Author Fruitee Posted February 28, 2017 Author Share Posted February 28, 2017 Yes^. 600 messages on this. Hehe. I think one of the most important things for me is to find a new job that is more rewarding than my current one. Link to post Share on other sites
truthtripper Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 Yes^. 600 messages on this. Hehe. Hmmmm, openly admitting a manipulative streak...you've confirmed my suspicions. Watch out posters. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fruitee Posted February 28, 2017 Author Share Posted February 28, 2017 Hmmmm, openly admitting a manipulative streak...you've confirmed my suspicions. Watch out posters. Im sorry but I dont understand the meaning of this message? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fruitee Posted February 28, 2017 Author Share Posted February 28, 2017 Well anyway I had a really good day today at work and good meeting with my manager. I have now feeling stuff at work is going towards right direction. I am still looking since I am underpaid but hopefully that will change too. I also found Feldenkrais class. So I might go there again. I am super excited for my new hobbies and it feels good to be on the move again. I do think that things with bf have improved a lot too. I feel like I am starting to get my **** together despite my anxiouty attack last Sunday. And that things are going like their supposed to go. I feel so good after talking with my manager because I was so worried of my private life affecting my work life too much. But she was very understanding and supportive and said its nice to see that Im feeling better now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fruitee Posted March 1, 2017 Author Share Posted March 1, 2017 I had to tell my friend that she needs to stop complaining to me. I feel like all the time she is doing nothing but complaining to me about her life and things that bother her. It is very tiring to just listen to someone complain. I have been wondering why we are even friends since we dont have anything to talk about. Only her complaining to me. Yesterday she was having a good day so she didnt text me anything the whole day.. When I tell her that if she is unhappy about something then she probably should do something about it. But she never does anything! She just plays video games and complains how she gets nothing done. I have now decided not to complain during this month. I will say 3 things I am grateful every morning. I wont complaim about work or stuff like that. Instead of that I will try to better myself and things around me and my life. Hopefully by end of month I will see change in me and my life. I believe through action and work things will change and unnecessary complains are just harmful for brain and mentality. Link to post Share on other sites
truthtripper Posted March 1, 2017 Share Posted March 1, 2017 Im sorry but I dont understand the meaning of this message? Make sure you're posting here for genuine reasons, for support and not to gain the most messages/popularity at the expense of posters' caring, heartfelt responses. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fruitee Posted March 1, 2017 Author Share Posted March 1, 2017 ^ Okay well dont worry about that. It was totally innocent comment. Only noticed that and was surprised. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fruitee Posted March 1, 2017 Author Share Posted March 1, 2017 On another note. I asked bf if he would be interested on attending some sports class with me and he didnt say no. It might be nice to do something like that with him. Also being back at dancing felt so good. I was humming all the way back home. I dont know why I ever stopped and thought I am too old to go back. Not many things had changed after all. Also was nice feeling having someone comment and guide and support. Going to gym is like me time but attending class is also nice. I talked to this one older lady there and I am actually little bit hopeful to get some friends from there. I also joined this one group of people looking for new friends. So i was planning on attending some social event. Its kind of difficult to make new friends. But I have tried go be more open at work too. So I am hoping to be invited to some social stuff at work too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fruitee Posted March 1, 2017 Author Share Posted March 1, 2017 Blah double post.. Dont know what happened. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fruitee Posted March 7, 2017 Author Share Posted March 7, 2017 (edited) I realised something during past couple of weeks. One day bf and I were talking about something and he said Im so jealous. He had misunderstood me. And I stopped and realised that I wasnt actually jealous. I wasnt feeling jealous at all. It took me by surprise because I was expecting me to be jealous but I realised I hadnt had jealous feelings for a while. And I had got past it. Yesterday we talked about cheating because of my bff getting jealous of her bf. So bf and I talked about cheating and social constructs related to cheating and how it is hard for men if woman cheats on them. And then he asked me how it would make me feel like. And I was suddenly perplexed because I didnt have an answer. And when I said I would probably think how I ended up here again and why he cheated instead of leaving me and what that other person has to make him go there instead of being with me. It just felt kind of wrong. And then I got epiphany that I have now reached that level what I have been aiming for that I have understood it actually has nothing to do with me. But him. And that realisation striked me so hard. But it was interesting talk though. I never though bf as one of those men who are culturally infected but he is right certain things are so deeply built in our society that it is hard to fight against them. Edited March 7, 2017 by Fruitee Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fruitee Posted March 13, 2017 Author Share Posted March 13, 2017 I have come to the realisation that my parents dont really care about me. And my friends mostly seek me out to get help. Yesterday I was sad and I felt like bf couldnt offer me the support I needed. So I have been questioning myself regarding him too. Right now I feel like **** and accepting hard truth of my family is very painful. