What worked for you? Getting over abuse/gaslighting/cheating/lying etc.

[Fruitee]

7 days later... I think my problem was me being used to all that drama and such things made me think that I am bored. And not understanding how it feels to be respected and valued. It seems like I have now found someone who is good for me.

[Fruitee]

Nvm. Forget my previous post.

[Fruitee]

I question myself too much. And when I make decision I have problem sticking to it.

[turnera]

What happened to just being willing to be ALONE for awhile?

 

You don't need a man to want you, for you to be valuable.

[Fruitee]

^ Thats pretty much my problem. I make a decision. And not able to keep it. But now I am concentrating on training again. Next week back to work. And then back to school. I have been hanging with my friends lately a lot. And realised to most of them.. Im not a friend but mentor. Or mom. So Im trying to cut back on that.

[turnera]

When my daughter started her third year in college, and hadn't made any decent friends, I told her to just hold back when meeting new people this year. Don't offer to help with homework, don't loan them pencils, don't offer rides to the store...just talk to them. Those who are just Users will drift away, and the people left will be people who genuinely like you and want to be a real friend.

 

Because of your dysfunction, you almost certainly have attracted Users and other dysfunctional people to you. Start out new. Join some clubs; take a class in something.

[Fruitee]

^ Yeah I am now part of this organization and I have decided to take upon my dream to study languages. I have already checked some classes. I dont want to study languages at Uni because I fall off track so easily. So I decided to go with private classes. I will start next month.

 

I am not very proud of this but I am still seeing that sports guy. I have cut ties with everyone else. And when someone booty calls me or what not I always say Im not interested. I have tried to cut down my screen time too. I am playing less and watching tv less and chatting with guys less. Instead of that I am exercising and working and so on.

 

I had horrible fight with one of my friends. And I truly realised that most people are selfish and only think about themselves. They like to talk about themselves. And they dont listen. They dont even want to understand or listen. People are dumb. And I cannot expect same kind of behaviour and though process from others than what I have. So I shouldnt care so much or even try to explain myself if others refuse to understand.

 

I will be polite to others and listen. But I wont be bothered too much. And I will keep my own stuff low key.

[Fruitee]

Now I am so freaking irritated that I need to vent.

 

So I got this text from some random woman who wanted to contact me because she had found out that LDR guy was seeing us both at the same time. She wouldnt admit how she found out about me. But I am 100 % sure she read the letters I had written to him and I dont know how but then she found my LinkedIn and my work number and contacted me.

 

I dont know why she waited like 3 weeks before contacting me because now that guy and I had already broke up also we had this low key agreement that I wouldnt ask questions and he would be safe.

 

Now all of his actions make sense to me. Him ignoring me and lying and so on. He was very honest to me and we spoke like 2 hours about everything. Why he dumped that woman and so on.

 

I guess I can find comfort in the fact that this time I wasnt the other woman and I didnt go crazy and stalked some other lady. They broke up and straight away she contacted me.

 

I am not very proud of this but I really let it out on her how she violeted my privacy and broke the law. And she had no clue what was going on between him and I. She said she didnt know about our agreement or that we had broken up and I said it is clear why she contacted me and it is very selfish of her. And if she needs to go this far she should have know the game is lost.

 

Also if they met like 3 times and he lives in another country how can she expect them to be in relationship. She said I dont know what they had discussed etc.

 

The guy said Im not stupid and when I suspected him I was always right.

 

When that woman send me that text I was with that sports guy and he freaked out that someone was contacting me about him. Which I guess is kind of clear message to me.

 

I feel this strange change in me. I dont even know if I am mad at that guy. He did violete our agreement by having unprotected sex with her. But he nothing else wrong in a way since he had right to be with others. And maybe I wouldnt have been even that mad at her or just ignored her message but she read the letters.

 

When I found out my crazy ex had that woman pregnant for him I never violeted her privacy and I wanted to tell her because she had a baby and he was putting them in danger. Later on I regretted that decision so much! But this woman had no reason or right to contact me.

 

I feel sorry for her to be blind and trusting and seeking revenge after he dumped her.

 

I dont even know if I am mad at myself.

 

I just dont understand how I could be in this same situation only like 1 year after. Oh the irony! And all the advice I didnt listen to. Even this time I didnt dive into something naive and eyes blind.

 

But the change. I just feel like i dont give a **** anymore. People do what they wanna do. And thats it. It has nothing to do with me. There is no need to stalk or suspect or whatever. Truth always comes out.

 

I just need to keep on doing my own thing. Be true to myself and respect myself and be nice and polite and so on. Others can do the **** they want. Eventually someone good will come along. And me being paranoid changes nothing. So why even stress about it.

 

Anyway. Good thing: im not crazy and i did figure it out what he was doing. Bad thing: im still doing same mistakes.

