What worked for you? Getting over abuse/gaslighting/cheating/lying etc.

[turnera]

Just so you know, sending a woman sexual messages, unless you're in a long-term relationship, is not healthy. Men are supposed to respect women, not see them as sex toys. The next time a man does that, stop contact. You will never be seen as something to love and respect from a man like that.

[Fruitee]

Thanks, I dropped off for a bit there. Had a baby at the end of April.

 

First of all congratulations! And welcome back.

 

I personally think when a woman calls you to tell you the truth about a man, it's a good thing. Not a bad thing.

 

The guy is usually the bad thing. That fits in this case.

 

I know. It was just kind of pointless since we had already broken up.

 

You're feeling anxious and angry because ldr is something you KNOW and you could be dipping back into that pool where you'd mentally be able to fade back into your old lifestyle. But now you ALSO know that doing that is BAD for you, so you're trying to already be at the point where you don't feel that pull. Changing your brain takes a long time. You've come a VERY long way in the short time you've come here, so don't be discouraged. Actually be proud of yourself that you DIDN'T just run back to him for the familiar comfort. I am.

 

Yes I know. And it makes sense too. I didn't really realise what type of affect he had on me. But your message really made me see the light. I didn't really understand my reaction to him.

 

Just so you know, sending a woman sexual messages, unless you're in a long-term relationship, is not healthy. Men are supposed to respect women, not see them as sex toys. The next time a man does that, stop contact. You will never be seen as something to love and respect from a man like that.

 

Yes I kind of figured that out too. So it has been nice to talk to him and it looks like he really is trying to get to know me.

 

I just have bad habit of quitting way ahead. I mean sometimes it is good to open a bit and give the other person a chance. I don't mean when they send me sex messages. I mean I was already kind of ready to give up on this guy just because it took him couple of hours to answer me.

[Fruitee]

So. LDR guy is leaving the country tomorrow. And today he asked me to meet him. I said yes. And no its not what you think.

 

We sat down over a cup of coffee. He tried to explain himself. Said he is sorry. Said he wanted closure. And all kinds of in a way pointless things. I do forgive him.

 

But it is also well known fact that we are not getting back together.

 

Nevertheless it was good to see him and actually talk to him.

 

I feel kind of like **** but at the same time good. Its hard to explain. I forgave him and we came to good terms. But he is moving to another continent.

 

I kind of understood at that point why all of this happened. In the back of his head we never really had a clear chance which led him to act the way he did and do the things he did. I guess he didn't really realise how he would fall for me and how I would fall for him.

 

I have no regrets because I did learn so much. And he helped me lot in a ways it is hard to explain to come to terms with myself and many things about myself.

 

He told me not to use him as measuring stick and think that all of guys are the same as he is. He also told me not be nasty to people. And find ways for myself to be happy.

 

For a moment when we were talking I felt like saying we should get back together. I also felt like leaving him there when he was talking. But I managed to control my emotions and reactions. Which is something I am very proud of myself.

 

I do feel sorry for him and his kid's mom. Because from couple of months on he won't be around for his kids. And based on her fb status she is not taking it well.

 

He told me he also talked to that "other woman" who wasn't receiving at all.

 

I guess he in a way wanted to end his life here and come to terms with it all. And leave it all behind.

 

If I had the same opportunity I would do the same. I understand him. I want to leave this country and all of these people behind me as well.

 

He said he has been thinking about going to therapy. And I told him he should be always honest to women and let them decide on if they wanna be with him or not.

 

He told me that if I am really into a guy or some is into me I shouldn't give such a long leash to him.

 

It felt good to go through it all face to face. I really do appreciate him to always take the time for me to explain and talk. Because business left unfinished is never healthy. At least he tried. Even he wasn't always succesful. Him and I are in a way very similar.

 

He just wasn't the right guy for me because he isn't ready and I don't know if he ever will be. His life and head is too messed up. But I could see in him as well that he is trying to be better. He said this has been one of the roughest years in his life. And maybe an year from now he will be able to learn and see what was the lesson of all of this.

 

I am not exactly sure how I feel about all of this.

 

I realised I have been still hang up on him and that's why I have been emotionally unavailable. I am not sure how my head will react to all of this later on. Like do I now really give a chance to another guy. Will I get back together with my ex of 6 years. Or will I move out of this country after I have finished my studies. I feel like he left with something. But also gave me something. I have this strange feeling our story is not 100 % done but I also feel like I can move on and that life is full of opportunities for me.

 

I have let go of the stain of my past.

