What worked for you? Getting over abuse/gaslighting/cheating/lying etc.

[turnera]

I just realised something. I read from this forum other threads. And I have always been thinking from my previous relationship that he was so busy. He was work addict. Never: my needs were not met. I wasnt happy. And that is the reason and problem. I am not reflecting what went wrong from my side but from his. I wasnt happy with my ex. So I gained weight. I bought unneccasary stuff. I cheated and ended the relationship and then went to other extreme.

 

Now I have lost my extra weight. Stopped buying stuff. I am going to gym. Taking care of myself. And so on.

 

Yes he was busy. But the problem was I wasnt happy. And I shouldnt compromise my happiness because someone else is too busy.

 

My self-esteem went down the toilet during those years I was with him. And then I punished myself with my crazy ex.

Do you notice what ELSE this says?

 

It says he didn't VALUE you - or else he WOULD have found time for you.

 

And why didn't he value you?

 

Because you didn't EXPECT him to. When he put work ahead of you, you didn't do anything. You accepted the poor treatment. You TAUGHT him how (poorly) to treat you, so he just followed your lead.

 

If you had been healthy at that time, if you had valued yourself, you never would have put up with it. You would have squawked, or you would have left him. And THEN he would have respected you.

 

I think I told you about my DD25's rule about that, right? A guy in high school asked her out, and when the time came for the date, he didn't show up. Turns out he'd taken a nap, and didn't bother to set an alarm. So he asks her out again, she says ok, it was a mistake. Guess what? He does it again! So he apologizes, and asks her out again. She says no. You obviously don't value time with me enough to make me a priority, so I have better things to do with my time. They never went out again. They stayed friends, though. That was her valuing herself and knowing she deserved better, could GET better, than that. She saved herself a lot of heartache; she wasn't THAT desperate to have a boyfriend that she'd put up with being disrespected. Make sense?

[turnera]

I met him during my Xmas holiday. On our 1st date HE put MY hand on HIS penis!!

 

I said: I dont care what you want. () Then he said: I think you have problems. I said: Sorry if you feel that way. The best. I dont understand this guy.

Are you aware enough yet about abuse to recognize that these are abusive steps? These are the small steps that abusive men take to 'test' you - to see what you'll put up with. In fact, when you turn them down, it makes it all the more fun for them. You see, getting you to succumb is part of the fun for abusers. It's how they gain validation: wearing you down til you accept the poor treatment.

 

Strong, healthy women will shut them down, stop taking their calls, call them pigs even, and the guys will take note and move on to weaker women. It's VERY obvious he just sees you as a vessel to put his penis in; and that's exactly what he was expecting (my place, your place = sex). So good job on shutting him down.

 

I'm really proud of you!

[Fruitee]

Do you notice what ELSE this says?

 

It says he didn't VALUE you - or else he WOULD have found time for you.

 

And why didn't he value you?

 

Because you didn't EXPECT him to. When he put work ahead of you, you didn't do anything. You accepted the poor treatment. You TAUGHT him how (poorly) to treat you, so he just followed your lead.

 

If you had been healthy at that time, if you had valued yourself, you never would have put up with it. You would have squawked, or you would have left him. And THEN he would have respected you.

 

--

 

The funny thing is I thought that we had a good relationship. I was with him for so many years. We were friends first. But I don't know what happened or how we ended up like that.

 

We used to go out for dinners and we travelled a lot. But his job just started to take more and more if his time. Eventually when I asked him to come to bed he said he just finishes "one more thing" and then he comes.

 

I guess I eventually just gave up. And living in a relationship like that just took its toll on me. I felt like I was spending the best years of my life living with a man who didn't event touch me.

 

So when I met my crazy ex it was so amazing to finally have sex. To enjoy life. To go out. To have fun. To joke. He was my perfect match. Until all went to ****. And I ended up wanting to kill myself because I was hurting so much. I would just cry in his arms because nothing made any sense to me. He told me how much he loves. He cried to me. He did everything. And then it was all just bull**** and lies and betrayal.

 

I get so ****ing sad just thinking about it. I deserve something better. But at the same time I feel like there is nothing out there for me. That is one of the reasons why I want to move out of here after school.

 

Are you aware enough yet about abuse to recognize that these are abusive steps? These are the small steps that abusive men take to 'test' you - to see what you'll put up with. In fact, when you turn them down, it makes it all the more fun for them. You see, getting you to succumb is part of the fun for abusers. It's how they gain validation: wearing you down til you accept the poor treatment.

 

--

 

I'm really proud of you!