[Fruitee]

Also good thing: I got mad but didnt break down. That was my worst fear. I survived.

[Fruitee]

Talking to that ldr dude again I kind of realised that what he was doing with her was pretty similar what was going on with me. So he is just going to keep on going the same way. He did speak about me very nicely and I believe he really did like me. But thats it.

[Fruitee]

I feel like I walked through fire and that the circle has closed and I can finally breath.

[Fruitee]

And so the saga continues..

 

I guess the sports guy really showed his true colors now finally. We "broke up" last night and it is kind of sad and funny story. It just shows how I saw all of the signs but I refused to trust my gut and believe them. I let guys treat me bad and I don't walk away. I am taking baby steps. I really am changing and improving. It is so slow and I am still doing lot of mistakes. But at the same time I am growing stronger and so on.

 

I have really spent time on reflecting on all of my choices and what has lead to me being here right now.

 

I realised that I am still not fully over my ex of 6 years. That is the root cause why I keep choosing guys that will lead to no where. I punish myself for ending that relationship and I am having hard time accepting it. Thats why I dont date someone who is serious about me. Because if it would actually lead to something it would mean there is no going back.

 

I dont even know if I wanna go back. I think I know in the back of my head that we will not get back together. And I need to get over this and myself.

 

I am going back to the doctor to talk about proper depression medication. I think I need it. The previous one worked well but not well enough.

 

I dont think I will never be with another man seriously. I guess there are some break ups and relationships that just leave such a mark to you. And I am not able to think of myself being with another man seriously.

 

But my brain is missing something. And maybe that what it is missing will be fixed with depression medication and maybe it will help me to figure my stuff out.

 

My plan is still the same. I will continue working and studying so I can leave this ****hole.

 

That sports guy was super mean to me. After all the **** he did and how he acted and treated me he actually had the nerve to tell me it was all of my fault. In a way he is right. I did stay even I wasnt comfortable with him, I was seeing other guy and he was acting like a jerk to me. I told myself it dont really matter what I do because he is not serious about me. And I truly think that he was with me just because he thought I had money. All of the things he said to me. I dont think any of it is true.

 

Anyway I guess this time I really noticed the marks already in the beginning. And I didnt get emotionally attached to him or took him seriously. And now I dont have problem walking away from him. So it is kind of improvement but next time I will straight away walk away and even if I want to give someone a chance I will not do bs myself. Even someone else is doing **** it dont give me right to do ****. Kind of basic level stuff but oh well. What can I say.

[turnera]

You are improving but, like you say, it takes time. And actions. Just remember, when dating, never 3 chances. One time being mean or rude may be a fluke. Give him a second chance. But if he does it again, just immediately break it off. As you've seen, there are millions of men out there. Don't settle.

 

Antidepressants would be a good idea; they can't hurt and they just might help.

 

But it sounds to me like you need therapy more than antidepressants. Especially to figure out why you're hanging on to a guy from six years ago. SOMEthing about you is keeping you from moving on. Was he a good guy or was he like all the other jerks you keep attracting?

 

btw, if you get better through therapy, you will stop radiating that vibe you put off that attracts losers to you.

[Fruitee]

The funny things is that the sports guy gave me this horrible lecture of me being pathological liar and whore and all of that. Even it was him being on Tinder and going on dates and sleeping around. Then he blamed me. When I catched him and actually went out with someone else. And we took our separate ways. But then he came back and I thought he really had changed. But it was still the same. He was telling all kinds of lies to these other ladies. It is kind of funny how I ended up in the same situation again. I just keep going on circles.

 

I talked to my friend yesterday and I did some reading and decided to skip the medication.

 

I wasnt crazy or depressed. I was just around another shady guy who was telling me one thing and doing another.

 

At least 2 previous ones had the guts to admit it. But not this one.

 

Anyway. My friends best advice was to stay away from people who drag me down. And I will follow that.

 

My therapy ended already and right now I am not able to afford it more. I decided to see how this autumn goes and continue next year.

 

I will continue working and exercising and my education and volunteering.

 

What else..

 

Yeah about the ex. I am not sure if he was similar jerk or actually a good guy. But I think he is root to my current situation. I have been talking to him about our break up and all of that. I hope it helps even little bit.

 

In the mean time I need to concentrate on accepting the break up and working on myself and trying to realise it wasnt my fault. I am not bad person. I can stop punishing myself. I can move on and be happy.

[Fruitee]

I feel weird. Someone asked me out again and I was just thinking Im too tired and I honestly dont really feel like talking to anyone or doing anything. I just wanna be and chill and not think about anything.

 

Im so proud of myself because I just let go of that guy and didnt beg and cry. I felt more sad about that ldr guy.

 

But I also realised something very important.

