What worked for you? Getting over abuse/gaslighting/cheating/lying etc.

[turnera]

fruitee, I am SO impressed. I hope you'll read your thread through all the way some day to see how much has changed, how much YOU have changed. Way to go! And he definitely sounds like a keeper.

[Fruitee]

Hehe thanks. I really do think he is a keeper. I still go crazy sometimes and some things trigger me heavily. But I have been able to talk about these things and analyse them. I am worried that he will lose his interest on me because of me freaking out. But at least so far he has bee very understanding.

 

I have been reading about jealousy and how to overcome it. I think I have been too observative and analysing his behaviour too much. And I also noticed its not good to listen to friends always.

 

One of my friends told me that it looks like I am someones side piece again and I actually got mad. That he is not treating me like that and I am his gf and he is not bad guy.

 

But even the little negative things take lot of room if I dont remember all of the good things. You know 5 good things and 1 negative thing. And I forget all of the good but focus on bad. Thats not very healthy from my side.

 

E.g. he couldnt once come to me straight from work because his friend needed help. And I went nuts. I totally forgot the 5 other times he came straight to me. So I guess he can be once 1 hour late..? But it just reminded my of my ex who said he will come and never showed up. And my bf even told me previous day hey I will be late. Ex never even answered his phone. So stupid **** like that messes up my head. And I think well there has been times I go to meet my friend and then to him.. So it really is double standards from my side.

 

Anyway. Work in progress..

[turnera]

I would suggest keeping a sort of diary, or list. Not that you look at all the time. But just that you keep, just in case. Like if you look at it a few months down the road, and you notice that you have 'forgiven' him for things more often than he has treated you , you need to look again at the relationship.

[Fruitee]

Yes! I actually already have been doing that. I also checked out my list this week and some of the stuff I had written down were kind of stupid. So I find it very healing to write down what pissed me off and then ponder about it later on.

 

E.g. i like to write and draw and dance and sign and so on. I also know his ex gf used to write. And he told me he have always had a thing for artistic types. And I took offense to it like he was comparing me to his ex. We didnt fight or anything over that. But I put it down. And later I was thinking why it ticked me off. I like guys with beards and he has one, so did my ex. Whats the big deal if he likes artsy women. I should just be glad that he likes my artistic side too. So some of the stuff is so stupid.

 

And when he has said something to me he always have had a point. E.g. he was reading to me and I kept texting to my bff. So he said youre not even listening and stopped reading and wouldnt continue.

 

But then next day we went out for a date and he was his usual self.

 

So it is kind of hard for me to draw the lines. I am used to someone having another gf pregnant while being with me. Not someone asking me to listen to them and to pay attention to them when we are together.

 

I dont know if this post makes any sense.

[Fruitee]

I think that bf and I have now good line of open communication. We have been able to talk about even difficult topics. I still have this nagging feeling that how could he like me. Sometimes I look at myself and feel so ugly and fat. Its just my low self esteem that hits me sometimes. Most of the time I feel good and confident. I know who I am and what I am. I feel relaxed.

 

I am going to therapy I think its next week. And I am hoping to get some perspective to all of this and some guidelines how to stop myself from going crazy when the feelings hit me.

 

We had nice vday date and all seems to be okay. I am super bored at work and I dont feel like studying. Its kind of nice feeling though. No stress.

[Fruitee]

So I was reading my old journals from the time I was child, teen and 18 to 22 and so on. Also from last year. It was kind of eye opening. I have been reading them earlier too trying to figure out where I went wrong and how I turned out like this. It was also pretty shocking.

 

It is so clear now how I had eating disorder. And I nor anyone else ever even realised it. I was also super depressed, self-destructive, anxious and I wanted to kill myself. I had written so many posts about what I have eaten, how I have been running for 10 km (I honestly have no memory of me running that much) and how I should lose weight, how I want to die, how I have no one to talk to.

 

I do remember how I went to aerobic lessons like every day and calculated my calories and so on. But I never though of myself being ill. I think at some point I did realise I am depressed.

 

It was also interesting to read about my previous relationships. I felt no connection to my boyfriends, I felt like they dont want me and they dont want to have sex with me. I think I had sex with both of them but I don't know how often. So I think me ending up cheating on my boyfriends was because of my depression, feeling unconnected to them and thinking they dont want me sexually. Because when I met someone new it was so new and fresh and exciting. And they always wanted me. But I didnt want to leave my bf because I "loved him".

