Author Fruitee Posted January 7, 2016 Author Share Posted January 7, 2016 Well, if you went to them and said "I'm ready to change, will you help me?" I'm pretty sure they'd be thrilled to be involved. Never thought of that. Good tip. Might try it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
truthtripper Posted January 7, 2016 Share Posted January 7, 2016 (edited) You don't want to stress a CLOSE friend? That's what friends are for! They'll be dismayed if they find out you didn't go to them. It's better to tell someone rather than suffering in silence. Friends are not always helpful. Most people are not able to cope and may not know how to support you, that's why it's safer to start with a professional therapist. Support groups are also helpful as you can share your experiences, compare notes and empathize. I have met hundreds of abused people at support groups over the last ten years. It has been healing and also educational. Edited January 7, 2016 by truthtripper 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted January 7, 2016 Share Posted January 7, 2016 THEREPY.... COGNITIVE BEHAVIOR.... Ohh....and MORE THEREPY. Nothing changes if the person isn't willing to do the steps. The above will get you started, its up to you to do the work. I sincerely hope you get that opportunity, its an eye opener to a new way of life! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
cja Posted January 7, 2016 Share Posted January 7, 2016 Fruitree, I recently opened up a bit to my family, and a close girlfriend at work: I was overwhelmed with the loving and supportive responses I received. I was so very against opening but I was worrying over nothing. Turns out, I judged myself harsher than anyone else. Open up, even if just a little. The responses will surprise you. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
truthtripper Posted January 8, 2016 Share Posted January 8, 2016 Fruitree, I recently opened up a bit to my family, and a close girlfriend at work: I was overwhelmed with the loving and supportive responses I received. I was so very against opening but I was worrying over nothing. Turns out, I judged myself harsher than anyone else. Open up, even if just a little. The responses will surprise you. That's great you received positive responses from family and friends. Often when we suddenly open up to people it can be unexpected and shocking for them, which can prompt awkward or inappropriate responses from them. Their lack of understanding can further hurt us. They don't mean to hurt us though, they are just not equipped to handle it in an appropriate way. Abuse in relationships is not a topic usually included in superficial, everyday conversation. Discussion of such topics by those who are suffering needs to occur in an exclusive, safe environment. Link to post Share on other sites
nlynnc Posted January 8, 2016 Share Posted January 8, 2016 Just think and remind yourself of all the women he has been sleeping with. Think of all of the inappropriate texts and phone calls he making. Other things that helped me get over my ex or at least not give into sleeping with him, what to remember that all the horrible stuff you went thru w him and all the times he made you cry... He's doing that EXACT same thing to another girl!! He hasn't changed and just be so thankful that that girl he's mistreating isn't you anymore. I used to feel so sad for the next woman my ex got with. She will hopefully learn her lesson down the road too. I did. And now I recognize abuse and flaky behavior and that I am so thankful for! I'm wiser! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
truthtripper Posted January 8, 2016 Share Posted January 8, 2016 Just think and remind yourself of all the women he has been sleeping with. Think of all of the inappropriate texts and phone calls he making. Other things that helped me get over my ex or at least not give into sleeping with him, what to remember that all the horrible stuff you went thru w him and all the times he made you cry... He's doing that EXACT same thing to another girl!! He hasn't changed and just be so thankful that that girl he's mistreating isn't you anymore. I used to feel so sad for the next woman my ex got with. She will hopefully learn her lesson down the road too. I did. And now I recognize abuse and flaky behavior and that I am so thankful for! I'm wiser! Yes and isn't it annoying us humans always have to learn the hard way! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fruitee Posted January 8, 2016 Author Share Posted January 8, 2016 That's great you received positive responses from family and friends. Often when we suddenly open up to people it can be unexpected and shocking for them, which can prompt awkward or inappropriate responses from them. Their lack of understanding can further hurt us. They don't mean to hurt us though, they are just not equipped to handle it in an appropriate way. Abuse in relationships is not a topic usually included in superficial, everyday conversation. Discussion of such topics by those who are suffering needs to occur in an exclusive, safe environment. That is pretty much what happened to me. One was like why would you even think about getting back with him? Well Im not thinking about. Im scared of it. And other one totally misunderstood me and told me: dont worry. He is coming back. Try to relax and buy something nice. People dont really understand this weakness inside of me towards him. And they think it is just easy to move on and ignore his i miss you and love you texts. Actually to me more helpful has been talking to this new guy. Seeing what real good man and behaviour is. