you what you would like to do etc. Etc.

 

Don't push this guy away by acting uninterested by suggesting he date others LOL.

[dreamingoftigers]

^YES!!

 

So related to that matter. Funny thing happened. That guy I went out with yesterday already blocked me.

 

He wrote to me that it is rare for him to find women who he thinks are attractive. And I was like come on :'D, you dont have to tell me stuff like that. This planet is full of attractive women. Then he was like he likes intellectual women and thats what he is attracted to, and I said yes there are plenty of those too. I have no problem with it. Other women being smart and pretty dont make me dumb or ugly. Its not that difficult to find someone who is smart. Or has similar interests as he has.

 

It is ok to say that he thinks that I am pretty or smart or that he likes me. But to say something like that. It is in my opinion sweet talking or at least unneccessary after 1st date. Like I am some how special and now after 3 years of not dating (!!) he finally found me. He was going on like how it is difficult for him to find a woman that he likes. Well sure it is difficult to find someone interesting but why start to talk about this now! We just had our first date.

 

I kinda of said that it is bs and a lie. That either he don't go out enough to meet new people or he is trying to sweet talk me. Then he got mad because I said that it is a lie after he said that there are plenty of women but he don't find them attractive and I should ask his friends. Then he said he would prove it to me that he is not attracted to other women (??). I was like how? Because how can he prove something like that to me.

 

Then eventually he texted me all kinds of stuff during the whole day. Starting from his previous relationships to how he found out 2 years ago he likes smart women to how he is not lying.

 

At first I just thought that it was funny. And I was laughing. But then he got mad and started to text me things like: I thought I had found someone, I thought you were smart, I thought we had a connection etc.

 

I just find it so odd that someone would write to me something like that. You dont have to do that much, only go to town, to see tons of people who are pretty and smart. But if none of those people dont interest him but now suddenly I do..? I just think it is too much too soon. We just had our 1st date. And now he is telling me this. Im confused.

 

Then eventually I actually felt like he was trying to manipulate me by saying all those things like I thought I met someone special and smart, but I guess I was wrong. And I am not liar but the guy you met yesterday, nothing more or less. And I wont bother you again. Goodbye!

 

So much drama..

 

And all this because I said bs when he said he dont find women attractive and its rare for him.

 

So either he hates women? Thinks he is very smart and it is rare to meet as smart women as he is? He has really big defences against relationships? He was way too lonely and desperate and had unrealistic expectations after meeting me once? Or I truly am something quite special? Which one you guys think is true?

 

This message is little bit confusing because I am tired. :S So bear with me.

 

Never mind my previous post. :facepalm:

[Fruitee]

^ I know. Things were going so well. We had plenty to talk about. Like movies and games. We had some good discussions. But then this. Oh well. I dont understand why he got so mad and defensive. Usually when guys sweet talk me in dating apps and I am like oh come on :D they just laugh it out with me but he just got mad. I didnt mean that he was liar like everything that comes out of his mind is a lie but this one line was bs though. Then he was like oh no its not a line its the truth. But still it freaked me out.

[Emilia]

^ I know. Things were going so well. We had plenty to talk about. Like movies and games. We had some good discussions. But then this. Oh well. I dont understand why he got so mad and defensive. Usually when guys sweet talk me in dating apps and I am like oh come on :D they just laugh it out with me but he just got mad. I didnt mean that he was liar like everything that comes out of his mind is a lie but this one line was bs though. Then he was like oh no its not a line its the truth. But still it freaked me out.

 

He is very unstable. The good news is, you are a smart girl and you are not the type that tries to please difficult people. That factor reduces greatly the number of screwed up guys you'll date in your lifetime. Congratulations

[Fruitee]

^ Yeah the funny thing is that he told me how he is brutally honest and never lies. Then when I say my opinion he gets offended that I call him a liar. Oh well. Then he was like I will keep the good memories etc. What memories? We had 1 date!

 

Now that I am looking back at our talks I noticed that he had said some weird stuff previously too. Which made me feel like he was way too eager. Well anyway. Is okay now.

 

That guy I had dinner with last Saturday asked me for another dinner. I said I am meeting with me friends but he said we could meet for 2 hours before that that he would like to take me to eat again. I guess its okay. I did ask him why he said he would take me home already and he had explanation for that so its ok. I will give him another go and lets see how it goes.