 

I think that the fact that my mom abandoned me when I was a child, then came back but had so many relationships and later on married a drunk who beat me lead into my depression and all of that. I am actually quite surprised how I used to think it was just normal for me to feel like that and I didnt really realise how I was feeling or what was going on. I thought it was just the pill I was eating or something.

 

I dont think I ever saw good model for relationship. I guess it is true what they say. That bad habits go in families. And broken model are being transferred.

 

Despite my depression and all of that I was still basically the same optimistic and positive person I am now. I had done lists, plans, I wanted to be better and change to better. I didnt want to stay where I was and turn into my mother. I have forgiven my mother. I understand that she didnt have coping mechanisms and means to raise us. It is her fault and its not her fault.

 

But I am very proud of myself for actually understanding all of that. And even when I was clueless and powerless I still kept on fighting and going on. I did finish school, got myself education, I worked so much and I kept self reflecting and even I made some poor decisions with men I still tried to understand why I did those things and be better.

 

It took me so long to realise why I was unhappy and why I cheated. It is very difficult for people to understand how bad relationship where needs and wants are not being met can cause stress and make person feel unwell.

 

Now I have learned that if a man doesnt want me it doesnt define my worth. If I dont want someone I dont need to be rude to them. If my needs and wants are not being met then I need to leave him. Cheating is not solution because it doesnt fix the relationship. If there are red flags those cannot be ignored. I have walked through hell and there are so many things I thought I couldnt get through but I did. So whatever comes my way I will survive.

 

I have decision making formulas and even now with bf I am thinking what is best and worst case scenario and I prepare for those. I have planned for us to be together, to break up and so on. So I have better coping mechanisms when something actually happens.

 

For instance moving in together (we are not but its good example): it is way too early and during the 1st year many things will come into light (think about crazy ex). So worst case is that we move in and then I am ****ed because he will turn into cheating douche. So I will keep on dating him for this year to see how he actually is e.g. we need to travel together. Nothing bad can come out of it, getting to know someone. I need to get to know him and see if he actually has long-term potential.

 

I need to take my space and time. I need to still grow as a person. I want to finish my Master's and get into better shape, to be healthy I mean. But I also care about him and want to be with him. There is nothing wrong with that. I just need to keep my head straight and enjoy our time together. I need to stop expecting bad things to happen but also I need to be wise in case something happens.

 

For the past week I feel like our relationship has taken a new turn and we both are now more assertive and open and honest. Even our sex is now better. I am happy and content with him.

Edited February 20, 2017 by Fruitee

[turnera]

Did you go to therapy? Please understand that you have a DEEP DEEP self hatred. And while things are good, you can ignore it. But as things get more mundane, your old self hatred is going to start rearing its ugly head. And may interfere in your relationship. It will take you at least 2 or 3 years of regular therapy for you to work past your feelings about your parents, shed it, come to grips with it, and start being able to NOT let it interfere with your relationships.

[Fruitee]

I am going tomorrow to therapy. And I have been to therapy multiple times because of my childhood and cheating. I dont think I have self hatred anymore. I have gotten past my childhood and so many things. I just never actually realised how my childhood affected or cause my cheating.

[Fruitee]

So I had my therapy session yesterday. We talked little bit about my childhood and teenage years and she said have had to grow up too soon. And that is possible that my childhood experiences affects my adulthood thoughts and behaviour.

 

She also said that she dont think that childhood drama causes commitment issues or that its like a "real thing" to have commitment phobia but its more like not wanting to take the responsibility. Starting a relationship is not something one should take lightly and there are many issues related to it. One needs to be serious, make promises and so on. One needs to trust and be open and honest and give. There are many external factors and pressure points too.

 

For instance how it is expected from a man to provide for his family and be strong and be good dad and all those things.

 

So its not like fearing commitment but all the other things related.

 

And I can regocnise same stuff in myself too. I feel anxious of thinking about family dinners and expectations from family related to my relationship.

 

I want to be with bf but I dont want all the family drama and demands.

 

She also said that there is no need to follow what is expected e.g. moving in together. There is no need to move in never if I dont feel like it.

 

I will continue soon..

[Fruitee]

We also talked about my suspicions and trust issues and she said that she dont get this vibe from me that i am very suspicious person but its more of a sign that I am taking this relationship seriously. And brains work like that. We try to make sense and find patterns and we think that if person a acts in certain way and it means certain things then we try to find patterns and meanings from other peoples similar behaviour and we think it means same even if it can mean totally different.

