What worked for you? Getting over abuse/gaslighting/cheating/lying etc.

[Fruitee]

I survived this week! I had important meetings and went back to school and didnt talk to sports guy and I survived. But that LDR guy decided to ask me if he could stay with me while travelling here. I asked him why? And he said because he has been treating me so badly that I deserve quality time with him. I told him that I dont need his charity and I am doing just fine without him.

 

But I did come to the conclusion that I need more friends and I need to start planning my life better e.g. planning in advance what to do during weekends. Making plans and so on. I will try to make one new friend at Uni because the one I made moved away.

[Fruitee]

You guys should be so proud of me!

 

This week I realised that if someone texts me stupid stuff I dont need to read those messages! So this one guy made fun of my studies and when I realised he is an ass I just stopped reading his messages instead of feeling hurt and reacting to his bs.

 

It was such a great revelation to me. Its not enough to walk away. Its better to ignore and walk away. Before I start to wonder and let their words get into my head.

[dreamingoftigers]

sounds like you are navigating really well!

[Fruitee]

Yes! And I even feel like I am nice person and happy. Which is great feeling.

 

My friend said to me I have always been nice it has just been situation I have been in.

 

But its very refreshing to notice these changes in myself and realise I dont need to put up with anyones nonsense.

[asphyxis]

I'm beginning to realize my ex was maybe a narcissist. Since the break up, I have felt very "lost" with in myself. Talking out loud about what has happened, people have said I was gaslighted. I've been really angry lately, like ready to snap at any and every little thing. I hate who I am right now.

 

I've recently found out from some mutual friends that he hasn't been remorseful at all about the break up and even went on to say it was a mutual break up that went well! Not even in the slightest was it mutual. And hes been smearing my name.

 

I'm trying to find the strength to move forward, I'm 2 months post break up but I feel like I've made little to no progress. Looking for some guidance from those who've also gone through something similar.

[Redhead14]

Hello

 

I wrote this other topic too about my "ex" and relationship I was in. It lasted about an year and during this year he abused me mentally and physically, told me millions of lies starting from where he is spending weekend to having secret girlfriend and baby, gaslighted me saying I am just imagining things when I asked about things I have seen like photos of his pregnant gf etc.

 

So now that all of this is over and I have started to heal from this relationship. I would like to hear what worked for others. I let myself be sad. I have started nc. I am exercising. I have been to couple of dates. Made some new friends. Met with friends. Talked about this. But what else I could do. And how to avoid relapse. That is what I am scared of most. That I will end up under his spell again.

 

He is now out of town but will be back. And he has been telling me how he wants to get back together etc. When we were together he always threathned me. Like if I go out with someone else he would kill me etc. He also has very bad drinking problem and sleeps around. Even I am still in love with him. I don't want to see him ever again.

 

So best tips / advice etc. Thanks in advance.

 

Type up a sheet that has these bullet points and put it on your refrigerator:

 

* told me millions of lies

* has secret girlfriend and baby

* he always threathned me

* He also has very bad drinking problem

* sleeps around

 

and last but not least . . .

 

* I DESERVE BETTER

[benpom]

I'm beginning to realize my ex was maybe a narcissist. Since the break up, I have felt very "lost" with in myself. Talking out loud about what has happened, people have said I was gaslighted. I've been really angry lately, like ready to snap at any and every little thing. I hate who I am right now.

 

I've recently found out from some mutual friends that he hasn't been remorseful at all about the break up and even went on to say it was a mutual break up that went well! Not even in the slightest was it mutual. And hes been smearing my name.

 

I'm trying to find the strength to move forward, I'm 2 months post break up but I feel like I've made little to no progress. Looking for some guidance from those who've also gone through something similar.

 

Accept that life is not fair.

Know that he has personality flaws, and his flaws will lead him to trouble in future. He will pay for his mistakes one way or another: either by guilt or by the trouble in his future relationships.

Remind yourself you are the survivor, one who is strong and this alone is worth a lot of respect.

Know that you have learned one way a relationship could fail. You have learned some ways to spot someone who is not trustworthy. This will make your future relationships better.

[turnera]

You're too young to remember this, but 30 years ago, cell phones hadn't been invented. We called each other on land lines and if they didn't answer, we tried again later. No emails. No internet. We'd either try calling again later or actually go by their house and knock on the door. What a concept!

 

Bottom line, NOBODY has an obligation to answer the phone or answer the door.

[Fruitee]

^ I know! Now a days it just seems like you need to be reachable 24/7 and if youre not people dissapear from your life. But good thing is I have now realised that it is better for some people to dissapear from my life and I dont need to listen to some bs. I can just delete and block.

[turnera]

I'm beginning to realize my ex was maybe a narcissist. Since the break up, I have felt very "lost" with in myself. Talking out loud about what has happened, people have said I was gaslighted. I've been really angry lately, like ready to snap at any and every little thing. I hate who I am right now.

