What worked for you? Getting over abuse/gaslighting/cheating/lying etc.

[Fruitee]

Bf and I are taking a break. I am sceptical though for us getting back together. I want a relationship and future. I dont think he is ready for things like that. No matter how slowly we were taking it. And its taking its toll on me and him. He has some things he need to figure out. And I need to rest and do my own things. It hurts. And he cares about me. I think he has been thinking about us and our future more than I have. E.g. moving in in the future etc. I dont know what to think. He is so sweet and lovely and beautiful and perfect. But his relationship anxiety and family issues are not easily fixed.

 

Right now I dont want to talk to anyone or see anyone.

 

I told him not to contact me unless he has seeked help and wants to get back together. Im so tired of being friends with everyone and listening to people complain.

 

Even at work. First I am asked to do something. Then when I deliver they just complain. Its so tiring. I am doing my job well.

 

Everyone tells me im so hard working, well read, smart, intellectual, beautiful, wonderful woman. I wish people would just let me be. I dont feel like that. I just want to be me. Myself. Do things I enjoy and that makes me happy.

 

Not listen to some crap all day long.

[turnera]

Did I tell you about DD26? How she was always getting Users for friends? Always expecting her to do stuff for them, but never being there for her?

 

I told her to, in her next semester, not offer to do ANYTHING for ANYONE. Just offer to talk, nothing more. Those who just wanted her to be their support would wander away and look for other Giver friends; anyone who stayed around would be a better friend. And that's how she found the best friends she got in college. By restricting herself from doing the Giver things that attract Users.

[Fruitee]

^ Yes I remember that. I noticed that when I stopped helping my friends with their problems they stopped talking to me. So it makes sense.

 

When I need someone to talk to they dont listen or talk about their own stuff.

 

Thing with bf is little bit different though. He is the one doing things for me. Cooking and cleaning and so on. Like if he comes to me and sees I have dirty coffee mug he washes it. He bought me flowers and easter eggs. But at the same time something is kind of holding him back. He already called how he misses me and so on. I told him that he needs to seek help for his anxiety attacks. That I cant help him or deal with it. He said he knows its hard and he wants to be better and has already looked for therapy groups.

 

I dont think he is bad guy. Even I am scared. But I manage ro control it. Usually.

 

I know I need new friends. But its not that easy though! I need to figure out how and from where to get some.

[turnera]

Ok, so what you describe - him doing so much for you - is ALSO dysfunctional. You found a Giver, one who gets his self-worth through being the knight in shining armour, he gets off on you being pleased by all that he does for you.

 

Thing is, that is not sustainable.

 

There's a great book called No More Mr Nice Guy, which I urge many men to read. It's all about being that KISA, doing things. Thing is, when he DOES something, he is expecting some sort of return for it. Like, I'll buy her flowers; she'll give me crazy sex if I do it. He doesn't buy the flowers because he truly wants YOU to be happy; he buys them because he wants a RESPONSE from you for the action. That's not giving; that's selfish.

 

And eventually, he'll get burned out that you are not RECIPROCATING, and will make it all your fault.

 

There's another awesome book that's more general to men AND women, it's about how and why we pick the people we pick as partners. Again, it's because we EXPECT something from them. But they're usually doing the same thing with US. And after the newness has worn off, and we each start to realize the other isn't going to be our hero and fix all our problems, we start to become disillusioned, blame them, get angry at or fed up with them...and then break up. The book is called Getting The Love You Want. I highly recommend it.

[turnera]

As for friends, just look for organizations for things that you like to do - book reading, tennis, painting, photography, writing, politics, religion...whatever. Spend your spare time doing things you love...and you'll meet men AND women who share the same joys as you.

[Fruitee]

Im not sure if bf is giver. I dont get a feeling he is expecting something back. I might be wrong though. I decided to take some space from him and I have been doing my own stuff. Soon I am travelling too. So we will have natural break too. I think his biggest charm has worn off because of his anxiety issues. He seems to be now some how serious. He has been talking about e.g. travelling together. He told me he talked to his friend about his anxiety attacks but imho he should go to therapy and I told him that. When he is actually seeking help I will take him seriously again. Now its just words. I feel good though. I kept my boundaries and showed self respect.

[blockrockinbeat74]

Admittedly I haven't read the whole thread so will only answer the OP -

 

what worked for me was

1. empowering myself by leaving.

2. finally trusting my feelings and waking up from the permanent state of gaslighting I was put in.

3. talking it out with anyone who would listen. My friends were completely aghast at the stuff I was telling them, which helped keep my sanity.