 

It was really strange. Because no one ever did something like that to me. I never had a 1 night stand. All guys I always been going to dates with and later had sex. Even my crazy ex didn't try to bed me. I wanted to have sex with him because I had been living without sex for so many years. And at first I just wanted someone to be casual with. I even told him that. But no. He wanted me to be his girlfriend. And after that it all really started. Lies and cheating and gas-lighting etc. So he could keep me. I still have this strange feeling inside that he loved me.

 

Anyway this penis-guy even said I didn't give him a chance and I told him that I did gave you a chance allright but you screw it up. Then he asked me why. That just reminded me so much of my crazy ex. Me pouring my heart and feelings out and then he saying what you mean. But that penis-guy I never wanna see again. And yes I am also very proud of myself.

Edited February 16, 2016 by Fruitee

[Fruitee]

I decided to stop worrying wether he is in town or coming or not. I will be living my life as I have been. Then he shows up I will think about it then..

[turnera]

Anyway this penis-guy even said I didn't give him a chance and I told him that I did gave you a chance allright but you screw it up. Then he asked me why.

Food for thought, and to help you become more vocal, the next time you run across a guy like that, a good response would have been something like "The first time I met you, you put my hand on your penis. I'm a respectable lady and respectable ladies don't like being treated like a hooker. Remember that the next time you meet a woman."

[Fruitee]

Food for thought, and to help you become more vocal, the next time you run across a guy like that, a good response would have been something like "The first time I met you, you put my hand on your penis. I'm a respectable lady and respectable ladies don't like being treated like a hooker. Remember that the next time you meet a woman."

 

I told him something like that after our first date and again when he asked me out. But now I didnt feel like repeating myself anymore. I was polite and short with him.

 

Right now I am having horrible urge to text my ex.

[Fruitee]

I had a very good therapy today. Lot of food for thought and lots of hope for my future.

[Fruitee]

Allrity. So today in the therapy we first talked about my last relationship and the lack of sex. She asked me if I would have stayed with him if we had sex. And if I still have feelings for my ex and if I am sure I want to break up. I felt little bit like she was pushing me to go back to him. I kind of understand her point and I guess I should talk about it even it makes me uncomfortable. I don't know if I would have stayed. I guess I would have stayed at least little bit longer. But I don't see the situation getting better with him so now it is better for me to be without him. Then she said that I am very brave for leaving and sex is good enough reason to break up / leave and its not something I should be living without especially since I didn't sign up for it. Sexless relationship I mean. Some people don't care that much about it, for other people it is more important. And it is not ok for the other one to live hungry while the other one is okay.

 

Then we talked little bit about my crazy ex. She said again that he probably is trying to fill some kind of void with his multiple relationships that he is not able to fill in any other way. That its not for example love but something that us "normal people" can't quite understand. For example the way he lies. He probably don't even realize when he is lying. That he is so into the situation where he in that moment is that he actually thinks that what he is saying is true. That he kind of forgets or something the reality but just deep dives into the moment and what he is saying might be something he in that situation thinks and feels but its not "real". But at the same time he is ruthless liar and manipulator. And will never change. At least she thinks that his behaviour is something that he is not able to change. And it is ok to be in a relationship with a person like him if the other half understands what they are getting into.

 

Then we talked about my other dates and she just said e.g. about the new guy that these people just don't have manners and that they are well ignorant guys. She didn't say that they would be for example abusive but just jerks and / or idiots.

 

Then she said that finding a good partner is like finding a job. That you need to apply a lot, do a lot of work, go out with many guys and then decide what I like and so on. That people so often think that everything should just lock into right places, be like magical and easy. But its not like that.

 

I need to think about the guy like a workplace. What kind of qualities he has, what he has to offer, what kind of perks etc. Not just some romantic idea of meeting the guy of my dreams and everything is like faith and in the movies and written in the stars. That guys are not always at first so funny and exciting and all that. But it might actually take time for the person to come out of their shell and start to shine.

 

And then she said I should go out a lot. With many different types of people. To see what I actually want and like and to get to know new people. For example at the gym I could just go and talk to that guy who talked to me. The worst thing that could happen is he says he has a girlfriend and so what. At least he has a reason to say no and what I can argue with it.

 

That many people think that man should be the one making all the moves and many man find that role extremely rough and it is just relaxing for them when woman makes the moves. That it was just random that I talked to that guy when I needed help but him actually coming to talk to me again was his concious decision. And it is enough for me just to say hi and whats up if I see him.

 

I shouldn't fear rejection. That I am young and I have now this opportunity to go out and meet people and she didn't say it but I kind of got the feeling she also meant I should "sleep around" because I am young and I can. So I should just go out there and live my life. Because after 10 years it will be much harder for me to find guys. So now is the time.

