What worked for you? Getting over abuse/gaslighting/cheating/lying etc.

[Fruitee]

Suddenly I have been feeling more happy and content. Like sleeping alone and being single and alone is not a problem to me. It is weird and new sensation and feeling to ne.

 

I have also spend time on reflecting on what that LDR guy said and been more interesting on other people. I feel this has given me more energy and I have been more positive. Because I havent only though about myself.

 

I am still wondering couple of things about that guy. Why he dont wanna talk about his ex. Is that a bad thing. On the other hand he is taking his time to get to know me.

 

Anyway things are going well.

[Fruitee]

So funny thing happened and I ended up travelling to meet this ldr guy again. I was on a work trip and was missing him for some reason and found cheap flights and off I went. Kind of crazy yes. But now that I am here it feels like I never left.

 

I have been more assertive in my communications. I havent been so self centered. When he has been acting weird I have asked him : whats wrong and he has actually opened up to me quite a lot.

 

So in the end I was part of the blame even he acted like a jerk when he started to ignore me. I can see it now. Like the way I was behaving wasnt okey. On the other hand what to expect after my experiences.

 

I do feel better and more content now than before.

 

I dont know what will come out of this. But I feel like there is foundation that we are building slowly.

 

I have tried to distance myself so I wouldnt be too over whealmed if this doesnt work out. But right now everything feels good and natural.

 

I do still have doubts in my mind. Like why would anyone like me and wanna be with me. So thats something I need to continue working on. My self esteem.

 

I havent seen my crazy ex almost in 6 months. And its so good. I am not sure if I am using this ldr guy as rebound. But time will tell.

[Fruitee]

I have also noticed that sometimes I feel like I am not acting as myself. That I feel like I am playing some kind of role. So that is also something I am working on trying to figure out.

[Fruitee]

I have also been trying to brace myself if and when my worst fears about this things comes true and that is his ex moving here with him. I was thinking that maybe he is here before her to built a home and then she comes but I am not sure what my role would be then. If he wanted some replacement until then I guess having local gal would make more sense.

 

I have also been working on this thing I have thinking that I am some how special. So I have been like working on the fact that there is nothing that special about me which would magically change him. Unless he wants to change and decides to be with me.

 

I have also been thinking about what my colleague said to me. That I am spending this energy on him and if later on I notice it didnt work out or wasnt worth it. So I need to figure out how not to regret it later on.

 

In that sense I have concentrated on my own stuff and life. Continued being better person. Working on my issues. Trying to plan my future with or without a man.

 

I can already see so many changes in myself.

[turnera]

So can I! I think you're doing great. Just remember, you have to be happy by yourself, with yourself, and any man is great to have, but he can't be that main source of your happiness.

[Fruitee]

I actually did this personality test. I think it was pretty accurate. According to it I am INFP and for example to be able to live as I want is very important to me. It says:

 

you have a strong sense of your personal values and ideals and you tend to feel ill at ease in situations where you have to compromise these ideals due to external demands.

 

And I think that is one of the reasons why I have felt so uneasy in some of my relationships. If I havent been able to be fully myself and true to myself and follow my instincts and intuition.

 

Like in my previous relationships or in my family i have had to play certain role or people expecting certain type of behaviour from me. Which I havent fit into. And now I can finally be myself and true to myself.

 

I have been thinking that maybe traditional life and relationship is not for me after all.

[turnera]

And I think that is one of the reasons why I have felt so uneasy in some of my relationships. If I havent been able to be fully myself and true to myself and follow my instincts and intuition.

What that sounds like is that, in the middle of such situations, you're finding it hard to stand up for yourself. To speak up. To be willing to walk out of the room if the guy disses you. Instead, you say nothing, you go along, you swallow your feelings...and so you feel you aren't yourself.

 

So make that your goal - always speak your truth, no matter how that affects the outcome. One incident at a time. The more you do it, the more it will become natural for you. And it will weed out the jerks who won't stand for it, leaving only good guys you want you to be yourself because they're healthy, too, and don't need you to stroke their ego.