 

I've recently found out from some mutual friends that he hasn't been remorseful at all about the break up and even went on to say it was a mutual break up that went well! Not even in the slightest was it mutual. And hes been smearing my name.

 

I'm trying to find the strength to move forward, I'm 2 months post break up but I feel like I've made little to no progress. Looking for some guidance from those who've also gone through something similar.

The first thing you need to do is understand that it wasn't about you. It was never about you. He would have done the same thing to ANY woman because that's who he is. And I hope you made sure to tell those mutual friends what an ass he was.

[Formerfiveo]

I want to thank you, Fruitee, for starting this thread and for being so open and honest and vulnerable. Your self awareness and personal growth is astounding!!! And thank you also to turnera and dreamingoftigers for responding regularly and offering up such great advice.

 

I have learned so much by reading this thread - all 33 pages!

[Fruitee]

^ Seriously you read all of this? You deserve an award.

[Formerfiveo]

^ Seriously you read all of this? You deserve an award.

 

Nahh...It was extremely informative and helpful. Much different circumstances but the emotional abuse and learning to set boundaries are the same.

[Fruitee]

^ Happy to hear that this was helpful for others too. Even though no one should be put into similar situation.

 

Someone wrote here about making progress. I think it took me almost year to process all of this. And now Im finally starting to feel like "myself".

 

I notice red flags already so soon. And I feel content and I dont need a man. And I dont feel desperate.

 

I could have gone to 3 dates during last couple of days but opted being alone. I feel good.

 

School stuff is going great and I got kind of promotion at work again. But Im still applying for new jobs.

 

Im more interested on my own well being and financial stuff than some dude.

 

Today when I was getting dressed for work I was wondering which shoes to wear since that sports guy said I dress like a dude. And then I came to the conclusion **** him and wore my favourite sneakers.

[Fruitee]

It is amazing how much better I feel now and how much better I am doing now since I have left all toxic people behind. I had huge idea for work which is something I have been cooking in my head for a while. It is great example on how my studies have worked miracles. Things like these are career changers. I have gotten so much self esteem that I am surprised. But I am also very realistic. I feel hopeful. I feel like whatever life throws at me I will survive. But I also know I need to take extra good care of myself. To make sure I wont end up as I was one year ago. One of the most helpful thoughts have been that I just need to survive one day. Nothing more. Just one day. Day by day. Then eventually it is week. Then it is month. Now it is year.

[Fruitee]

So ldr guy is visiting but we are not keeping in touch or seeing each other. I know he is here now but thats it. I have been feeling very bad though and Im not sleeping well. But work and school is going well. Last night I also managed to sleep. I was feeling so low and angry and it has been month now since I saw that sports guy. So now I have agreed to go out on a date. I have been alone and doing my own stuff. I havent been going out or anything. But yeah. I dont have any expectations for my dates but i guess it is better that way. Just to have fun.

[dreamingoftigers]

I want to thank you, Fruitee, for starting this thread and for being so open and honest and vulnerable. Your self awareness and personal growth is astounding!!! And thank you also to turnera and dreamingoftigers for responding regularly and offering up such great advice.

 

I have learned so much by reading this thread - all 33 pages!

 

Thanks, I dropped off for a bit there. Had a baby at the end of April.

[dreamingoftigers]

It is amazing how much better I feel now and how much better I am doing now since I have left all toxic people behind. I had huge idea for work which is something I have been cooking in my head for a while. It is great example on how my studies have worked miracles. Things like these are career changers. I have gotten so much self esteem that I am surprised. But I am also very realistic. I feel hopeful. I feel like whatever life throws at me I will survive. But I also know I need to take extra good care of myself. To make sure I wont end up as I was one year ago. One of the most helpful thoughts have been that I just need to survive one day. Nothing more. Just one day. Day by day. Then eventually it is week. Then it is month. Now it is year.

 

Yep. Great habits start small.

 

Brushing your teeth is a small thing, but if you can't commit to day to day, then problems arise.

 

Lots of people never learned proper "self-esteem hygiene." (Myself included, honestly.)

[dreamingoftigers]

My crazy ex called me on my bday. He had changed number again. When I told him Im seeing someone else he went down the same road again. Asking me who I am ****ing and so on. His face changed totally when I told him that I just had sex that morning. Couldnt even care less anymore. And reminded him how we broke up. And he kept telling me how he loves me. Once I actually saw pain in his face.

 

Gross....

 

So he really just popped around to get reassurance from any female he figured he could try.

 

It's a random-reward system for him if he's left it this long

 

Good for you for telling him to take a hike.

He has no business asking who you are sleeping with, ever.

[dreamingoftigers]

Now I am so freaking irritated that I need to vent.