 

E.g. bf gets phone call and goes to talk in another room. It is normal for him since it is his mother calling and he wants to talk to her in peace. But if you google that it is sign of cheating. If spouse takes phone calls to another room is common sign of cheating according to articles. So we shouldnt really try to make sense of stuff like that because not with everyone things mean same. I dont know if this is making any sense. But i guess certain signs can mean something or nothing at all.

 

Then I asked about lying and she said that everyone lies and its so normal. That i shouldnt be counting like he lied to me 3 times so its time to move on. But rather think if he is hiding things from me. Everyone has right for private thoughts and not everything needs to be discussed or talked about or told. But if he is trying to hide e.g. gambling, drinking, other women or such things then that is a red flag. Simple lies not so much. Because people can lie just not to hurt other one or because they dont want to talk about something.

[todreaminblue]

We also talked about my suspicions and trust issues and she said that she dont get this vibe from me that i am very suspicious person but its more of a sign that I am taking this relationship seriously. And brains work like that. We try to make sense and find patterns and we think that if person a acts in certain way and it means certain things then we try to find patterns and meanings from other peoples similar behaviour and we think it means same even if it can mean totally different.

 

E.g. bf gets phone call and goes to talk in another room. It is normal for him since it is his mother calling and he wants to talk to her in peace. But if you google that it is sign of cheating. If spouse takes phone calls to another room is common sign of cheating according to articles. So we shouldnt really try to make sense of stuff like that because not with everyone things mean same. I dont know if this is making any sense. But i guess certain signs can mean something or nothing at all.

 

Then I asked about lying and she said that everyone lies and its so normal. That i shouldnt be counting like he lied to me 3 times so its time to move on. But rather think if he is hiding things from me. Everyone has right for private thoughts and not everything needs to be discussed or talked about or told. But if he is trying to hide e.g. gambling, drinking, other women or such things then that is a red flag. Simple lies not so much. Because people can lie just not to hurt other one or because they dont want to talk about something.

 

 

Fruitee I have read your updates with interest.....a few things though being observant to me is not a bad thing....its part of being creative ..often spills over into relationships especially if you feel squirrely about a relationship you may become hyper vigilante...which i am a lot due to trauma.......the best way i deal with this is to be honest...up front and hope whoever i am involved with feels the same and can handle me being up front.....a lot of people feel uncomfortable...i find it enlightening............if i become hyper vigilante there's normally a solid reason for me to be that way,.,,

 

 

...about honesty......lies are never ok really..lies will always hurt more than truth.have you ever noticed that one small lie can trip a whole slew of lies ...as the person who lies tries to keep up with what he/she has said....tries to remember....that is where liars normally get caught...and trust is eroded.......i am glad for you that you are happy.......i hope your happiness stays with you.....and that you continue to walk the path you are on.....everyone deserves to feel loved ...deb

Edited February 23, 2017 by todreaminblue

[Fruitee]

We also talked that sometimes people rush to give advices and sometimes their advice is totally different from what they would do in similar situation.

 

So one shouldnt listen so much other people because they probably wouldnt give that advice if it was them. E.g. to leave or not to leave.

 

She said I have experience from relationships and i shouldnt worry so much and i am not "crazy" but its rather normal what im going through.

 

And if i feel like i am over my crazy ex then i probably am. And if i notice i over react or i am surprised by my reaction or i am triggered by something. Then i shouldnt react but let time pass and use my brain to evaluate what i am scared of and why i got that reaction. That i can logically find the reason behind it. And it is just possible that my brain is trying to find pattern and if i evaluate those situations then i can in time stop reacting in such way.

[Fruitee]

Fruitee I have read your updates with interest....--

 

 

...about honesty......lies are never ok really..lies will always hurt more than truth.have you ever noticed that one small lie can trip a whole slew of lies ...as the person who lies tries to keep up with what he/she has said....tries to remember....that is where liars normally get caught...and trust is eroded.......i am glad for you that you are happy.......i hope your happiness stays with you.....and that you continue to walk the path you are on.....everyone deserves to feel loved ...deb

 

Thanks for your message.

 

Well i believe whats she meant is more like: oh i didnt have time to do it (i was lazy) type of lies. Instead of lying about e.g. cheating.

[Fruitee]

She also said that 3 months is very short time to get to know someone and its too early to think about having deep connection to someone and wonder what will come out of it.