4. stopping to care about what he's thinking, what's he's feeling, what he'll do next, whether he cares (spoiler: he doesn't).

5. stopping to feel guilty for inviting him into my life - he invited himself through the back door via manipulation and lies.

6. paying particular attention to any new man's reaction to stuff: if I'm triggered for any reason, I'm done.

7. if a guy shows consistent signs of emotional instability (irritability, moods swings, anxiety, lack of empathy, not owning up to his issues, 'loner' type or any signs that word and action do not match), I'm gone no matter his circumstances or explanations, no matter whether I'm attracted to him or not, not matter whether we 'click' or not.

 

I would advise anyone to not play Russian roulette with their emotional and mental well being.

[Fruitee]

^ Well said.

[Fruitee]

I feel weird. Lately bf and I havent been seeing each other that much. He has been more attentive and sex has been amazing. But I find myself of dreaming about travelling alone and doing other things than being with him. I feel like Im not interested on dating and men in general. I just want to feel good.

[SixxChick]

Admittedly I haven't read the whole thread so will only answer the OP -

 

what worked for me was

1. empowering myself by leaving.

2. finally trusting my feelings and waking up from the permanent state of gaslighting I was put in.

3. talking it out with anyone who would listen. My friends were completely aghast at the stuff I was telling them, which helped keep my sanity.

4. stopping to care about what he's thinking, what's he's feeling, what he'll do next, whether he cares (spoiler: he doesn't).

5. stopping to feel guilty for inviting him into my life - he invited himself through the back door via manipulation and lies.

6. paying particular attention to any new man's reaction to stuff: if I'm triggered for any reason, I'm done.

7. if a guy shows consistent signs of emotional instability (irritability, moods swings, anxiety, lack of empathy, not owning up to his issues, 'loner' type or any signs that word and action do not match), I'm gone no matter his circumstances or explanations, no matter whether I'm attracted to him or not, not matter whether we 'click' or not.

 

I would advise anyone to not play Russian roulette with their emotional and mental well being.

 

This is actually quite brilliant and should serve as a manual to those (like me) who do not wish to have their heart dragged around.

[turnera]

I feel weird. Lately bf and I havent been seeing each other that much. He has been more attentive and sex has been amazing. But I find myself of dreaming about travelling alone and doing other things than being with him. I feel like Im not interested on dating and men in general. I just want to feel good.

There's no reason you can't have both. My favorite book series is the Spenser novels (Robert B. Parker). Spenser and his girlfriend have been together for more than 20 years. But they aren't married. They don't even live together. They tried that and it didn't work; it was stifling for both of them. They spend the night at each other's house, except when they don't feel like it, and sleep alone. They talk every day, except when they don't. And they're madly in love with each other, BECAUSE they aren't confined to a traditional relationship.

 

If you want to travel, travel! Just because you have a boyfriend, that doesn't mean you can't have a life of your own. It's not all or none. That's not necessarily healthy.

[Fruitee]

This whole being a good person is whole lot of work.

 

I have now managed to save twice my rent money and I am paying off my debt too. It feels good to have some back up money and eventually it wasnt that hard to save up.

 

I also said strictly to bf that I dont now want to travel because then my saving would go to **** again.

 

Im doing this money detoxing now. And Im avoiding all extra costs. Its very difficult to change. But I already notice huge shift in my thought.

 

I always travelled and bought stuff because of status and because thats what youre supposed to do. Noy even because I wanted to. It was just a habit.

 

Now Im thinking I am investing in my future. I used to think Im such a loser If Im not able to travel. Now Im focusing on my future and not my status.

[Fruitee]

I have now cut off even more people out of my life. I noticed that some people have hard time accepting that I might know myself, whats good for me, what I need and Im able to make decisions and stick by them. Even when I said I dont want to be friends anymore they were questioning my decision, asking what happened and saying stuff like we talk later. I dont wanna talk nor explain myself or my decisions. If someone is not adding value or peace of mind to my life. Or supporting me and my decisions its pointless to stay in contact. I dont need people who provocate me and then say Im triggered because they are right instead of understanding I dont appreciate that type of behaviour.

[Fruitee]

So suddenly lot of things are making sense.

 

I met some bf's friends and his ex gf as well. I have been wondering why his ex is such a topic in his group of friends and why they still keep in touch. But now that I met her... I could smell her manipulative behaviour straight away.

 

I also talk to one of his friends and he said that ex has been using and manipulating lot of people. And he dont like her and he dont want his gf to be around her etc. That ex tried to break this couple etc.

 

What I have been previously wondering is how bf who is so sweet and genuine turn into anxious person with commitment issues over night. And now I know that it is because of this ex of his. Her actions and words have been poisoning his mind.