[Fruitee]

Its funny how all these stupid things used to be so important to me. Like how good the sex was or how I had so much fun with my crazy ex. So important that I let him treat me anyway he wanted. Soon it has been 4 months that I havent seen him. And he is just starting to be distant memory.

 

I have new admirer at school. After class he asked me which way I am going. I guess he would have walked me or something. But I just ran away. I dont wanna be involved with guys from school anymore.

[Fruitee]

Now my date cancelled. 4 hours before we were supposed to meet. Not cool. Im not gonna see him again.

[siochana]

I have done the heavy lifting. The worst is over. Still not healed.

 

I think the final step for me almost three years on would be the enter a new healthy loving relationship.

 

Unfortunately, I have not had that opportunity. I went through a phase of being angry and sad about that especially seeing as she moved on so quickly. But the intensity of that has receded too.

 

I realized I was blurring the loss of her, the fact that she (appears) to be happy with someone else, with my own lonliness and desire to be in another, healthy relationship. I am now trying to reframe that so its just single and lonely, and nothing else.

 

I did date a girl for three months and made a couple of serious mistakes namely talking about the ex. Then again, she told me once that the pain and mistrust in me is palpable.

 

In the end, she decided that she was no going to be able to take that pain away and that it was draining for her. I took that on the chin. She was/is cool and kind.

 

After that experience, I resolve to never divulge what happened to a new love interest until well into the relationship.

 

If i can get a date already!

[Fruitee]

This thread has turned into my dating discussion.

 

But yesterday after my date got cancelled i just didnt feel like going to movies with my friends so i stayed at home.

 

Until i felt like having couple of drinks. So i ended up in a bar with that movie guy. Then met with my friends. And then i took him home . I know it wasnt really what i was supposed to do but he was some how different than what i had thought and my friends liked him too. He was very calm and nice. He didnt talk any bs on how pretty i am etc. Just said when we met that i look good snd thats it. We talked all kinds of things. He didnt try to impress me. Or sweet talk me. He was funny. Said couple of jokes when he was teasing me little bit etc. Nothing weird.

 

It was weird having sex with someone after such a long time. But also i think i needed it.

 

Regarding siochanas post. We talked about ny crazy ex too. He knew i was seeing someone but didnt know the details. When i told him i didnt feel anything like previously. Before when i was talking about my crazy ex i always felt somehow emotional etc. Now i just told the story. I left some parts out.

 

I think the night went well. And he stayed with me the whole day. Also invited me to his place again. i am not sure how i feel about him. He is somehow wrong. But if he feels wrong to me then maybe he is right to others? Because with all those crazy guys i felt right.. get my drift?

[Emilia]

I know how it feels to put up with crap because of good sex. However, you will grow to realise that the quality of sex has also have something to do with you ie it will be repeated with other men.

[Emilia]

As for 'wrong' you are probably more clued up now on when to cut your losses. Good luck!

[Fruitee]

By wrong I dont mean that he would be abusive jerk. But more like maybe he is good guy but feels wrong to me because I am used to *******s. So normal human being seems wrong to me. I think I will have to see him again.

 

About the sex. Yes it was kind of weird to notice that I can have sex with someone else too than my crazy ex and it can be good too.

 

I feel some how relax.

 

That guy who cancelled the 2nd date havent really texted me anything. Also that guy who I had 1st dinner date hasnt really kept in touch but asking me randomly to go out to bars.

 

The new guy activated again. But I just told him Im not interested.

 

Just couple of weeks and I will be travelling.

 

Stress with school went down after I finished my exam. Going back to gym this week. Last 2 weeks been too busy with school and work. I have plans on finishing some books and tv shows as well I havent had a chance to finish. Life is good.

 

I still have this lingering feeling towards my crazy ex but that i can quiet easily.

[Fruitee]

Now that new guy lost his nerve. He is going back and forth. Telling me he wants to meet me. Then when I ask why or what he wants he says ok forget it then. This has now continued the whole day.

 

ALSO this one guy I had casual relationship like I dont even know how many years ago asked me out. I already told him last year I am not interested on starting new casual relationship with him. And then he asked me out on a date but didn't understand what he was saying then. And said no. I am more interested on what he has to say after all these years than seeing him. I used to be so in love with him. But he never agreed to date me. And now after all of these years he contacts me. He has been asking me over for a while now and I always say no.

 

That guy who stood me up Saturday send me some lame ass text saying how he dont wanna take his further. Well his loss not mine.

[turnera]

What ELSE do you have going on in your life? That doesn't involve men? That should be 75% of your time.