 

I agree.

 

But I also find it tiring that so many men think already during 1st date they should know. I dont think it works like that at all. For me it can take 3 months just to decide if i like the person or if they are worth my time.

 

She also asked if its normal for me to be reserved. And we talked how i have problem opening up and if someone hurts the trust we have then it is impossible for me to give anymore.

 

She also said for women its common to think that certain type of openess is needed. But i am not obligated to share or talk or give if i dont want to. I can keep things as light as i want to. I have right for that. And no one can give **** for me because of that.

 

Later on i was talking to bf how i am sometimes scared that he will leave me because i like him so much and he said that there is probably something behind that that its not just my feelings towards him. And it is true. I just didnt want to tell him that some how i worry that there is something wrong with me and / or i will never find anyone like him again and i will end up alone.

 

Therapist said i have lived alone for 2 years and that is enough time to be learn to be alone.

 

So i shouldnt worry about being alone.

Also i know there are plenty of men around. And i dont need a man.

 

But it is also interesting to notice that i have had similar thoughts so often. Basically with all of my bf's. That i will end up alone. And aways i have found someone.

 

So i really need to think where that feeling or though is coming from.

[Fruitee]

One more thing..

 

She said bf shouldnt judge me for not opening up or telling me we dont have connection because it is too early for that anyway.

 

So now i am feeling releved. I feel like my life makes sense and everything is going like it should. And i have right to take my time and decide in which way and in which time table to open up and take steps and share.

 

I also feel like i understand bf and his anxiouty towards commitment. I also understood why it stresses me to make things family official.

[todreaminblue]

She also said that 3 months is very short time to get to know someone and its too early to think about having deep connection to someone and wonder what will come out of it.

 

I agree.

 

But I also find it tiring that so many men think already during 1st date they should know. I dont think it works like that at all. For me it can take 3 months just to decide if i like the person or if they are worth my time.

 

She also asked if its normal for me to be reserved. And we talked how i have problem opening up and if someone hurts the trust we have then it is impossible for me to give anymore.

 

She also said for women its common to think that certain type of openess is needed. But i am not obligated to share or talk or give if i dont want to. I can keep things as light as i want to. I have right for that. And no one can give **** for me because of that.

 

Later on i was talking to bf how i am sometimes scared that he will leave me because i like him so much and he said that there is probably something behind that that its not just my feelings towards him. And it is true. I just didnt want to tell him that some how i worry that there is something wrong with me and / or i will never find anyone like him again and i will end up alone.

 

Therapist said i have lived alone for 2 years and that is enough time to be learn to be alone.

 

So i shouldnt worry about being alone.

Also i know there are plenty of men around. And i dont need a man.

 

But it is also interesting to notice that i have had similar thoughts so often. Basically with all of my bf's. That i will end up alone. And aways i have found someone.

 

So i really need to think where that feeling or though is coming from.

 

 

have you ever really been alone or at a time in your life when you needed someone to be there for you, to defend or protect you...... were you alone? i have a fear of abandonment because i have at crucial periods of my life.... been abandoned and left to face traumatic situations by myself....me and god.....against the world....and god cant stop the pain...and i resented him for that for a long time...that pain.....its how i am who i am....and i really am damaged...im fractured.........

 

that pain happens regardless of faith...i happen to believe the pain is necessary to grow faith pain and brokenness is needed............i feel eventually you become sort of numb to abandonment and it doesn't effect you as much.....because you develop barriers to pain..walls ....blocks....guards........

 

or like sometimes as in my case....i believe they became alternate personalities....who dealt with what trauma i needed to face....it explains my high pain thresh hold....and it explains why deep down...i know one personality is sometimes really scared to be alone.....

 

do you feel you have a fear of abandonment.....deb

[Fruitee]

^ Well my mom abandoned me when I was child and later on I had similar feelings with my crazy ex because well my needs were not met and I couldnt trust him to be there for me. So yes I do have issues regarding that.

 

But I have also been always hopeful and optimistic. I have believed that things will get better and I have worked very hard for that. I have always done everything in my power to make things better and to improve. I dont find myself trapped in my past as I used to be.

 

But I still have irrational reactions. Which I am working on.

 

I dont really believe in God but I do think that my journey was meaningful because I had turned into bad and selfish and vain and status was way too important to me.

 

So I feel better now and more content. Different type of things are important to me now.

