What worked for you? Getting over abuse/gaslighting/cheating/lying etc.

[turnera]

Yes. And it is VERY closely tied into Admiration. If you are always angry at your man, or disappointed in him, or expecting more from him, he will shrivel up and die inside. He literally NEEDS you to respect him. Goes back to caveman days. So if you're able to have fun with him, relax with him, laugh with him, that fills his Love Bucket immensely.

 

I wish everyone would watch The Bachelor. It is SUCH a great lesson in male psychology. Every single time one of the women goes to him and complains about not getting enough time with him, I'm yelling at the screen at her, and I'm watching him wilt just a little, watching his OPINION of her take a huge dip. I can literally see him thinking "why would I pick a woman who's always complaining?" And sure enough, that's the girl who's sent home that week. Sheesh.

[Fruitee]

^ Hehehe so true.

I think our date went well. I am not sure what will come out of it. But at least we had good time. And it wasnt awkward at all.

[Fruitee]

I am not sure if I understood correctly but I guess he said when we was chatting after our date that he would only like to be with me.

[turnera]

I am not sure if I understood correctly but I guess he said when we was chatting after our date that he would only like to be with me.

 

No.

 

Hell no.

 

ANY guy who says that quickly that they only want you is DYSFUNCTIONAL.

 

Run.

[dreamingoftigers]

No.

 

Hell no.

 

ANY guy who says that quickly that they only want you is DYSFUNCTIONAL.

 

Run.

 

Not sure myself. How many dates in?

 

How long have you known him?

[Fruitee]

I have known him for 10 years. We have now had 2 official dates. I dont mean he meant like lets be in official relationship but like lets not date others for now. It is always difficult to understand what he really means.

 

We have kept in touch over the years. Seen each other every now and then. Before these dates in 2014. He kept asking me to meet him last year but I didnt.

 

I am not sure what to think. I like him a lot. We go along very well. We know each other quite well. We rarely run out of things to joke and talk about.

 

He has grown alot. E.g. just bought a new house fit for 2.

 

I mean is it normal to say or suggest only dating 1? Even if its not like relationship yet?

[MissCongeniality]

Honestly I just pretend a problem doesn't exist if a guy ever got too rough I'd leave and take whatever I could pawn with me. I just feel it's easier to ignore things that are best left forgotten until they go away.

[Fruitee]

Omg I am too ****ing excited about this guy. Luckily I am travelling soon and wont see him for 1.5 weeks. I am in such a good mood. Wasnt late from work. Listening to music and telling jokes.

[Fruitee]

Thank god the worst high is now over. And I am back to being pessimistic about that guy. but optimistic about my future.

[Fruitee]

Argh I wrote a message again and it dissapeared. My trip went very well.

 

I have now really come to the conclusion that even if my crazy ex came to my door and said and proved to me that he would be 100 % loyal and good to me. I still wouldnt take him back.

 

I know now what to do.

 

But. That guy friend I met. We connected on so many levels. It is like hard to explain. It wasnt crazy like with my ex. It was like longest 1st date ever. We spoke 4.5 days straight on. Noticed that we like each other. And there were no awkward moments. Which was totally weird.

 

But the question is... Do I want to start a LDR with him. Is he jerk like others. And can I and him wait 1 year.

 

I am not rushing into anything. Thats for sure. But we were both surprised by the connection we had. And we both noticed that we like each other. Such a strange holiday.

[turnera]

The longer you take to get to know someone before becoming 'serious,' the better chance you have of having a good, long-lasting relationship. One year? That's a blip in your lifetime. Keep living your life, set aside time for him, too, but don't become obsessed with him. Let it all happen naturally.

[Fruitee]

Yeah I havent been obsessing over him. I have let him "come to me" also like contact me etc. instead of me making all the moves.

 

But I noticed that my low self-esteem is playing up again. I was wondering how someone so cute and funny and someone with such a good body would like me. So I really need to continue working on my self-esteem.