[Fruitee]

One other thing. One of my crazy ex's friends saw me in town friday and came and talked to me. I told him we are not friends and I dont even know him. And he was going on about what happened to me and so on. And how what my ex did to me has nothing to do with him and how he wanted to date me and so on. I told him that he is the same as they all were since he knew and said nothing. Then luckily this one guy came and asked if everything is okay and I said no this guy is bothering me. And then this guy stood there until my ex friend walked away. I tried to ignore him but he wouldnt leave me be even I asked him to. So I was so glad when this guy came and rescued me. When my ex friend asked him do we know each other he straight away said yes. Im glad to notice that there are still some decent guys around.

[turnera]

Birds of a feather... (your ex and his friend, that is)

[Fruitee]

^ Yes they are.

 

My crazt ex is still away. Which is good ofc. I hope he never comes back.

[Fruitee]

Okay so the 1st guy I had date with lets call him a hippie dude said he wants to meet again so I agreed. After this 2nd date he was talking how he wants to see where this is going but also said he has agreed to go on a date with someone else. So I wished him good luck.

 

The 2nd guy I had date with lets call him an IT guy kind of stood me up for our 2nd date. He informed me 2 hours prior that he cannot make it. So Im not going to bother with him anymore.

 

I am meeting 3rd guy today. So lets see what he has in his mind. There is a possibility that I will cancel though since Im feeling very tired.

[Fruitee]

Eventually I didnt see that 3rd guy.

 

The hippie dude is all over the place texting me all kinds of weird stuff. Now he said we shouldnt continue.

 

That IT dude takes always like 12 hours to answer me and has so active life that I dont think he is really into me.

 

I am sure one of them wakes up later on to text me.

 

So last night I went out with my bff and we had fun. Some guys were trying to hitting on me but I rather came home with take away.

 

I did send message to this one guy I was talking to during summer and we had one date. Problem is he wants to have kids and isnt happy with his job.

 

Is it really that hard to find a guy?? Who has his life in order.

[turnera]

Well, here's what I always tell people. If you want to find a hot guy to date, go to a club or go online.

 

If you want to find a great guy to date and maybe marry, forget about dating and start living your life. Take classes and meet guys in your classes. Join clubs and meet guys in those clubs. Sign up for events and meet people who share the same interests.

 

Become FRIENDS with guys and get to know the real people, and THEN see if any of them are worth dating. That way, you're not dating someone who's putting on a fake front to get into your pants. That way, you're seeing what they're really like and you can tell if you share similar interests and values.

[Fruitee]

^ Yeah but most of the guys I meet like that are taken, not single.

[Fruitee]

My dad has gotten ill and I have had really hard time coping. Now I finally managed to tell my manager about it and I kind of feel relieved even the discussion didnt really go as planned.

 

I told this one guy I met last saturday that Im feeling low and he said to me: oh but you still look pretty. That was kind of new low.

[Fruitee]

I dont know whats going on with me but I feel like I rather go to gym or be alone than go out on dates. Even talking to someone feels like such a struggle and too much work .

[Fruitee]

I have come to the conclusion that most men or at least most of those men I have met have most of the time problem me having my own mind and way of doing things.

 

That guy who I went out with during summer lets call him sad guy started to explain to me that I shouldnt be sad about my dad, and truth is I reacted badly to his philosophy of grief and what not. But he didnt understand at all why I was feeling sad and he just had to rush into explaining his opinion of my situation. He didnt even say he is sorry when I said my dad is sick. He just said whats scary about that. Like some kind of robot. Without any emotion. Some of my friends have said to me like: oh Im so sorry and let me know if you need something and so on like normal people do. He said nothing.

 

So I tried to explain to him that his philosophy of grief is irrelevant in my situation because my dads sickness is not what makes me anxious but the fact I cant be with him. And this sad guy didnt understand it at all!

 

Later on he just said I am difficult and needy and what not after we had been talking about other matters and when I said to him that is it really ok for him to insult my personality just because I didnt agree with him? And I never said anything negative about him..

 

I just think that some people dont have competence to really see things from other peoples point of view. And they need to protect themselves and their opinions and views. And if someone challenges them they lose their temper. Like saying Im difficult just because I dont agree or that I like to argue if I point out their bs. Like this guy who said I still look pretty even Im sad.. And when I said that was kind of bs thing to say he said I like to argue. Okay I didnt say bs. I asked him what my looks have to do with me being sad.

 

Sometimes I wonder if I have too big ego or wtf since I feel like this?? But I have also spent lot of time reflecting on myself and my behaviour and I know my triggers and my good sides and bad sides. Ofc I have problems with people telling me Im doing something wrong or accepting negative feedback. But I am doing lot of work on my bad qualities. Most people dont even understand whats their bad side or why they act in certain way.