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fruitee Posted January 8, 2016 Author Share Posted January 8, 2016 Just think and remind yourself of all the women he has been sleeping with. Think of all of the inappropriate texts and phone calls he making. Other things that helped me get over my ex or at least not give into sleeping with him, what to remember that all the horrible stuff you went thru w him and all the times he made you cry... He's doing that EXACT same thing to another girl!! He hasn't changed and just be so thankful that that girl he's mistreating isn't you anymore. I used to feel so sad for the next woman my ex got with. She will hopefully learn her lesson down the road too. I did. And now I recognize abuse and flaky behavior and that I am so thankful for! I'm wiser! I have been doing that as well. When ever I feel very weak I go and look at that gf and baby photos. And think of all of the texts and photos I saw in his phone. He couldnt be even 1 month faitful to his gf. He straight away had another woman. He later dumped her and just ghosted her. During summer I saw she had still been in contact with him. Asking why he dont answer her calls and messages. Im not sure why she is still trying to contact him. But he broke her heart too and ruined her life too. So what would happen to me? Same thing. I dont think he would be able to be faitful to me either.. Link to post Share on other sites
truthtripper Posted January 8, 2016 Share Posted January 8, 2016 That is pretty much what happened to me. One was like why would you even think about getting back with him? Well Im not thinking about. Im scared of it. And other one totally misunderstood me and told me: dont worry. He is coming back. Try to relax and buy something nice. People dont really understand this weakness inside of me towards him. And they think it is just easy to move on and ignore his i miss you and love you texts. Actually to me more helpful has been talking to this new guy. Seeing what real good man and behaviour is. The best people to talk with are those who have also experienced abusive relationships who want to improve on themselves. As they will be on the same wavelength as you, they will be more likely to understand and support you. It would be helpful for you to join an abuse support group. You also have the opportunity to make empathic friends, as opposed to friends you only have fun with. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fruitee Posted January 8, 2016 Author Share Posted January 8, 2016 The funny thing is he was texting me that he wants to come to me straight after he is back in town... And he wont tell me when he is coming back when I asked him. Because I want to prepare if he decides to show up. So he says he cares for me but wont say when he will be back. Can you imagine? Then he is thinking that he could just show up. I answered him because he said that he wants to come and see me. And told him he cant come.. Then he got mad again that I dont want him to come. Link to post Share on other sites
truthtripper Posted January 8, 2016 Share Posted January 8, 2016 The funny thing is he was texting me that he wants to come to me straight after he is back in town... And he wont tell me when he is coming back when I asked him. Because I want to prepare if he decides to show up. So he says he cares for me but wont say when he will be back. Can you imagine? Then he is thinking that he could just show up. I answered him because he said that he wants to come and see me. And told him he cant come.. Then he got mad again that I dont want him to come. He's not worth your energy Fruitee. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fruitee Posted January 8, 2016 Author Share Posted January 8, 2016 He's not worth your energy Fruitee. I know. But I had to tell him. Because otherwise he would just show up and wouldnt leave unless Id call the cops to remove him.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fruitee Posted January 8, 2016 Author Share Posted January 8, 2016 I feel like there is no hope for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fruitee Posted January 9, 2016 Author Share Posted January 9, 2016 (edited) I feel like I should say something to him. Like now it is over. Even I know it is over and he knows it and there is nothing left to say. And I dont own him any explanations. I have been waiting for this feeling of end. I have been too afraid of my future and keeping myself attached to him because of this fear. But this fear of future will also take me down if I continue with him. Because I will end up broke and old and lonely and used and unhappy. In my mind and my soul I know what is right for me. I know I will survive. I dont need a man. I can take care of myself. I have job. I have education. Im in top of my class right now. I have future. Im still young. I look good. I will find love. I will love myself and I will do right by myself and by others. I will stop hurting others. I will stop punishing myself. I forgive myself and others. I will survive. I will grow. I will move on. I will be sad and happy and I will let time pass and I will heal. Life is not over. Life is full of expectations, dissapointments and people who come and go. But if I now do this right. If I now fight for my future. For my freedom. For my safety. I will come out stronger and better. And I will have true chance in love, relationship and happiness. I am scared. But I will not let my fear define me. I will do my best. And I will conquere. Edited January 9, 2016 by Fruitee 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted January 9, 2016 Share Posted January 9, 2016 You have a nice new guy in your life. Don't let the ex screw up your life any more than he has. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fruitee Posted January 9, 2016 Author Share Posted January 9, 2016 You have a nice new guy in your life. Don't let the ex screw up your life any more than he has. I wont. I almost did that already. Im just little bit scared I will end up and same situation. I will continue reading that book. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted January 9, 2016 Share Posted January 9, 2016 (edited) I wont. I almost did that already. Im just little bit scared I will end up and same situation. I will continue reading that book. After being with my nutcase ex, I have no doubt that I can spot an abuser from ten miles away. So can you. And the truth is, even if you did get tricked and ended up with another one, you would know the signs very quickly and would know to get out as fast as lightening. So lose that fear because you have complete control over that situation. That fear is controlling you and you're not giving yourself enough credit. Edited January 9, 2016 by bathtub-row 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fruitee Posted January 9, 2016 Author Share Posted January 9, 2016 Yes I will stop being afraid and going for our 5th date now. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted January 10, 2016 Share Posted January 10, 2016 Yes I will stop being afraid and going for our 5th date now. That's great. I'm really happy for you. But I would politely advise you to please stop putting so much emphasis on one guy or another. I think it's great that you have met a good guy but please do not ever put yourself in the position where you are unable to leave a relationship, or that you have to be with someone in order to survive or be happy. Whether a man is by your side or not, you can be content with yourself, and self-sufficient. Link to post Share on other sites
GemmaUK Posted January 10, 2016 Share Posted January 10, 2016 This is not exactly true, although it's mostly true. I grew up with a very loving family and was never abused. I was never even around an abusive person until I was in my late 30's. It's actually this lack of experience with abusers that was really my downfall. I didn't have the first clue about them. Things I saw in movies weren't real to me. I thought they were made-up characters. However, in a short span of time, I met two abusers. The first one I dated for about 3 weeks. The second one I spent more time with and married for a short time. I kept thinking that it was the circumstances, or he was highly sensitive or exacting. I just didn't get who he was. I get it now and I can spot an abusers from 10 miles away. Lesson learned. Same here, I also had a good family life with no abuse whatsoever. It was in my early 40's that I first encountered an abusive type. I met two, dated one for 5 weeks. The next one I dated for 7 months but made several attempts to break up over that time. I also was clueless as to how these people operate. Why Does He Do That is a great book but I also read several other books, many of them helped. Like Bathtub I can now spot this type of guy pretty much straight away. Knowledge is power so they say. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fruitee Posted January 10, 2016 Author Share Posted January 10, 2016 That's great. I'm really happy for you. But I would politely advise you to please stop putting so much emphasis on one guy or another. I think it's great that you have met a good guy but please do not ever put yourself in the position where you are unable to leave a relationship, or that you have to be with someone in order to survive or be happy. Whether a man is by your side or not, you can be content with yourself, and self-sufficient. I feel ya. My plan wasnt to start dating this soon. And I have lot of breaks on. I am also learning to be alone and being happy alone. I have been doing a lot of self reflecting and thinking a lot what has been going wrong. So now Im just taking things easy and going day by day. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fruitee Posted January 10, 2016 Author Share Posted January 10, 2016 Today my crazy ex was texting me again. He is telling me how he knows I am seeing someone and I should be happy and I deserve the best. I dont really understand what he is trying to do here. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted January 10, 2016 Share Posted January 10, 2016 Today my crazy ex was texting me again. He is telling me how he knows I am seeing someone and I should be happy and I deserve the best. I dont really understand what he is trying to do here. I can tell you exactly what he's doing. He's playing another head game. He knows that human nature will make you feel drawn to him because it APPEARS that he's wishing you well and giving you your freedom. That's on the surface. Deep down, he's trying to play on your kind nature in order to draw you back in so that he can start up the insanity again, and destroy the relationship you have with the new guy. Do you see how this works? The best response to his stupid text is to reply something like this: "Thank you for your kind wishes. You're right, I do deserve the best. So please do not text me or contact me again because I will not reply. Best wishes." Or, ignoring these idiots is another great way to respond without actually responding. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted January 10, 2016 Share Posted January 10, 2016 Today my crazy ex was texting me again. He is telling me how he knows I am seeing someone and I should be happy and I deserve the best. I dont really understand what he is trying to do here. May I ask of you to entertain this Idea: "What am I doing to minimize this contact and behavior?" once you have the answers, put it into action. This drama can be stopped. It starts with you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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