 

Also I don't want to be too eager and excited. But he seems to be some kind of combination of my crazy ex and that guy I have known for 10 years. But without the bs drama and sending mixed messages. Because I told my bff that I want some one like my ex but without the bad.

 

He is funny like my crazy ex (or more like funnier) and dances, sings and does sports and the sex was very good. He has ambition and goals and dreams. Then again he has similar very great style as that 10 years guy and similar sense of humour and he uses sarcasm very well. But he is also super smart and deep. I could have just listened him to talk. Especially when we were riding Uber and he just got into very deep and meaningful discussion with the driver.

 

He is smart like my ex but not prejudice as he is. And most importantly he was honest, considerate, he likes me and actually showed it. He didn't love bomb me. He of course said I am pretty and he likes me and all normal stuff. But not like those crazy guys. Like if I said a joke then he was like youre funny. Not like oh my goood that is the funniest thing ever!!! Marry me now!!

 

I still notice though in mysef that old romantic girl who is looking for some kind of dream guy and then get very excited and then dissapointed. But I also feel like I have grown alot. That I can handle my unrealistic dreams. And be realistic and still not turn into bitter bitch who hates guys. I want to believe that there is someone who is for me, but I also understand the work and commitment of relationship.

 

We could talk about every thing. But I dont wanna get ahead of myself. So I will take it easy now. I need to finish my studies and find a new job.

[Fruitee]

About my crazy ex.. It is actually weird to notice how I have now understood that how deep his betrayl was and how sick he is and how much he hurted me. And how crazy it would be of me to even consider taking him back. And that I am now that strong that I dont want him or need him. I dont want or need a man in general to built me up. I wanna be me. Concentrate on my own stuff. Not be involved in pointless drama and arguments. I do want a relationship but not just because of a relationship. Because of the other person would be something truly special and like my therapist said: good investment also. Like has something to offer and prospects. It is totally new way for me to think about relationships. I want love but it also has to be smart.

[turnera]

Have you ever read His Needs Her Needs? I think it would be good for you to read it now. It explains what a healthy relationship looks like. It will help you judge people you date against what should be happening.

[Fruitee]

Oh ****.. I have now been thinking about this guy for past couple days because I have been trying to figure out whst to do and everything feels wrong. Going there now. Then I wouldnt be able to finish masters. Or doing masters first and then going. Which means 1 year of living in LDR. ****.

[turnera]

Come hold out your hand so I can slap it.

 

Good grief.

 

YOU COME FIRST.

 

Ok?

 

NO man comes before what YOU need to do to put YOUR life in order.

 

And right now, putting your life in order means THERAPY, SCHOOL, WORK, and a healthy social life.

 

No man should come before ANY of that.

[Fruitee]

^ I know. You are right. Thanks. Puuh.

[Fruitee]

Okay so that LDR guy was visiting here too so he spend his last night and day in town with me. We actually managed to talk and he expressed his feelings towards me very openly. But we also agreed on that both of us have **** to deal with. So its nothing official. No rash movements. We will continue talking and visiting each other when possible. I will have next longer weekend off in May so I will see him then again. I feel actually pretty good about this. One thing bothers me though. He said his ex gf has managed to ruin many of his dating phase relationships by contacting woman he is seeing. I really didnt understand what that was about. So I guess I have to wait and see whats going on there. Anyway even if this dont work out I have nothing to lose and at least I have made a new friend. So need to continue carefully with this ex and red flag it raised to me.

[Fruitee]

As it turns out even I failed couple of classes last year I might be able to graduate in time. I have now my Thesis subject too. So school is going well. Work too. I actually have one guy asking me out. Idk if I should go with him or not. Also my holidays are now agreed and I will talk with that LDR guy whether I go there or he comes here. I am feeling very good. Have been hanging with my friends and applied for more jobs. I have now finished 2 classes already this semester.

[turnera]

I suggest you find a way to stop focusing on whether this guy or that guy is into you or asks you out. Focus on your school, your friends, your activities...ANYTHING but men.

 

You will never succeed until you learn to not let men or what men do define YOU.