 

Like that hippie guy was going on about subconseous mind and I showed him some research stuff about it how his opinion of the matter wasnt really scientifically proven. Then he said some jokes which were sarcastic and mean and I said one thing back which was just youre stupid (as response his stupid joke). Later on he said that I hit him under the belt that we were having serious scientific debate and I said that bs thing to him. Like how I could call him stupid. I actually had to remind him that at that point we werent having any debate but he started joking around. And during our discussion I didnt say anything about him just about the matter and his resources were not really whats the word.. like objective and analytical and well anyway something he should be reading since there are many well respected journals he could start with.

 

Even that case was perfect example of person not even realising their fault but just feeling hurt by something I said even it was bad joke and it was time when we were joking around. They just remembered something that I did and forgot totally what they did.

 

I guess it is called double standards.

 

I am happy I dont have to associate with that sad guy again or anymore because I noticed how I ended up feeling bad and explaining myself again. At any point I didnt take anything personally or felt the need to attack his personality. I was very matter of fact and how I saw it was topics arguing not people. But apparently he took it under his skin.

 

Hippie guy said Im laconic. Which is true when Im busy or not interested on the person. He wished to know after 2 dates if we gonna be something or not but at the same time planning other dates. And when I asked him whats the rush and wished him good luck in his date he said we shouldnt meet anymore because he dont know about me like whats our future. And I just said dude youre not even supposed to know that after 2 dates and 2 weeks of chatting but off he went.

 

Not my loss.

Edited September 28, 2016 by Fruitee

[Fruitee]

I think that sad guy and hippie guy had similar tendencies. They both said that they couldnt get a grasp of me. Like after one week of chatting or something they should know about me and who I am and what I am etc. Whats the rush?

 

And then they jump into conclusions and theories about me. Like if someone tells me their dad is sick and then they act weird I dont think that person is weird I think its the situation not them.

 

These guys on the other hand analyse my behaviour without understanding my situation.

 

I have had some examples when Im work and someone text me and I answer Im at work then they continue texting and get mad cos I dont answer them. Like this one guy blocked me once since I went to meeting for 30 min after reading his message and didnt reply. When I was finally answering I noticed he had blocked me. So I asked him why he blocked me and he said cos He saw me online but I didnt answer and he thought I was ignoring him. Like wtf. When this happened for 2nd time he said to me: dont tell me how to live my life when I asked him why he keeps blocking me. Everytime he sees me he is all over me. :F

 

So my theory is that people dont really think any longer than their own nose.

 

One guy in Tinder said very well. He wishes people would wonder the reasoning behind the question instead of jugding the question itself. But same with behaviour.

[Fruitee]

I kind of had some kind of epiphany today. I had one of my favourite classes today and stayed after class to talk to the professor. He is awesome. I would marry him if I could. Or at least make him my mentor.

 

So I asked him some career advice and he told me he will send me one video which should help me. But while talking he said couple of things. "Your mom knows best." Hehehe. "What was your childhood dream." And. "Make tomorrow better." Basically what ever we do today should be in order to make tomorrow better. And about the childhood dream he told me its not really about the job itself but the things behind it.

 

For me it is: creativity, giving back, helping community, changing the world, helping kids, giving back. So now I have some kind of idea on what I want to do. I am not sure yet how or where and so on. But still. Idea.

 

I was also thinking that making tomorrow better and how I can implement that to my daily life e.g. long term planning. And if I could do my thesis around the topic. I definetly need to do some research.

 

I also realised there are millions of people in this world and no company (well not really but still) wants to help those people. Everyone wants to sell for rich people. Maybe thats something I should look into.

 

Now what that new guy said to me once makes kind of sense. He suggested volunteering to me. I have been too narrow minded.

 

I didnt think of his suggestion beyond certain point. Now it makes more sense.

 

Whatelse.

 

Also the professor suggested something for me to read and said it is bit of difficult read but he is sure I will manage it because I like difficult / challenging things.

 

That point I realised. Yes. Maybe my super power and strength is that I like difficult things and I like to think about complex things etc. And I should just own up to it. Just like I owned up to my ugliness or tom boy style.

 

Who gives a ****. Others dont pay my bills. So eventually someone who does appreciate my ugly face, tom boy style and challenging mind will come along. Just be true to yourself.

 

Awesome!

Edited September 29, 2016 by Fruitee

[Fruitee]

I have come to the conclusion that my financial situation is the root to me being emotionally unavailable. And if I am over my ex and all of that I am not happy with my money situation and I need to fix that. I realised I am so lonely with this problem and it is affecting my life greatly. I need to get my finances in order. I will try again to sell some of my stuff to get some extra money to pay off my loans. And in the future I will plan more and better.