[turnera]

It's like with my daughter. She never had trouble with guys - she knew she was a catch and if they didn't step up, she stopped dating them. But friends is another issue; she's always been needy about friends. So she tended to pick jerk friends.

 

In the third year of college, at the start, I said this: Don't offer anything to girls you meet; don't offer to give them rides, don't loan them money, if they dis you walk away...the only girls who'll still be talking to you will be nice girls who aren't out to use you. So she did that. And sure enough, she made the best friend of all that year.

 

In other words, respect yourself, and others will respect you, too.

[Fruitee]

I think that first time in my life I am actually expressing myself and speaking my mind. I think it comes from upbringing and the societys though of woman being strong and speaking her mind not acceptable. Like with that one guy I went out with. He basicly told me I should just listen to him and do as he says. And when I opened my mouth he said too much talk.

 

With this LDR guy I have spoken my mind. Maybe been more careful with my words and think ahead but still expressed my mind and thoughts and he still likes me.

 

Actually today when we were talking he said I am one of the most sensible woman he has met. It was kind of strange. But I have always been more on the smart side than sexy side. That other guy told me to wear more girly stuff but this guy likes me as I am. I dont feel like I need to pretend to be more ladylike or something.

 

My friend is worried that if this guy is still with his ex and when this thing ends it will crush me. But this time I am not diving into something blind.

 

I know the risks and I dont feel like I am being duped. And even if I was it wont or dont lower my value. I have now learned and realised that peoples actions and choices have very little to do with me.

 

He told me that he has lot of baggage and he thinks he should seek help from therapist. I appreciate it how he opens up to me. But i am not sure if i want to get into a mess.

 

So i am leaving my options open. I have now gained my trust back that it is possible for me to find a guy who actually is what i want.

 

And i think it would be kind of strange if he was still with his ex since i have e.g. talked to some of his family members. So i still have my theory it is more likely that he is leading his ex on on some level instead of her being crazy. But also i have my own agenda here.

 

So if all goes well i will come back here in 1.5 months and then i dont know. Because i need to finish school and i wont ve having lot of extra time on my hands during autumn.

 

So after autumn it is more like decision on how to proceed. E.g. me moving here.

 

I think he likes me quite a lot. But has hard time to accept it. Like today he asked me if i think he likes me and i said i think you more than like me and he said **** off.

 

Also when i asked him if he feels like it is struggle for him to be nice to me he said he is just being himself.

 

Things feel kind of natural. Like we both basicly have our own roles. E.g. this morning he said how it is kind of nice having someone make him breakfast and he realised he has been happy for the past couple of days.

[Fruitee]

Also I think that being with him has helped me grow bit thicker skin and not to take all comments too personally. Like when he goes with his sarcasm or inappropiate jokes too far I dont get hurt. Usually I joke with him until I tell him thats enough or how lovely he is being again and then he stops. Like today I heard him talking on the phone and he was cursing and the other person said dont curse and he said sorry. So I guess he is rough around the edges and doesnt always know how to behave but he also listens.

 

I have been wondering why I like him. And I guess it is because I find him very smart and I feel like he gets me.

 

Its not like he is complementing me anymore because I told him to stop it or at least scale back but his actions also match his words. Its not just words or too much compliments and empty words.

 

But he does seem to mean what he is saying.

[turnera]

My one piece of advice: You're not in a hurry. You don't need to be 'with' a man for at least another 2 or 3 years. You don't need to be married. You don't need to have kids.

 

If you can get to the point where you're ok being single...THEN you might be good material for a relationship with him.

 

DON'T BE NEEDY.

[Fruitee]

Yeah I know. I am now concentrating on finishing my studies and sorting out my financial stuff e.g. how to pay back my remaining student loans. So I am not in rush and I feel very comfortable and good.

 

I am actually also chatting a bit one of the PhD students. So I kind of try to keep options open.

 

Today that LDR guy said we are dating. But I think we both have ver clear mind on where we stand and so on.

 

Tomorrow it is back to business. Also need to finish my summer body project.

[Fruitee]

I realized it has been over 5 months since I was sitting on my apartments floor and realised my crazy ex had left and I just couldnt stop crying. And now I dont even think about him. There are still strong triggers and I need to deal with my abandonment issue. But slowly Im moving towards right direction.