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fruitee Posted March 14, 2017 Author Share Posted March 14, 2017 Bf came to me yesterday. I feel so sad because of my dad. But at the same time Im proud of myself letting bf close and being vulnerable. Which is not usual for me. My behaviour has been pushing people away and hiding in my shell. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fruitee Posted March 14, 2017 Author Share Posted March 14, 2017 Im so glad this day is over. I took a long walk to clear my head and I feel better. I guess these things will happen. But I can now manage my emotions. Its ok to cry and be sad. I dont feel like dying. I know I will survive. Its weird how I feel. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted March 19, 2017 Share Posted March 19, 2017 What you're describing is life. Growing older. Realizing that life isn't guaranteed to be a great experience. That there are good and bad times. And that what life is, is all about how you handle both. You're doing great. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fruitee Posted March 21, 2017 Author Share Posted March 21, 2017 ^ Yes! I felt super depressed last week and I was snapping all the time. But I told my close ones that Im going through something and I need understanding now. So now Im feeling better and I pushed through even I was so sad I couldnt stop crying. I am proud of myself tho. Since I allowed myself to be sad but I also knew I will get through this. I have been to one job interview and I have another one coming up. So Im hopeful for new job. I redid my CV and it seems to be working. School is going ok too. Bf and I have found stabile way of living and we communicate. He is being serious about me and pushing me when it is needed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fruitee Posted March 23, 2017 Author Share Posted March 23, 2017 I have noticed that my attitude change is working. I have been more open and social at work and it seems to be working. I feel like people are more responsive to me. I am also 100 % over my ex. He texted me and I answered politely and thats it. I can be totally normal and no reaction whatsoever. I feel like Im in good place mentally. My family situation is stressing me but I can manage with it. Two job interviews behind me and I am sending more applications every day. I am super motivated. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fruitee Posted March 24, 2017 Author Share Posted March 24, 2017 I got invite for 3rd interview!!!!! Life is really taking a positive turn! Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted March 27, 2017 Share Posted March 27, 2017 So what happened? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fruitee Posted March 28, 2017 Author Share Posted March 28, 2017 I havent got into interview for like 1 year or so and now I have had 3. Im waiting on results. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fruitee Posted March 28, 2017 Author Share Posted March 28, 2017 I have this one kind of toxic friend but I think I am her only friend so I keep in touch with her. I havent seen her for ages but she sends me multiple whatsapp messages every day. About once a week she gets really mean to me. I guess I trigger something in her since I have worked so hard getting my **** together and she just complains. So today I was asking her to this event and she lost it again. I told her its quite impossible to talk to her because she cant or wont control her feelings and how she speaks to me. I then leveled with her and complained in similar manner back to her. And I actually noticed something. 1. I didnt want to complain. 2. My brain felt weird complaining. 3. It was actually bit of struggle to complain. 4. I had to in a way switch something in my brain to be able to complain. I have now really taken this positive life changing attitude so fully that it was almost impossible for me to complain. I told my bff that I dont want to complain during March and it hasnt been 100 % success but I think we have managed to talk better, more deeply and of more important things. I have been able to neutralize myself towards other people complaining. It doesnt affect me. I can care and be compassionate but it doesnt affect my mood or drain me. Its their problem. Not mine. I cannot nor I need to solve it. I can offer support but thats it. Also Im not losing sleep over stuff I cannot control. I do my job and Im best me that I can possibly be. But Im not stressing over nothing. I have things I need to solve but Im being patient. Once I get my job all things will be better. Since I really do need the money. Anyway. It was great realisation to understand I still have this depressed brain but I can in a way control it and switch if off and on. Its hard to explain. But it was like physical feeling in my head. It didnt feel good anymore or something I wanted to go back to. I really see my life in better light now. I feel like I have a future. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted March 29, 2017 Share Posted March 29, 2017 That's excellent awareness, fruitee. Good work. The more you feel in control, the happier you will be. Have you ever read about Buddhism? You might like it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fruitee Posted April 3, 2017 Author Share Posted April 3, 2017 I have one acquaintance who is practising buddhism and also told me I might benefit from meditation. I think I will look into it. I am now on fire. I have applied for 6 new jobs and some summer classes and workshops etc. One of my friends got mad at me and jealous because I talked to her bf. I felt so disrespected by her that I had to tell her its better we take a break. Since it was 100 % innocent and she blew it out on me instead of e.g. talking to her bf. I thought our friendship was more stable but apparently not. She was taking her own insecurities on me. And I would never think of her that way. Or treat her that way. I have never questioned her loyalty or morals. Anyway I guess in time we will be able to fix our friendship but right now I have no energy to fix or concentrate on someone elses insecurities and trust issues.. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted April 8, 2017 Share Posted April 8, 2017 You'll notice that, as you mature and gain more wisdom, those friends from the past just may be poor choices for friends; i.e. dysfunctional friends you picked and gravitated toward when you, too, were dysfunctional. Start looking for new friends. But good job walking away from the dysfunction. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fruitee Posted April 11, 2017 Author Share Posted April 11, 2017 ^ Yes! I have been questioning plenty of people in my life. And I notice now faster if i should avoid someone. I feel like i have had more energy to do and think my own things now that i dont have to talk to her every day and listen to her complain. I feel better. More focused. Im more productive. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted April 11, 2017 Share Posted April 11, 2017 (edited) this is going to seem sexual but its not so please dont take it that way....it has to do with sex sort of but its not the motivation of my happiness....im 47 and I didnt believe i had a g spot i thought my g spot was actually a scar because it was rough and quite large.....i thought my insides was one huge scar to tell the truth......i felt it.....scarred from the inside out...on here actually a post motivated me that and this whisper saying check ....when i started to feel bad about my scarred insides.... to find out what a g spot actually was..because my sexual life was always focused on the guy i was with anyway..i am a sub......makes me seem like a big kid that i didnt even know what it really was..... but anyways....i do definitely have one...its not a scar as i thought it was......its a big fat g spot.... and i dont know exactly but i felt....overjoyed.....overjoyed that im not a walking scar .....that even though i have been abused that hasnt changed wont forget..... and a gyno told me i had bad scarring......im not bad at all....im normal...maybe they healed and i dont have any scars now/.....i think it healed a little bit of brokenness in me.....and i felt ....almost free..... and i am almost free.......i bought a car last year...and i havent been able to get it to my place for various reasons.......i felt this push like a really strong one to bring it to my place and start my driving life(never driven) and i did.....i have my first ever car her name is goldie she is beautiful......she is even gold..with butterfly mats on the inside....pink ones....so apt...i love butterflies....... and soon ill have a license ...i feel so motivated.....and almost free....little bit like a bird who has been working on her cage door for her whole life and about to fly away in the skies I have dreamed of.........i feel so strong.....and just from finding a spot that's not a scar....i feel quite beautiful...and that is quite a first...but im having moments where i feel glowing......this all probably seems stupid....but its honest and i wanted to share my happiness....im going to be able to travel my country i love and visit beautiful places and peoples.....and my daughter my youngest said i cant leave her behind she cries if i leave her here and go away......she is 17 btw ......she wants to come camping with me...she cant wait.....neither can i ...my oldest son we have plans...fishing.........im going to take him camping too.....and fishing... my grand kids camping....promised my granddaughter.....marhsmallows at night over a fire......my oldest daughter.....too...i just see this beautiful road map unfolding piece by piece.....and my family is excited too... my secodn oldest son though harrassed me and got quite aggressive because he wants my car...his has no rego.....and he sai dim supposed to eb all about family and i am selfish..and i sai dno i am not i have never in my life owned a car...how many have you had......is it my responsibility o rfault your car has no rego....anyway...h egav eup...because i actually said...no...deb said no.....lol...i stood up and said no even though he did make me feel selfish and like crap.....said i ddint think about his kids...and i adore them and love them...he said i should give him the car to drive.....i actually lied and said i didnt have the keys....but still that no he couldnt have my car...even though i cant drive it yet.....i did feel bad saying no...but he thrashes cars.... .i want to go gem searching and panning for gold ...shell collecting.....beachcombing......bushwalking......and to my beach i can go anytime i want......i am going to fly......stickign to the speed limits of course....because i am going to be the best driver in australia......my sister says i will be able to be the best driver ...because when i am on the road...eveyroen else will nto want to be on the road...so...smilin...watch this sspace......debs driving adventures...in a few months......i dont think i have ever fetl as good as i do now or as strong........even though there is chaos ....there is always chaos around me .....i feel my wings...and they are huge.....too huge for a cage.....and too beautiful to be lost to abuse and scars of my past...deb Edited April 11, 2017 by todreaminblue Link to post Share on other sites
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