[Fruitee]

^ I get your drift. I am not letting anyone define. I just get asked out a lot. Last week I turned one guy down because I just wanted to be at home and chill instead of going out with him. No. Actually two guys asked me to go out last week and for both I told no. Because I didnt wanna go to club or on a date. I just wanted to be at home.

 

I dont know what more I could do. I already signed up for 2 more classes because I finished 2 already. Now I will start writing research plan and my thesis. I still have classes and assignments for those.

 

I am working very hard and have plenty of business trips.

 

I see my friends weekly or many days per week and talk to them daily.

 

I go to gym whenever I dont have classes.

 

I have other hobbies and social events.

 

I feel good. I am happy. Im not depressed anymore. I dont let anyone get to me like my crazy ex did.

 

I kind of dont wanna date anyone. But then again I dont wanna live like a nun.

[Fruitee]

Hehehe so eventually I just deleted that guys number who asked me out. We were supposed to go to the movies but then he said he wants to get drinks first. I dont want to spend any extra money so I just said it like kind of as a joke that i can have a drink if he pays but i dont wanna spend money on unnecessary things. Then he was like oh i only pay for stuff if i know what i get in return... what a jerk. i told him oh maybe i should pay then instead and collect the rewards. Ahahah. Anyway. I told him i bet he has better luck with someone else and deleted him.

 

I guess some guys just think they can act like jerks just because they are cute..

[turnera]

Are you aware that there are different 'ways' that women carry themselves? There's a woman on another forum who kept getting hit on all the time. She didn't WANT to get hit on all the time, she just said 'guys just keep asking me out.' So we got deep down into how she carries herself, who she smiles at, how she moves her body, how she smiles, what she says to people.

 

It turns out that she was exuding a sexuality all the time that she thought was perfectly natural. But in reality, it was the sexuality she learned as a teenager as a come-on to guys. So in everyday life, guys looked at her and SAW a woman who SAID (without words) that she was ready to be hit on.

 

After we pointed it out, she saw it clear as day. And she changed - she stopped smiling all the time, she stopped laughing at everyone's jokes, she didn't talk back to everyone just because they talked to her, she stopped guys dead in their tracks if they said anything sexual...and she noticed an immediate change. She no longer had guys asking her out multiple times a week.

 

You may want to think about it.

[Fruitee]

Good point. I havent even though about that. I am friendly person and I always try to be nice to people and polite. I have though of it as common courtesy but I guess guys think I am hitting on them then. I never initiate contact with anyone but females e.g. at school or work. I will look into that.

[velvette]

Hello

 

I wrote this other topic too about my "ex" and relationship I was in. It lasted about an year and during this year he abused me mentally and physically, told me millions of lies starting from where he is spending weekend to having secret girlfriend and baby, gaslighted me saying I am just imagining things when I asked about things I have seen like photos of his pregnant gf etc.

 

So now that all of this is over and I have started to heal from this relationship. I would like to hear what worked for others. I let myself be sad. I have started nc. I am exercising. I have been to couple of dates. Made some new friends. Met with friends. Talked about this. But what else I could do. And how to avoid relapse. That is what I am scared of most. That I will end up under his spell again.

 

He is now out of town but will be back. And he has been telling me how he wants to get back together etc. When we were together he always threathned me. Like if I go out with someone else he would kill me etc. He also has very bad drinking problem and sleeps around. Even I am still in love with him. I don't want to see him ever again.

 

So best tips / advice etc. Thanks in advance.

 

 

I haven't read your entire thread so apologies if this has already been mentioned.

 

 

Spend some time thinking about exactly what you need and want your ideal relationship to look like. Make a list.

 

 

From what you've said this man likely does not measure up in many ways to what you want.

 

 

Resolve not to get involved with men who cant measure up to what you want.

 

 

He will never measure up until/unless he admits the serious deficiencies he has, especially the drinking and abusiveness and decides himself to get professional help from a therapist to understand the root causes of these behaviors, how he can change them.