What worked for you? Getting over abuse/gaslighting/cheating/lying etc.

[Tressugar]

Fruitee, I've been exactly where you've been...except I was married to my narcissistic abuser. I experienced every level of abuse. And yes even down to the pregnant gf too.

 

My spiritual beliefs, countless hours of intense therapy and prescribed meds do help.

[Fruitee]

I must say I am up to my neck full of these guys and what idiots they are. So one of the guys I went out on date texted me last night like a booty call text. And when I said no that I have beem very clear about myself and what type of person I am he started to tell me that what was that date then about. Like he bought me dinner and when he does that then women invite him over to their place etc. I told him once again that stop bothering me then and go with those women.

 

I am so freaking tired of these guys. Buy me a happy meal and I will spread my legs. Like what happened to get to know the other person??

[Fruitee]

I am not going to go anymore dates. There are just no guys here who think the same as I do. I wont be texting anyone or answering their texts and whatever. So tired of this bs. Just gonna finish my studies get a job and travel the world. Ugh.

[bathtub-row]

Are you aware that there are different 'ways' that women carry themselves? There's a woman on another forum who kept getting hit on all the time. She didn't WANT to get hit on all the time, she just said 'guys just keep asking me out.' So we got deep down into how she carries herself, who she smiles at, how she moves her body, how she smiles, what she says to people.

 

It turns out that she was exuding a sexuality all the time that she thought was perfectly natural. But in reality, it was the sexuality she learned as a teenager as a come-on to guys. So in everyday life, guys looked at her and SAW a woman who SAID (without words) that she was ready to be hit on.

 

After we pointed it out, she saw it clear as day. And she changed - she stopped smiling all the time, she stopped laughing at everyone's jokes, she didn't talk back to everyone just because they talked to her, she stopped guys dead in their tracks if they said anything sexual...and she noticed an immediate change. She no longer had guys asking her out multiple times a week.

 

You may want to think about it.

 

This is so very true. Nowadays, I see thru people so clearly what I once considered friendly behavior, etc. As for myself, I was continually switched on, in a sense, and men responded to that. Today, I see the insecure women so easily and I know they have no idea how transparent they are.

 

Frutiee, really the last thing you need to be doing right now is dating. I would recommend spending time with yourself and letting yourself process the last relationship you were in. After I left my abusive husband, I basically isolated myself for 6 mos. I only did what I had to do and, beyond that, I was in an emotional cave. Those relationships take a lot out of us and you need to let yourself chill for awhile. Believe me, when you re-join the world, there will still be men out there to date.

[turnera]

Something to remember, the best chance you have of finding a really good husband is to first be friends with him. Why? Because if you two are just friends, he won't be putting on an act, he won't be lying about anything, he won't be promising stuff to get you to go out with him.

 

So volunteer. Join groups. Do meetup.com activities. DO stuff, and get to know people that way, take it slowly, just hang out in groups with other people, get to know them, learn about them, in a non-romantic way. THEN ask yourself if you see anyone who has good character, doesn't sexualize women, doesn't lie, treats waiters/workers well...then you'll find the nice men.

[Fruitee]

Well I dont want a husband. I dont wanna get married. But I also dont wanna go to some cave. So I will as I have for now but no more dates.

[Fruitee]

Allright. So after weekend full of drama things are back to normal. I didnt tell this but my crazy ex had tried to reach me again. Apparently he have a puppy now. I guess he thought that taking a puppy would make me warm up to him again. I told him there is nothing he can do or say so I would take him back. And he said who told you I want you to take me back. Then wtf he is contacting me. I have now blocked him through that channel too.

 

So after him reaching out and those idiots bootycalling me that LDR guy triggered something in me and I let my crazy shine bright like a diamond. Surprisinly he is still talking to me. Could it be I have found someone who can tolerate my short temper?

Edited April 4, 2016 by Fruitee

[Fruitee]

I dont know why that puppy triggered me so heavily. I just felt so sad for her. Like isnt it enough he is making babies around and ruining womens lifes. Does he need to take animals too who cant defend for themselves.

