What worked for you? Getting over abuse/gaslighting/cheating/lying etc.

[Fruitee]

After my crazy ex asked me for money he hasnt been in contact. I guess me telling him no was clear bondary and he realized he dont have power over me anymore. Also I dont think he is coming back. I know his kids are back here. So I feel sorry for those ladies who did babies with him. And then he left. And left them all here.

 

All of this had made me think that having a baby with someone is too much of a risk.

 

Also I have decided not to talk about my past with guys at all.

[Fruitee]

So after that sports guy showed his interest in me I grew to feel very insecure about myself. Eventually I had good talk with one of my friends and I realized that I should just own up to myself. I need to feel good about myself, being me, in my own body and the way that I am. What other people think of me is besides the point. Even if that guy looks so freaking hot that I feel like melting it don't mean he couldnt like me. And even if he dont like me its his problem not mine. I want to feel good and be good to myself. I cannot do it for others.

 

I also realized that I shouldnt jugde people just because they are dumber than I am (I know I know ). But I should listen and help them and guide them. For example that one guy in class who I lost my nerve at. I decided to take a time to talk to him and explain the assingment and I think it went very well! After that we got our work done and actually teacher was very happy with out work. So small wins right!

 

Yesterday I also set clear boundary to that LDR guy. One guy I told I do not want to date him and when he demanded explanation I said I dont have to explain anything. That new guy also texted me asking for sex and I just said I am seeing someone else now. Later he "accidentally" texted me just to show me that he is texting some other woman. I just deleted that without even reading it.

 

Right now I feel very content. I have said no to guys. I have realized I dont need to settle for bad treatment just not to be alone. I can survive alone, even if I have lot of stress.

 

Also I was thinking I have been too much depressed not taking good care of myself and putting my lights off. Now I think I will start to take care of myself and actually save up money for nice home and clothes and so on. I dont want to live in this ****hole for the rest of my life. I can achieve my dreams alone. I dont need some dude to finance me.

[Fruitee]

It is actually kind of freeing experience to walk away even if you like someone and they like you but youre not getting the treatment you deserve.

[turnera]

fruitee, you have no idea how proud I am of you.

[Fruitee]

^ Thank you. You almost made me cry. Hehe.

[Fruitee]

Some guys are so funny and sad and weird. The same guy who texted me last week or was it week before and I told him no because it was clear he only wants sex. Back then I wasnt able to just stop texting him but ended up arguing with him.

 

So yesterday I said no again. And then the insults came. I just used that sorry if you feel that way when he started to complain. But then he started to call me names. Little devil went into my mind and I send him that pic of Michael Jackson eating popcorn.

 

Eventually he stopped. But at least I didnt let him drag me down. It is weird how now what some losers text me dont touch me at all.

[Fruitee]

After I told that LDR guy that I dont wanna do this thing anymore because of his behaviour he has been initiating more contact. I have been friendly towards him but nothing more. He needed my opinion in some matters and I helped him. No probs. But then he texted me some bs how I have been boring lately. I guess he didnt take the hint? So I told him that my sole purpose is not to entertain him and he is being so disrespectful towards me and I am ill and he should hold his tongue if he has nothing but insults and I need to heal now. He said he is sorry. But idk. I honestly dont wanna see him.

 

The sports guy keeps adding all kinds of ass accounts to his ig. And I still find it odd that he talks about marriage and being together forever. I dont know half of the time if I should laugh or not. So when I was tired I told him too that I cant deal with him. And Im not being insecure. It is matter of respect. I think.

 

So now Im back at not entertaining anyone and healing.

[Fruitee]

I cant believe this change in myself. E.g. instead of trying to figure out why someone is lying to me. I just walk away .

[turnera]

It IS a huge mental shift, to see that you have value and don't NEED a man. Once you get there, all those silly things don't matter, do they?

[Fruitee]

^ Exactly. And it is just waste of time trying to figure out why someone does this or that or if there is future or not and so on. I guess it is true what they say. If you have to force it..

[Fruitee]

I have now cut ties for good with that LDR guy. Previously I did consider meeting with him while he is visiting. But I decided not to. It would just take me backwards.

[turnera]

What are your N.U.T.s? Non-negotiable, unalterable terms.

 

In other words, figure out those things that make your life viable, important, and non-negotiable. What do you absolutely HAVE to have? Like honesty, respect, etc.

 

Your next step in your growth is to figure out what matters to you. What you'll walk away from a guy if he doesn't provide it.

 

Once you have that list, you can refer back to it again and again. Whenever you find yourself wondering if you're doing the right thing, refer to the list - is the current person HARMING those essential needs of yours?

[Fruitee]

^ Thats what I have been doing mentally. I feel like my list is so long. Maybe I will never find a guy who will fit. Right now I dont even care. Im so freaking tired of feeling used and unappriciated.

 

I know I have said this 100 times but now Im going to take a break from everything that has to do with guys.

[turnera]

Smart move.

[Fruitee]

^ And about time

[Fruitee]

Allright well things didnt go exactly as planned. When LDR guy was visiting we eventually did meet. He explained to me why he lied to me and we argued and made up. And then I travelled to meet him. I actually met his family at the same time.