 

And that is that you really can not trust or believe anything. Not words. Not actions. Not meeting the friends and family. Not being publicly together or having relationship status in Facebook or pictures at Instagram. People still cheat on you and lie to you. Even when everyone in town knows you as a couple. There is still always some hoe (men can be hoes too) who can **** it all up. Someone is always desiring your partner. And your partner can always take upon on their offer or even be actively searching. Only thing you can do is to stay true to yourself. Believe in yourself. Trust your gut and instincts. If something feels wrong it is wrong. If something feels out of place it is out of place. It do not matter what other people do. It has nothing to do with you. Only with themselves. Do not lose hope and happiness. Do your own hustle and thing. Never let anyone take you away from you. Practise walking away. Pray. Be with your family and friends. People can change and become better than they used to be. But it does not take too much to realise who is actually worth your time and who is just playing the field.

 

And I think that is the most important lesson of all off this.

[turnera]

And to refine that a little further, know your 'bill of rights.' Know them very well. "I will not accept being lied to." "I will not accept being criticized undeservingly." Things like that. And this applies to everyone. And whenever someone crosses one of those items, you just calmly say 'You know, I have a list of things I no longer want to accept, and what you just did is one of them. So I'm going to take a break. We'll talk later." And then you just excuse yourself and go do something else, or break up with them, or leave.

 

My IC had me write out my list and keep it in my wallet so I would see it often and memorize them. So that I could recognize when it was being done to me.

[Fruitee]

Yeah. I kind of cant shake this unpleasant feeling of him using me. But then on the other hand Im also proud of myself.

 

I feel better person as before and I will continue doing me until something good comes along.

 

I think I have grown so much and I have this feeling I have got my **** together and can be proud of myself.

[turnera]

I completely agree!

[Fruitee]

I feel like its gonna need to be some kind of superman to have me interested on him.

[Fruitee]

I was talking to my ex. The one I was together with 6 years. And I think its pretty clear that one of the reasons for me being this way is my big sister. She had bullied me for years and mentally abused me. I only realised it after I decided not to be in touch with her anymore. It has now been like 2 years since I talked to her.

 

Also I realised that I am doing same thing as she is. Helping others and then acting like martyr.

 

She always wanted to pay for things and did all these unnecessary favours and such. And then when things didnt go her way or she didnt get what she wanted so got all crazy yelling and insulting and being martyr.

 

I have similar tendencies.

[Fruitee]

Also I decided to stop being in touch with one of my friends.

 

I have new rule now. I wont be doing any favours or helping anyone unless I have known them years and it works both ways.

 

Even this friend I have known years and she just uses me.

[Fruitee]

So I was watching this movie about succesful woman whos stay at home husband was cheating on her and how she felt insecure on what she was doing and felt like she should give up on her dream so her husband wouldnt cheat on her anymore.

 

And I kind of realised I dont need to be ashamed of being succesfull and having my life in order and being smart and educated. And I shouldnt give up on my dreams or happiness for some cheating scumbags. That I should be able to be what I am without fear of scaring away guys or them feeling less of a man because Im better off than they are.

 

I might be alone now. But my guy is somewhere out there.

[turnera]

You're talking about The Intern, right? Love that movie - lots of psychological stuff/change going on in it. And I love how he teaches the other interns how to respect themselves and dress professionally and grow up.

 

There's a couple of books that might help you with the Giving/Expecting stuff. One is written for women to learn to stop Giving all the time: The Dance Of Anger. The other one is a little more complex about WHY we are givers; it's written for men, but it's still applicable to what you're doing. The book calls when you do something for somebody but you're really doing it so you get something back in return a "covert contract" - it's a contract you're binding the other person in (what you want them to do for you in return), only it's covert because you never TOLD them what you wanted in return, and thus you feel you can get MAD at them for not following through, and they haven't the faintest idea what you're talking about. Anyway, the book is called No More Mr Nice Guy.

[Fruitee]

Yes the intern. I couldnt find those books but I found one very good one though which I am reading now.

 

My friend have been trying to contact me but I am being strong. Also I am being strong towards guys. I turned sexual attemps down and one guy who asked me out: I told him that it has been too soon since his break up from his ex. So he should take his time.

 

I feel good. Just tired after all of the drama.

 

Next week is going to be important week to me. So I am hoping everything will go as planned. I definetly dont need some ahole to **** me up in the head. So I can keep my concentration.

[Fruitee]

Sports guy said he would like to try again after all the horrible things he said to me and still he is talking to other women behind my back and never even admitted I was right about him. I dont even understand he thinks I could be with him anymore or look at him or have sex with him after what he said about me. Brr. SMH. So I just ended up blocking him. And signed up for more classes at Uni for autumn.

Edited August 28, 2016 by Fruitee