[turnera]

Sounds like you're growing up. Not that you were immature before, but what I mean is you're at the age where your 'adult' side is starting to think more deeply about life and what really matters. It's a good thing.

[dreamingoftigers]

Have you read about emotional intelligence?

 

IDK but there might be some stuff there to avoid engaging these guys or know how to block them out without having issues.

[Fruitee]

Actually I have noticed that I am starting to think more like an adult. Two things have affected this greatly: my dad and my co-worker getting sick and me being tired of being broke because of my recless spending habits. I am living life of carefree teenager when I should be responsible adult. So stock options, saving accounts and pension stuff here I come, good bye for parties and shopping sprees.

 

I find it kind of embarrassing how messed up my finances are and that I dont have any backup plans for sickness and so on.

 

I dont know how other people are hadling their stuff but I wanna be better than before.

[Fruitee]

I saw a dream last night. In this dream there was a house that was beautiful but needed some work and then someone did some renevations and added new rooms to etc. I am not sure of it was two different houses. But in my dream I gave goodbye to the one who was rotted during years and dreamed I would get this new beautiful place for myself. I think it was great example of me letting go of past and moving towards new.

[Fruitee]

This poem is giving me lot of strenght and inspiration.

 

#

The Invitation by Oriah

It doesn’t interest me

what you do for a living.

I want to know

what you ache for

and if you dare to dream

of meeting your heart’s longing.

 

It doesn’t interest me

how old you are.

I want to know

if you will risk

looking like a fool

for love

for your dream

for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me

what planets are

squaring your moon...

I want to know

if you have touched

the centre of your own sorrow

if you have been opened

by life’s betrayals

or have become shrivelled and closed

from fear of further pain.

I want to know

if you can sit with pain

mine or your own

without moving to hide it

or fade it

or fix it.

I want to know

if you can be with joy

mine or your own

if you can dance with wildness

and let the ecstasy fill you

to the tips of your fingers and toes

without cautioning us

to be careful

to be realistic

to remember the limitations

of being human.

It doesn’t interest me

if the story you are telling me

is true.

I want to know if you can

disappoint another

to be true to yourself.

If you can bear

the accusation of betrayal

and not betray your own soul.

If you can be faithless

and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty

even when it is not pretty

every day.

And if you can source your own life

from its presence.

I want to know

if you can live with failure

yours and mine

and still stand at the edge of the lake

and shout to the silver of the full moon,

“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me

to know where you live

or how much money you have.

I want to know if you can get up

after the night of grief and despair

weary and bruised to the bone

and do what needs to be done

to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me

who you know

or how you came to be here.

I want to know if you will stand

in the centre of the fire

with me

and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me

where or what or with whom

you have studied.

I want to know

what sustains you

from the inside

when all else falls away.

I want to know

if you can be alone

with yourself

and if you truly like

the company you keep

in the empty moments.

By Oriah © Mountain Dreaming,

from the book The Invitation

published by HarperONE, San Francisco,

1999 All rights reserved

[turnera]

I saw a dream last night. In this dream there was a house that was beautiful but needed some work and then someone did some renevations and added new rooms to etc. I am not sure of it was two different houses. But in my dream I gave goodbye to the one who was rotted during years and dreamed I would get this new beautiful place for myself. I think it was great example of me letting go of past and moving towards new.

Sounds pretty deep.

[Fruitee]

I feel like I have reached this perfect state of no fuvks given. Im not stressing myself over anything. My work does stress me about bit but I do my job. I feel like my relationship with my boss have grown into better. And I managed not to lose my nerve at work.

 

Im really taking break from all guy drama. I did have 2 other dates with that IT guy but I dont even care or stress about hi. Text me or not. Changes nothing.

 

I have now joined 2 charities and one political group. I hope to make new connections etc from those.

 

School is going well. Im planning on how to get my financies in order. I have managed to stop my urges to buy clothes. So thats good.

 

I feel good and not stressing. Even if Im tired I just dont care. Then me being tired doesnt ruin my day.

 

Gym is going well again too.

 

I have some social events planned too.

 

Cant believe soon it has been year since my crazy ex beat me up and left. Time flies huh.

[turnera]

I can't believe you've grown and changed so much in the past year! For the better!

[Fruitee]

Honestly I cannot believe it either. But at the same time I feel like I found myself. That at some point I went down the rabbit hole and got lost. And now Im back to being me. I have control over my life. I trust myself and my boundaries. Im not weak and needy. I just want to finish my Masters and get new job. Save money and do me! I wanna lose weight and be in better shape. Guys can do what they do. It has nothing to do with me.