 

I set him two clear boundaries and he did come through. He told me how he has never been pushed and had always had upper hand in relationships and never really had the need to change his ways. He has now changed quite a lot. After he left my place last time my head was spinning so much. Because his words reminded me of my crazy ex. But now during this visit he actually has been so different. More loving. He also said he loves me. Which was kind of surprise to me.

 

I really did detox from him. And we already broke up. But then I came here after all. Its kind of confusing. And my gut feeling has been right about him. He did have some unfinished business with his ex. He is kind of jerk. But it is his walls. Which he has now put down. I have done some serious soul searching. I still dont miss him when Im alone so much that I would feel like dying or whatever. I do care about him but I feel like I can stand my ground and be content.

 

His family was very welcoming to me and they all seemed to like me. He told me how he was surprised by that how well I got along with all of them. Im still very sceptical. Because he still says lot of dumb stuff.

 

I know I should be alone. But most of the time I am anyway. Im not building my future on him. I have got some new dreams and hopes for myself.

[Fruitee]

My crazy ex called me on my bday. He had changed number again. When I told him Im seeing someone else he went down the same road again. Asking me who I am ****ing and so on. His face changed totally when I told him that I just had sex that morning. Couldnt even care less anymore. And reminded him how we broke up. And he kept telling me how he loves me. Once I actually saw pain in his face.

[Fruitee]

Is it Love or Infatuation? How to Tell The Difference

 

I was reading that article. And I actually think that most of my relationships have been on the infatuation side. Especially with my crazy ex. From either one of us side. With LDR guy there hasnt been chance for me to be infatuated with him because we dont live in the same country. Then again with sports guy it is very clear to see that he was infatuated with me. Thats why everything he said felt so wrong and dating him was so awkward all the time

[turnera]

There's a reason people advise that you date someone for at least a year or two before moving in together - so that you have enough time to see them at their worst, see if they are just putting on an act, see if they start treating you like crap or blaming you, see if when the PEA chemicals start fading and the lust fades, you see who you're really dating.

 

I have YET to hear about any guy you've met who sounds like a decent person. Look at you - this guy has a lot of faults and you're already making excuses for it all. That's exactly what you did with your abusive ex. That's how you get INTO bad situations.

 

Find your limits. Choose the things you will not put up with. Write them down. Read them regularly, so that when you catch a guy doing one of those things, you'll be able to say 'no way' and go your own way.

[Fruitee]

^ You are right. I actually though he had changed but now he is ignoring me again and I dont even know why.

 

But I volunteered for this one project and I am hoping it will open doors for me. Its very interesting stuff.

 

I also got raise at work. Which is very good. I am again one step closer being more financially secure.

 

I went on a date this week. The guy seemed so far normal. This other dude on the other hand who I am having date with today seemed good in the beginning but then he started to send me a lot of selfies. And I think he is inflatuated with me just because of my looks.

 

Im not mentally attached to either one. I have learned to take it cool until months have passed.

 

I have my summer holiday soon and me and my friends are going on a road trip. Should be fun!

[Fruitee]

I actually realised couple of weeks ago that I am actually a catch. Im still young. Educated. I have great job. My place. I have travelled a lot. Im good at my job and Im some what succesful.. I have my **** pretty much together. Im healthy and in good shape. I just need to get my head in right place and stop letting guys use me. Which is why I have decided not to have sex with anyone that I start dating before Im sure he is good guy. Only see him once a week. And stop going out with guys to bars and get wasted. I wont invite anyone to my place or go to theirs for at least month. Be always open and honest.

[turnera]

I have decided not to have sex with anyone that I start dating before Im sure he is good guy. Only see him once a week. And stop going out with guys to bars and get wasted. I wont invite anyone to my place or go to theirs for at least month. Be always open and honest.

Halleleujiah!

 

By George, I think she's got it!

[Fruitee]

^ Hahaha. Well last Saturday when I couldnt sleep I was really thinking about myself and my life. And I realised I just cannot continue like this anymore.

 

Both of my dates went pretty well. The selfie guy seems to be too fashinated with me. He is sending me all kinds of photos and I told him if he wants to impress me he should talk sensible things to me instead of these photos.

 

The other guy is not sending me any sexual photos or complimenting me. He just said I look better live than in my photos. We did send some funny snaps to each other. We have similar interests and hobbies. So we havent just chatted but also played online and talked. He is not judgemental or weird. At least so far.. He said he dont want to have sex either and he understands how it feels to have heart broken. He has job and car and his own place. Which is already huge improvement to all of the losers I have been dating lol. He even bought popcorn for our movie. He already suggested another date for us.

 

I think I have been so vary with guys because something has seemed so off all the time. But with this guy nothing is ringing bells in my head. At least not yet. But I guess time will tell.

[turnera]

What's on your list? That list you should be carrying around with the red flags that you'll drop a guy for if he shows any of them?

[Fruitee]

Argh so now I have totally opposite problem. The guy I am seeing is so nice. Picks me up from work. Took me to hospital when I was sick. Everything. Real guy. Good guy. BF material. But I am bored and feel like I cant talk to him because he dont understand. He wants to touch me all the time. Like we were in the movies and he was caressing my hand whole time. If I moved my hand he just continued without realising I dont like to be touched 2 hours straight. Now I am really starting to think there is something wrong with me and I am looking for a guy that doesnt exists.