 

I had coffee with that pdh student but I just had this feeling I dont wanna do this. So still not ready for dating. I have turned down all advances made by men.

 

Also told that ldr guy that I dont wanna do that thing with him because of the red flags.

 

That being said. Work sucks ass. Im having hard time motivating myself with school stuff. But I am mentally in good place. I just feel like medication is making me fat. But decided not to give a **** about it. I rather feel good than be skinny.

 

I also realized I havent been sick this whole spring. So weird.

[preraph]

You've got to block him and not answer the door to him. He's dangerous. You can't keep talking to him and expect him to think you really mean no.

[Fruitee]

^ Who? My crazy ex?

 

He is out of town. Has been almost 6 months. He knows I will callcops if he comes to mine. Also have blocked him and all of his friends.

 

He did send me message from new number tho yesterday asking for money that I am his last resort and he will fall if I dont help him.

 

I only answered to tell him he can fall and I dont give a shyt. And blocked that number too.

[Fruitee]

I actually felt sorry for him. I didnt feel love or missing him. Just sorry. That someone is such a train wreck. And how much "better" person I am. We all have tough times but he will never change. Me.. I at least try to be better anf work very hard. He just calls up women asking for money instead of for example quitting drinking. I hope he will hit rock bottom. Maybe that will teach him.

[Fruitee]

Ugh. This week has been horrible. But I have almost done it. I am so proud of myself. I can motivate myself. Alone. I can do this. Alone. Uh huh.

[turnera]

No woman NEEDS a man.

[Fruitee]

^ Thats what I am learning now. Slowly! But every day it gets easier.

[Fruitee]

So I was thinking about what I wrote earlier that I need to put on some kind of role and I think I know now why. Because some of the guys I have dated are used to women doing all of the work and they just need exist. So they dont really have e.g. anything interesting to say. So I need to do all the talking and put on more social role.

[Fruitee]

Why You're Actually Hating Yourself If You Argue With People Who Treat You Badly

 

Still practising this.. Ended up arguing with someone last week because I didnt wanna have him over and have sex with him.

 

But I will continue my journey and try to walk away instead of explaining myself and arguing.

 

Lately I have been feeling so tired and I just dont have any energy. I just wanna be alone and figure my stuff out.

 

Im being less and less needy for a man.

[Fruitee]

So I have been now practising this walking away. I did lose my nerve yesterday though at class with this one student. So I still need to practise my patience too. But I also found myself in kind of stupid situation. This one sports team guy wants to date me and I found myself attracted to him because he looks almost the same as my crazy ex. So I went out with him and couldnt just stop staring at him. They look so similar. Only some small differences. My crazy ex was like my dream guy externally. This sports dude seems to be full of red flags too. So I am not planning on seeing him again. Because I am not ready in any stage for anything. I feel like I have burned out and just dont have any energy left for anything.

[turnera]

When you go out with a guy for the first time, watch for a few things:

 

How they treat servants, waiters, etc. If they ignore them or treat them like lesser people, run!

 

How they treat your family. If they put them down or criticize, run!

 

How positive they are. If they come up with more than 2 negative comments in an hour, run!

[Fruitee]

The sports guy is super vain and takes longer to get ready than I do. He was wearing fancier stuff than I was. Also he was straight away telling me how much he likes me. He said he wants to start a family and have been dating all kinds of superficial women that just didnt lead to anything. And what he wants is more down to earth type of woman. We have met twice and chatted like 2 weeks and already he is talking about serious stuff. Which is just too weird.

 

The LDR guy was always SUPER polite and charming to everyone. And so gentle towards me. But the way he speaks sometimes so disrespectfully. Reason for me to tell him I dont wanna continue. He is coming here though. So I guess if he asks I will see him again. No effort needed from me for that.

[Fruitee]

But I have been practising now listening and my communication skilss. Worked well at work with my boss. Also didnt lose my nerve with that student but managed to work well with him.

 

I need to still practise this. Listening. Not being too self centered.