 

I have decided to continue my medication. I was already feeling so good. Like very happy and content. But that puppy just send me over the edge again.

 

Today my new class starts and tomorrow back to gym.

[Fruitee]

As you guys recommended I have now made new female friend and will join her social club. Should ne interesting!

[Fruitee]

I dont know what to think about that LDR guy. I accidentallt found his ex from social media. Like I said we have common friends and then I just regocnize him from one of the pics. His ex looks kind of similar as I do. Also this week I was thinking about my summer plans and he said he wishes I wouldnt travel but to meet him.

 

I am kind of torn. Because am I putting my travel plans on hold for a guy again. Then again I do like him and want to visit him.

 

Also his ex is puzzling me. Why would she try to ruin his new relationships if they have broken up. Why do we look so similar.

 

He still havent told me why they broke up. Is that a red flag?

 

Also he said this is not a relationship but he is telling me how awesome it is that I go there and calling me honey and sending kisses.

 

I am not feeling jealous or attached or sad or whatever. Like when I saw his ex photos I was totally indifferent. Is that good or bad?

[turnera]

I think you should hold off on doing anything for or with a man. You're not ready, and you have a bad picker at this stage.

[Fruitee]

Yeah I have been now doing only my own stuff. I also decided to visit that LDR guy but also do other stuff during my holiday like travel with my friends. But I do think he might be one of the good guys. Time will tell.

[Fruitee]

I feel great. I decided to continue the medication. Im going to gym and school and chatting with my friends daily and work is going well too. Spring is here! I have new hairdo and I bought some new clothes too.

 

I have like 2 months before I am seeing that LDR guy again so I will spend that time on working myself. I am doing all sorts of stuff to make myself feel good.

 

I havent been in contact with my crazy ex. I dont even feel bad about it. Also Im not taking any **** from anyone. I am me. Doing me. And being just fine!

 

I am over the fact that I need some guy to entertain me all the time. I have learned to fill my time and empty space with other staff than dating and stressing about guys.

 

That LDR guy is really taking the time to get to know me. He tells me I am funny and goofy and sexy and beautiful. Even when I am not wearing any make up. He is not pressuring me or anything. Things are moving slowly. But his long term plan is if everything goes well to be in a relationship with me.

 

So I am studying hard and trying not to be too attached to him. Sometimes he is kind of jerk but not in abusive way etc. But just like guys are..

[bathtub-row]

I'm really glad to hear that you're doing so well. As far as the LDR guy, I would personally pass on that situation. LDR's make it impossible to really get to know one another, and you have no idea what he does with his time when you're not around. That has trouble written all over it.

[Fruitee]

I know. But what he does is really not my business because we are not even dating. We talk and chat daily yes. But thats it. Even if dont become a couple he is my good friend. So is okay. The plan for me is to move out of here anyway. So if all works out well then when we are living in same country we can start the whole official dating business.

[turnera]

That LDR guy is really taking the time to get to know me. He tells me I am funny and goofy and sexy and beautiful. Even when I am not wearing any make up. He is not pressuring me or anything. Things are moving slowly. But his long term plan is if everything goes well to be in a relationship with me.

 

I know. But what he does is really not my business because we are not even dating. We talk and chat daily yes. But thats it. Even if dont become a couple he is my good friend.

I'm really not trying to rain on your parade, but like I said, your picker is off. The first paragraph is a big red flag to me. He is most definitely pursuing you, and all those compliments scare me. So does his 'plan' to be together. Do you see how it's completely opposite from what YOU say?

 

And I'd like to get more into the 'even without makeup' comment. How often do you go without makeup?

[Fruitee]

Well maybe plan is wrong word. But what I mean is that we are in the same page. Like we both have stuff to deal with but we like each other. Isnt it normal for a guy to compliment woman he likes?

 

I know my picker is off and I am not invested on him. And I still have almost year left of my studies. So anything can happen right? Now I dont wanna chat up any guy or go on dates or whatever.

 

About being make up free. We Skype multiple times a week and sometimes right before sleeping. So of course he seems my face without make up on.