 

She also said I shouldn't be worrying about ending up with same kind of guy, that guys like my crazy ex are rare and I just had bad luck. How could I have known about it. I am not stupid or naive or anything. Because when someone is so charming and lying his ears off. I am the victim here. Not someone stupid and there was no way for me to know it would end up like this.

 

Then she said that dating someone is the key. That I shouldn't jump into relationship or even think about moving in with someone etc. But just date and see what happens. And then after time think about the future. That I should just take it easy and go with flow.

 

She also said I shouln't think about getting back with my crazy ex. Because what I am looking for is not that special or weird. That I can easily find my dream guy with some work.

 

We also talked that I shouldn't stress about what other people have. Especially if they have nice stuff and homes etc. That its just facade. And who knows what is going on behind closed doors. That I am young and I can get all of those nice things like stuff and apartment and trips etc.

 

I feel very good now.

[turnera]

Good stuff! Pretty much what we've been saying too.

 

Don't forget to make your list of what you won't accept, read it at least once a week so you're aware of bad signs so you can walk away. Don't give more than 2 chances, 3 tops. Don't go 'serious' with anyone before at least 3 months, if not 6. You need that much time to see him in good times and bad times.

 

Oh, and watch carefully to see how guys treat server people - waitresses, clerks, etc. That says a lot about people.

 

Also watch carefully how they treat the women in their family - that's how YOU will be treated. Unless, of course, he's a momma's boy and will always put her ahead of you.

 

Basically, just go out and have fun!

[Fruitee]

^ Good points. But yeah I think I am ready now to start living again.

[Fruitee]

It is very weird how I am so calm and everything. I asked my gf if I should see my crazy ex and she said why would I see him because he wouldn't have anything new to say. Just accussing me of sleeping around and or crying over me.

 

I asked his friend when he is coming back and he said he is still at least 1 month more away. Then I just had this feeling oh okay well then there is not even any point for me to think about him. Because he is not coming back anytime soon so why would I keep in touch with my crazy ex. There is no reason also because he don't have anything new to say or anything to offer me.

 

It was just like me accepting the reality instead of being very sad and depressed.

 

My crazy ex has now 2 times lie to me when he is coming back. Both times I have been having mixed emotions.

 

But now I know I still have a lot of time. So is okay. Every day I feel better. Also now I know I can date freely and I feel good. So I am excited about my date tomorrow. And I don't have this panic I need to find someone or that I need to look over my shoulder anymore.

Edited February 19, 2016 by Fruitee

[turnera]

He tells you that he's coming to make sure you're still thinking about him, and hopefully not moving forward with someone ELSE. The more you think of him, the less likely you are to date others.

 

Ignore it all.

[Fruitee]

Makes sense.

 

I am out with friends and met already 3 new people. So **** him and his games.

[Fruitee]

I think I am doing quite well. I attended this one event yesterday with my gf and we met some new people like I wrote. We actually had this plan to try and meet at least 2 new women and 2 new guys in this event. Well it didn't really go like that. But we met some new people, had plenty of fun AND I actually got someone's phone number (!!!). We are definetly going to attend these social events more often instead of just going to clubs.

 

I am also back in OKC and today I have my date.

 

So now I am having this new feeling. Because I am feeling better and I know he is not coming back soon so there is no point for me to even think about him or check if he is trying to contact me because it won't do any good for me. Earlier I still had this feeling or need to keep in contact with him and I was so worried I will just end up back together with him.

 

So now I have decided that I am going to do new stuff during this year that I never done before. Like last night we sang karaoke and it was so much fun. We also planned single cruise and speed dating. All those kinds of things that you can only do "once" and "now". Because it is fun and you are single.

 

I also have this dream to travel some where distant alone. Like Asia or something. So I am now saving up money and if I have enough I will go alone to Seoul or something. Very exciting.

 

I also decided to buy some new clothes.

Edited February 20, 2016 by Fruitee

[Fruitee]

I think my date went very well. Also nothing weird happened. He was total gentleman the whole evening and I had good time.

 

When I came home I felt some how sad though. So I guess I shouldn't drink or stay out late / stay up late. Combination of being tired and little bit drunk is not good for me.

[turnera]

Thinking about an ex is usually a case of not loving yourself enough to know you can get better, so why not settle?

 

 

But you're learning now that you CAN love yourself, you ARE loveable, and you CAN get better.

 

 

Higher standards.

 

 

Oh, and try not to drink too much with a new date.

[Fruitee]

Yeah I didn't drink too much. It is just that couple of glasses are enough for me. But I wasn't drunk. Just tired and maybe tipsy. But was okay.