 

So I got this text from some random woman who wanted to contact me because she had found out that LDR guy was seeing us both at the same time. She wouldnt admit how she found out about me. But I am 100 % sure she read the letters I had written to him and I dont know how but then she found my LinkedIn and my work number and contacted me.

 

I dont know why she waited like 3 weeks before contacting me because now that guy and I had already broke up also we had this low key agreement that I wouldnt ask questions and he would be safe.

 

Now all of his actions make sense to me. Him ignoring me and lying and so on. He was very honest to me and we spoke like 2 hours about everything. Why he dumped that woman and so on.

 

I guess I can find comfort in the fact that this time I wasnt the other woman and I didnt go crazy and stalked some other lady. They broke up and straight away she contacted me.

 

I am not very proud of this but I really let it out on her how she violeted my privacy and broke the law. And she had no clue what was going on between him and I. She said she didnt know about our agreement or that we had broken up and I said it is clear why she contacted me and it is very selfish of her. And if she needs to go this far she should have know the game is lost.

 

Also if they met like 3 times and he lives in another country how can she expect them to be in relationship. She said I dont know what they had discussed etc.

 

The guy said Im not stupid and when I suspected him I was always right.

 

When that woman send me that text I was with that sports guy and he freaked out that someone was contacting me about him. Which I guess is kind of clear message to me.

 

I feel this strange change in me. I dont even know if I am mad at that guy. He did violete our agreement by having unprotected sex with her. But he nothing else wrong in a way since he had right to be with others. And maybe I wouldnt have been even that mad at her or just ignored her message but she read the letters.

 

When I found out my crazy ex had that woman pregnant for him I never violeted her privacy and I wanted to tell her because she had a baby and he was putting them in danger. Later on I regretted that decision so much! But this woman had no reason or right to contact me.

 

I feel sorry for her to be blind and trusting and seeking revenge after he dumped her.

 

I dont even know if I am mad at myself.

 

I just dont understand how I could be in this same situation only like 1 year after. Oh the irony! And all the advice I didnt listen to. Even this time I didnt dive into something naive and eyes blind.

 

But the change. I just feel like i dont give a **** anymore. People do what they wanna do. And thats it. It has nothing to do with me. There is no need to stalk or suspect or whatever. Truth always comes out.

 

I just need to keep on doing my own thing. Be true to myself and respect myself and be nice and polite and so on. Others can do the **** they want. Eventually someone good will come along. And me being paranoid changes nothing. So why even stress about it.

 

Anyway. Good thing: im not crazy and i did figure it out what he was doing. Bad thing: im still doing same mistakes.

 

I personally think when a woman calls you to tell you the truth about a man, it's a good thing. Not a bad thing.

 

The guy is usually the bad thing. That fits in this case.

[turnera]

You're feeling anxious and angry because ldr is something you KNOW and you could be dipping back into that pool where you'd mentally be able to fade back into your old lifestyle. But now you ALSO know that doing that is BAD for you, so you're trying to already be at the point where you don't feel that pull. Changing your brain takes a long time. You've come a VERY long way in the short time you've come here, so don't be discouraged. Actually be proud of yourself that you DIDN'T just run back to him for the familiar comfort. I am.

[Fruitee]

Guys there is possibility that I might have found someone who is a good guy. I had my two dates during this weekend. First guy shows up in tshirt and some weirdo sports pants. :S Is nice and cute. We talk and hang and have couple of drinks. He has his own company etc. But he has been single only 3 months and is going to therapy and he wants to have sex. So no go.

 

Second guy shows up in collar shirt and jeans. Is nervous for sure. We go to a movie and then to salsa club. He buys me drink. I offer to pay for next one but he declines. In movies we bought our own stuff but he did offer me his candies. Has been single 2 years. Own company. Has travelled the world. Didnt make any moves. We just danced for hours. Then end of evening he asked me when we meet again and kissed me after asking for permission. Didnt suggest anything but second date for next week.

[turnera]

Door Number 2!

 

Sounds like a keeper, but DO keep it slow!

[Fruitee]

Yes I am keeping it super slow. But so far he doesnt seems like a weirdo or perv. He did ask me to movies already yesterday. But I had school stuff to do. Saturday He suggested Thursday for another date.

 

He hasnt send me any weird sexual messages. He likes forrest gump and has very active life. Also said he would teach me salsa so we can attend classes together. But it didnt feel like he is rushing it. More like what friends would suggest.

 

I still need to find out if we have similar values etc.

[Fruitee]

I kind of realised something important today. The ex of a man Im considering dating is also valuable factor. E.g. with that LDR guy his ex clearly had problems and had made some poor decisions in her life. So I guess that also says something about the men in her life. Ofc you cannot jugde someone solely by their ex but it does give some input.