Edited April 12, 2016 by Fruitee

[Fruitee]

Why do the compliments scare you?

[Fruitee]

Yeah now that i am thinking there are red flags. I will start to distance myself from him. I still dont feel like dating or anything. I am trying to make new female friends. And I met one really cute guy at school. But I think he has a gf. But at least was nice to talk to people.

[Fruitee]

So the new guy is back. He send me some weird text which I think was meant for another woman. But then he started to chat me up when I said I think you got wrong number. Well I was being polite and all when he asked me if Im single and what I have been up to. But then he asked me to send him body pic. And I said no. After that I got lecture from him how I want to be in relationship but I am not willing to compromise or sacrifice or do anything. Idk why he gave me that lecture. Also idk why he would think like that. Then he said he likes me but not my attitude. Whats up with that anyway. I almost didnt even bother answering him.

[Fruitee]

And so I have a plan. After Masters I wanna get director position or consulting job or something like that. Or manager position in my dream field / company. Then 20 years at least of international experience and PhD. And finally I want to teach in respectable Uni and write a book or two.

[turnera]

But then he asked me to send him body pic. And I said no. After that I got lecture from him

There's a subtle tone to creeps when they talk up girls. Over the years, you'll start to see the patterns. You're a past abuse victim so unless you've done a TON of reading of books about abusive men and mind control and mental conditions, you just aren't ready to spot them. That's why I said your picker is off - you can't step outside the victim mode enough to look at such men and feel that shiver down your spine, not unless they get just outrageous.

 

So now you know. Men trying to get women to date them DO NOT LECTURE THEM. Ever. Not until - if ever - they've been dating for years. Lecturing is something reserved for two people who know everything about each other, inside out, who are comfortable giving each other advice.

 

You're nowhere near that with this guy.

 

Healthy men don't lecture. Mentally unstable men do. They also throw out a dozen compliments to a woman they barely know. Why? Because they're messed up and they don't really KNOW what a good healthy relationship looks like, they just 'spout off' things they've seen men do in movies or heard guys talk about. To unhealthy men, these are all just tricks to manipulate you into choosing them. They don't see you as a human being, but an accomplishment. That's why he had no problem lecturing you when you didn't 'perform' correctly according to his plans.

 

And fwiw, I would steer clear of ANY man asking for a body pic unless we were engaged. That's just scary.

[turnera]

And so I have a plan. After Masters I wanna get director position or consulting job or something like that. Or manager position in my dream field / company. Then 20 years at least of international experience and PhD. And finally I want to teach in respectable Uni and write a book or two.

Sounds a lot like my DD25. She's going into psychological research and wants to teach at a university.

[Fruitee]

Yeah whenever he has been lecturing me it just made me feel uncomfortable. And it has seemed pointless. He has no respect for me or women in general.

 

I have now tried to occupy myself with other stuff than texting with LDR guy. Been reading and planning my thesis etc.

 

It feels good to have some goals and dreams and such. I dont think they are unrealistic. I just need to finish my Masters and get better job. Then I will be set very well in my life. And csn think of other stuff. Like guys.

 

I have noticed I have too big crush on that LDR guy. And I dont know how I would react if he'd "dump" me. But I am working on that now. And I have some social events planned again.

 

I feel like guys are just not interesting for me. I need to get rid of this crush and do other stuff.

[dreamingoftigers]

Yeah whenever he has been lecturing me it just made me feel uncomfortable. And it has seemed pointless. He has no respect for me or women in general.

 

I have now tried to occupy myself with other stuff than texting with LDR guy. Been reading and planning my thesis etc.

 

It feels good to have some goals and dreams and such. I dont think they are unrealistic. I just need to finish my Masters and get better job. Then I will be set very well in my life. And csn think of other stuff. Like guys.

 

I have noticed I have too big crush on that LDR guy. And I dont know how I would react if he'd "dump" me. But I am working on that now. And I have some social events planned again.

 

I feel like guys are just not interesting for me. I need to get rid of this crush and do other stuff.

 

Wow, you seem to be picking up lunatics left and right.

 

That's harsh. I wonder what is pulling them in.