 

He took me to dinner and movie (3 hour movie). He paid for everything, had made reservations (even chose the best table), opened doors, didn't try to kiss me, only touched me (in my back or in my hand) to help down the stairs (it was slippery) etc. 100 % gentleman.

[Fruitee]

Today I also over achieved myself. I talked to my boss about something that had been bothering me and I talked to someone who sat next to me in airplane. Which I never done before.

[Fruitee]

I dont know what to do now. I was planning on flying to see this one guy. I have my holiday anyway so even if meeting up with him wouldnt work out i could have my holiday there. I was already super excited about travelling. I had already almost finished making the reservation and then i just freaked out. It would be nice holiday and it would be nice to meet him. But at the same time i feel scared and freaked out.

[dreamingoftigers]

I must have missed something

 

You are taking a plane trip to meet a guy from OLD?

 

On your work holiday?

[Fruitee]

Yeah I guess I kind of jumped in the story.

[Fruitee]

Yeah I guess I kind of jumped in the story.

I had to check my previous posts.

 

So it is a friend of mine who I meantioned earlier who moved. After we had that weird talk we didnt keep in touch for couple of days. And then we had good talk.

 

He triggered something in me when he was saying things like what if he goes out with someone etc. But then we were able to discuss it and was okay. Now we are back to the normal routine again.

 

Anyway I have 1 week holiday that I need to have during next month. I cant post pone it anymore because I already did for like 3 months. And if I dont have it now I will kind of lose it.

 

So we talked if I fly to meet him and he is coming here anyway. So then we can fly back together. He could show me around etc. I have checked hotels and so on. Tickets are very cheap right no as well.

 

So I would have travelled anyway some where so why not there then.

 

But when I was making the reservation I just kind of freaked out like what am I doing. I talked with my other friend who also knows this one who moved. And he was like why not travel instead of sitting 1 week at home. You will have for sure fun time and can get away for a while.

 

It is also good timing because AGAIN Im thinking maybe my crazy ex is coming back during that time.

 

I am excited to travel. But then I was thinking is it too much or big mental investment to meet him there. I am used to travelling alone and go around and do stuff. Even if I dont see him its ok. I have plenty of stuff to do and see. It is one of my favourite cities. It is also place my other friends are living and have been studying there. And me and my best friend are considering moving there after I have finished my school. She already did her Masters there. But of course meeting a guy too. A guy I might be interested on after spending time alone with him. I dont know if I am ready for such thing. But then again there are certain places I have wished to visit. So difficult decision. I could travel some where else too to meet my other friends.

[Fruitee]

Also: I have another date this Saturday. That guy I met last week didnt make any plans for this weekend so when someone else asked me for dinner I said yes.

 

About the travelling: I have done similar trips before too. Flying some where for holiday and meeting my local friends there.

Edited February 24, 2016 by Fruitee

[Fruitee]

What I hate most about my crazy ex is how he knew everything about me and he accepted me as I am. He didnt have any double standards bs. He always said I am grow up and I should do what I feel is right. Of course was manipulative but still. He didnt judge me or my past or my previous experiences. He didnt question my choices or called me slut or thought there was nothing wrong with me.

 

He knew answers even to most trivial things about me, what I liked and what I hated.. He even remembered my cycle. He asked me what did I eat and if I hadnt eaten he cooked for me. Sometimes he even fed me .

 

He could point me out of all of my childhood photos. And pics where I was standing back to the photographer.

 

 

When I applied to Masters he said Im already in because I applied. He said whatever I decide do I will achieve it. I didnt have to tell him where I am just like Im in the airport I hate and he would know where I am. Saturday evening if I didnt answer my phone he would know where to find me. When I said I got my promotion he said finally.

 

We ate from same plates. And sex was so good. He didnt care if I was sweaty or had my periods. He would do me anyway. He always made sure I came first.

 

He said Im so beautiful and we went out and made pranks and even when I was being difficult and sarcastic he would laugh and kiss me. He hold me when I was crying. He didnt walk away when we were fighting. He would hold me and made sure I was okay. If someone was trying to hit on me or harrassing me he would step up and protect me and made sure I was ok.

 

When I met his friends or people he knew he always introduced me as his girlfriend.

 

I miss him so badly. And it all being just horrible lie hurts so much.

Edited February 24, 2016 by Fruitee

[turnera]

You read Why Does He Do That, right? Then you'll remember that an abuser's #1 gift is the ability to schmooze. To make the girl of the day feel like he is AMAZED by her, that she is AMAZING and all he could ever ask for.

 

Until he has her. And then the game is over and he no longer cares about making her happy. On to new conquests to fill his ego.

 

He loves the game.