 

I know this sounds extreme and its not cos Im jealous of her or what not.

 

I dont think she is able to come between us.

 

But she is also someone I dont want as my friend. And I think bfs friend also managed to talk to bf and explain how she has been messing with his head.

 

I hadnt even said hi to her when she was already talking bs to me..

 

Now that we spent little time apart at the end of April and bf had been spending time with his smarter friends I feel like he is doing better and our relationship is progressing naturally.

 

He is also starting to see her manipulation and not to let it get to his mind.

 

I guess we all have that one crazy ex or someone in our group who is not good for us.

[sarahssarah]

And to refine that a little further, know your 'bill of rights.' Know them very well. "I will not accept being lied to." "I will not accept being criticized undeservingly." Things like that. And this applies to everyone. And whenever someone crosses one of those items, you just calmly say 'You know, I have a list of things I no longer want to accept, and what you just did is one of them. So I'm going to take a break. We'll talk later." And then you just excuse yourself and go do something else, or break up with them, or leave.

 

My IC had me write out my list and keep it in my wallet so I would see it often and memorize them. So that I could recognize when it was being done to me.

 

I've been trying to find the right words to say to a

Manipulator /liar when or if they return with lies or abusive words..

you hit the nail right on the head for me. I've been trying to think of this for DAYS so I would feel prepared and strong.

Since I have kids from my ex No contact is impossible..

[Fruitee]

Lately I have been thinking that maybe it is not bf having relationship anxiety. Maybe it is me.

[turnera]

Well, I did tell you I thought you needed to learn to be alone before you'd be good girlfriend material. And you didn't.

[Fruitee]

So bf dumped me. Im not even sad. I mean I guess I havent really realised it in a way. At the same time I am relieved. His anxiety was getting best of him. There was really nothing I could have done. He told me he had become codependent of me. Im not sure if that really is the case. He also told me that he dont understand me. But in my opinion he has started to drink too much and dont understand how that affected our relationship. Well this year has gone by so fast. Dont know if I actually achieved anything special this year. But at least I will graduate soon. I guess its for better that we broke up. But only time will tell what will happen now.

[turnera]

Have you ever just sat down and written out a list of what you'd like in a partner? Five or six things? Write it out, and keep it in your wallet. Read it every few days so it starts to become your norm. Also write out a list of things you will no longer accept and do the same.

 

What that will do is help you recognize the red flags before you get too deep into a bad relationship. Like my DD27 had a 2-strike rule: you can mess up once and I'll go ahead and go out with you again. But if you dis me a second time, you don't get a third date. Saved her a lot of heartache.

[Fruitee]

^ Yeah we had been dating over 6 months before something happened in his drinking got out of hand it is understandable from his side. And I told him he should get help and I cannot be with someone who drinks too much. Now he is getting better, just without me. I have cried little bit but Im doing better than I expected. I should graduate in couple of months. Im hoping after that I will get a new job. But lately I have been wondering what to do with my life. Whats my purpose. What is it that I want to achieve now.

[Fruitee]

Bf wanted to meet me so we could have talked. When I looked at him I felt nothing. Funny how my body and mind resisted him already after such a short time period. I cried my cries and now Im just happy to be back at home and relax and concentrate on my own stuff. I feel hopeful.

[Fruitee]

Lately I have also been thinking about my future and my plan and all of the things I want to do. I have decided to apply for one job and I am hoping I could get it. Im scared of taking more responsibilities but I need to stop being afraid and stick to my plan. I need more experience. I need to finish my Masters. I need to pay off my student loan. Then I will apply for PhD. I also still wish to do management consulting and teach and write books. All of this men drama is hindering my process and taking me off track. So I will now continue my hard work and hopefully in next 5 years I will get the experience and job I need and I have paid off my loan and can continue on my plans next phase. I just need to concentrate and work hard and be discipline.

[turnera]

Sounds like a great plan. How's it going?

[Fruitee]

I talked to the hiring manager and came to conclusion that job wasnt for me. But Im applying for other places. Also I will graduate next month and in January I will apply for PhD.

 

I had a meeting with this one consultant and he told me 1. I try too much 2. Im too tense 3. My CV and my appearance (like who I am) doesnt match. So I need to scale my CV to my personality and relax. I need to stop trying so much. I give desperate vibe. So I decided to stop trying but Im doing. Maybe that is the magic recipe.

[turnera]

My advice: Apply for that PhD and then take a month off and go driving all over the country. Stop in towns you don't know, make small talk with strangers, go on hikes, take some chances...realize that life is more than career or money. Life is all about ENJOYING it.