[Fruitee]

Also for me personally it has always been important to be free and in charge of myself. I feel anxious if I feel like I am not in control of my life. I hated it when I was child that I couldnt make decisions and I was dependable of others. Especially of my mom who was not trust worthy. It was so painful letting her dictate my life when she just ****ed things up all the time. I feel much better now that I have my own life, I can decide for myself, I can support myself and I am not dependable of anyone. Its truly the best feeling.

[turnera]

It all sounds pretty good. The only thing I'd advise is to put more focus on dealing with low self esteem, which is a natural result of being abandoned. There is a lot of stuff to deal with on that subject, work to do to become more self confident and to love yourself more. If you can do that - love yourself - those fears of being alone will vanish. And remember, the more confident you are, the more attractive you are to the guys.

[Fruitee]

Yes self-esteem is definetly going to be this years topic.

[truthtripper]

Yes self-esteem is definetly going to be this years topic.

I suffered child abuse too. We lose ownership of our bodies when we are trespassed and grow up detached from ourselves, body and mind. With the detachment, we are also taught to self-hate. These two states of mind co-exist, intertwine and influence the other. So when you begin to claim yourself as your own, that you belong to yourself and are worthy of it, you will learn to accept and love yourself too.

 

This year I've found myself transitioning through this change, after doing a mind/body therapy called Feldenkrais. I've been going to classes for about two years. It is like a very gentle, slow yoga class. It's taught worldwide and classes cost around US$15/hour. For me, it's effects have been much more powerful than my 20 years of talk therapy sessions.

[Fruitee]

I have done Feldenkrais too. It really did open something inside of me. Maybe I should go again.

[todreaminblue]

Also for me personally it has always been important to be free and in charge of myself. I feel anxious if I feel like I am not in control of my life. I hated it when I was child that I couldnt make decisions and I was dependable of others. Especially of my mom who was not trust worthy. It was so painful letting her dictate my life when she just ****ed things up all the time. I feel much better now that I have my own life, I can decide for myself, I can support myself and I am not dependable of anyone. Its truly the best feeling.

 

 

I have always been pretty independent from ten ...i have been a caretaker for my sister.... a latch key kid.. for defined reasons...my parents shied away from ever having anyone look after us apart from family...they had no real friends....they had each other and that was it...closest family lived too far away to look after us when they were at work...so i did it ......i was raped by a babysitter just before i started kindergarten a couple actually........ the wife would watch from the kitchen..she did nothing.....which to me ...makes her worse than the act herself.......out of him and her....i feel more confused about her ...as a woman...women need to be there for women..as women we should always care for kids........i actually had a fair load OF responsibility as a young girl....more than fair....sometimes very unfair.........i actually wrote them all down in my reply to you...and then deleted them because they took up too much room.....i left home when i was sixteen and wasnt allowed to come back.....the navy called me in early...which my dad was happy to take me to departure gates to catch my plane.......because i would be even further away.....over 2000km.....cant walk that distance in a hurry.....i love my mum...she was controlled......

 

i guess that is why independence to me is not something i really hang on to.....its really lovely to have someone to share decisions with.....so i dont have to be a leader all the time....sometimes i struggle with no and its nice to be told ....its no tell them no.....then i can blame it on them ...lol...ahem ..the guys i date normally havent minded saying no for me..they were really good at it.........i however am not...im good at other things...like ill help..and yes sure......im really good at that....i often say...i cant be good at everything...my head woudlnt fit through the door...god for that reason gave me...interesting flaws and quirks........deb

Edited February 27, 2017 by todreaminblue

[Fruitee]

So yesterday I was feeling super anxious and I saw horrible nightmares again. I think of my past very little but I am trying to fix my current situation. So I told my bff that I wont be travelling with her this year and I told my bf I wont be drinking anymore.

 

I noticed I have had problems with saying no again and I have been pleasing people too much. So it felt good to say no and make decisions.

 

I couldnt find Feldenkrais class but I decided to go back to dancing. I also have my other hobbies: gym and climbing and I should start doing yoga again.

 

I have my evaluation discussion tomorrow with my boss and Im hoping for the raise I asked for. I have also been spending more time job hunting again.

 

I feel like I almost lost control but managed to steer myself to clear quite fast and soon.

[Trustyourgut]

Being around really positive, rational, wise, kind and empathetic people.

 

Simply walking away from people and environments that aren't in my best interest has made a difference with healing.